The Strange Medium Guy with a Bad Haircut
                               (aka Pearson Mui)
                                   presents
                    Anime Detective:  Magical Girl Mayhem

     I haven't seen days like this very often.  It was the kind of day where
the sun was just warm enough to be enjoyed, but not hot enough to roast me.
The breeze blew past, just cool enough to wake me up, but not so cold it cut
through me.  All around me, people were enjoying the day, as if it were a gift
for all the weirdness they'd had to put up with.
     I'm either dreaming, in Heaven, or in one of the nicer parts of
Kawaiiville.  I'm pretty sure I'm not dead, and I wouldn't go to Kawaiiville
unless the Chief ordered me to with a shotgun--or a big case.  Seeing as how
the day's turning into night a lot faster than I remember, I'm pretty sure
that I'm dreaming.
     Ah, hell...stop overanalyzing and enjoy it.
     It was night in my dream the next time I looked up.  I was dressed in my
trenchcoat with a tuxedo underneath.  I looked to my left, and found Nene
hooking her arm with mine.  She was dressed to the nines, her gown both cute,
yet provocative.
     Criminately, she's adorable.
     As if she'd read my mind, she blushed, and hugged my arm tighter.  She
whispered something in my ear, something about a party--I couldn't make out
everything.  Still, it made as much sense as anything in a dream.
     The next thing I knew, we were in this huge ballroom, with couples
dancing all around us.  I noticed that my trenchcoat and hat were gone,
leaving me with the tux.  Nene extended her arm, obviously wanting me to dance
with her.
     What the hell.  It's a dream, right?
     As soon as I took her arm, the music stopped.  Suddenly, everybody turned
around and looked straight at me.
     Everyone was a cute, female Animate--and they were doing their best to
pour on the sugar.  The worst part was when Hikaru Hiyama and Lum each took an
arm and started playing tug of war.
     "DARLING!"  they both squealed.
     "GYAH!"
     I bolted upright in my bed and slammed the snooze button on my alarm.  I
took a few deep breaths and let myself relax a bit.  I hadn't had that
nightmare in--well, I've *never* had that kind of nightmare.  I can handle
just about anything in a dream, but that one really shook me.
     I turned a bleary eye towards the calendar and groaned.
     Monday.  That figures.  I *hate* Monday mornings.
     I'm sure you're thinking to yourself that it's normal.  Well, maybe it
is...if you don't have my job.

     Why do I have this job if I keep grumbling about it?  Well, there're a
few reasons.  First of all, I'm pretty good at it.  Second of all, *somebody*
had to act as a buffer between Animates and regular people.  Finally...nobody
else wanted the assignment.  It was one of those deals where everybody else in
line took one step back, leaving me as the sucker.
     I guess I shouldn't really complain.  I could be like one of those
starving private detectives you keep reading about.  You know, the kind
that'll work for $20 a day and pocket it for booze?  When I see one of those
guys, I feel a little bit better about my job.  Still, I *do* kinda wish
that I'd ended up in a field that was less ulcer-inducing.
     Oh, well...off to the salt mines.

     I was halfway awake after my second cup of coffee.  I'd managed to put
most of that nightmare out of my head (except for Nene's cute dress) after
battling the morning commute.  It seemed worse than usual, especially all the
roads heading to Kawaiiville.  I wondered why, then figured that I'd find out
sooner or later--probably in the most inconvenient way.  Story of my life,
really.
     Yes, for those who are clueless, the job *does* make a guy rough around
the edges.  Crusading, goody two-shoes need not apply for my line of work.
Total jerks aren't high on the list either.  I wouldn't say that I've worked
out a fine balance, but I haven't gone nuts.  Yet.

     I couldn't help but sigh as I opened the door.  Nine times out of ten,
Ryo was probably chasing a skirt, leaving me to get all the files and
miscellaneous stuff that a "paperless office" required.  He usually dragged
himself in at least five minutes late.
     "Morning."  he greeted me from his desk.
     I blinked, then checked my watch.  This was *definitely* odd.
     "You're on time."  I remarked, with a hint of mild astonishment.
     "I'm a pro, remember?"
     I glared at him.  I usually found his definition of "professionalism" a
bit flexible.  He actually winced a little.
     "All right, I had help,"  he admitted.
     "I thought so,"  I said, then noticed Nene's desk...only Nene wasn't
sitting in it as she usually was.  "Nene's not in?"  I wondered.
     "She didn't call, either,"  Ryo added.  "That's kind of unusual for her."
     "Speaking of unusual, I see that someone isn't sporting any new bruises
today.  Is Kaori easing up on you?"  I joked.
     Ryo frowned.  "No, but she wasn't the one who woke me up.  *You* try
going back to sleep after Umibozu points an RPG in your face."
     "Um, yeah," was all I had to say to that.  "Well, you think we should
wait for Nene or--"
     The rest of the sentence became moot as the redhead sprinted through the
door.  She stopped at her desk, out of breath.
     "Good morning, Nene-chan,"  Ryo greeted her, clearly amused.
     "Morning, kid."  I said, heading towards the water cooler.
     "M...morning..."  she said in between pants.  "Sorry I'm late,"  she
said, practically throwing her bag onto her desk. "Some guy moved in next
door, and he asked me to help."
     "Take it easy, kid,"  I told her, handing her a glass of water.
     "Thanks,"  she said, and accepted the glass.  She then proceeded to chug
it down, almost choking in the process.
     "Take it slow, Nene,"  I warned her, patting her on the back.  Was it my
imagination or did she get start to get flushed?  "What kind of guy?"  I
asked, changing the subject.
     "Oh, about your height...kinda handsome if you like that type.  He's got
this British accent that just flows out of his mouth."
     "Sounds like a real charmer."  I commented.
     "Yeah..."  She looked a little disappointed.
     "Something wrong?"
     "Well, it's just what he does for a living.  He's a lawyer."
     "WON-derful.  I just *have* to meet this guy sometime."  I didn't quite
drip sarcasm.
     "When I was a sweeper, Nene-chan, I didn't have to deal with lawyers."
Ryo commented.  "Being a policeman is more of a pain than I thought."
     "Yeah, not only do you have to contend with bureaucracy, you're also
stuck in a stuffy office most of the time,"  I agreed.
     As if on cue, the phone rang.  I picked it up.
     "Mays, Anime Detective."  I answered.
     "You might want to turn on your TV, Andrew,"  the Chief said.  "They're
broadcasting some interesting stuff on the news."
     I did just that.  The volume was low, but everyone in the room could see
a parade on the TV.  There were Animate girls lined up on the streets,
watching absurdly cute balloons float by.  At the front, I saw some skinny old
man waving to the crowd.  There was something odd about the way he moved, but
I couldn't put my finger on it.
     I guess that explained the traffic this morning.  You'd think that with
all the chaos that goes on in the city, they'd call some guys to do security
duty.  I didn't see a single rent-a-cop.
     "Is there a special occasion?"  Ryo asked.
     "Not that I remember,"  Nene responded, looking puzzled.  "I don't know
why they'd be having a parade today."
     I noticed the parade banner on the TV.  "I never heard of Cuteness Day in
Kawaiiville.  What's the deal, Chief?"
     "Some guy named Waterson wants us to keep an eye on his balloons.  He
says that he's afraid that someone will try to steal 'em."
     "And he couldn't think of this *before* he decided to block traffic?"  I
asked.
     "Ours is not to reason why..."  the Chief began.
     "...ours is to do the job and not get killed in the process."  I
finished.  "Do we at least have a parade route?"
     "No, and that's the odd thing,"  he remarked.  "Usually something like
this is registered with us in advance so that we can spare some guys for it.
This feels like something that was done at the last minute."
     "That figures,"  I muttered.  "Any other good news?"
     "I managed to wrangle a chopper to keep an eye on the parade.  Right now,
it's passing through your favorite area.  Don't worry,"  he reassured me, "by
the time you reach Waterson, the parade should be through the worst part of
it."
     "That's something,"  I admitted.
     "Good luck, Andrew."  he told me, then hung up.  I did the same and
sighed.  It was the kind of sigh that filled your lungs until they reached
your kneecaps, then emptied out of you.
     I was not looking forward to this.
     "So, what'd the Chief say?"  Ryo asked.
     "We're gonna see a parade.  Both of you are with me."  I replied, pausing
only to fill my travel mug full of java.

     The parade had already made its way through the center of Kawaiiville,
and was heading for the outskirts.  That was a good thing for me, because I
probably wouldn't have lasted five minutes in that cutesy environment.  The
last time I was even close to downtown Kawaiiville, I had the twitches for
three days after I left.
     "Why are we *all* going?"  Ryo asked sourly.  "I could've checked it out
on my own.  You two could've just stood back and enjoyed the sights."
     "Some sights,"  I grumbled.  "We're talking about a section of town
that's done in pastels.  Lesser men have been blinded and turned into diabetic
wrecks by Kawaiiville.  Besides that, I don't like the idea of you being on
your own, surrounded by cute girls."
     "I'm *hurt*,"  Ryo replied.  He sounded anything but hurt.  "After all
this time, you *still* don't trust me?"
     "Not around cute girls, anyway."
     Nene didn't stifle her giggle.
     Ryo hmphed and sank into his seat.  "Most of 'em are underage anyway."
     "Yeah, and just about any girl in Kawaiiville can reduce me to a
quivering wreck."
     "Does anybody else in your family have that, um..."  Nene hesitated,
probably trying to find a diplomatic way to ask.
     "Problem?"  I finished for her.  "You should see my sister around pretty
boys."
     "She gets dizzy around them?"  Nene asked.
     "More like homicidal.  I've had to pry her off some of the Gundam Wing
boys.  She didn't even give Heero Yui a chance to say `I will kill you' before
she laid into him.  Amazing how strong someone can get when they're crazed."
I remarked.
     I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a huge sweatdrop rolling down
the side of Nene's face.  "How...how badly did she...?"
     "Four cracked ribs, bruised trachea, broken leg, dislocated left arm, and
a mild concussion.  In his defense, he *was* caught off guard.  By the time I
got there to calm her down, she'd cold-cocked Duo as well.  Thankfully, they
didn't press charges against Alise."
     "They didn't?"  Ryo asked.  "I would've done something."
     "Would *you* admit to being beaten up by a fifteen year-old girl?"
     "Well, no..."  Ryo conceded, then a thought occurred to him.  "Wait a
minute, how could she hurt--?"
     "She `borrowed' my mallet,"  I sighed as I caught sight of some of the
balloons.  "That's the reason why I keep it in Who Knows Where.  The scary
part is, I'm the normal one of the bunch."
     "That *is* scary."  Ryo grinned.
     I spared a sidelong glare at him.  "I'll hurt you later.  Anyway, looks
like we've found our parade."
     I could feel my stomach protesting as I took another look at the balloons.
As soon as we parked, I took a swig of Mylanta.
     "All right, I'll head off to the front of the parade and ask this
Waterson guy what the big deal is.  You guys keep an eye out and radio for
backup in case you see something weird.  Any questions?"
     "Does an out-of-control balloon with a girl hanging onto one of its ropes
count?"  Nene pointed to an absurdly cute dog balloon floating away from the
parade route.
     I blinked.  "Yeah, I'd say so.  Okay, Nene...*you* talk to Waterson.  Ryo
and I will try to get that balloon."
     "Good luck!"  she yelled cheerfully.  I wished that I could be that happy
in the morning.  Once upon a time, I might've been--nah, I inherited the
`grumpy morning' gene from Dad.
     Ryo and I made our way to the wayward balloon.  The fact that the girl
hanging onto it was screaming didn't hurt either.
     "JEANETTE!  JEANETTE!"
     I winced.  It just *had* to be somebody brain-dead like Azusa Shiratori
who'd grab a balloon.
     Criminately, I've gotta *save* her?
     Ryo glanced at me, then shrugged.  I guess he figured there wasn't much
to say in a situation like this.
     We'd shoved our way through the throng to see Azusa hanging from one of
the balloon's ropes.  I had to admit, she was clinging onto that thing like
her life depended on it.
     "Jeannette!  Jeannette!"  she squealed.
     Correction, she was probably hanging onto it because that was all her
brain could process.  I wondered how she survived with a mindset like that,
but gave it up.  After all, there *were* examples of people dumber than
her--and most of them were in politics.
     Then, I noticed Ryo staring intently at something.  When he noticed me,
he looked away guiltily.
     "*What* were you looking at?"  I asked.
     "Umm...she *does* like those cute skirts, doesn't she?"
     "Cute..."  I trailed off as I followed his line of thought.
     WHAM!  "Owww..."  THUD.
     You know, I've never understood why guys like to look up girls' skirts.
Then again, I never was very hormonal, even in high school.  I was one of
those rare guys that actually talked to girls instead of drooling over them.
     Now, what do I do about Azusa?  It's too far for me to even think about
shooting the rope, and the fall could probably hurt.  Puncturing the balloon
would be more trouble than it's worth, and I didn't have the authority to
bring in choppers just for that.
     It was about then that I saw a blur of blue, red, and pink speeding
towards the balloon.  It grabbed one of the ropes and tied it to a nearby
lamppost.  I took out some binoculars from Who Knows Where and zoomed in.
Before I got a good look, though, whatever it was flew away.
     Hrm.  Weird.  Must've been one of the local magical girls.
     Well, that emergency's taken care of.  Now all I have to do is drag Ryo
around until he wakes up--
     I blinked.  The spot where I'd clobbered him was empty.
     I sighed.  One of these days, I've gotta upgrade my mallet.  He's getting
too used to mine.
     Hold on, something's not right here.
     I took another whiff.  There was something off in the air.  Something
smelled vaguely like cutesy perfume, the kind that appeals to teenagers who
want to act older but don't want to give up their childishness just yet.  It
brought back memories of my little sister when she was going through that
phase.  They weren't exactly happy times, at least, not for my nose.
     I was still pondering the smell when Nene jogged up to me.
     "You smell something weird, kid?"  I asked her.
     She took a cautious sniff.  "Yeah, but it's kinda nice.  It reminds me of
cherry blossoms."
     Okay, I guess we don't share the same preferences for smells.  "Smells
something like that.  Hey, you okay, kid?  You look flushed."
     She shook her head, trying to clear it.  "I'm okay.  Whew...I guess I
just need a little air."
     "I'll leave the windows open on the way back.  By the way, have you seen
Ryo?"
     "EEEEK!  HENTAI!"  a girl screamed.
     I sighed.  "Nevermind.  I'll just follow the trail."
     Sure enough, I found Ryo in the thick of action--that is, being pounded
on by Animate girls.  The dust hadn't quite settled when I pulled him out.
     "Sylia's had a good year,"  was his first comment as he lurched to his
feet.  "I recognized a lot of her stuff from her `Really, We're Legal'
collection.  They must've liked me watching, because they all looked flushed."
     I groaned.  "When're you gonna get your act together?  I mean, it's not
like you haven't been pounded enough times."
     "Probably when pigs fly,"  was his impudent response.
     "BWWEEEEEEE!"  P-chan exclaimed, flying straight between us.  He smacked
into a window face-first, then slid down.  Shaking his little head, he dashed
back to where he came from with the indignity of a pig scorned.
     I cleared my throat meaningfully.
     "Under their own power,"  Ryo amended.
     As if on cue, that red, blue, and pink blur sped towards us.  It slowed
down, and I could see--well, for lack of a better description, a large pig
with a bowtie on its head and a cape.  I recognized her as Tonde Buurin, a
magical girl who happened to be a flying pig, and the one who tied up that
rogue balloon.
     "Thanks for the help,"  it occurred for me to say.  She didn't say
anything, but merely waved back, then flew off.  Once again I glared at Ryo
and cleared my throat.  "You were saying?"
     "Why me?"  he muttered to himself, looking skyward.  "All right, I'll
change my ways if I'm surrounded by at least 20 lingerie-clad beauties.
Swimsuits are an acceptable substitute, but only if they emphasize the
figure."  He looked around, then grinned.  "Anybody?  Anybody at all?  No?
Well then, I guess you're stuck with me as I am."
     I grumbled as he strutted off to the car ahead of me.  Out of the corner
of my eye, I saw a bus parking in front of a hotel, and no less than thirty
drop-dead gorgeous models boarded, each carrying what looked like cloth
samples.  Hold on--they weren't samples; they were actual clothes.  Even at
this distance, I could hear them going on about how they needed a bodyguard.
     I was about to mention it to Ryo, but then decided otherwise.  It just
wasn't worth the trouble.

     By the time we got back with Nene, the parade had come and gone.  The odd
thing was that a lot of the Animate girls were walking around in a daze, Nene
included.
     "You *sure* you're okay?  You seem a little wobbly."
     She waved me off.  "I'm fine, I'm fine--whoop!"  she stumbled and
instinctively latched onto my arm.  Blinking, she looked up and flushed even
deeper.
     Was it me, or did her eyes seem to sparkle a bit more than usual?
     "Umm...."
     I broke the moment.  Poor kid seemed to be coming down with something.
"S'okay.  I'll walk you to the car, kiddo."
     "What, no piggyback ride?"  she asked, still clinging to my arm.
     "Not while you're wearing a skirt, Nene."
     "Awww..."
     "Hey, I wouldn't have minded,"  Ryo commented.  "She's got good taste in
clothes."  He started walking towards the car.
     I followed him, Nene still hugging my arm like a koala.  We both glared
at him.
     "What?  She *does* have good taste."  He insisted.  "I mean, *please*...I
don't just look at underwear.  Contrary to what everyone thinks, I don't
mentally undress every pretty woman I see."
     "Uh *huh*,"  I said dubiously.
     He grinned.  "Besides, what's the fun in just *mentally* undressing
them?  I prefer a more hands--"
     POW!  Ryo tumbled forward in an clumsy roll, then sat up.  He was a
little unsteady, as I could see stars floating above his head.
     "NoNe FoR mE, gIrLs...I'm DrIvInG..."  *THUD*
     Not for the first time, I wondered how he'd managed to avoid a harassment
suit all these years.  That train of thought was derailed as Nene slumped
forward slightly, still clinging onto my arm.  She snored gently as I helped
her to the car.  After helping her with her seat belt, I dragged Ryo in and
shoved him into the passenger's seat.
     The kid seemed to get better once we got away from Kawaiiville.  Of
course, she slept the entire time.  Still, I couldn't help but smile at how
peaceful she looked when she was dozing.
     I heard Ryo wake up with a groan.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him
gingerly rub the bump I'd raised.
     "You didn't have to hit me *that* hard,"  he groused.
     "Got the point across."  I answered.
     "You nearly took my head off!"
     I glanced back at Nene, who was still sleeping.  "Keep it down, willya?"
     "Oh, *fine*,"  he grumbled.  "Nene-chan gets to sleep, but I just get a
headache for helping out.  That's gratitude for you."
     We came to a stoplight.  "Nene's not feeling well.  I thought she should
get some rest."
     Ryo's mood shifted.  "She's not coming down with anything, is she?"
     I shrugged.  "I dunno.  I think something's fishy about that parade.  Too
many things don't add up."
     "Is the Chief's copter still keeping an eye on them?"
     "Lemme check."  I keyed the radio to the helicopter's frequency.  "This
is Trenchcoat One.  Any of you guys up there know where that parade went?"
     "No go, Trenchcoat One,"  came the response.  "It started heading towards
Mechatown, then vanished."
     I blinked.  "Vanished?  What do you *mean*, `vanished?'  This is a parade
we're talking about."
     "Vanished as in, one moment it's there, the next, it's gone in a puff of
pink smoke."
     Not good.  Not good at all.
     "Copy that.  Trenchcoat One out."  I turned the radio back to the normal
frequency.  "That was encouraging."  I grumbled.
     "What do you think Waterson wanted?"  Ryo asked.
     "No idea.  Maybe Nene can shed some light on it when she wakes up."
     Ryo glanced at the backseat.  "I don't know about you, but...does
Nene-chan seem cuter to you?"
     "She's always cute,"  I responded.
     "Well, for lack of a better way to put it, she seems to have gotten
moreso in the last few minutes."
     "I hope it's not a trend,"  I muttered.

