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Gryphonadmin
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May-06-15, 04:20 PM (EDT)
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"sports video game tampering = comedy"
 
   Many years ago, Truss and I bought a copy of whichever EA Sports NHL game was available for the Nintendo 64 (I would guess it was probably called NHL 64, because N64 titles were always that creative, but I can't remember for certain), and after exhausting the amusement value of playing it normally, we hit upon the strategy of using the custom player creator tool to build players with comically improbable stats, then putting them on the roster of the Toronto Maple Leafs and seeing what would happen.

For example, we created a goaltender who stood the maximum allowable height (ca. 7 feet) and weighed the minimum allowable weight (ca. 100 lbs.), maxed out his reaction speed, glove ability, and puck awareness, but gave him very low strength and weak stick skills. This is how René-Philippe Target, the Leafs' goalie in Hogtown Rhapsody (later traded to the New Avalon Razors), came to be. We also gave him a phenomenally high aggression, so that he would occasionally get into fights even though goaltenders very rarely do - and he was so aggressive that he would usually win them even though he was a stick figure. Getting into a fight with René Target was like being beaten up by a seven-foot praying mantis, only he'd rip your head off without even giving you the courtesy of a reacharound.*

This was pretty good comedy, and we amused ourselves for some time by loading up games featuring the Leafs' comedy roster and then just letting the computer play against itself.

We never assumed for a moment that we were the only people who ever thought of doing something like that, and we were right not to assume it. In his travels around the sporting Internet, Truss recently discovered the works of a man called Jon Bois at SB Nation. Bois's whole shtick over there seems to be doing similar things to various sporting video games, and in fairness, he's better at it than we were. :)

Having first pointed me to his work on a project entitled NBA Y2K, Truss then directed me to a larger and more elaborate project of Bois's called Breaking Madden, in which he does terrible things to the latest installments of EA's John Madden-branded football series.

Now, here's a thing you need to understand before I say what I'm going to say next: I don't get football. (And before anyone chimes in with some allegedly witty quip about metric football, aka soccer, it's a moot point because I don't get that game either.) I never followed it as a kid, and though I was required to attend every home game in high school as a member of the band, I rarely had any idea what was going on out on the field. I know virtually nothing about how the game works.

And when I say I know virtually nothing about it, I literally mean that the list of things I do understand about the game is short enough to enumerate for you. Here: I know that if the man carrying the ball makes it all the way to the end it's a touchdown, and then they get to try and kick the ball through the giant tuning fork for an extra point; and I have the vague impression that the man making the tactical decisions is called the "quarterback", although I haven't the faintest idea why. (Where are the other three-fourths of the back?) And that's... well, that's it, basically. Oh, and there are referees, but what they're actually for I couldn't tell you. Not to prevent the players from committing acts of violence that would get anyone else jailed without trial, obviously.

(I once saw an amusing video in which a referee reported that he had declared a penalty because, and I quote, "number 99 of the defense, after he tackled the quarterback, he's givin' him the business down there," but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that that is not an actual, technical description of a foul one can commit in American football. Which is frankly a shame, but there we are.)

Anyway, there you go. Beyond the touchdown-extra point thing, I don't understand how American football works in terms of timing or scoring; don't know why they stop the clock when play stops sometimes and not others; don't know what the names of the positions imply as to their functions in the game; don't have any idea what all that "nth and x" business is about. I'm also not familiar with any but the most ultra-prominent names of personalities in the game, to the point where even most of those guys, I don't know if they're active players or retired or what.

If I did know any of that stuff, Breaking Madden would probably be funny enough to actually endanger my health, because even without that information I've found myself properly, genuinely laughing out loud at many, many points during my odyssey through its archives. Oh my stars and garters, this is some funny, funny stuff. A lot of that can be attributed to Bois himself, who has a very wry, self-deprecating style of humor that I appreciate a lot.

As an aside, SB Nation overall is a pretty fun site. I'm not a big sports guy beyond following Formula One and taking a sporadic interest in baseball and ice hockey, but in addition to the comedy, there's some quite good straight-up sports writing going on there. Yesterday's The Poison Oasis, their long-form extravaganza on the Mayweather-Pacquiano fight - speaking of sports I don't give a single fraction of a damn about, to the point where I sort of hesitate to even call it a sport without huge sarcasm quotes - is outstandingly good. Also, our very own Matt Wagner writes for their NHL Columbus Blue Jackets feature, The Cannon.

