15||0|3010|0|
0|0|0|||1||sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Gryphon||16:20:18|05/06/2015|Many years ago%2C Truss and I bought a copy of whichever EA Sports NHL game was available for the Nintendo 64 %28I would guess it was probably called %5Bi%5DNHL 64%5B%2Fi%5D%2C because N64 titles were %5Bi%5Dalways%5B%2Fi%5D that creative%2C but I can%27t remember for certain%29%2C and after exhausting the amusement value of playing it normally%2C we hit upon the strategy of using the custom player creator tool to build players with comically improbable stats%2C then putting them on the roster of the Toronto Maple Leafs and seeing what would happen.%0D%0A%0D%0AFor example%2C we created a goaltender who stood the maximum allowable height %28ca. 7 feet%29 and weighed the minimum allowable weight %28ca. 100 lbs.%29%2C maxed out his reaction speed%2C glove ability%2C and puck awareness%2C but gave him very low strength and weak stick skills.  This is how Ren%C3%A9-Philippe Target%2C the Leafs%27 goalie in %5Bi%5DHogtown Rhapsody%5B%2Fi%5D %28later traded to the New Avalon Razors%29%2C came to be.  We also gave him a phenomenally high aggression%2C so that he would occasionally get into fights even though goaltenders very rarely do - and he was %5Bi%5Dso%5B%2Fi%5D aggressive that he would usually win them even though he was a stick figure.  Getting into a fight with Ren%C3%A9 Target was like being beaten up by a seven-foot praying mantis%2C only he%27d rip your head off without even giving you the courtesy of a reacharound.%2A%0D%0A%0D%0AThis was pretty good comedy%2C and we amused ourselves for some time by loading up games featuring the Leafs%27 comedy roster and then just letting the computer play against itself.%0D%0A%0D%0AWe never assumed for a moment that we were the only people who ever thought of doing something like that%2C and we were right not to assume it.  In his travels around the sporting Internet%2C Truss recently discovered the works of a man called Jon Bois at %5Blink%3Awww.sbnation.com%7CSB Nation%5D.  Bois%27s whole %5Bi%5Dshtick%5B%2Fi%5D over there seems to be doing similar things to various sporting video games%2C and in fairness%2C he%27s better at it than we were. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0AHaving first pointed me to his work on a project entitled %5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sbnation.com%2Fnba%2F2014%2F6%2F3%2F5772796%2Fnba-y2k-series-finale-the-death-of-basketball%7CNBA Y2K%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%2C Truss then directed me to a larger and more elaborate project of Bois%27s called %5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sbnation.com%2Fa%2Fbreaking-madden%7CBreaking Madden%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%2C in which he does terrible things to the latest installments of EA%27s John Madden-branded football series.%0D%0A%0D%0ANow%2C here%27s a thing you need to understand before I say what I%27m going to say next%3A I don%27t %5Bi%5Dget%5B%2Fi%5D football.  %28And before anyone chimes in with some allegedly witty quip about %5Bi%5Dmetric%5B%2Fi%5D football%2C aka soccer%2C it%27s a moot point because I don%27t get %5Bi%5Dthat%5B%2Fi%5D game either.%29  I never followed it as a kid%2C and though I was required to attend every home game in high school as a member of the band%2C I rarely had any idea what was going on out on the field.  I know virtually nothing about how the game works.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd when I say I know virtually nothing about it%2C I literally mean that the list of things I %5Bi%5Ddo%5B%2Fi%5D understand about the game is short enough to enumerate for you.  Here%3A I know that if the man carrying the ball makes it all the way to the end it%27s a touchdown%2C and then they get to try and kick the ball through the giant tuning fork for an extra point%3B and I have the vague impression that the man making the tactical decisions is called the %22quarterback%22%2C although I haven%27t the faintest idea why.  %28Where are the other three-fourths of the back%3F%29  And that%27s... well%2C that%27s it%2C basically.  Oh%2C and there are referees%2C but what they%27re actually for I couldn%27t tell you.  