     When we got back to the office, the Chief was *not* pleased that the
parade had vanished.  Still, he kept a few more helicopters running, just in
case it reappeared.  There were too many things unaccounted for, and I didn't
like it.
     I'd managed to help Nene back to her desk, where she proceeded to snooze
for another half hour.  She woke up with a yawn, but was oddly bright-eyed.  I
guess she needed the nap.
     "Rise and shine, kid."
     She yawned again.  "Sorry about that.  I don't know what happened to me.
I hope I'm not catching something."
     "Well, if you're not feeling okay, lemme know."
     She smiled.  "Thanks, but I'm all right now."
     "Good,"  I nodded.  "By the way, did you get a chance to talk to that
Waterson guy?"  I asked.
     "Yeah, but I didn't really get much from him.  He just started ranting
and raving about how things would be better if everywhere was like
Kawaiiville."
     I winced.  "That'll be the day."
     "Anyway, he didn't say much before his assistant escorted me off the
float.  The weirdest thing was...I dunno, there was something wrong with
them.  It's like they weren't quite real."
     "Not quite real?"  I asked.  "What do you mean by that?"
     She shook her head.  "I don't know how to explain it."
     Our conversation was interrupted by Ryo's phone.  He picked it up, and I
watched his semi-bored face shift into that of concern.
     "Are you sure about this, Miki?"  he asked, then nodded.  "Okay.  All
right.  Just keep an eye on her until I get there.  And tell Umibozu that he
doesn't *have* to wake me up like that!"  He hung up the phone.  "I've gotta
go."
     "Something wrong?"  I asked.
     "Kaori's not feeling well.  She was watching the parade pass by, and a
few minutes later, she collapsed on her way to the Cat's Eye.  I might not be
back until tomorrow."  He grabbed his coat and shrugged it on.
     "I hope she feels better."  I said.
     Ryo glanced back and almost smiled.  "Me, too.  Later."

     I couldn't really blame the guy for leaving.  Like it or not, it's
obvious that he *does* care for Kaori...even though she'd pound him flat
before admitting it.  Still, I hoped that he'd call in once in a while.  After
all...I wasn't about to do his share of the paperwork.
     Still, it was an odd coincidence that Nene and Kaori would be feeling
under the weather, at least temporarily in Nene's case.  Come to think of it,
there were also all those girls in Kawaiiville that were a little wobbly.
     Was there a connection, or was it just a coincidence?  I wasn't sure.
     Maybe some nice, mind-numbing paperwork will get my mind off this mess.
Judging by the stack on my desk, I was good for at least another three hours.
Just please, please, PLEASE don't let me have it with another cuteness
incident...please?
     One hour into requisition hell, I heard a breathy sigh.  I ignored it,
and went on.  Two minutes later, that same person sighed again.
     Okay, something's up here.
     Peering over the top of my stack, I saw Nene staring blissfully off into
space, her eyes half-closed.  Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and she had
this dreamy look on her face.
     "Kakkoi..."  she muttered.
     Hm.  Wonder who she thinks is cool?
     I moved to the left.
     Nene followed me.
     I moved to the right.
     Nene followed me.
     Criminately.  Somehow, I figured it might be me.  Ordinarily, I'd be
flattered.  Right now, though...I'm just creeped out.
     "Aaaaandyyyy..."  Nene called my name in a singsong voice.
     "Yeah, kid?"
     She propped her chin on her fist, and I swear that I could almost see
her eyes twinkling.  She had a mischievious smirk on her face, but I couldn't
figure out why.
     "What'cha thinking about?"
     "Eh, just trying to work some things out,"  I told her.  "Something
wrong?"
     "Nope, absolutely nothing's wrong."  she said, almost dreamily.  "In
fact, I don't think that things have ever been this right."
     Uh, yeah.  Something was up.
     "You know, there's something different about you today, Nene," I told
her.  "I can't quite figure it out, but something is a little off."
     She giggled cutely.  Correction, it was not her normal cute giggle.  This
was a giggle that bordered on insipid.  It was a giggle wrapped in a
diabetic's nightmare, topped off with enough sugar to turn your average
rail-thin pretty boy into Dom Deluise.
     "You really think so, Andy?"  she asked sweetly.  *Too* sweetly.  I could
almost feel my teeth groaning in protest.
     "Y-yeah..."  Dammit, why the hell's the world spinning so fast?
     "Are you okay?"  For a moment, her voice was back to normal.
     I gripped the arms of my chair like a vice, trying to steady myself.
Like a weightlifter, I jerked myself out of my chair onto two feet that felt
like they were made of lukewarm Jell-O.
     "Just gotta...gotta get some air, s'all,"  I grunted.  "I'll be right
back."
     "But..."
     I managed to look her in the eye.  "I promise,"  I said, then lurched
myself out of the office, closing the door behind me.
     The dizziness left me, and I slumped my back against the wall.
Criminately, I hadn't had an attack like that in months.  What the hell
started it?!
     Nene.  I don't know how, but she'd somehow became cutesy.  *Really*
cutesy.
     I knocked on the door.  "Nene, I'm just gonna visit a friend, okay?  I'll
be right back."
     "Is everything all right?"  she asked from behind the door.
     "Yeah, I--I've just gotta take care of an errand."
     "Can I come along?"
     "It won't take long."  I hope.  "I'll be back before you know it."

     I hated ditching the kid like that, but I wasn't any good to anyone in my
current state.  Hopping in my car, I turned on the radio and was bombarded
with incidents of unprecedented cuteness.  Apparently, new magical girls (or,
at least, girls who dressed like them) were popping up all over the place.
There wasn't any word on what happened to the existing magical girls.
     I didn't have much of a choice.  If this...thing, whatever it was, kept
spreading, I had a potential time bomb on my hands.  I needed some background
info on magical girls, and I had to go to the source:  The Institute for Cute
and Kawaii Intolerant.
     I knew the director, a guy by the name of Richard "Pocky" Kim.  Just
about everyone in the city has.  The guy's a child prodigy who had his first
college degree at 14, and kept racking up PhD's, mostly on Animate phenomena.
After a chance encounter with a magical girl (some say Minky Momo, others say
Himeko Nonohara), he decided to devote his life to studying the science of
cuteness.  In between experiments, he liked singing karaoke (as I saw at The
Con) and kept giving out (you guessed it) Pocky.
     The Center itself was a rather plain-looking, almost drab building.  It
wasn't exactly a towering titan of steel and glass.  Contrary to what many
people thought, it wasn't painted over with ludicrous shades of pink, purple,
or chartreuse.  The Center was just an ordinary-looking four-story building
that just happened to conduct experiments on the one thing I can't handle very
well.
     I flashed my badge to the receptionist.  "Mays, Anime Detective.  Is
Professor Kim available?"
     "He's in a meeting with Li Kohran right now,"  she informed me.  "They
should be done in a couple of minutes--"
     I winced as an explosion rocked the ceiling above me.  Thankfully, there
wasn't any debris, just smoke.  The receptionist didn't seem fazed at all.
     "That usually happens when she comes around,"  she commented.  "She has a
new steam-powered invention, they try it out, and it explodes in her face.
Here she comes right now."
     Li Kohran had seen better days.  Several soot stains marred not only her
mandarin-style dress, but also her face and pigtails.  She wobbled unsteadily
towards the door, waving a dazed goodbye to the receptionist.  She stumbled on
a step and promptly collapsed face-first in a rather awkward angle.  I walked
over, just to make sure she was really okay.  I took one glance at her eyes
and knew she was out cold.
     "You said that this happens all the time?"  I asked the receptionist.
     She tried not to look bored.  "Every week at the same time.  Her taxi
should be arriving just about...now."
     On that note, the aforementioned taxi pulled in, and a cabbie stepped in
to help Li to her feet.  Judging by the resigned look on his face, I was
willing to bet that he was the one who got saddled with the duty.
     "The professor is free to see you now, Detective."

     "If it's not girls with glasses, it's girls in china dresses,"  he
muttered, cleaning his glasses.  "Just my luck, she happens to be have both
things I like to see.  She's nice, but she keeps blowing things up."
     "I noticed,"  I deadpanned.  "Why don't you say something to her?"
     "We all have our weaknesses,"  he admitted sheepishly.  "So, what can I
do for you, Detective?"
     Pocky was a few inches shorter than me, and slightly stocky.  He wore
wire-rimmed glasses that just seemed to magnify the slight hint of mischief in
his eyes.  Something told me that he could be goofy as can be one minute and
stone-cold sober the next.  What amazed me was that, with all the degrees
under his belt, he seemed as casual as the guy next door.
     "Well, I know you've done some research into people who can't handle
excessive amounts of cuteness."
     Pocky nodded.  "Ah, Kawaii Overload.  I've gone into it a bit."
     So have I, I didn't mention.
     "I was just wondering if you had anything that can tone it down a little?
Y'see, with all the new magical girls around..."
     "Getting a little tough to do your job?"
     "Yup.  I mean, I'm like Superman surrounded by kryptonite."
     "Hm...I think I've got something here that might help."  He rummaged
through a drawer and pulled out a pair of sunglasses.  "Here, put these on."
     I did and looked in the mirror.
     .....
     Criminately, I look stupid.
     "Great,"  I groused, "all I have to do is change all my wardrobe to black
suits."
     "Those sunglasses have kawaii-resistant lenses in them.  Basically, they
filter out a good portion of what we call the K factors."
     "K factors?"
     "Big sparkly eyes, cute disposition, that kind of thing.  You want to
test it out?"
     "Might as well."
     Pocky pulled out a carrot from his labcoat and held it up.  Three seconds
later, Ryo-Oh-Ki came scampering through the doors and leaped for it.
     "MIYA!  Miyamiyamiyamiya!"  She exclaimed, just before she snarfed it
down.  The little bugger then turned her attention to me and jumped onto my
shoulder.
     "Hey there, little fuzzball."  I greeted her.  These things were actually
working.  Normally, the world would start spinning if Ryo-Oh-Ki were this
close.  "Is there a limit to how much these lenses can take?"
     "Well, that's the thing.  We're still working on 'em.  She really seems
to like you, doesn't she?"  Pocky commented, noting Ryo-Oh-Ki's reaction.  The
fuzzball was curling up to me.
     "It's something of a curse."  I told him.  "I seem to attract all things
cute and cuddly.  It could be worse, though."
     "How's that?"
     "Miya?"
     "You, at least,"  I pointed to Ryo-Oh-Ki, "turn into something useful.
I'd sure as hell hate to be around Mokona.  I mean, talk about useless."
     "Um, actually...Mokona is..."  Pocky whispered something in my ear.
     "No way.  That little marshmallow is--?"
     "Yup."  Pocky confirmed.  "Well, in the manga, anyway."
     "Well, that explains the cult."
     He blinked.  "There's a cult dedicated to *Mokona*?"
     I looked at him squarely in the eyes.  "We're talking about fanboys here.
Of *course* there's a cult dedicated to Mokona.  I'm more worried about what's
going on right now, though."
     "Has this thing hit the news?"  Pocky asked.
     "I wouldn't doubt it.  Even for this city, it's a little unusual."
     "That's saying a lot,"  he remarked, then turned on the TV.

     "--reports of previously serious female Animates who have donned frilly
attire--"
     "--news of a sudden influx of magical girls--"
     "--rumors that Rei Ayanami was wearing, `a pink frilly dress'--"
     "--Minky Momo was barely rescued from a suicide attempt by throwing
herself in front of a garbage truck--"
     Pocky blinked.  "Okay, that's just *wrong*."
     "What, Rei Ayanami's new clothes?"  I asked.
     "I was thinking more about Minky Momo, but Rei wearing pink is pretty
high up there, too.  I haven't seen anything this bad since Minky Momo
actually *got* run over by a truck."  Pocky commented, seconds before one of
his assistants rolled out of his chair laughing.
     "BWA HA HA HA HA HA!  Minky...got...run over?!  GAH HA HA HA!"
     Pocky looked at his assistant from the corner of his eye.  "Excuse me, I
have to smite someone."
     I watched in amusement as Pocky hauled the guy up by the shirtfront and
mock-smacked him.  That didn't help very much, as Pocky's assistant was still
snickering.
     "You *do* realize,"  Pocky began with a hint of menace, "that I know
where you live?"
     "Yeah, so do I,"  the guy returned.  "Your point?"
     "How'd you like to have a home-cooked meal...by Akane Tendo and C-Ko?"
     The guy winced.  "You wouldn't."
     Pocky merely smiled.
     I liked his style.

     "Sorry about the interruption."  he said.  "Occasionally, I have to keep
my people in line."
     "I know the feeling.  I've got Ryo Saeba for a partner."
     Pocky winced.  "And you're still sane?"
     "Relatively,"  I admitted.  "Things would be a lot easier if it weren't
for the whole cuteness thing.  Why *does* it have to be cuteness?"  I muttered
to myself.  "Why couldn't I just have reactions to dust like all the *normal*
people?"
     "Forgive me for saying so, Detective, but...`normal' people wouldn't
have your job."  Pocky pointed out.
     "Normal is overrated, anyway,"  I grumbled.
     "If anything else shows up, let me know.  Personally, I'd like to see how
this thing's affected Kawaiiville."
     "I'll see what I can do.  Thanks for the glasses."
     "No prob, man.  I gotta warn you, though...I'm not sure how long they'll
last."
     "I'll take this over twitching wildly.  Besides, there's only one way to
test these things."  With that, I headed towards the door.
     "Good luck, Detective.  If you need any help, just call me."
     "I'll do that."

     "Where've you been?"  Nene asked as I got in.
     "Something came up.  Medical emergency."  I said, a bit abruptly.  Well,
it was the truth.
     "Are you going to be all right?"
     "I will be."  Hopefully.  "You up for a little break?"
     "A date?"  she asked eagerly.
     Whoa, where'd *that* come from?  "Um...no, I was just going to do a
little cruising.  You know, to get away from the office for a while?"
     Her face fell somewhat, then brightened.  "Oh...well, as long as we get
out, that's fine."
     I wish I could say that getting through the station with Nene latched
onto my arm was easy.  Unfortunately, I felt every one of their gazes burning
into me, and more than a few of the women on the force started giggling.  I'd
heard rumors of a pool betting on how far things would go between me and Nene.
Stan verified that rumor, and thanked me for making him a tidy sum.
     Speak of the devil, here he comes right now.  That figures.
     "Andrew.  Nene."  he greeted us, then did a double-take.  "Whoa.  Is
there something...?"
     "Stan..."  I began with a hint of The Edge in my voice.
     He blinked, then nodded.  "Uh, right.  I see nothing, I hear nothing, I
know nothing."
     "Smart."  I commented.
     "No, actually, that was Sergeant Schultz,"  he corrected me.  "Maxwell
Smart would be more along the lines of--"
     "*GIT*."
     "Okay, okay...I'm gitting, this is me gitting...sheesh."  He made a fast
retreat back to his office.