--G.
* Apologies to R. Lee Ermey.
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: sports video game tampering = comedy MoonEyes May-06-15 1
     RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Gryphonadmin May-06-15 2
         RE: sports video game tampering = comedy ratinoxteam May-06-15 3
             RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Gryphonadmin May-06-15 4
         RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Astynax May-06-15 5
             RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Gryphonadmin May-06-15 6
                 RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Astynax May-06-15 7
  RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Bad Moon May-06-15 8
     RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Gryphonadmin May-06-15 9
         RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Bad Moon May-06-15 10
             RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Pasha May-27-15 11
                 RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Bad Moon Jun-04-15 12
  RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Berk Jun-06-15 13
     RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Peter Eng Jun-07-15 14
         RE: sports video game tampering = comedy Berk Jun-10-15 15

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MoonEyes
Member since Jun-29-03
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May-06-15, 07:07 PM (EDT)
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1. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #0
 
   LAST EDITED ON May-06-15 AT 07:09 PM (EDT)
 
I am hideously drawn towards trying to explain SOME things(what little *I* know, considering I'm very very not from the US, and so at best consider US-style 'football' a form of Rugby for sissies(not really, but hey, Warren Ellisis...)) of the game.

However, I strongly suspect that you'd beat me with whatever implement is handy at the time, if I do, so I shall refrain.

...!
Gott's Leetle Feesh in Trousers!


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Gryphonadmin
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May-06-15, 08:02 PM (EDT)
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2. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #1
 
   >I am hideously drawn towards trying to explain SOME things

Weirdly, my mother said something very similar when I pointed her at Breaking Madden with the same qualifier ("I don't even understand football and I love this series").

Apropos of this, I've just remembered that for years as a grade-schooler, I was outfitted with successively larger versions of a very specific sort of NFL team jacket that I think you could only get at Sears. It was satin, and had a sort of a W-shaped fake-fur-covered short cape (not entirely unlike the bib on the back of a serafuku collar, come to think of it) that could be zipped up and worn on the head (at which point it became a fake-fur-lined hood). And, for reasons that I didn't bother to wonder about at the time but am now, in 30-some-years-later retrospect, deeply puzzled by, they were always Dallas Cowboys jackets.

I should investigate this with my parents. Were they Cowboys fans? (If so, why?) Alternately, if I chose that particular one myself, did I just like the colors better than any of the others available? I can't recall ever giving a damn about the team, or indeed the sport they play. And does that, in hindsight, suddenly explain certain baffling incidents of Elementary Classmate Animosity? It's all very puzzling now that I think about it for a few minutes.

--G.
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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ratinoxteam
Member since Jun-6-05
165 posts
May-06-15, 09:22 PM (EDT)
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3. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #2
 
   >at Sears. It was satin, and had a sort of a W-shaped fake-fur-covered
>short cape (not entirely unlike the bib on the back of a
>serafuku collar, come to think of it) that could be zipped up
>and worn on the head (at which point it became a fake-fur-lined hood).

If it's what I'm remembering then it's based on the N-2B flight jacket. Technically, it's a hood that can be unzipped so that it lies flat rather than an ornamental cape that can be zipped into a hood. Why it was so popular or why the Cowboys were so popular? Beats me.

--
Rat
That and five bucks will get you a small coffee at Starbucks


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Gryphonadmin
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May-06-15, 09:32 PM (EDT)
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4. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #3
 
   >If it's what I'm remembering then it's based on the N-2B flight
>jacket.

Similar concept, though I don't think the ones I had as a kid had that ruff around the hood, which meant it lay much flatter when unzipped.

>Technically, it's a hood that can be unzipped so that it lies
>flat rather than an ornamental cape that can be zipped into a hood.

Yes, yes. That's a little like quibbling about whether the true purpose of a door is to provide a route through the wall, or access control. :) Anyway, in my experience it was much more often a cape than a hood.

I'm not the only child in my memories who had one, but I was probably the only one who had a Cowboys one - though thinking back on it, I'm sure I had at least one schoolmate who had an Oakland Raiders one, which makes even less sense.

--G.
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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Astynax
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May-06-15, 09:40 PM (EDT)
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5. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #2
 
   > And does that, in hindsight, suddenly
>explain certain baffling incidents of Elementary Classmate Animosity?
>It's all very puzzling now that I think about it for a few minutes.
>

I can't speak to the sports sensibilities of small town Maine, but in my neck of the woods (greater Philadelphia) it would have explained such things, as well as potential attempts on your life. The Cowboys are hated with such passion around here that I truly believe one could be elected mayor of Philadelphia on a platform of nothing more than "Fuck the Cowboys!"* So if any other localities have a similar hatred, there you go.


-={(Astynax)}=-
*Given the quality of some Philly mayors, it is almost certain at least one of them already has.


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Gryphonadmin
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May-06-15, 09:47 PM (EDT)
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6. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #5
 
   LAST EDITED ON May-06-15 AT 09:47 PM (EDT)
 
>The Cowboys
>are hated with such passion around here that I truly believe one could
>be elected mayor of Philadelphia on a platform of nothing more than
>"Fuck the Cowboys!"* So if any other localities have a similar hatred,
>there you go.