     So far, so good, I thought to myself as we drove around.  These things
hadn't cracked up yet, and I'm not feeling the slightest bit nauseous.
     "Andy?  Andy!"
     "Huh, wha?"  I chanced a glance at the passenger's side.  If the kid's
eyes were shining any brighter, I wouldn't have needed a flashlight when it
got dark.
     "It's too nice to drive around.  Why don't we go for a walk?"  she
suggested.
     "A walk,"  I repeated.  "On duty?"
     "Well, it's not like we have any paperwork left at the office.  I took
care of all that."
     "You did?"  That was at least a week's worth of forms!
     "I just felt so energetic, and before I knew it, I was done!"
     "Um...right."
     "So, how about that walk?  Unless, of course, you don't *want* to..."
she pouted.
     Did I *really* have a choice in the matter?
     "Lemme find a place to park,"  I sighed.
     Truthfully, the walk wasn't too bad.  It would've been a lot better if
Nene hadn't insisted on clinging to my arm.
     Then, of course, something interrupted us.  We heard the din of a bank
alarm cutting through the air, and noticed that things got a lot noisier.  I
ducked behind a corner as a few guys in skimasks dashed out of the bank.
     "Crud,"  I muttered to myself.  Grabbing my walkie talkie, I started to
report in until Nene bolted.  "Where're you going?"
     "I have to find someplace to transform."  She replied.  The kid looked a
little frantic.
     "Into what?"  I asked.
     "Magical Pretty Knight Saber Nene-chan, of course.  Silly."
     "Couldn't you just shoot 'em with your Beretta?"  I groaned as we rushed
through the streets looking for a Convenient Alley.
     "Magical girls don't *shoot* people,"  she pointed out.  "we just zap 'em
with our magic wands.  Don't you ever watch the shows?"
     "Not without twitching wildly."  I replied.  "Since when did you have a
magic wand?  For that matter, when are you a magical girl?"  it occurred for
me to ask.
     She shrugged.  "I'm not sure, but I've got it, and I'm one now.  This
looks like a good place."  she declared.
     I have seen Nene in just about every dress and suit she has...except, of
course, for her birthday suit.  The only time I thought I'd see that was if
she decided to go undercover in Ecchiville or if something totally unforeseen
happened.  This qualifies as number two.
     "PRETTY ARMOR ON!"  she shouted, and before I knew it, she was spinning
around.  Her clothes had vanished somewhere, and I was trying not to get too
much of an eyeful.  Really.
     Something pink and tight formed around her, something I recognized as a
hardsuit undergarment.  Then plates of armor came from Who Knows Where,
clamping themselves down on her legs and working their way up.  The whole
affair was a jumble of pink and red, with a frilly metallic skirt.  When she
was finished, the kid adopted a dramatic pose.
     "What do you think?"  she asked, her voice sounding a little tinny.
     Honesty is good, I decided.  However, I also wanted to live to see
tomorrow, so discretion was even better.
     "I think...I'm not gonna be able to look at you in the same way again,
kid."
     "Oh, you silly..."  she giggled.
     Yeah, that was me.  I was just a big, silly guy in a trenchcoat who
handled things nobody else wanted.  If that wasn't bad enough, I've gotta keep
an eye on my administrative assistant who wanted to foil a bank robbery in
an untested and overcute hardsuit.
     Good one, Big Guy.  Could you throw me *another* curveball while you're
on a roll?  On second thought, don't.
     I blinked as I noticed that Nene wasn't beside me anymore.  She had, in
fact, boosted towards the bank, intent on dispensing love and justice--or, at
least, a decent session of butt-kicking.  I watched her jump, her boosters
flaring.
     Hm.  What do you know?  Pink suits *can* jump.
     I sprinted towards the bank.  Nene might've been armed, but I didn't feel
like letting her handle bank robbers on her own.
     I didn't have to worry.  By the time I got there, all four Knight Sabers
were present.  I should amend that:  All four Knight Sabers with frilly skirts
on their hardsuits were there.
     It was actually rather reassuring to know that, despite their external
changes, the Knight Sabers were still more than a match for any bank robber.
Of course, it might've been because the robbers were too busy laughing at the
new arrivals.  Personally, I wasn't too crazy about Priss's new arm cannon.
Instead of lasers, the thing fired explosive pink hearts.  Still, they had
things well in hand, so I hung back.
     "Ooh, I've *got* to take a picture of this,"  a teenaged voice exclaimed.
     I turned around and groaned.  Why was I *not* surprised that Nabiki Tendo
happened to be nearby?
     "I wouldn't publish that if I were you,"  I warned her.
     "Why?  Are you, as an esteemed member of the police, going to censor me?
I thought you stood for better than that."
     "Well, Priss isn't exactly in her right mind."
     "Well, that's not *my* concern.  Besides, the public has a right to know,"
she insisted.
     "And *how* much will you charge per shot?"
     "A good businesswoman never tells."  she said slyly.  "I've got to get in
closer.  I wish I'd brought my telephoto lens."
     "You should really stay back,"  I insisted.  "This kind of firefight is
rarely neat and tidy.  I don't want anything to happen to you."
     "I didn't know you cared,"  she flashed me an ingratiating smile.
     I didn't, but the thought of Soun Tendo doing the Evil Bighead routine on
me was intimidating enough.  Heaven forbid should I let anything happen to any
of his "little girls."
     I wasn't surprised when Nabiki deftly slipped around me and proceeded to
snap away.  Unfortunately for her, a baseball-sized chunk of concrete flew right
towards her and knocked the camera out of her hands.  Reflexively, I grabbed
Nabiki by the arm and yanked her behind me.
     "OW!"  she protested.  "What--?"
     I whirled around and glared through her.  "I *said* `stay back.'
Please."  I added as an afterthought.
     "But--"
     "Nabiki, cameras and Priss don't mix.  Just listen to me on this."
     "Hmph,"  she frowned, but her sense of self-preservation was still
intact.  She didn't make a go for her camera, which was just as well because a
stray piece of concrete finally wrecked it.  I had to gently close her jaw in
order to keep her from sucking concrete dust.
     When all was said and done, the Knight Sabers had wiped the floor with
the robbers.  Assuming a final team victory pose, three of them bounded off to
parts unknown.  Nene stayed, and de-transformed, again letting me see more
than I cared to.  Nabiki had vanished, probably lamenting the loss of her
source of blackmail--sorry, entrepeneurial opportunity.
     "Let's see the 2040 girls do *that*!"  Nene declared triumphantly.
     I sighed, then turned my walkie talkie back on.  "This is Trenchcoat One.
Send a couple of guys over to the First City Bank near Mai Way.  We've got a
few bank robbers that've been taken care of."
     "Your way, Detective?"  The operator asked.  I recognized the voice as a
young guy named Roger.
     "M-A-I Way, smart-aleck,"  I groused, spelling it out.
     "Got it.  Oh, Detective?"
     "Yeah, Roger?"
     "We've got a magical girl here, wants to be arrested and put in jail."
     "Wha?  Who is it?"
     "Pixie Misa--"
     "I give *up*, just PUT me in JAIL and THROW away the key!"  I heard her
screaming in the background.
     Pixie Misa was imitating Richard Lewis...brrr.  Now there's a scary
concept.

     The rest of the day was pretty much followed two trends:  Either a new
magical girl had turned up fighting crime, or an existing one was walking
around the streets so depressed that Prozac was considered.
     Let's just say that I was *really* happy to get to bed that night.  On
the plus side, though, Ecchiville was 90% cleaned up.  I'd heard, though, that
a few of the regular customers actually *liked* the change.  I wasn't sure,
but I think there were mumblings about them *enjoying* being punished for the
virtue of the moment.
     I had to admit, though...a guy could *almost* get used to the new
Ecchiville.  Some of the guys described it as being "almost normal," not the
sin-filled cesspool of spooge that people only went to on dares or out of
desperation.
     That was *one* good thing to come out of this mess.
     On the minus side...I had my work cut out for me, even with the
sunglasses.  If I didn't take care of this soon, it'd only get messier.  There
was also the fact that I could only put up with Cutesy-Wootsie Nene so much
before I had to step out.
     I was *not* looking forward to tomorrow.

     The next day held another surprise, one for Ryo.  He came in late,
looking rather ragged.
     "How's Kaori?"  I asked.
     "Oh, *fine*,"  Ryo grumbled.  "She had a fever for a bit, slept it off,
and then decided to be as sweet as five boxes of candy canes.  She calls
herself Magical Mallet Girl Kaori-Chan now, by the way."
     "Ouch."  I winced sympathetically.  "Where is she now?"
     "Running around in a frilly skirt.  She's malleting `bad guys.'"
     "You're not even trying to stop her?"
     Ryo snorted.  "When have I ever been able to stop her when she got
going?  And what's with those stupid-looking sunglasses on your desk?"
     "You'll find out."  Three, two, one...
     "Good MOR-ning!"  Nene sang out, practically skipping in.  I put on the
sunglasses, which drew a questioning look from Ryo.  I waved him off.  I
didn't have time to explain all the details.
     "Ugh, morning person."  Ryo grumbled.
     "You're in a good mood, kid,"  I commented.
     "Why shouldn't I be?"  she asked.  She pirouetted once, then sank
contentedly into her chair.  "The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and
I'm working with two of the coolest guys in the entire police force."  She
paused and eyed Ryo critically.  "Well, *one* of the coolest guys, anyway."
     "Funny, Nene-chan.  *Real* funny.  I'm gonna get some coffee."  With
that, he tromped out of the office.
     "He's grouchy today,"  she observed.  "What happened?"
     "Kaori turned into a magical girl, one with a huge mallet."
     Nene blinked.  "Oh, okay."
     I surpressed a groan.  Looks like whatever got Nene also made her
nigh-oblivious, bordering on bubble-headed.  I knew that this was *not* a
promising start to the day.
     The phone rang, and for once, I wasn't annoyed.
     "Mays, Anime Detective."  I answered, picking up the phone.
     "Um...this is Hotaru Tomoe."
     "What can I do for you?"
     "I've been feeling really down, lately."  she told me.  "I was fine this
morning, but everything just seemed so overwhelming."
     "Hotaru, are you currently Sailor Saturn?"  If she was, we are in *deep*
trouble.
     "Yes."
     I cupped the phone in my hand.  "Red alert!  Red alert!"  I hissed to
Nene, who seemed lost in her own little world.  "Sailor Saturn is feeling
depressed!"
     Nene snapped out of her sunny daze.  "What should I do?"
     "Get some guys up here, *now*!  I need to keep her talking!"
     "Otherwise, she'll--"
     "Destroy the world, yeah."  I confirmed, then uncupped the receiver as she
sprinted off.  "Hotaru?  How do you feel?"
     "I just feel...empty.  I feel like ending it *all*."
     Criminately, what a day.  It wasn't even 9:00 and the world was in
danger.  I kept her on the phone until the cavalry came:  Six officers, Nene,
Ryo, and some phone equipment.
     "Where do we set up?"  one guy asked.  I waved to the area around my
desk.
     "Here, let me handle this."  Ryo said, taking the receiver.  "Hello,
Hotaru-chan?  This is Ryo Saeba.  Yes, *that* Ryo Saeba--no, I *don't* turn
into a drooling monster at night."
     No comment.  It'd be *far* too easy.
     "Listen,"  he continued, "why do you want to end it all?"  Pause.  "Uh
huh.  Well, I can think of a few reasons why you shouldn't.  First of all, I
don't think very many people are going to be happy with you if you destroy the
world."  Pause.  "Point taken.  There won't be anybody left, but still..."
     I didn't know that Ryo could talk to girls like that.  Maybe I've
underestimated him.
     "...and there're so many things to experience.  I mean, you're young.
Have you ever had a boyfriend?  No?  Then you haven't had your first date,
your first kiss, your first night in a love motel--"
     "GET RYO OFF THE PHONE!"  I shouted.  Some guys dragged him off and a guy
with medium brown hair and glasses sat down.  He turned on the speaker phone.
     "Um, hi...my name's Sean.  What seems to be the problem?" he asked with a
vague accent.
     "I feel all empty inside,"  Hotaru said, sounding like she needed a quick
dose of Prozac.  "I don't know why I should keep on going.  I mean, nobody
really understands me.  They look at me and see the Grim Reaper."
     "I dunno why.  You sound like a nice girl to me."  Sean commented.
     There was a long, nail-biting pause.
     "Really?"  she asked, sounding like a little girl.
     "Yeah, I think so.  You got any hobbies?"
     "I like collecting lamps."
     Gaffney gave me a thumbs-up and a quick smile.  I deflated in relief.
     "You sure you can handle her?"  I whispered.  "I don't want the world to
end while I'm heading to ICKI."
     "Don't worry, Detective.  I've got everything under complete control."
he reassured me.
     I don't know why, but I grimaced when he said that.  I felt like I'd just
bitten into something sour, like a lemon.  Weird.

     "So, this is ICKI, huh?"  Nene asked.
     "Yup."
     "How come we're here?"
     "Well, I figured that Pocky should have a first-hand look at Kawaiiville.
If anything's out of place, *I* sure wouldn't be able to tell."
     "That's a pretty good idea,"  she said.
     "I have my moments,"  I told her.  "By the way, could you *please* let go
of my arm?  I need both hands to drive."
     "Awww..."

     Kawaiiville was not the kind of place that I frequent, for obvious
reasons.  In this case, though, I didn't have much of a choice.  I had to
check out how bad the damage was.  I wasn't the only one, as Pocky had tagged
along at my request.  Nene, even though she was fighting off a giggle fit, was
also roaming around with me, acting as my notepad.  At least, she *would've*
been acting as my notepad if she weren't trying to cut off all circulation to
my arm!
     It was an...interesting ride.  Pocky was looking at me and Nene from the
back, and I could just see that smirk in the rear-view mirror.
     Laugh it up, guy...this isn't *nearly* as much fun as you might think.
     The last time I was here, the place was be full of sweetness and light.
Even the buildings were painted in pastel shades, mostly pink and lavender.
Everybody was walking around, happy as can be.
     That was then, this is now.
     We got out of the car, more than a little surprised at how dreary the
place had gotten.  Animate girls were walking around with their heads bowed,
and little grey clouds followed them.
     "That's never a good sign,"  Pocky commented.
     "No kidding,"  I remarked.
     "PU!  PupupupuPU!  PUpu!"  An annoyingly high-pitched voice exclaimed.
     You know, if Dante was alive right now, he'd add another circle to
Hell..and its ruler would be Mokona.  The little marshmallow was being chased
by two groups, one of them wearing white robes and the other carrying cooking
utensils, graham crackers, and chocolate slices.  The second group was wearing
chefs hats.
     "Lemme guess..."  Pocky ventured.  "That's the cult of Mokona?"
     "What was your first clue?"  I deadpanned.
     "Mokona!  We're not worthy to stand in your presence!"  a white-robed guy
proclaimed, prostrating himself before the puffball.
     "Pupu?"
     "C'mon guy, get a life!  There are better things to worship than a
marshmallow-shaped deus ex machina!"  another guy shouted.
     "If you knew Mokona as we do, you wouldn't say these things."
     "Yeah, right, I--"  The leader of the chefs stopped short, changing his
attitude.  "Look, we could both butt heads on Mokona, and we wouldn't solve
anything.  What say we give it a rest for a while, okay?  You hungry?"
     "Well...maybe a little.  What do you have?"
     "You in the mood for s'mores?"  the chef leader asked.
     "Sure!  But, aren't you missing something?  I mean, you have graham
crackers and chocolate...where's the marshmallow?"
     The chef grinned, looking directly at Mokona.  "Oh...I think I can remedy
that."
     Before I could intervene, the air was filled with shouts of "BLASPHEMER"
and "HEATHEN."
     "This,"  Pocky declared, "is the worst I've ever seen this place."
     I noticed that after that, he was all business.  He scribbled down random
things in a notepad, his eyes not missing anything.
     "How're you holding up, Detective?"  he asked me, noticing that I was
rubbing my temples.
     "You all right, Andy?"  Nene asked.
     I just held my hands on either side of my head, about eight inches
across.  Even with the sunglasses, I had a headache *that* big.
     "He'll be okay.  He just needs a few thousand Excedrin.  Right,
Detective?"
     "Nah, just a few dozen with a bottle of Mylanta to wash it down."  I
corrected him.
     "Your stomach's bothering you, your head's pounding, and you're not
running away screaming?  You're pretty tough."
     "Tough, stubborn, or stupid...I've got a job to do."  I told him.
     "Well, you're dedicated, that's for sure.  I--"  Pocky stopped short as
he caught sight of something.  It had to have been something pretty shocking
as he did a double, then triple-take.  "Tell me I'm not seeing what I *think*
I am."
     I looked up and gaped at a sight that would've even shorted out Sherlock
Holmes's brain.
     Usually, Fuu Houoji is calm, happy, and demure.  She's one of the nicest
girls you could hope to meet, short of Belldandy or Kasumi Tendo.
     Right now, she looks like the poster child for leather.  She was wearing
a black leather crop-top with a matching mini-skirt.  The skirt itself was
hanging at an angle, showing off the only hint of green...and that bit of
clothing shouldn't normally be seen.
     My god, things are nastier than I thought.
     "F--f--Fuu?"  I stammered.
     Pocky wasn't in much better shape.  He gaped her, probably wondering
exactly how many perverts would take advantage of her right now.
     "This change is not the work of any normal virus, Scu--err..."  he
stopped himself.
     "Cute,"  I remarked.
     "Yeah, everything around here is...or, at least was."  He took out a dish
from his jacket...looked like a Petri dish.  "If this is the work of a virus,
I'm going to need a sample."
     "What *kind* of sample?"  I asked.
     "Saliva will do nicely.  I'd prefer drawing blood, but I don't think I'm
going to survive extracting it the way things are now.  I may know Tae Kwon
Do, but I'm not crazy."
     "And *how* are you going to *get* this sample?  Ask 'em to spit?"
     "Not exactly."
     Pocky approached Fuu, and started talking to her.  I couldn't quite make
out the conversation, but it looked like she was getting pretty agitated.
Finally, she gave him a raspberry and stalked off.
     "That's one way to do it."  I commented.
     "It worked, didn't it?"  he replied.  "Anybody have a towel?"
     I whipped one out of Who Knows Where.  "Here you go."
     "Thanks."  He wiped himself off.
     "What'd you say to her?"  I asked.
     "Oh, I told her that Ferio wasn't all that hot."
     I winced.  "You were treading on dangerous ground."
     "Not really.  I noticed that she wasn't wearing her glove, so I figured
that she couldn't hurt me *too* badly."  He paused and examined the petri dish
he was holding.  "This is a scary thought:  I'm holding something shiny, and
Azusa Shiratori hasn't tried to grab it."
     "Maybe she's infected already?"  I suggested.
     Pocky considered the idea.  "It'd be pretty tough to tell in the first
place, don't you think?"
     I was about to agree with him when my stomach growled.  In the ensuing
mess, I'd totally forgotten about lunch.  I guess having a light breakfast
wasn't a good idea after all.
     "I don't suppose you know any place where we can stop and eat?"  I asked.
     "I could use a banana split myself."  Nene added.
     "What about your diet?"
     "Andy, I've gone without sugar for the last month, and it hasn't done
anything."
     Pocky blinked.  "*You've* gone without sugar?"
     "It was the latest thing.  I didn't lose any weight, though."  she
frowned.
     Pocky and I shared a quick glance.  This could be important.
     "There's a pretty good place down the street."  Pocky said.  "The food's
great, and I know the owner."
     "Sounds good to me.  What's the place called?"  I asked.
     "The Rainbow Cafe."

     As it turned out, the place Pocky suggested was a pretty nice one.  I got
the feeling that he came to this place often, as we were greeted by the
customers.  I noticed, though, that just about everyone in the restaurant was
an Animate high school girl.
     "Interesting place,"  I commented.
     "The atmosphere's nice and the food's great.  I'm just glad your
partner's not here."
     "That makes two of us.  What do you think, Nene--where'd she go?"  I
asked, looking around.
     Pocky pointed to a table.  A waitress with short red hair and slightly
arched bangs was taking Nene's order.
     "Hey, Yuko,"  Pocky greeted her.  "How's it going?"
     She smiled back.  "Oh, not bad.  I'm just doing this as a sideline so
that I can go on a trip next month."
     "Still the terror of the UFO Catcher machine?"
     "It's a gift."
     I blinked.  "I take it that you guys know each other."
     "Oh, sorry.  Yuko Asahina, this is Detective Andrew Mays, Anime
Detective."
     Yuko suddenly looked a bit nervous.  "Um...nice to meet you.  What'll you
have?"
     "Turkey BLT and keep the coffee coming."  I told her.
     "Okay!  We're kind of busy right now, so it'll be a few minutes before
Saki can get to your order."  Yuko looked at her order slip again.  "Are you
*sure* you want the triple deluxe banana split with extra whipped cream?"  she
asked Nene.
     "I'm sure."  Nene insisted.  "I've gone without sugar for the last month,
and I think it's time to make up for lost time."
     "Suit yourself."  Yuko paused from taking our order and took a quick
whiff.  "Are you wearing perfume or something?"
     "I don't think so,"  Nene replied.
     "Hm.  Well, whatever it is, it smells nice.  I'll be back with your order
in a few minutes."  she promised.
     "I dunno why you're so worried about your weight, kid.  You look fine to
me."  I shrugged.
     "Detective, girls *always* worry about their weight."  Pocky pointed out.
     "I kinda noticed.  Who's running this place, anyway?"
     "A friend of mine, Saki Nijino.  She's cute, petite, and can really
cook.  Literally, I mean."  he added.
     "All by herself?"
     "She's got help, and some financial backing from a friend of hers.
'Course, I don't really care for the backer, but running the restaraunt seems
to agree with Saki."
     I took another look around.  Wherever I looked, there were teenage
Animate girls chatting, eating ridiculously overdone desserts, or reading.  I
felt like I'd crashed on the set of one of those trendy teenage shows, only
without the angst and hormones.
     Pocky must've noticed that I wasn't very comfortable.  "Something wrong?"
     "I feel like a stranger in a strange land, especially wearing these
sunglasses.  I don't suppose you know anyone here?"
     His smirk was all the answer I needed.  "That's what I thought."
     While eating lunch, he gave us a brief rundown on the restaurant.  As it
turned out, the place was a hot spot for girls starring in dating simulation
games.  I was more interested in my BLT than the roll call he gave out for the
girls eating there.  I nodded politely and grunted when he paused, then
realized that he was headed over towards another table.  The occupant, a cute
Animate girl with shoulder-length green hair in plaits and glasses, was
quietly engrossed in her book until he sat down.
     Criminately, do we really have *time* to be flirting when the city's
being overrun with magical girls?  I sighed noisily.  Nene was otherwise
occupied tearing into her sundae like she hadn't eaten in a month.
     I was trying to ignore the conversations around me when I noticed that
our waitress didn't seem too well.  In fact, she looked rather flushed and
wobbly.
     "You okay?"  I asked her.
     She wiped her brow.  "I think I need to lie down for a little bit.  I'll
be right back."
     Why did I have the strange feeling that Pocky should be examining her?
If only I could get him away from that girl.
     "...I'm free Sunday."  she told him.
     "Sunday sounds great,"  he agreed.  "I'll see you here at lunchtime?"
     "Un,"  she nodded, then smiled.
     "Great!  Well, I'll see you then."  He made a bit of a show of walking
calmly to my table, but the big grin on his face ruined the image.
     "Something you'd wanted to do for a while?"  I asked him.
     "Oh, yeah.  I just never seemed to have the time until now."
     "Lunch date?"
     "Date?"  Nene asked.  That seemed to get her out of her sugar stupor.
     "Um...Pocky and...what was her name?"
     "Mio.  Mio Kisaragi,"  he said.  "She loves books, especially romance
novels, and romantic movies."
     "You gonna tell me her stats next?"
     "Well, they're--"  he stopped himself and looked embarrassed.
"I'm...familiar with her."
     "Maybe you should familiarize yourself with our waitress.  It may be
nothing, but I've got a feeling that she's caught the bug we've been looking
for."
     Pocky turned serious.  "Something's wrong with Yuko?"
     "Well, she looked kinda feverish.  I think she went to lie down."
     "Where?  Maybe I can get her to back to the lab for observation."
     I jerked a thumb over to the women's restroom.  "Where no man has gone
before."
     Nene looked up from her sundae.  "If she's sick, I could probably go in
there and help her out."
     I blinked.  That was so obvious, it might have actually worked.  The fact
that this was one of the kid's more coherent sentences got my attention.
     "Yeah, why n--"
     An earth-shaking jolt killed that idea.  Another one followed, and
another...almost like footsteps.  We scrambled outside, not knowing what to
expect.
     I couldn't help but gape.  Normally, I'd only expect to see Rei and Asuka
from Evangelion in either Mechatown or Teensborough.  Then again, neither of
them would normally be wearing the outrageously frilly outfits they were
sporting now, sitting on the shoulders of their mechs.
     Their Eva units, however, were another story.  I don't want to be sued
for causing blindness or brain damage, but the mechs had seen better days.
The ruffles and lace didn't help very much.
     The thing that really got me was the fact that both of them were getting
along fairly well.  In Rei's case, it was disturbing.  After all, not only was
the blue-haired girl more emotional...she was practically worshipping the
ground that Asuka walked on.  Not, mind you, that Asuka seemed to object any.
     "Oh, Asuka, you're so *cool*!"  Rei squealed.
     "Glad you finally noticed, Wonder Girl."  Asuka replied.  I could barely
see her smirk, but I knew it was there.
     "Oh my God, that is just *so* wrong."  Pocky commented, craning his neck
upwards.
     "What part are you talking about?"  I asked.
     Pocky shrugged and made an almost futile, all-encompassing gesture.
"Take your pick.  I'm not sure where to start myself.  Although...you've gotta
admit that Asuka looks very cute in ruffles and lace."
     "I'd prefer that she lose some of that chip on her shoulder."  I
muttered.
     "Then she wouldn't be Asuka."  Pocky replied.
     "I guess.  You gonna ask them for spit samples, too?"
     "Not unless I *want* to be trampled--oh, waitaminute..."  he trailed off
as both Eva units knelt down and lowered their pilots to the ground.  "Hm.
This may be my lucky day."
     "It sure as hell isn't mine--WHOA!"  I exclaimed as Rei bounced down off
her Eva unit and proceeded to glomp onto me.  Shiny red eyes sparkled as she
blinked innocently at me.
     "Hiii..." she practically sang out.  "Isn't Asuka just the *coolest* girl
you've ever seen?"
     "Uh...she's *something* all right."  I admitted.
     "Wanna talk about it over lunch?  I'm starving."
     I had the strange feeling that a thousand fiery daggers were flying past
me.  Wriggling slightly from Rei's glomp, I noticed Nene giving Rei her best
Nasty Glare.  I could practically see the Red Aura of Death surrounding Nene,
something I'd encountered before.
     "I, uh...I already had lunch."
     "Yes, he *has* had lunch.  With *me*."  Nene said rather posessively.
     Rei blinked, then looked at Nene, then me.  Her eyes widened in some sort
of realization and she giggled.
     "Ohhh...*that's* how you two are!  Sorry, I didn't--I mean, I just feel
so light and airy and without a care in the world and does this place have
good sundaes because I could *really* use one right about now?"  Rei rambled.
     What was it with girls and their sudden sugar cravings?  I glanced over
where Pocky was and saw Asuka cramming sticks of Pocky down her mouth.  The
guy shook himself out of it, and trudged towards me.  He gestured to one side,
hinting that perhaps some time away from the girls might be a good idea.
Unfortunately, I was a little busy at the time.
     "Uh, this place is pretty good,"  I told Rei, all the while trying to
ignore Nene's glare.  "First, though...could you park those things somewhere
*else*?"
     They both blinked, then made the classic "I'm just a silly airhead"
gesture, complete with mock head-whap.
     "Well, *duh*!"  Asuka exclaimed.  "What were we thinking?"
     "I was just following your lead."  Rei replied.  "And, I was hungry."
     "So, where *can* we park our rides?"  Asuka asked me.
     I rubbed my chin as I tried to remember the nearest mecha parking spot.
It'd been a while since I had to give directions.
     "Um...go down that way about a block or two and check your left.  If you
see the big neon Gundam, you're in the right place.  Oh, and don't pay for
valet parking unless you *really* like shelling out twenty bucks and getting
your mech's back scratched up."
     Rei blinked.  "Oh, okay.  Thanks for the tip, Detective.  Byee!"  she
practically sang out, and moved in close.  If I didn't know better, I'd think
she was about to give me a peck on the cheek.
     That was nipped in the bud, however, by a sudden flare-up of Nene's Aura
of Death.  Rei retreated, her red eyes doing the dread Sparkly Tears.  Asuka
wasn't much better, recoiling back from potential bodily harm.
     "Wah!  Scary..."  they both exclaimed.  Before I could say anything, they
scrambled up their Eva units and dashed off.
     I peered at Nene from the corner of my eye.  The red aura had faded, and
now she was just mildly pouty.  I could deal with pouty.

     "Detective, Asuka just crammed half the Pocky I had down her throat."  he
whispered.
     "How many boxes did you have?"
     "About 12.  No ordinary person could eat 6 boxes worth of Pocky in one
sitting, at least not without something to drink."
     "Yeah, it *does* sound kinda odd,"  I agreed.
     Pocky looked at me pointedly.  "`Kinda?'  On an odd scale, I'd give it
about a seven.  Although, quite honestly, Nene's aura was an eight, easily."
     "It isn't weird!"  Nene said indignantly, interrupting us.
     "It isn't?"  we both asked her.
     "It's a perfectly normal reaction when someone else tries anything with
my snuggly Andy."
     Pocky sighed.  "I feel for you, man.  I really do."
     "*Thanks*."  I replied sourly.  "What else could--"
     My walkie talkie came to life in a burst of static.  "Trenchcoat one,
this is Stud Man."
     "What is it, Drool Boy?"  I asked.
     "Stud Man, dammit!  I'm at the corner of Miyazaki and Takahashi.  I'm in
pursuit of someone who's gotten waay too cutesy--oh, look at those legs, and
those big...forget this.  MOKKORI--AIEE!!!"
     I winced as I heard Ryo being beaten.  The walkie talkie cut off as,
presumably, it took a hit.
     "That sounds nasty."  Pocky commented.
     "I'd better check it out."  I sighed.
     "Want me to come along?"  Nene asked.
     I was about to say "no" when part of me realized that I probably
couldn't.  Thankfully, Pocky picked up on my hesitation.
     "Actually, I could use someone to help me take notes."  he said.
     She frowned.  "Well...all right.  Are you sure you'll be okay?"
     "I'll be fine, kiddo.  If you need a ride back, just call me or the
station, okay?"
     "All right..."  She didn't sound too enthused, but that couldn't be
helped.
     It wasn't hard to find Ryo.  All I had to do was look for the
flustered-looking Animate girls.  Truthfully, though, he'd had better days.  I
mean, even when he's been beaten up by Kaori, he at least looks halfway human.
Now, he just looks like a pile of something with a head, two hands and two
feet.  He was sporting more lumps on his head than a bowlful of sugar cubes,
and his eyes were doing the "I'm so hurt I'm seeing stars" routine.
     "What the hell happened to you?"  I asked.
     "You know how magical girls get some pretty skimpy attire when they
transform?"
     "Yeah?"
     "Well, Mai Shiranui's been infected, and YOW! I like her new oufit!"  he
declared.  "A micro-mini skirt with a G-string looks *gooood* on her!"
     "Lemme guess...you tried asking her out."
     "Nope.  Skipped past that and tried going for her mokkori--"
     "I *get* the *point*."  I told him.  "Then she proceeded to pound you
into Mr. Potato Head."
     "It was worth it..."  he grinned.  I think it was a grin, anyway.  Maybe
it was a grimace.
     "You manage to get any clues from her?"
     "Unless you count her calling for Andy Bogard and bouncing all over the
place...no, not really."  Ryo replied.  "Could you help me out of here?"
     I grabbed his shoulders and hoisted him up.
     "I noticed something, though..."  he began.
     "What, that pain is funny when it happens to somebody else?"
     "Ha ha."  he deadpanned.  "No, it's just that the initial outbreak was on
the outskirts of Kawaiiville--"
     "Right along the parade route,"  I agreed.  "Pocky's looking into some
possibilities right now."
     "Nice to know that we've got some help."  Ryo muttered.  "Where's
Nene-chan?  I thought she'd be clinging to your arm."
     "Where's Kaori?"  I countered.
     Ryo coughed.  "Busy."
     "Fighting evil?"
     He nodded.  "With a mallet.  And a skirt.  And my car.  And those huge
sparkly eyes that light up the room and make me nauseous."
     "Now you know how *I* feel sometimes."  I sighed.  "Well, Mai's long
gone.  Might as well meet up with Nene and Pocky, see what they've got.
     "I dunno,"  Ryo said.  "I could probably find another girl to check
out--for the case, I mean,"  he quickly amended.
     I reached into my trenchcoat pocket and cleared my throat meaningfully.
"Would you rather ride shotgun, or in the trunk?"
     He sighed.  "Geez, you're grouchy today."
     "I wonder why?"

     We didn't get far before we saw something mildly disturbing.  I'm not
talking the kind of disturbing that makes you go "yuck."  It was the kind of
disturbing that made a person shake their head and say "That's just not
right." 
     Case in point:  Sakura Kinomoto was probably one of the most cheerful
Animate girls I've known...and one of the few that I can approach without
twitching.  Her friend Kero-chan, however, was another story.  I'm sorry, but
a critter that looks like a yellow stuffed plushie doesn't do any wonders for
my...situation. Still, as far as mascots went, he wasn't too bad.
     Right now, she was trudging along the street with a gloom cloud that you
needed a chainsaw to cut through.  If you were within 30 feet of her, you
could tell she was depressed.  I knew that it was serious because she wasn't
wearing her rollerblades.  From the looks of it, she just decided to walk
around aimlessly.
     Criminately, I can't just let her go like that.  Call me crazy but I just
can't stand seeing people that depressed.
     "Looks like she could use a pick-me-up,"  Ryo commented.
     "Yeah,"  I agreed.  "Poor kid must be having a rough time.  What's weird
is that none of her friends are with her."
     "I noticed that.  I'm not very good at this kind of thing, but do you
think we should...?"
     "It couldn't hurt."
     I pulled the car over to the side and got out.  Ryo followed suit.

     "Are you okay, Sakura?"  I asked.
     "Un..."  she nodded slowly.  "I just...needed to be alone for a while."
     "You're quite a ways from home, Sakura-chan,"  Ryo observed.  "Do you
need a ride back?"
     She seemed to consider the offer.  "My Dad and brother must be worried by
now.  All I seem to do is cause trouble.  I--"
     "Sakura-chan,"  Ryo interrupted her.  "You're a good girl.  You're
cheerful, helpful, and kind to your friends.  I don't think that anybody could
think badly of you."
     "Sakura, it's normal to feel down once in a while.  What you're feeling
is pretty strong, isn't it?"  I asked her.
     She nodded.  "I started feeling bad a couple of days ago.  Food didn't
taste as good, and things just seemed...empty."
     "There wasn't any real *reason* for it, was there?"  I persisted.
     "No, it just...*happened*.  I don't think anything else has changed."
     "Well, in this case, what you're feeling isn't real.  It's not because of
you.  There's a little something going around."
     "Like a cold?"  she asked.
     "Something like that, Sakura-chan."  Ryo replied.  "We're looking into
it."
     "Oh."
     We waited awkwardly in silence.  If her friend Tomoyo were here, she
would've cheered the kid up in no time.  Truthfully, I was a little worried at
how far she was from home.
     "You know,"  I began, "you've walked a pretty long way.  Do you need a
ride back home?"
     She considered it, then nodded.
     "I think...I'd like that."  She brightened up ever so slightly.  "If it's
no trouble."
     "None at all,"  Ryo reassured her.
     After contacting Nene and Pocky by walkie talkie, Ryo and I drove Sakura
home.  Correction:  I was doing the driving while Ryo was casting worried
glances at our 11 year-old passenger.  It was one of the few times when I
thought there might be a decent person under tons of hormones.

     "Don't worry, Sakura-chan,"  Ryo said quietly as we dropped her off.  He
knelt down and patted her on the shoulder.  "We'll take care of this.  We
always have before."
     "Really?"  she asked, a glimmer of her perkiness re-emerging.
     He nodded.  "My partner may be uptight and rough--"
     I winced.  Oh, you are asking for it, Ryo.
     "--but he's also good at what he does."
     "Sakura-chan!"  a girl's voice exclaimed.  I turned around, and sure
enough, it was Tomoyo Daidouji.  "Where were you?  I was worried about you."
she said, running towards us.
     "Tomoyo-chan..."  Sakura smiled weakly.
     The rest of the conversation was lost as about a half dozen young ladies
in black suits and sunglasses surrounded them, facing outward.  Ryo took an
interest in the new arrivals.
     "You're the Daidouji family bodyguards, I'm guessing?"  he asked one of
the ladies, one with long auburn hair.
     She nodded curtly.  "And you're Ryo Saeba."  she responded neutrally.
     "Indeed I am."  he acknowledged.  My God, was Ryo actually attempting to
be smooth?
     "This is not the time for conversation."  she informed him.
     Ryo sighed.  "Pity.  I guess you're right, though."
     The bodyguards looked confused.  Obviously, they'd heard about his
reputation.  Ryo was never one to give up that easily.
     "Maybe someday, when we're both off duty, we can...talk.  Pro to pro, I
mean."
     She actually looked like she was taken aback, then recovered, her mouth a
flat line.  "Perhaps.  Not today, though."
     "But someday.  Sakura-chan and Tomoyo-chan will be safe."  The way Ryo
said it, it wasn't a question.
     "Of course."  the auburn-haired bodyguard said.
     "Good.  Until next time, then."
     I gaped as Ryo walked to the passenger's side of my car and got in.  I
noticed that three of the bodyguards had already escorted Sakura and Tomoyo to
their limo.  The one that Ryo had been talking to had let her sunglasses slip
ever so slightly.  I thought that I saw a hint of confusion in her eyes before
she recovered.
     "He's got a reputation,"  I told her.
     "Indeed he does."  she said, with the tiniest hint of a smile.
"He's...intriguing,"  she admitted.
     Was she actually *interested* in him?  Stranger yet, Kaori hadn't
appeared to clobber Ryo.
     "If you'll excuse me,"  she said, not giving me a chance to protest.  She
did hesitate long enough to smirk at Ryo and remove her sunglasses.  The
moment passed, and she was striding towards the driver's seat of the limo.

     "I can't believe you were flirting with the bodyguards." I said as I
started up the car.
     "I wasn't flirting,"  Ryo protested.  "I was talking to another
professional."
     "Yeah, right."  I snorted.  "Don't tell me that last look she gave you
was purely professional."
     "No, that was a look that said `best two out of three,'"  Ryo grinned.
     "Can you keep your mind off that for more than ten minutes?"  I asked.
     "Hey, I kept it clean for Sakura-chan's sake!  All of the innuendos went
*completely* over their heads!"
     "How considerate,"  I deadpanned.  "She is a cute kid, though."
I commented nonchalantly.
     "She'll grow up to be a heartbreaker someday,"  he agreed.
     "Were my ears deceiving me, or were you almost complimenting me?"
     "Simple fact.  You *are* good at what you do."  Ryo frowned.  "You are
also in *dire* need of a good long--"
     I glared at him from the corner of my eyes.
     "--*talk* with a nice young lady.  You know...someone like Nene-chan."
     "I would hurt you, but I don't want to wreck my car again."