Well, like I said, I don't know a hell of a lot about football, but I would have to suspect that if the Patriots do have some kind of Deathly Rival, it'd be more logical to assume it'd be one of the New York teams, à la Sox-Yankees, or maybe Pittsburgh. ISTR more than a few contrariwise Steelers fans back in my school days.

Also, you cited a footnote and then no footnote. Bad form, I'm afraid I'm going to have to dock you a third of a letter grade. :)

--G.
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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Astynax
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May-06-15, 09:59 PM (EDT)
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7. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #6
 
   >
>Well, like I said, I don't know a hell of a lot about football, but I
>would have to suspect that if the Patriots do have some kind of
>Deathly Rival, it'd be more logical to assume it'd be one of the New
>York teams, à la Sox-Yankees, or maybe Pittsburgh. ISTR more than a
>few contrariwise Steelers fans back in my school days.
>


The Cowboys are, for arcane reasons unknown to mortals, in the same division as the local team (Eagles.) Neither are even in the same -conference- as the Patriots (professional football's conferences are analogous to professional baseball's leagues.) I can only imagine it was in fashion to hate on the Cowboys during your childhood (for whatever reason, the national sentiment toward the Dallas Cowboys has an almost tidal ebb and flow.)

>Also, you cited a footnote and then no footnote. Bad form, I'm afraid
>I'm going to have to dock you a third of a letter grade. :)
>

It was nestled within my sig. I've been out of college far too long to recall proper footnote formatting.



-={(Astynax)}=-
"I just thought about precisely how long it is I've been out, and felt mildly ancient."


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Bad Moon
Member since Dec-17-02
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May-06-15, 10:12 PM (EDT)
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8. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #0
 
   Breaking Madden had a 100% accurate rendition of the Seahawks/Bronco's Super Bowl

Eat shit Peyton, go Hawks >:)

I hang out at the Seattle SBN sites, so I agree they are pretty keen.

------
Oh God, it was me. I was the grognard all along.


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Gryphonadmin
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May-06-15, 10:41 PM (EDT)
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9. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #8
 
   >Breaking Madden had a 100% accurate rendition of the Seahawks/Bronco's
>Super Bowl

Well, not... not 100% accurate. I hope.

--G.
we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine... and the machine is bleeding to death
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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Bad Moon
Member since Dec-17-02
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May-06-15, 11:11 PM (EDT)
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10. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #9
 
   Some might opine that it is not a complete Abomination as it is only 50% Seahawks' fan. Being 50% Something Other Than Seahawks' fan by definition makes something not irredeemably the Worst.

------
Oh God, it was me. I was the grognard all along.


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Pasha
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May-27-15, 10:59 PM (EDT)
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11. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #10
 
   >Some might opine that it is not a complete Abomination as it is only
>50% Seahawks' fan. Being 50% Something Other Than Seahawks' fan by
>definition makes something not irredeemably the Worst.
>
>------
>Oh God, it was me. I was the grognard all along.

Appropos of the square root of fuckall: You're a seattlite, yes? Are you going to worldcon? Do you have sleeping room available?

--
-Pasha
"Don't change the subject"
"Too slow, already did."


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Bad Moon
Member since Dec-17-02
261 posts
Jun-04-15, 11:35 PM (EDT)
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12. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #11
 
   Sadly the answer to both is no :(

------
Oh God, it was me. I was the grognard all along.


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Berk
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Jun-06-15, 10:20 AM (EDT)
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13. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #0
 
   This is becoming increasingly a thing. A few years ago now a stream started up on Twitch.tv, showing programming on a semi-regular schedule, called Videogame Championship Wrestling -- in which the person putting the program together has created an entirely fake wrestling federation staffed with video game characters.

He sets the roster against each other and then writes the story from the completely random matches that result, causing it to oddly be MORE REAL than actual, live action wrestling.

- Berk Watkins
Student of Quantum Bogodynamics


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Peter Eng
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Jun-07-15, 05:25 PM (EDT)
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14. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #13
 
   >He sets the roster against each other and then writes the story from
>the completely random matches that result, causing it to oddly be MORE
>REAL than actual, live action wrestling.

I've watched WWE exactly once, while working a part-time job at Key Arena.

It says something that after the first two matches, I could predict what was going to happen for all but one match, and that one ended on some technical oddity called by the ref.

Peter Eng
--
Insert humorous comment here.


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Berk
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Jun-10-15, 01:11 PM (EDT)
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15. "RE: sports video game tampering = comedy"
In response to message #14
 
   Of course the outcomes are prescripted, the writers aren't THAT talented.

I just find it amusing that the outcomes of "double-fake wrestling" are completely random.

- Berk Watkins
Student of Quantum Bogodynamics


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