     "Good timing,"  Pocky said as we caught up with him and Nene.  "I'm just
about done here."
     "ANDY!"  Nene exclaimed, getting me in the Glomp of Doom.  "I missed
you!"
     "Notsotightnotsotight..."  I rasped as I had the wind knocked out of me.
     "Sorry, sorry."  she said hurriedly.  The kid unfastened herself from my
midsection and clamped herself on my arm.  There goes the circulation in that
arm.
     Pocky cleared his throat.  "Anyway, if you'll drop me off at the lab,
I'll see what I can do.  Nene was a big help with my notes.  She was
very...enthusiastic."
     The kid blushed.  "Glad to help."
     Pocky was about to say something more when his cell phone rang.  "Hello?
Yeah, I'm about to head back right--whoa, we've got *how* many?  Uh huh.  Uh
huh.  Well, see if you can't keep 'em away from the ones that aren't showing
symptoms.  And if you could separate the ones with glasses--"  he looked up,
then cleared his throat.  "--never mind that last part.  Anyway, I'll be back
soon.  Okay, gotcha.  Bye."
     "Problem?"  I asked.
     "Yeah, we got a sudden influx of depressed magical girls.  I'm going to
be keeping *real* busy today.  I'll call you if I get anything."

     Things weren't much better after we dropped off Pocky and then headed to
the office.  I was actually in the mood for some nice boring paperwork when we
all heard some sort of commotion outside.
     Criminately...not *another* infected magical girl!  If I find out who's
responsible for this, I am going to cram so much sugar down their throat--
     POOF!  "Ribbit!"
     Ribbit?
     I peeked out of the window and grimaced.  What was once a bustling city
street had suddenly turned into a jungle.  I recognized the Animate in the
middle of the chaos as Magical Emi.  Come to think of it, though, exactly
*how* many Animates wear a magician's outfit with a bodysuit, stockings, and
elbow-length gloves?
     No, the bunny-girl motif does *not* count.
     "I can handle this,"  Ryo told me, beating me to the door.
     "You sure?  You're not exactly the most diplomatic person when it comes
to cute women."
     "I was diplomatic to that bodyguard,"  he reminded me.
     "I'm going to regret this, aren't I?"  I muttered to myself, then turned
to Nene.  "Might wanna stay here, kiddo."
     "But I wanna see what's going on."  she insisted, pouting.
     "*Please*?"
     Nene sighed.  "Oh, all right."
     "Thanks, kid.  I owe you one."
     "Oi, oi, Emi-chan."  Ryo began sternly.  "You can't just walk down the
street turning people into animals just because they're staring at your
outfit."
     "What's wrong with my magician's outfit?!"
     "Nothing, nothing."  he said quickly.  "Personally, I like it."
     "Really?"
     "Oh, yeah.  I mean, it's decent, but it's tight in all the right places
and it shows off your nice legs.  Although somehow, I don't think that you can
possibly be wearing anything underneath that--"
     "I am, *too*!"
     "Are not."
     "Am *too*!"
     Ryo rubbed his chin in thought as he eyed her.  "Well, since I don't have
x-ray vision, there's only one other way to check--"
     "HENTAI!"  POOF!
     "Ribbit?"
     .....
     Magical Emi just turned Ryo into...into...
     I broke down laughing, nearly rolling on the sidewalk.  It was the best
laugh I'd had in a long time.
     It was a few minutes before I regained my composure.  I still had the
silly smirk on my face when Magical Mallet Girl Kaori raced to the scene.
     "Ryo!  Speak to me!"  she said, picking him up.
     "RIBBIT!  Ribbitribbitribbit!"  Ryo croaked out, rather articulately for
an amphibian.
     "Don't worry, Ryo,"  Kaori said, putting Ryo down.  "I'll get you back to
normal."
     "Ribbit?"
     "Just close your eyes."
     The frog eyed her suspiciously, then did so.  I wasn't exactly sure what
she had in mind, but it couldn't be much worse than what he was going through.
     "MAGICAL MALLET WHOMP CURE!"  Kaori exclaimed, bringing down a 6 x 10^23
ton mallet covered with cheesy stars down on Ryo.  Lifting the mallet up, Ryo
sprung upwards, now human, and considerably worse for the wear.
     "ThAnKs...I tHiNk..."  Ryo said unsteadily, then collapsed.
     I took a really good look at Kaori's outfit.  It was mostly pink, had a
lot of ruffles and lace, and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was
feminine.  It was also one of the scariest things I'd ever encountered.  I
would've been doing a lot more than just wincing if I didn't have the glasses
on.
     "Another victory for truth, justice, and really big mallets!"  Kaori
proclaimed.  "And now, off to save another soul in distress!"  With that, she
ran off.
     I sighed and was about to drag Ryo back in when I bumped into someone.
     "Hey, do ya mind?  I'm walking here!"
     That voice instantly set me on edge.  I glanced over my shoulder and
grimaced.
     I suppose that Ranma had seen better days.  However, the little jerk's
wardrobe usually veered towards Chinese clothing, not a full-body raincoat.
He was even carrying one of the largest umbrellas I'd ever seen.
     "*Somebody's* trying hard not to get wet,"  I commented.
     Ranma glared at me as if I were an idiot.  "Well, *duh*.  What was your
first clue?"  he retorted sarcastically.  "And what's with those dumb-looking
sunglasses?"
     "Gee, I don't know,"  I returned with the same amount of venom.  "It
*might* be that get-up you're wearing.  Any reason for the paranoia?  And FYI,
if I didn't *need* 'em, I wouldn't wear 'em."
     "It ain't paranoia if they're really out to getcha,"  he replied.  "For
*your* information, I don't wanna get soaked now."
     "Any particular reason why, aside from the obvious?"
     Ranma gritted his teeth.  "You don't wanna know, and I don't wanna think
about it."
     A thought occured to me.  "You weren't at that parade a day or so
back...were you?"
     Ranma squirmed.  "I mighta passed through."
     The gears started turning in my head.  "This wouldn't happen to apply to
your...other half, would it?"
     "I ain't talkin' about it."
     "So, it's safe to say that you turn into Magical Girl Ranma-Chan, right?"
     He dropped his umbrella and grabbed me by my trenchcoat lapels.  "Who
told you?!"  he demanded.  "It was Ryoga, right?  Or was it Mousse?"
     I glared at him.  "Assaulting a police officer is a criminal offense."  I
coldly informed him.
     He growled in frustration, but didn't let me go.  I decided to give him
some one-ton incentive.
     WHAM!
     "What the hell'd you do *that* for?!"
     "Self-defense.  You didn't let go of my trenchcoat."
     "Why I oughta--"
     Ranma didn't get a chance to finish his sentence because someone decided
to toss a bucket of water at his face.  He was so ticked off at me that he
didn't even see it coming.
     Before Magical Martial-Artist Ranma-Chan could really get going with the
obligatory speech, a largish panda decided to loom over her and smack her
silly.  Dragging the now-unconscious magical jerk by the collar, the panda
held up a sign that said:
     "Sorry about the mess."
     "No prob," I said.  "I would've probably pounded her on principle.
     You know, sometimes I wish that I *did* go into a berserker rage like
Alise.  Then again, I'd probably have a lot more lawsuits in my life.

     The rest of the day was, thankfully, less eventful.  It was when quitting
time came that I got a little apprehensive.
     "Kid, don't you think it's about time for you to go home?"  It was
getting pretty late, and to be honest, the prospect of Nene wandering around
in a hardsuit with a frilly skirt wasn't pretty.
     "Mmmmmaybe."  she said mischieviously.  Gah, she must've had a *lot* of
sugar to be *this* bubbly.
     "`Maybe?'"  I repeated.
     "On one condition,"  she added, holding up her index finger.  "That we go
out on a date soon."
     "How soon?"
     She giggled.  "Really soon.  Is Friday okay?"
     I think I can handle that.  "No problem,"  I told her.
     "With dinner."
     "Sounds good."
     "And a movie."
     "Okay."  I agreed.
     "And a kiss goodnight."
     .....
     "I didn't catch that *last* part."
     "A kiss."  she repeated.  "And not just a peck on the cheek or on the
forehead...I want one right here."  She pointed to her lips, puckering up for
emphasis.
     Ryo popped up.  "Is tongue optional?"  he asked, grinning.  "Because I'd
*really* like to see the two of you going at it--"
     Just before I reached for my mallet, Nene pulled out a frying pan from
Who Knows Where and smacked him with the bottom of it.  My partner went down,
but not before he ruined the pan.
     "Nice shot."  I commented.
     "Thanks.  Do we have a deal?"
     "Do I have a choice?"
     "Well...if you don't think I'm *pretty* enough or *cute* enough to do
this kind of thing..."   She started pouting in a way that would've touched
off every cringe muscle in my body, if it weren't for the sunglasses.  As it
was, I just winced.
     "Fine.  Done.  Friday.  Go home.  Get some sleep."
     The kid grinned and launched herself at me.  "I'm *so* happy!"  she
exclaimed, hugging me like there was no tomorrow.  Before I knew what was
going on, she pecked me on the lips and skipped off.
     "Aww...isn't she just so *cute*?"  Ryo asked, his face leaning on his
palm.  Geez, how fast can that guy recover?
     "I could say the same about Magical Mallet Girl Kaori."  I shot back.
     Now it was Ryo's turn to wince.  "Do you *know* how hard it is to think
of mokkori when she's around?  One little pout from her, and I turn to mush.
I'd *almost* prefer getting hit by her."
     "What, the short skirt isn't cutting it for you?"  I joked.  "Where is
she, anyway?"
     "Trying to get a tuxedo for me."
     .....
     "No, *really*."
     Ryo looked at me, dead serious.  "Really."
     "She's *that* far gone?"  I asked.
     "Yup.  It was cute the first couple of minutes, but this is *really*
starting to get on my nerves."
     "Don't you have plenty of tuxedos already?"  I asked.
     "Apparently, none of 'em are `cool' enough for me.  I *did* have three
requests that ought to keep her busy, though."
     "Those being?"
     "First,"  he counted on his hands, "the tuxedo in question has to be
bulletproof.  That alone should keep her looking.  Second, it must be durable
enough not to leave wear marks where I put my holsters."
     I could understand the second request.  Some of my jackets practically
scream "cop" because of where the fabric's worn down.
     "And third?"
     He grinned.  "It has to fit me perfectly, of course."
     "Forgive me for saying so, but...wouldn't number three necessitate you
actually *being* with her?"
     "When she can find a tailor that can accommodate the first two requests,
I'll worry."
     "This is the city,"  I reminded him.  "She might actually find one."
     "Then I'll have time to run."  he said glibly.
     It was then that we heard a frantic knocking on the door.  Ryo paled a
little bit.
     "Ryo!  I found a tailor for your tuxedo!"  Kaori shouted.
     Ryo's face didn't quite turn the color of chalk.  "If I asked you to hide
me,"  he asked quietly, "would you?"
     I didn't even blink.  "Nope."
     "Sadist."
     "I've got Nene, you've got Kaori.  Deal with it."
     "That's it, you're not getting anything from me on Boss's Day."
     "Since when did you think of me as a boss?"
     "Since never, but it was the only idle threat I could think of."
     "Promises, promises.  Come on, face your torment like a man."
     He grimaced, then reached for the doorknob, his hands trembling.  As soon
as he opened the door, Kaori flew in like a tornado, gabbing all the time
about how cool he'd look and how it took her just *forever* to find a tailor
and wouldn't it be worth it?
     Ryo glared at me and mouthed out "I hate you."
     "Take a number,"  I told him as he was pulled out.
     RIIIING!  CLICK!
     "Mays, Anime Detective."  I answered.
     "Detective?  It's Pocky.  Just wanted to give you a quick update on what
I've got so far."
     "Shoot."
     "I haven't made much progress yet, but I can tell you one thing about the
whole mess:  It looks like it's caused by either a virus or a bacteria.  The
good news is that I *might* be able to find a cure, but don't quote me on
that."
     "What's the bad news?"
     "This bug is *very* contagious.  You remember Yuko, the waitress from the
Rainbow Cafe?"
     "Yeah?"
     "She's now Magical Game Girl Yuko-Chan."
     .....
     "I'd ask you to tell me that you were kidding, but I'm guessing that you
were dead serious, right?"
     "Absolutely.  I've managed to keep her under control by getting her
started on one of my Final Fantasy games.  That alone should keep her busy
for a few days while I look--"
     "All done!"  Yuko's shouted in the background.  I could almost see Pocky
facefaulting.
     "Yuko...you cannot *possibly* have finished a Final Fantasy game in under
two days!  Don't tell me you that you finished *all* the side quests?"
     "Well, I did use a little magic!"  she admitted.  "So, what's next?"
     I heard Pocky sigh, probably through gritted teeth.  "Detective, I may
have less time than I thought to study this bug.  In fact, just about everyone
at the Rainbow Cafe who was there is showing signs of being infected."
     "Sounds messy."
     "Messier than you think.  If you see a redhead with a hairband running
around in a frilly skirt, stay the hell away.  Magical Perfect Girl
Shiori-chan is *not* a pretty sight.  It could be worse, though...Rei could've
been infected."
     "I thought that Rei *was* infected."
     "Wrong Rei,"  he corrected me.  "I'm talking about Rei Ijuin, the cafe's
sponsor, and...well, it's better that you not know."
     "Hey, Pocky!"  Yuko interjected.  "You any good at Dance Dance
Revolution?"
     "Um...do I want to know *where* you pulled that machine out of?"  he
asked nervously.  "Gotta go, Detective.  I'll talk to you later...if I'm not
exhausted."  He hung up.
     Returning the phone to its cradle, I leaned back in my seat.  I was so
very tempted just to curl up and fall asleep in it, but I knew my back
wouldn't like it the next day.

     After about 9 hours of tossing and turning, I decided that I wasn't going
to get much sleep and decided to haul myself to work.  I got in nice and
early, too, before Nene and Ryo showed up.
     I sighed at the absurdity of my job.  I like the kid, but I'll be darned
if I can figure her out while she's acting cutesy.
     A faint purr drew my attention, and I looked down to see Meg, Nene's
kitten.  The critter was rubbing herself against my legs.  How the little kid
managed to work her way into the office, I wasn't sure, but she was a welcome
sight.
     "Nice to see you, too."  I commented, kneeling down.  Meg obligingly
leapt into my arms.  "She treating you okay?"
     "Well, the food's nice, and she's friendly."  Meg replied.
     I blinked.  "You talked."
     Meg slapped a paw to her mouth.  Shaking her head, she meowed in a rather
human-like way.
     I didn't quite glare at her.  "You're not fooling me, kiddo.  I've
*worked* with talking cats before."
     "Meow?"  she asked, not very convincingly.  I could see a sweatdrop
rolling down her head.
     "*How* long have you been talking?"  I asked her, picking her up and
supporting her belly.  If anybody else had been trying to interrogate a
kitten, I would've thought they were nuts.  Besides, I wasn't breaking out any
of the rough stuff; I just wanted answers.
     She didn't say anything.  Instead, she blinked innocently and proceeded
to give the Dreaded Sparkly Eyes.
     This was *not* a good time to forget my sunglasses.  Ordinarily, I
would've just felt a twinge.  The way Meg was pouring on the cuteness, I felt
like I'd just had the wind knocked out of me.  My stomach gurgled in protest
as ungodly amounts of what Pocky called K-Factors radiated from one little
kitten.
     I wobbled a bit as I backpedaled, putting Meg on Nene's desk.  I must've
tripped over an uneven bit of carpeting, because the next thing I knew, I
heard a CRACK as I hit my head on my desk.
     .....

     Ow...my head feels like someone's pounding on it with a sledgehammer.
It's kinda humiliating, really.  I mean, people keep billing me as a top-notch
detective, and I slip up like Mihoshi.
     Hrm...the air smells like antiseptic.  There're some people wandering
about, and guys whom I assume are doctors are talking about the latest
outbreak.
     I hate hospitals.
     I cracked my eyes open a bit.  Bad idea.  Light streamed in, spearing
through my eye sockets.  I squinted, and the throbbing stopped.
     "You feeling all right, Detective?"  a voice asked.  It was definitely a
female voice, and very familiar.  Where have I heard her before?
     "Just peachy."  I grated.  "Could you tell the guy who planted the nuke
in my head to lay off?"
     "That bad, hm?  Well, you *do* have a nasty bump on your head."
     "Really?"  I asked, somewhat dryly.
     "Let me get something for that, all right?  I'll be right back."  she
sang, and I heard footsteps clicking away.  On her way, she clicked off the
lights.
     I dunno how I got into the hospital, but I'm not arguing.  I guess some
folks down at the station had me rushed here.  At least they didn't put me
into one of those paper-thin gowns.
     The click of footsteps brought me back to the present.  They sounded like
heels...probably regulation for nurses.  I'm guessing that whoever she is, she
wears about a size...six?  Five?  I'm rusty at this.
     "Here you go, Detective.  Now, hold onto this."
     My eyes snapped open as a hot towel nearly seared my scalp.  "GYAH!"  I
screamed, nearly jumping out of the cot I was on.
     "What's wrong?"  she asked.  In the shadows, I could make out long hair
and a nicely curvy body...although she seems too young to be a nurse.  I could
also tell that she was an Animate.
     "Don't you usually use *cold* compresses?"
     "Cold?  All right, I'll get some ice.  You just sit back and relax."  she
said, heading towards the door.
     I did just that.  My headache was going away enough so that I could see
without too much pain.
     The nurse came back, and I felt something being pressed onto the bump on
my head.  It was something cold, and...wet?
     "I couldn't find any ice bags, so I just brought over some ice.  Hold
still."
     Now I remembered that voice.  If I was right, I was bigger trouble than I
thought.
     "Could you get the lights, please?"  I asked.
     "Sure thing."  she said cheerfully, and got up.
     The lights came on, and I was presented with a sight scary enough to turn
most criminals straight:  Minako Aino, AKA Sailor Venus, in a nurse's outfit.
     I did my best not to run screaming.
     "Better?"  she asked.
     "Uh, yeah, sure."  I said hurriedly.  "*Why* are you in a hospital
dressed like that?"
     "Ever since the series ended, there hasn't been much work for me and the
other girls."  Minako said.  "Let's see...Usagi's stil got Mamoru, Ami's
practically studying herself into isolation, Rei and Makoto have been griping
about how they never get any good boyfriends--well, actually, Mako-chan's been
talking about this tall guy named Marty, so I guess things are okay with her
for now--and I've been doing volunteer work.  In a few years, I might even be
a real nurse."
     On that day, the medical community will scream in horror, I thought to
myself.  Time to beat a hasty retreat.
     "Uh, yeah.  Glad to hear it, Minako.  Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better,
and I think I'll just let you go--"
     "Hold it right there, mister."  she warned.  "You've still got a nasty
bump on your head, and I'm not letting you out until that's taken care of."
     "I'm fine, really,"  I insisted.  "Don't worry about me."
     Minako got in close, so close that our noses were practically touching.
She looked about as intimidating as I'd never thought she could be.  Her blue
eyes were narrowed into slits, and one eyebrow was twitching.
     "Do you know how many times I've heard patients with head injuries just
dropping dead on the street?  I am *not* letting you out of my sight!  Now,
let's get you comfy and out of that stuffy trenchcoat--"
     I glared back at her.  I'm not a guy who's intimidated easily.  If I
were, I never would've taken this job in the first place.  Still, it wasn't
easy to defy Minako, not when she was on a tear.
     "The trenchcoat.  Stays.  On."  I told her.
     "Fine, you can wear it over a hospital gown."  she said reasonably,
obviously unaffected by The Edge in my voice.
     "No gowns."
     Minako sighed.  "You're going to be difficult, aren't you?"
     "No, I'm going to be easy.  Do you know why?"  I asked, but didn't wait
for an answer.  "I'm going to be easy because I am going to walk out that
door, and I won't keel over dead, and you'll have one less thing to worry
about.  Do you understand me?"
     She didn't say anything at first.  Her lip started quivering, and her
eyes started to fill with tears.
     "B-b-but...if I don't take care of you, I'll start feeling depressed
again."  she said.
     That caught my attention.  "Depressed?"  I repeated.
     "Why do you think I've been doing volunteer work?  It's the only thing
that's been cheering me up lately."
     "Well, the last time I heard of you doing volunteer work, it was to see
your heart crystal."  I pointed out.
     "It worked, didn't it?"  she asked, sounding indignant.
     "Yeah..."  I admitted, "and if I recall correctly, you giggled like a
manaic, dashed off, and nearly died."
     "Uh..."  A huge sweatdrop rolled down the side of her head.  "Well, my
motives are pure this time!  I, Minako Aino, will fight off the demons of
depression by selflessly caring for you!"
     Criminately, Minako's infected.  I didn't think I was going to be able to
reason with her.
     Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ryo approaching.  He winked, and made
the classic "shh" gesture.  While Minako was ranting over my being a bulwark
against depression, Ryo snuck up behind her.  With one deft movement, he
flipped up the back of Minako's skirt.
     "EEEK!  PERVERT!"  was her natural response, shortly before she whirled
around and clocked him one.
     While her back was turned, Nene seemed to appear out of nowhere and
helped me up.  I sort of lurched towards the door while Minako was distracted.
     "Here,"  Nene said, putting my sunglasses on.
     Ah, much better.  At least the world wasn't spinning as much.
     "Thanks, kid,"  I mumbled.  "How'd you...?"
     "Meg called an ambulance for you.  That's how you got driven to the
hospital."
     Even though she couldn't see it, I blinked.  "Good thing we don't have
those old rotary phones."
     "I gave her a good talking to.  She *knows* she's not supposed to act
cute around you."  Nene frowned.
     "Doesn't the fact that she can talk at all strike you as kinda weird?"  I
asked.
     "You know, I never really thought about it."
     I sighed, then winced as my headache made a faint, but noticeable
comeback.  "I hope I don't keel over from a concussion or anything,"  I
muttered.
     "You'll be fine,"  Nene reassured me as we reached my car.  "The doctor's
report didn't find any concussion or serious injury.  You'll just have a
headache for an hour or so."
     I was intrigued.  "How do you know all this?"
     "I hacked into the hospital records."
     I stopped short.  "You *what*?!"
     "It was the only way I could find you!"  she protested, then opened the
door.  I reached for the wheel, but she stopped me.  "Uh uh...*I'm* driving."
     I exhaled noisily, but I saw her point.  How many guys fresh out of the
hospital from a head injury would *you* trust behind the wheel?  Plopping
myself into the passenger's seat, I buckled up.  Nene did the same in the
driver's seat (now hopelessly out of adjustment), and started her up.  One
quick tour through a parking garage later, and we were off.
     First things first, I thought to myself.  Popping open the glove
compartment, I took two of the painkillers du jour and washed it down with
some Mylanta.  I leaned back in my seat, intent on getting some shuteye.
     "Thanks for getting me outta there, Nene."  I mumbled, then tipped my hat
over my eyes.
     "You're welcome," she said in the most earnest voice I'd heard from her
since this whole mess started.
     I was on the verge of dozing off when the radio crackled to life.  To say
that I wasn't happy was a huge understatement.
     "All units, we've got a 451 in Ecchiville."  the dispatcher announced.
     A 451?  What place in Ecchiville would be worth an attempted arson?  Then
again, the place had been mostly cleaned up by whatever was going around.
     "Witnesses report that Sailor Mars is in the vicinity of the Pink
Pineapple."  the dispatcher continued.
     I uncovered my eyes.  Ah, no...not Rei...
     "We're the closest one around,"  Nene said.  "Do we answer that?"
     "Do we *really* have a choice?"

     It wasn't really hard to find Rei.  How many disgruntled-looking
teenagers in Sailor Fuku do you find burning their initials into the concrete?
I stepped out of the car and slowly approached her.
     "Hi, Rei.  How's it--"
     "DON'T ASK!"  she shrieked, then tromped past me.
     Whoa.  What's with her?
     A few seconds later, she turned around and walked back towards me.  She
looked a lot less ticked off.
     "I'm...sorry, Detective.  I just...just...BWWAAAAHHHH!"  Without any
warning, she buried her face into my trenchcoat and turned on the waterworks.
     I knew I was in trouble when I saw Nene's expression.  She frowned and
got red-faced, which was never a good sign.
     "Um...Rei?  D'you mind--are you listening to me?"
     She sniffed.  "Uh huh."  she replied, still buried in my trenchcoat.
     "Would you mind not--I mean--"  I sighed, digging out a handkerchief.  I
caught a whiff of something nasty--at least, nasty for a 16 year-old girl.
"You're drunk, aren't you?"
     "Am not,"  she insisted, taking the handkerchief.  "I only had a few tiny
cups of sake."
     "They actually *served* you?"
     She blinked as she peeled herself off my trenchcoat, and I saw a teensy
bit of annoyance in those violet eyes.  "It's Ecchiville.  Duh."
     "And *how* many of those tiny cups of sake did you have?"
     "Fifteen or sixteen...I think.  Kinda lost track after that."
     "So, how many fingers am I holding up?"  I asked her, holding up my
middle and index fingers.
     She squinted.  "I'll letcha know...soon as the world stops moving."  With
that, the sake caught up to her and she just leaned against me, unconscious.
     Yup, Rei was about five sheets to the wind.  I couldn't exactly leave her
there, and I didn't want to throw her in the drunk tank.  She wasn't a bad
girl, but she wasn't leaving me with a lot of options.
     Nene was positively glaring at me when I buckled Rei into the back seat.
I knew something was up when the kid refused to start up the car.
     "Do we have to play taxi for her?"  she asked.
     By this point, I'd had a pretty full day, and it wasn't even noon.  I
wasn't in the mood for any more emotional rides.
     "Funny, you didn't mind when *I* took you home after you indulged a
little,"  I reminded her.
     "Well, that's...that's different."  Nene didn't quite squirm.  Come to
think of it, I always softballed my questions around her.  I think that the
time was right to show that I wasn't always a squishy, cuddly teddy bear.
     "Look, kiddo...she's alone, drunk, and obviously hurting.  Now, call me
crazy, but I think that just ditching her here would just make things worse.
Seeing as how I don't want to toss her in jail for disorderly conduct, I think
that maybe driving her home to sleep it off is the best option.  Do you have
another suggestion?"  I asked her.
     She looked at the dashboard.  "No,"  she replied in a very small voice.
     "Do you know where her home is?"
     "Uh huh."
     I leaned my seat back a bit and covered my eyes with my hat.  "I'm going
to try to sleep off the rest of this headache."
     I'd started to get really relaxed when Nene called my name.
     "Hm?"  I grunted.
     "Do you...nevermind."
     I let out a deep sigh.  "Nene, if you want to ask me something, go ahead.
I'm not gonna chew your head off or laugh at you or anything.  Okay?"
     I couldn't see her nod, but I knew she did.
     "Do you...like me?"
     Where the hell'd *that* come from?  And why the hell did she sound so
insecure?
     "Yeah, I like you."  I told her.  "It's just..."
     "Just what?"
     I opened my eyes and straightened up my seat a bit.  "It's a little hard
to do my job when my otherwise cute administrative assistant keeps
intimidating girls who make googly eyes at me.  It's not like I'm going to
just go chasing after the first skirt I see.  Who do you think I am, Ryo?"
     "It's not that!"  she insisted, braking a little harder than necessary.
     "Then what is it?  From my end, I'm seeing somebody who's having a few
trust issues."
     "I trust you."  she said quietly.
     "I know you do,"  I replied.  "I'd appreciate it, though, if you could
cool it with the whole red aura thing."
     She sank a little in her seat.  "Okay...I'll try."
     "Good."

     Thankfully, dropping off a very blitzed Sailor Mars wasn't as hard as I
thought it was.  With the ensuing chaos from the new magical girls popping up,
hardly anybody noticed one more car at her place.  After we dropped her off,
though, Nene seemed to think it was time for yet another romantic walk in a
magical girl-infested city.
     Have you ever tried to conduct an investigation while a cute girl is
clinging onto your arm?  Of course not.
     "Um, kid, do you mind--"
     "Hmmm?"  Blinkblink.
     "Would you mind not holding on so tight?  I can't feel my arm."
     "Oh.  Sorry."  Ah, circulation.  You never appreciate your arm until it
goes numb on you.
     "Besides, aren't you supposed to be taking notes?"  I pointed out.
     "We haven't run into anyone yet."  she reminded me.  "So...what movie
should we see on our date, hm?"
     Yeesh.  She was bubblier than a case of champagne.
     "Can we work this out a little later?  I'm trying to find someone who
hasn't been affected, and why.  It'd help the hospitals out, anyway."  I told
her as we passed near a cafe.
     Pout.  "Oh, all right.  Can we stop in here for a bit, though?  I'm a
little hungry.  Besides, it's almost lunchtime."
     Hm.  No harm in just taking a break...I hope.  "Sure, kid.  Just don't--"
     ZIP!  Nene dashed into the cafe and started ordering like mad.
     "--bankrupt me."  I finished lamely.

     By the time I followed her, she'd ordered three extra-large parfaits with
extra whipped cream.  While she waited for her food, I noticed the sounds of
someone consuming the gross national product of Guam.  I turned around to find
none other than the poster girl for bottomless stomachs, Usagi.  Mamoru was
leaning his face on his palm, probably calculating how many years he'd have to
work to pay the bill.
     "How do you manage your money with her around, Mamoru?"  I asked.  "I
mean, I think I've seen a week's salary go into Usagi's stomach just like
*that*."  I snapped for emphasis.  "You got any hints?"
     Mamoru just stared into space.
     "Mamoru?"  I waved my hands in front of his face.  Nada.
     And people wonder exactly *why* Mamoru was voted the "easiest hypnosis
subject" in the city.
     Hmm...I could have some fun with this.
     "You will stock up on ice cream and chocolate syrup for whenever Usagi
gets her cravings."  I muttered in his ear.
     "I will stock up on ice cream and chocolate syrup for whenever Usako gets
her cravings."  he repeated.
     "You will consider how stupid something is before you say it in front of
monsters."
     "I will consider how stupid something is before I say it in front of
monsters."
     "You will tell me where you get those cheesy one-liners."
     "I will tell you where I get those cheesy one-liners."
     I'm sorry, I just *can't* pass up an opportunity like this.  Just one
last thing...the ultimate test, if you will.
     "You will not act like such a bonehead all the time."  I murmured.
     "I will not...will not...ARRGH!"  Mamoru clutched his head in pain, then
shook it off.  I guess I overreached his capabilities.
     "Mamo-chan!  Are you all right?"  Usagi asked, her face smeared with ice
cream.
     "I--I'm all right, Usako.  I guess my mind just wandered off for a bit.
For some odd reason, though, I have this strange urge to stock up on ice cream
and chocolate syrup."
     "Eh?"  Usagi got this silly grin on her face.  "Any special reason why?"
     Mamoru blinked as he considered the ramifications of that sentence.
"Um...for whenever you feel like having some, of course.  What *other* reason
did you have in mind?"
     "Well..."  Usagi snuggled up closer to him and whispered something in his
ear.  His eyes widened, and his jaw dropped.  I could only wonder what she was
saying.  "What do you think?"  she asked, almost impishly.
     He sighed.  "Usako, I think that the world's largest sundae has *already*
been put in the record books."
     "Oh,"  she replied in a small voice.  "Well, it was a thought."  With
that, she resumed decimating her dessert.
     "So, where *do* you get those `unique' one-liners?"
     "Promise not to tell?"
     "I'm the soul of discretion, Mamoru."  My discretion, that is.
     Mamoru produced a fortune cookie from his jacket pocket and cracked it
open.  He handed the fortune to me.
     "`Now, Sailor Moon.'"  I read aloud.  "What kinda memory do you have,
anyway?"
     "A horrible one.  I've got to be careful using these, though...one time,
I told Usako her lucky numbers.  Needless to say, we had to reshoot the
scene."
     "Imagine that."  I deadpanned.  "She doesn't seem too affected by the bug
that's going around."  I said, indicating Usagi.
     "Actually, she has,"  he corrected me.  "If anything, Usako's been eating
*more* sugar than before.  This is our third `rest stop' in as many hours
today."
     Now *this* was interesting.  "Were you both at the parade a day or two
back?"
     "We couldn't exactly get away from it; traffic was horrible.  We smelled
some weird stuff, too.  Usako said it smelled like cherry blossoms.  I thought
it was just cheap perfume, but I didn't want to argue."
     "How about that,"  I commented, almost to myself.  "Was she depressed
anytime after that?"
     Mamoru shook his head.  "No, just...hungrier, especially for desserts."
He glanced back at the love of his life, her face smeared with ice cream,
whipped cream, hot fudge, and God knows what *other* sugar-loaded stuff.  He
managed a weak smile as he waved to her, then buried his face in his hands.
"I love her, but this is *killing* my wallet."
     I rubbed my chin, deep in thought.  Was there a connection between sugar
levels and the bug that was going around?

     "You know, kiddo,"  I said to Nene in the car, "you've been eating a lot
of sugar lately."
     "You think so?"  Nene asked before reaching for a candy bar in her
jacket.  "I haven't noticed.  I haven't gained any weight, anyway."
     Hmm...I think I'd better check in with Pocky and see if he's made any
progress.  This whole sugar thing could be important.

     I couldn't help but snicker a little as we met up with Ryo at the office.
Magical Mallet Girl Kaori-Chan was practically cooing over his new tuxedo.
While I'll admit that it seemed to fit well, I didn't see anything really
special about it.
     "Not.  One.  Word."  he warned me.
     "Mm hm."  I replied, then sat down to call up Pocky.
     Odd.  Nobody's answering.  They shouldn't be closed this early in the
afternoon.  It's almost 2:00, so unless they're having a late lunch...
     "What's wrong, Andy?"  Nene asked.
     "Probabaly nothing," I said, rubbing my chin.  Inside, though, something
was practically screaming at me to check out the situation.  "I'm gonna check
out what's going on at ICKI."
     "You just got back to the office!"  Nene protested.  "Couldn't you just
call them up?"
     "Couldn't reach 'em, and I've got a feeling that something's wrong.
Besides, I can't be chauffeured around all day, right?"  I joked.
     Ryo practically leaped out of his desk.  "You'll need backup, just in
case."
     I waved him off.  I knew that he just wanted to get away from Kaori.
     "If I need help, I'll call on the radio.  Besides, it's probably just
trouble with the phone line."
     "But--"  Nene began.
     I patted her on the shoulder.  "I can handle it, kiddo.  I don't have
both feet in the hole just yet."  She flushed beet red.
     "Why is it that guys are so cool when they're reckless?"  I heard her
mutter as I left.

     Normally, the trip to ICKI would have taken about fifteen or so minutes,
taking into account the capricious whims of city traffic.  It took a half hour
before I got within sight of the building.
     I heard the reason for the holdup.  Apparently, there were some kind of
vaguely humanoid creatures scuttling around, as well as a bunch of (ugh)
Puchuus and of course, a few of 'em decided to play in traffic.  Nobody got
hurt, but there were a lot of cars backed up.
     My gut rumbled when I finally got there, as if to say "I told you so."  I
quieted it down with a gulp of Mylanta.  
     Criminately, the place is a mess.  Computers were strewn all over the
place, charts were shredded to little more than confetti, and everywhere I
looked, there were huge claw marks.
     A low groan attracted my attention.  Tracking the source, I found a pair
of sneakers protruding from a rather large pile of books.  I dug whoever it
was out of the pile of mostly softcover artbooks, but there were some research
digests here and there.
     Pocky rose out of the mess, his glasses slightly crooked, but otherwise
unharmed.  He groaned again.
     "You okay?"  I asked.
     "Pocky..."  he rasped.
     "Well, yeah...that's your nickname."  I agreed.
     He glared at me.  "No, I meant that I could use some Pocky.  There's a
couple of packs in the drawer there."
     "...right."  I dug around, and found some packages of the stuff.  I
handed one to him, and he immediately tore it open, crunching the sticks like
there was no tomorrow.  Two packs later, he sat back and sighed.
     "Thanks,"  he said.  "I missed lunch."
     "What happened?"  I asked.  "The place looks like it's been torn apart."
     Pocky stretched and stood up.  "I was about to head out for lunch when
these...*things*...burst through the door.  Well, a bunch of rejects from
Alien and a whole horde of Puchuus.  I think someone doesn't want me to
find a cure."
     "So, how'd you get buried in artbooks?"
     "Believe it or not, sheer luck.  The bookcase was on the other side of
the room, and a creature threw it at me.  I guess I must've hit my head or
something."
     "Do you have *any* info left?"  I asked.
     He managed a grin as he dug out a laptop out of the mess.  "I was
planning on working out the problem at lunch, so I downloaded the important
stuff here."
     Finally, somebody decided to give me a break.  I called for backup, and
within a few minutes a crew was on the scene to gather evidence.  Ryo wasn't
happy to have missed out on the action, but he didn't complain much when I
asked him to supervise the Forensics boys.  In the meantime, Pocky was typing
away at his computer.
     "I found some interesting things on the virus."  he said, munching away
at another stick of strawberry Pocky.  "For one thing, it's artificial."
     "Are you telling me that some quack cooked this thing up *on purpose*?"
     "Looks like it.  It's quite a piece of work, too."
     "Okay, now who's crazy and smart enough to make something like this?"
I asked him.
     "Well, there's Washuu,"  Pocky suggested.  "She's a supergenius *and*
she's crazier than--"
     He didn't finish the sentence before a door materialized next to us.  It
opened, and the spiky redheaded scientist in question popped her head out.
"I'm sorry, *who's* crazy?"  she asked, with a grin that was both maniacal and
malicious.  It was a grin that promised several worlds of pain and
experimentation if Pocky didn't say the right thing.
     "Uh, nothing, nothing..."  he said nervously.
     "Good.  So, to answer your question, no, I didn't create this virus.  For
one thing, it's too simple.  For another thing,"  she shuddered briefly.  "Do
I *look* like I want Sasami-chan in Pretty Sammy mode *all* the time?"
     "She seems nice enough,"  I commented.
     "Yes, but Pretty Sammy doesn't *cook*."  she pointed out.  "We've been
living off takeout since this thing started."
     "I don't suppose you have an idea for a cure?"  I asked.
     Washuu's face fell.  "Uh...of *course* I do!"  she declared.  "I'm the
greatest genius in the universe, after all!"
     "And the cure is...?"  Pocky asked.
     "It's..."  Washuu hesitated.  "It's...it's in my lab, yes.  It's in my
lab, and I think I'll be going there right now to...to replicate it, yes.
Before you know it, this epidemic will be a page in history."  With that, she
stepped back through the dimensional door and slammed it shut.
     "She didn't have a clue, did she?"  I muttered.
     "She *did* sound kinda stumped--"  Pocky admitted.
     The door opened right then, and Washuu loomed over Pocky.  "I AM NOT
STUMPED!!!"  she said, just before she slammed the door behind her.
     We both stared at the space where the door was.
     "Moving right along, what other geniuses can you think of?"  I prompted
him.
     "Well, there's Yuina Himoo from Tokimeki Memorial.  She'd be smart
enough--but, she's more interested in using giant robots."
     I blinked.  "You're kidding."
     He shook his head.  "Nope.  Her pet project for world conquest was a
giant robot.  She wouldn't try for a virus, especially one that she could be
infected with."
     "Any other suspects?"
     "You'll have to rule out Li Kohran from Sakura Wars.  Most of her stuff
tends to blow up, you know.  'Course, I could always check on her lab."  he
smiled.
     "Didn't you just see her a couple of days ago?"  I asked.
     Pocky raised his eyebrows a few times, much like Groucho Marx.  "I
wouldn't mind having an excuse to talk to her."
     "Uh *huh*.  Well, like you said, I don't think we'll have much reason to
pay her a visit; no motive, and not her method."
     "Dang.  I also found out something else about this bug:  It's airborne."
     "What, so somebody's been spraying it around?"  I wondered if there had
been any low-flying blimps or airplanes.
     "Yeah, but I can't figure out how it spread so fast.  There also doesn't
seem to be any pattern.  The outbreaks look totally random.  I mean, hardly
anybody at the Rainbow Cafe seemed affected until recently, although most of
Kawaiiville was."
     I rubbed my jaw, deep in thought.  What was the last thing that Nene did
just before she started acting cutesy?
     The parade.  She was smelling some weird stuff at the parade.  Come to
think of it, everything started to go downhill after that.
     "It's gotta be the balloons,"  I said.  "Whoever it was probably filled
'em up with the bug and let it pass through."
     "It makes sense,"  Pocky agreed.  "Although it sounds like they ripped
off the first Batman movie.  I'll have to double check wind conditions--"
     I held up my hands to forestall anything I didn't need to hear.
"Whatever it takes, okay?"
     It took a few minutes, but I knew that something was up when I saw the
guy grin.
     "Got it,"  Pocky said triumphantly.  "Looks like the virus is dormant at
room temperature until it's activated by heat.  The girls sniff it in because
it smells nice, and BANG!  They're infected.  This bug only lasts a couple of
hours, but it replicates *fast*.  For a day or so, it's highly contagious, but
not after that."
     "Any ideas for a cure?"  I asked.
     He shook his head.  "Not a one.  I think sugar levels have got something
to do with it, but I'm fumbling a bit here.  I'll need a bit more time."
     "Keep at it.  I'll assign some guys to help you clean up, and get
whatever you need to get rid of this bug."

     "This is Trenchcoat One,"  I said into the radio.  "I want all the
footage we've got on that parade a few days back.  Have Frank in Forensics
work his magic on any shots of Waterson.  I've got a feeling that there's more
to him than I thought."
     It didn't take long for Frank to find what he was looking for.  He
pointed out a freeze-frame of the parade, an aerial shot done by one of the
police helicopters.
     "Right here,"  he pointed out a faint line running down the back of
Waterson's neck, along the spine.  "It's the seam to a real-suit."
     I nodded.  I'd heard of real-suits before from my uncle Eddie.  He wasn't
really my uncle by blood, but he and Aunt Delores loved playing around with us
kids when we were younger.  One of his last cases involved a nut toon in a
real-suit, and it almost killed him.
     Nowadays, real-suits were made for Animates who wanted to keep a low
profile.  The only catch was that the suit had to be sized to match the
Animate inside.  If Kenshiro wanted to masquerade as Johnny Beanpole, he was
out of luck.
     "More than likely,"  Frank agreed.  "Now, the question is...who the
hell's the Animate in the suit?"
     The gears in my head were turning.  The Animate had to be skinny, *real*
skinny, and he had to be brilliantly nuts.
     "Do we have any voice recordings of Waterson?"  I asked Frank.
     "A couple, but they're only a few seconds long.  I got 'em from your
friend Trish at the news station."
     "Open up the file on Animate mad scientists and see if you can't get a
match."
     "That's going to take a few hours,"  Frank warned me.
     "Would *you* like to be around Little Sunshine Nene for more than an
hour?"  I asked him.
     He winced.  "I'll see if I can't expedite the process."
     "Thanks," I said, heading back to my office.
     After what was arguably one of the most mind-numbing hours of my life,
the phone rang.  I picked it up on the first ring.
     "Mays, Anime Detective."
     "It's Frank.  We've got a match."
     "On my way."

     One thing I liked about Frank in Forensics was that he didn't waste time.
True, it made him a little short with people, but nobody could say that he
didn't do his job well.  With that in mind, I wasn't surprised when he just
handed me a photo along with a file as soon as I arrived at his office.
     "Professor Wattsman."  he said curtly.
     "Dirty Pair, Project Eden,"  I replied, almost automatically.  "Why would
he do all this?"
     Frank shrugged.  "Beats me.  I just mess with pictures and numbers.
You'll have to do the rest."
     "Anything else?"  I asked him.
     He nodded.  "I found something interesting with the parade floats.  Take
a look here."
     He zoomed into a section of the floats to something that made me wince.
It was a sickeningly cute yellow creature with a futon beater, working the
ropes of one of the balloons.
     Puchuus.  Why did it have to be Puchuus?

     Despite the ominous feeling in my gut, things were actually looking up as
I returned to my office.  I had method and opportunity.  All I had to do was
find the guy so that I could get his motive...twisted as it was.
     "Kiddo, how would you like to help me and Ryo arrest a bad guy?"  I asked
Nene.
     She grinned, and bounced in place.  "Wow!  Can we?"
     "Well, the catch is that we first have to *find* him.  Now, we're looking
for Professor Wattsman from that Dirty Pair OAV.  Think you can find him?"
     "Leave it to me!"  she chirped, and hopped into her chair.  For a few
minutes, her fingers flew over the keyboard.  She only paused to wolf down
three or so candy bars.
     Ryo did not looked pleased.  It could've been because he was decked out
in a "cool" tuxedo with his mentally-regressed partner glomping him at every
opportunity.
     I almost felt sorry for him.  *Almost*.
     "Got it!"  Nene announced, then made a face.  "Ew, he lives in a dingy
part of Mechatown."
     "Then that's where we're going.  First, though, I've gotta make a couple
of calls.  Then, we're gonna pay a visit to this nutcase."

     I parked the car to the side and checked out the building with some
binoculars.  Immediately, I winced.
     "What's wrong?"  Nene asked.
     "We've found Wattsman's lab, all right."  I told her.
     "What makes you say that?"  That was Ryo, nervously eyeing Kaori.
     "The place is surrounded by Puchuus.  They're little yellow critters with
futon beaters.  They're also *way* too cute for any normal person to take."
     "You've gotta be kidding me,"  Ryo grumbled, taking the binoculars out of
my hands.  "Yeee...just looking at those guys makes my stomach turn."
     "Let me see!"  Nene demanded, and Ryo relinquished the binoculars.
"Awww...they're sooo--"
     "Don't say it, kid."  I interrupted her.  "We all *know* they're cute.
The question is, what the hell are they doing guarding that building in this
neighborhood?  I half expected them to be in Kawaiiville, not Mechatown."
     "Say, Kaori,"  Nene began.  "Doesn't this kind of feel like a double
date?"
     Almost immediately, the color drained from Ryo's face.  I wasn't much
better off.
     "This is *not* a date."  I told her.  "And it sure as hell isn't one of
*Ryo's* dates."
     At that comment, Kaori just blushed, turned away, and giggled in the most
insipid manner I'd ever heard.  From the look on Ryo's face, I'd guessed that
"dating" Kaori in that way was the last thing on his mind.  He sighed and
closed his eyes.  I thought I heard him mumbling something.
     "Saeko in lingerie...Reiko in a thong bikini...last call in
Ecchiville..."  he muttered.
     "*What* are you doing?"  I asked.
     He opened his eyes.  "I've been having a little trouble keeping
my...morale up.  This is the only way I can keep from going nuts."
     "Well, good for you.  I don't suppose you have any idea how to get past
those Puchuus?"
     "We'll take care of them!"  Nene declared.
     "That's right!"  Kaori chimed in.  "For love and truth and...everything
else, we'll punish them!"  With that, they transformed--again, letting us see
more of them than either of us really wanted to.
     Ryo looked visibly ill.  "Why don't I just call in a friend of--hey,
where're you two going?!"  The two girls had just unbuckled their seat belts
and opened the car doors.
     "To triumph over evil, silly!"  Kaori replied.
     "Great.  What else could--Ryo, put the damn sniper rifle down!"
     "Oh, come on!"  he protested.  "Don't *you* want to pick off a couple of
those things?  Besides, haven't you ever seen a Puchuu when it gets hit?"
     "Can't say I have," I admitted.
     "Watch.  Oh, and relax...they're only hard rubber bullets.  I won't
*need* to kill 'em."
     Ryo lined up a shot, then fired.  The bullet bounced off one of the
Puchuus, and it collapsed.  When it got back up, its insipidly cute face had
turned into something remarkably ugly.  The critter reminded me of Duke Togo
from Golgo 13.
     We may get through this yet.
     "I don't think the girls will need much motivation to pound them."  I
observed.
     Ryo grinned.  "I don't think so, either."  With that, he started sniping
the rest of the Puchuu guards.  As soon as they got up looking ugly, Kaori and
Nene pounded them flat on sheer reflex.
     "Eww...I've got purple gunk on my mallet."  Kaori said disgustedly.
     "Well, the Puchuus aren't going anywhere.  Why not pound 'em a few more
times to clean it off?"  I joked.
     WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM!
     "I was *kidding*."
     She blinked.  "Oh."
     I dug out my walkie talkie from my trenchcoat.  "All units, this is
Trenchcoat One.  Area secured, feel free to dig in and smack any Puchuu you
see.  If I need you, I'll call."  Returning my walkie talkie to the pocket
that led to Who Knows Where, Ryo and I took point and opened the warehouse
door.  Kaori and Nene were close behind, readying themselves for just about
anything.
     That was about the time for some joker to shine a spotlight on us.  Even
though I was wearing the sunglasses, I was hard pressed not to wince.  Nene
didn't seem affected, while Ryo and Kaori were squinting.
     "It's about time that *somebody* figured out my genius and showed up."
a voice declared, and then another spotlight shone down on a scrawny old man:
Professor Wattsman.  He took a look at me and chuckled.  "Nice eyewear,
Detective.  Where'd you get those?"
     "They're prescription lenses,"  I quipped.  "Where's your flunky--oh,
there he is."
     On cue, Wattsman's butler stepped out of the shadows.  He was aiming a
nasty-looking gun at us, and the sneer on his face told me that he wouldn't
hesitate to use it.  I couldn't see him, but I knew that Ryo was aching to
show Bruno what he could do.
     "I see that you've encountered some of my work,"  Wattsman commented,
nodding to Kaori and Nene.  "Magnificent, aren't they?"
     "All right, Wattsman...how'd you pull it off?"  I asked.
     "Very simple, `Detective,'"  he mocked me.  "The balloons were filled
with a virus of my own creation.  Every Animate girl exposed to the virus
between the ages of 11 and 21 have become champions of whatever virtue they
choose."
     "Actually, I'd already guessed that part."  I told him.  Wattsman
deflated a bit.
     "Oh.  Did I mention how I ingeniously disguised myself to not look like
an Animate?"
     "Oh, you mean when you wore a plastic `real-suit' and called yourself
`Waterson?'  I've run across that kind of thing before.  A friend of the
family told me about those."
     Now Wattsman was beginning to look frustrated.  "Would you stop ruining
my revelations?!"
     I shrugged.  "Hey, I can't help it if you don't have a decent denoument."
     "Oh, you want a `denoument,' huh?  Well, how's this:  You can't stop me!
Even now, all over the city, my virus has spread!  Soon, *every* Animate girl
will be a magical girl!  Crime will drop, and the violent people will be
subdued by their cute, shimmering eyes!  It'll be a perfect world!  BWA HA HA
HA HA HA HA!!!"
     Yup, he's nuts.  Not that I had any doubt before.
     "So, who paid you for this?"
     He grinned.  "The Puchuu queen and I have an...understanding.  If I
created the virus, she would fund me to my heart's content.  It's a win-win
scenario, Detective."
     "And what, pray tell, about the magical girls who practically need Prozac
because of your little bug?"  I asked him.
     He waved dismissively.  "There must always be sacrifices for the
greater--or, in this case, cuter good.  Bruno!  Take care of these
interlopers!"
     Bruno snorted, and lowered his gun.  Glaring at Ryo, the butler grabbed
something from within his jacket pocket.  He flicked a switch, and the thing
became some kinda energy sword.
     Does *everybody* have a cheap knock-off of a lightsaber, or is it just
me?
     "I don't need a gun to deal with *you*."  he told Ryo.
     Ryo had an expression on his face which said "you've *got* to be kidding
me."  He sighed, and whipped out his gun, just as Bruno charged us.
     B-BAM!  Ryo fired off two shots, neatly knocking the sword out of the
butler's hand.  He fired off three more shots, each one hitting the hilt and
knocking it back further.
     Bruno gaped.  Ryo then launched himself at the guy, catching him right in
the breadbasket with a good kick.
     Wattsman sighed.  Obviously, Bruno had disappointed him.  Then again,
from what I understood, good flunkies were hard to come by.  He shook his head
and regained some of that Mad Scientist Bravado (tm).
     "No matter!  The Puchuu Queen gave me *dozens* of her finest warriors,
ready to attack at my command!"  he ranted.
     "You honestly don't think I came in without backup, did you?"  I asked.
     "What can you *possibly* do to me?
     "Me?  Not a thing.  These ladies, however, want words with you.  They've
already taken care of the Puchuu army around the place.
     On cue, every disgruntled magical girl that had fallen victim to the
virus emerged from their hiding places.  As one, they charged the scrawny old
man, and the last thing I heard from Wattsman before he was engulfed in kicks
and punches was a bloodcurdling scream.  I had to duck as Bruno was thrown
just over my head, hitting the wall.  With a groan, he slumped down.
     "What an amateur,"  Ryo remarked, moments before he was glomped from
behind by Magical Mallet Girl Kaori-Chan.  He twitched.
     "Ryo, you were so COOL!"  she squealed.
     "Can't...breathe..."  he rasped.
     I couldn't help but smirk.  Then I remembered that I hadn't seen Nene
around.
     GLOMP!  "Andy!"
     "Glaaagh" was all I could say as I noticed that Nene's hardsuit enhanced
her strength *quite* a few notches.  Must...resist...cutesy glomp of death!
     She must've gotten the hint, and released me.
     Air good.  Air is very, very good.
     "Puchuu..."  a cloyingly sweet voice echoed in the warehouse.  I had the
feeling our work wasn't quite done.
     "Let me guess,"  Ryo began, "it's the queen b--"
     "Bad girl, yeah."  I interrupted him.
     Ryo eyed me oddly.  "We're all adults here, you know."
     I pointed to the disgruntled magical girls.  "*They* aren't."
     He snorted.  "Come on, they've heard worse on cable."
     The appearance of the Queen Puchuu forestalled any real conversation.  I
readied my mallet, expecting a hell of a fight.
     It was.  It was also hopelessly lopsided in our favor, as the Queen was
zapped, pounded, and otherwise tenderized by magical girls who'd had enough of
trudging around in a depressed daze.
     Can we say "Puchuu Queen throw-rug?"  I knew you could.

     "So, where're Wattsman and Bruno?"  Pocky asked me after we'd met with
him at ICKI.  The place was halfway in order after the trashing earlier.
     "They got a little banged up along the way--well, okay, they were pounded
on by disgruntled magical girls.  They're under guard at the hospital until
their day in court."
     "Anything else?"
     "Well..."  I grinned maliciously.  "For what those two have done, I
wanted nothing but the best for them.  Soo...someone *special* is keeping an
eye on them."
     "Anybody I know?"  he asked, curious.
     "Oh...someone friendly, who has a nice smile, and looks good in a nurse's
outfit."
     "Sounds like someone I'd like to meet,"  he commented, munching on a few
sticks of his trademark snack.
     "You probably already have.  It's Minako."
     Pocky's eyes bugged out as he started choking.  After a few pats on the
back, he could breathe.  "Nur--nur--NURSE MINAKO?!"  he gasped.
     "Yup."
     "*You* are *sadistic*.  Do you *know* what'll happen to those two with
Minako around?"
     I just kept grinning.  He lightened up a bit and smiled.
     "Jealous that you didn't think of it first?"  I asked.
     "Maybe."  he admitted.
     "Uh *huh*.  So, how're things going with the virus?  Anything new?"
     "Well, as far as I know,"  he began, "the only thing that can really make
a magical girl stop being that way is the end of their series. You know, when
everything gets all depressing, like at the end of the first Sailor Moon
series?"
     "What do we do, make them watch Grave of the Fireflies?"  I asked.
     "I think that'd turn them suicidal.  No, I guess what I'm trying to say
is that after a basic loss of innocence, they'll be back to normal, whatever
that is."
     "A basic loss of innocence, you said?  What more basic loss of innocence
can there be than...?"  Ryo asked, a grin forming on his face.  He started
drooling from one corner of his mouth.  "It might take me days, weeks, maybe
even months of arduous, sweaty work, but I'll guarantee you that whoever I
take care of (given that they've reached puberty) will be cured."
     KER-WHAM!  WHUMP!
     "Any other suggestions?"  I asked.
     "Gimme a sec...I'm still kind of ill over his idea."  Pocky shook off his
nausea and looked at his clipboard.  "Well, all we know about this virus is
that it affects the victims differently.  Existing magical girls just get
depressed and barely eat.  The `new' magical girls created by the virus
practically wolf down humongous amounts of sugar."
     "What happens if they stop?"
     "I dunno.  We haven't been able to pry all their candy away."
     ZIP!  "HiAndyareyoualmostfinishedsowecangohomeareyou?"  Nene clung to my
arm with a grip just short of a vise.
     "Uh, not yet, kid.  Just a little bit longer.  You hungry?"
     Blink blink.  "No, but I could really use a soda."
     "There's a pop machine over there."  Pocky pointed out.
     "Yeah, but all it has is that yucky diet stuff."  Nene pouted.  I almost
flinched.
     "Yucky..."  I began.
     "Diet..."  Kim continued.
     "Stuff...?"  Ryo finished, recovering.  Looks like he's gaining a
tolerance to my mallet.
     Nene cringed.  "I accidentally had some, and things didn't seem
as...nice.  But, I felt better after having a dozen glazed donuts.  Why do you
ask?"
     I glanced towards Ryo and Professor Kim.  "Guys, do you think maybe...?"
     "It's worth a shot."  Ryo agreed.
     "The thing is, we need a test subject."  Professor Kim pointed out.
     As one, we turned towards Nene.
     "Who...me?"  she asked in a small voice.

     "Okay, I think I've got everything hooked up."  Pocky announced.  Nene
had changed into some kind of leotard with electrodes plugged in.  She sat on
a stool, looking very nervous about having to chug a diet soda.
     "This isn't going to hurt, is it?"  she asked.
     "I don't think so,"  he replied, "but feel free to scream if it makes you
feel better,"  he joked.  That said, he started adjusting what was labeled the
"K-Factor Sensor," which looked like a speedometer, only with degrees of
cuteness.  Right now, Nene's reading was at "EGADS, SUGAR GLUT!  CALL 911!"
     "That wasn't reassuring,"  she muttered.
     "Okay, I'm activating my recorder,"  Pocky announced.  "Subject Nene
Romanova will now attempt to drink a significant portion of..."  he squinted a
bit at the label, then grimaced.
     "What?"  I asked.
     "It's Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi."  he said with no small amount of
disgust.
     I winced in sympathy.  "Do you *really* have to make her drink it?"
     "Do you have any other ideas?"  Pocky responded.
     "Not really,"  I admitted.
     "Oi, Nene-chan,"  Ryo called over the microphone, "drink it for me."
     Nene grimaced cutely.  Yes, you heard me...she *grimaced* in a cute
manner.
     "Nice way to motivate her,"  Pocky commented sarcastically.
     "C'mon, kid.  You can do it."  I reassured her.
     Nene looked at me, smiled tiredly, and took a tentative swig.
     "Bleagh,"  was her response at the stuff.  She looked like she was about
to toss the can out, cure or no.  "Do I have to drink more?"
     I glanced at Pocky, who was busy with his instruments.  "K-Factors are
definitely going down, but not by much.  Just to be safe, I think she'd better
drink the whole can."
     Nene looked nauseated.  "Do I have to?"  she repeated.
     "Please?"  I asked her quietly.
     She sighed, then nodded.  Raising the can to her lips, she proceeded to
chug the rest down.  She curled up and trembled.
     "K-Factors are going down,"  Pocky announced.  "They're leveling
off...okay, they're normal for her."
     I glanced at the console.  It was holding steady at "AWW...CUTE, BUT NOT
CUTESY."  At least it wasn't at the very bottom, which read "SOMEBODY GET THIS
KID INTO THERAPY."  Nene had relaxed a bit, and looked like she'd just run the
mile.
     There wasn't a single shimmering sparkle in her eye.
     All right, this was the test.  Slowly, I took off the sunglasses and
approached Nene.  I didn't even feel the slightest twinge of weakness.
     "How do you feel, kid?"  I asked gently.
     She frowned.  "I kind of *liked* being a magical girl.  Everything was a
lot...warmer.  Things were simpler, and, well...for lack of a better word,
*nicer*."
     I managed a smile.  "That's life, kiddo."
     "I guess,"  she sighed.  "I wonder if Meg will still talk to me?"
     "Somehow, I don't think so."
     "I liked having a talking cat.  She always listened to me."
     "Nene, you can always talk to me."
     She ducked her head shyly and blushed.  "Thanks,"  she muttered.
     "Well, now we know that diet soda counteracts the virus in the `new'
magical girls,"  Pocky said.  "Now all we have to do is find out what'll jolt
the old ones out of their depression."
     "Why not try Jolt?"  Ryo suggested.  "That stuff is loaded with sugar."
     Pocky and I gaped at him.
     "What?"  he snapped.  "C'mon, it makes sense.  If Nene-chan had to get
rid of her excess sugar, then the opposite should be true, right?"
     "Come to think of it, you *did* mention that Usagi didn't seem affected
at all, right?"  Pocky asked.
     "Yeah,"  I agreed.  "Then again, she was shoveling so many desserts in
her mouth that I thought she'd spontaneously combust."
     "I think you may be onto something."  Pocky said.  "The thing is, I don't
think that we can have the whole police force hunt down magical girls and make
them drink soda."
     "I don't think we have to,"  I told him.  "I know somebody at a news
station who wouldn't mind helping out an old friend."

     All things considered, the clean-up went fairly well.  It was a bit of a
pain to track down and cure all the affected magical girls, though.
Thankfully, Trish down at the news station helped spread the word on how to
get things back to relatively normal.  Some people, though, were a little
*too* eager to have things back to the status quo.  Ecchiville, for example,
was beginning to get grungy again--mostly due to the intervention of no-lifes
who wanted their cheap thrills.
     Truthfully, I *was* tempted to not let anyone in Ecchiville know about
the cure.  Then I remembered what the Chief always told me:  "Do your best to
enforce the law, but you have to let the bloodsuckers--err...politicians make
the big decisions."
     I was beginning to wonder if *any* good came out of this fiasco when I
saw Gaffney waving goodbye to someone.  A quick glance told me that it was
Hotaru Tomoe that had just left the station.
     "Hey, Gaffney!"
     Sean turned around, a small smile on his face.
     "How'd it go with Sailor Saturn?  Did you give her a can of Jolt?"
     "Yeah, everything went okay after that.  Y'know, when you get down to it,
she's really a cute girl who's been given a raw deal.  I mean, we must've
talked for hours, and, well..."
     "And...?"  I prompted.
     "We have a date.  Tonight, in fact."
     Criminately.  "Sean, you *do* know that she's the angel of death, don't
you?  Besides, isn't she a bit young for you?"
     "She's not so bad, really.  Besides, she looks and thinks like she's
legal, so that's close enough for me."
     "You're a brave man, you know that?"
     "I'm surprised nobody else asked her out,"  he mused.  "I mean, it's not
like she's made of stone or anything.  By the way, word is that you and Nene
are an item."
     I flinched, clenching my jaw.  "Really?"  I grated.  "And *who* told you
this?"
     Sean looked more than a little shaken up.  Good.
     "Ah...uh..."  he faltered.  "It was just floating around the precinct,
that's all.  You know, just stuff you hear--"  he checked his watch.  "Oh,
look at the time.  I've gotta go.  Hotaru's expecting me.  See ya!"
     An item.  Nene and I are now an "item," according to the precinct gossip.
What's next?
     "RYO, YOU BASTARD!!!"  WHAM!
     I recognized the voice, as well as the bone-vibrating thud that only a
multi-ton mallet could make.  My guess was right as Kaori stormed out of my
office with a large mallet.  From the looks of it, she'd just undergone diet
soda therapy, and I guessed that she wasn't too happy with Ryo.  Either that,
or it was just her equivalent of a knee-jerk reaction.
     Peeking inside, I saw Ryo slumped over his desk, his upper torso having
made an inch-deep impression.  Groaning, he peeled himself off.
     "I think I liked her better when she was cutesy."  he grumbled.
     "No, you didn't,"  I corrected him.  "As I recall, you said it was a
living nightmare."
     He snorted.  "Can't you leave a guy with *any* illusions?"
     "Nope."
     Ryo frowned.  "Killjoy."
     "Walking hormone."
     He leaned back in his chair.  "Well, at least this diet soda thing isn't
all bad.  I'll be able to visit some of my favorite girls in Ecchiville
soon enough."
     I glared at him.  "I think I liked it better when the girls thought
about things *other* than cheap thrills."
     "You're wrong on two counts:  First, there *are* girls that want 
something other than getting directly to the point.  Second...the good
girls are *anything* but cheap.  I would know."  he grinned.
     WHAM!

     We'd just about taken care of the victims, leaving three girls left:
A-Ko, B-Ko, and (ugh) C-Ko.  A-Ko--sorry, Magical Amazon A-Ko--was currently
involved in a fight with Magical Gadget Girl B-Ko over Magical Pretty Annoying
C-Ko.
     No, I didn't make up that last part.  That's what the blonde actually
wanted to be called.
     "Ohiiiyaaaa Mays-sama!"  she squealed, then dashed towards me.
     Ugh...she's too much to handle ordinarily, but *now*?  Even with the
sunglasses, I can barely look at her.
     CRACK!
     Uh-oh...it seems a bit brighter with these things on.  Could it be that
these lenses can only filter out so much?
     CRACKCRACKCRACK!  A spiderweb formed on the lenses, letting in more light
and K factors.
     That's it, I'm outta here.  Let somebody else take care of this.
     "Mays-sama, where are you going?"
     "Umm...look, a bunny!"  I pointed to somewhere behind her.
     "Where?!"
     That was my cue to sprint to my car.  I did so, and hopped in.  I
carefully took off the sunglasses and looked at the damage.
     Yup, these things were toast.  I idly wondered if Pocky made any more
pairs of these.
     The sounds of property damage brought me back to reality.  Sighing, I
picked up the radio and called for some backup.  I didn't stick around to see
the last three victims of the Magical Girl Virus cured; I had other things to
do.

     I took one last look at myself in the mirror.  The face looking back at
me seemed a little tired, but there weren't any catastrophic facial foul-ups
in the making.
     It's only a date, I kept telling myself.  It's not the end of the world
or anything like that.
     Before I knew it, I was at Nene's apartment, ringing her doorbell.  I
felt a little odd as I gave her a carnation that I could have sworn I didn't
have five minutes ago.
     "Mreow?"  Meg asked, just before she started rubbing herself against my
legs.  I knelt down, picked her up, and gently stroked her.  Before I knew it,
she started purring.
     "Some things haven't changed,"  Nene remarked.  "She still likes you."
     "I hadn't noticed."  I deadpanned.
     "You know, you really don't *have* to do this..."  Nene protested.
     "Well, we *did* have a deal.  I always keep my promises, you know."
     "Even...down to the kiss?"  Now she was blushing.
     "What do *you* think?"

     The date was pretty uneventful.  It was just dinner, a movie, and some
light conversation.  About the only weirdness that we encountered was that guy
in a green jacket that we'd seen at The Con.  He was practically slumped over
one of the tables at the Rainbow Cafe (Nene *insisted* on going back there).
     "What's eating you?"  I asked him.
     "Writer's block and exhaustion,"  he told me.  "Well, that and having to
help Marty carry some of Makoto's shopping boxes."
     "Don't tell me that you volunteered."
     "I *was* volunteered."  he corrected me, then yawned mightily.  He perked
up quite a bit when the owner of the place, Saki Nijino, came out of the
kitchen and set down a Pepsi and what looked like beef and potato stew.
     "Here,"  she said, "You look like you need it."
     Doc managed a weak grin.  "Thanks, Saki."
     She smiled.  "Do your best, okay?"
     I couldn't help but smirk a little bit as Nene and I walked out of the
restaurant.  There may have been hope for that guy after all.

     "Well, I guess this is it."  Nene announced as I escorted her to her
apartment.
     "Yeah, I guess so."
     "I, um...I really had a fun time tonight."
     "Same here."  I could see the hesitation in her eyes.  "Look, kid...I'm
not gonna force you to do anything you really don't want to do."
     "Well, I kind of...sort of...*want* to."
     "Oh."  was all I really had to say.
     The funny thing about kissing is that even though you're busy trying to
osculate, you notice things.  For example, I noticed that the kid was wearing
lip gloss instead of lipstick, that her eyes were closed, that she'd recently
washed her hair, and that she'd wrapped her arms around my waist.  Oh, yeah,
it felt pretty nice, too.  It wasn't like that time in October when she tried
to vacuum my tonsils.  Nope, this time it was a lot more...innocent.  She was
kissing more from the heart than the hormones, I guess.
     It was about this time that I made a rather startling discovery:
I...*needed* her.
     Get your mind outta the gutter.  I'm not about to pick her up, toss her
in bed, and work ourselves into a foaming frenzy.  Excuse me, but I've had the
unfortunate experience of reading fanfics like that.  No, I just...well, I'm
kinda attached to her.  It's pretty hard *not* to like her.
     So, we stood there, just enjoying the moment.  For a few minutes, there
wasn't any pressure to do anything.  Eventually we broke off, and Nene just
leaned against me in the most adorable way.  About once or twice, I tried to
speak, but I gave up when I realized something:
     This was the first real date she'd ever had.  Oh, I'm sure that she tried
to go out with Mackie, but she never talked about it.

     "Well,"  I began, trying to get my mouth working again.  "Now I know."
     "Hm?  What do you know?"
     I couldn't help but smile.  "Remember last October?"
     Nene flushed with embarrassment in record time.  "Oh.  *That*."
     "I've gotta admit...I like this better than trying to untie my tongue."
I joked.  "We should try this again sometime."
     "Mm."  she nodded, leaning against me.

     A not-so discrete "AHEM" broke the mood.  I rolled my eyes to the source:
A guy with dark hair and olive skin.  He was carrying a briefcase, and his
clothes looked only slightly wrinkled.
     "Come on, you two," he said with more than a hint of humor.  "If it's
that important, get a room."
     On reflex, we separated.  The kid looked pretty bewildered and flushed as
she glanced around.
     "Oh, um...hi.  Andy, this is my new neighbor.  I'd like you to meet--"
     "Jayce Kinnison."  I finished.
     Blinkblink.  "You *know* each other?"
     "Oh, quite well,"  Jayce replied.  "Andy and I went to high school
together.  Of course, Andy always calls me `Jake.'"
     I clapped my hand on his shoulder.  "Been a while.  How're you getting
along?"
     He sighed.  "If it weren't for the good luck wards in my apartment, I
wouldn't get a bloody wink of sleep."
     Nene blinked.  "Why's that?"
     "Wile E. Coyote Syndrome."  Jake looked nervous.  "Look, I'd love to
explain it, but I'd better get inside my apartment before a spaceship decides
to crash into the building or something."
     Rushing to the door, he unlocked it and hurried inside.  Before he got
all the way in, though, he popped his head out with a mildly lecherous grin.
     "By the way, if you two could keep it down, I'd really appreciate it.
I like to sleep in on the weekends."  With that, he zipped inside, locking the
door behind him.
     "Jake!"  I exclaimed, then sighed as he got the last word in.  Again.
     Well, at least he'd mellowed out a bit from when we were younger.
     "`Wile E. Coyote Syndrome?'"  Nene asked.
     "Yeah, it's something he's had ever since we graduated from high school.
Let's just say that he has to depend on the luck of others."
     "That's kind of sad,"  she commented.
     I shrugged.  "He's pretty resilient.  I wouldn't want to be in his shoes,
though."
     Before I knew it, there was this incredibly ungainly silence that had
decided to take up residence between us.  Nene shuffled her feet, probably
trying to summon up the courage to say *something*.
     "Um..."  she began.
     "Yeah, kiddo?"
     "Would you like to..."  she gestured aimlessly.
     "To...?"  I prompted her.
     "Would you like to...to go out again sometime?"  That last bit came out
in a rush.
     Oh, was *that* what she was so worked up about?
     "I don't think that's gonna be a problem, kiddo."  I reassured her.
     She blinked.  "Uh...good.  I mean, *good*.  That's...really good.
Um...I'll see you Monday?"
     "Count on it."  I told her, and gave her a quick hug.
     Yeah, the job was probably going to be the death of me in any number of
ways.  Sure, I probably endured enough stress in one day to make air traffic
controllers break down.  For now, though, things seemed to be picking up a
little.
     It must've been my imagination, but the last thing I'd heard before the
elevator doors closed was a weird sound that couldn't possibly have been what
I thought it was.  It sounded like an absolute squeal of glee coming from
Nene's apartment.  Go figure, huh?

                                   THE END

---------------------------WARNING!  AUTHOR BABBLE!----------------------------

     Okay, before I get to my usual babble, I want to reassure the reader of
one thing:
     Richard "Pocky" Kim did virtually NONE of the stuff that I described in
the story.  I just made his character like that for fun with his permission.
He doesn't have huge stacks of degrees waiting to be mounted on the wall or
all that.  He *is* fluent in Japanese, good at Tae Kwon Do, and one of the
nicest guys I know.  I see him once a year at Katsucon, and he's always up to
his eyeballs in helping out.  I put him in an Anime Detective story because,
well, I felt like it.  :-)  Oh, and he really *does* have this thing for
girls in glasses and china dresses/cheongsams.
     What's the deal with Jayce?  Well, actually, he's a character that's been
waiting in the wings for the last five years or so.  He's the creation of
Jason Kinnison-Holmes, possibly the biggest Sonic Soldier Borgman fan I know.
     Yes, that *was* Sean Gaffney who had a few scenes with Hotaru Tomoe.  If
he ever manages to read this, he'll probably maim me for the puns I've made
with his story titles.
     Wow, this story took a while to finally get out.  For that, I humbly
apologize.  I've been distracted by any number of things, including the
various Pokemon games, life, and as evidenced by my cameo in the story, mild
exhaustion.  Well, playing Capcom vs. SNK 2 didn't help much either.
     What's next?  Well, other than bugging--err...*helping* Ben and the rest
of the Eyrie crew on the odd UF project, I was thinking about getting my 
butt in gear and going for the much-delayed Dimension Hopping series.  Or, I
could try something different for Anime Detective...maybe a different POV.
I've been doing this for, oh, a little over 10 years, and the ideas are
still coming.  I, however, don't have as much free time as I used to.  :P
     See you in the future!

--Pearson "Doc" Mui