Not to prevent the players from committing acts of violence that would get anyone else jailed without trial%2C obviously.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28I once saw %5Blink%3Awww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Deslz06J9hFw%7Can amusing video%5D in which a referee reported that he had declared a penalty because%2C and I quote%2C %22number 99 of the defense%2C after he tackled the quarterback%2C he%27s givin%27 him the %5Bi%5Dbusiness%5B%2Fi%5D down there%2C%22 but I%27m going to go out on a limb and guess that that is not an actual%2C technical description of a foul one can commit in American football.  Which is frankly a shame%2C but there we are.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AAnyway%2C there you go.  Beyond the touchdown-extra point thing%2C I don%27t understand how American football works in terms of timing or scoring%3B don%27t know why they stop the clock when play stops sometimes and not others%3B don%27t know what the names of the positions imply as to their functions in the game%3B don%27t have any idea what all that %22%5Bi%5Dn%5B%2Fi%5D%5Bsup%5D%5Bfont size%3D%221%22%5Dth%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Fsup%5D and %5Bi%5Dx%5B%2Fi%5D%22 business is about.  I%27m also not familiar with any but the most ultra-prominent names of personalities in the game%2C to the point where even most of %5Bi%5Dthose%5B%2Fi%5D guys%2C I don%27t know if they%27re active players or retired or what.%0D%0A%0D%0AIf I %5Bi%5Ddid%5B%2Fi%5D know any of that stuff%2C %5Bi%5DBreaking Madden%5B%2Fi%5D would probably be funny enough to actually endanger my health%2C because even %5Bi%5Dwithout%5B%2Fi%5D that information I%27ve found myself properly%2C genuinely laughing out loud at many%2C many points during my odyssey through its archives.  Oh my stars and garters%2C this is some funny%2C funny stuff.  A lot of that can be attributed to Bois himself%2C who has a very wry%2C self-deprecating style of humor that I appreciate a lot.  %0D%0A%0D%0AAs an aside%2C SB Nation overall is a pretty fun site.  I%27m not a big sports guy beyond following Formula One and taking a sporadic interest in baseball and ice hockey%2C but in addition to the comedy%2C there%27s some quite good straight-up sports writing going on there.  Yesterday%27s %5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sbnation.com%2Fa%2Fpacquiao-mayweather-fight%7CThe Poison Oasis%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%2C their long-form extravaganza on the Mayweather-Pacquiano fight - speaking of sports I don%27t give a single fraction of a damn about%2C to the point where I sort of hesitate to even call it a sport without huge sarcasm quotes - is outstandingly good.  Also%2C our very own Matt Wagner writes for their NHL Columbus Blue Jackets feature%2C %5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.jacketscannon.com%2F%7CThe Cannon%5D%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A%5Bfont size%3D%221%22%5D%2A Apologies to R. Lee Ermey.%5B%2Ffont%5D%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
1|1|0|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|MoonEyes||19:07:15|05/06/2015|[updated:LAST EDITED ON May-06-15 AT 07:09 PM (EDT)]I am hideously drawn towards trying to explain SOME things%28what little %2AI%2A know%2C considering I%27m very very not from the US%2C and so at best consider US-style %27football%27 a form of Rugby for sissies%28not really%2C but hey%2C Warren Ellisis...%29%29 of the game.%0D%0A%0D%0AHowever%2C I strongly suspect that you%27d beat me with whatever implement is handy at the time%2C if I do%2C so I shall refrain.%0D%0A%0D%0A...%21%0D%0AGott%27s Leetle Feesh in Trousers%21
2|2|1|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Gryphon||20:02:50|05/06/2015|%3EI am hideously drawn towards trying to explain SOME things%0D%0A%0D%0AWeirdly%2C my %5Bi%5Dmother%5B%2Fi%5D said something very similar when I pointed %5Bi%5Dher%5B%2Fi%5D at %5Bi%5DBreaking Madden%5B%2Fi%5D with the same qualifier %28%22I don%27t even understand football and I love this series%22%29.%0D%0A%0D%0AApropos of this%2C I%27ve just remembered that for %5Bi%5Dyears%5B%2Fi%5D as a grade-schooler%2C I was outfitted with successively larger versions of a very specific sort of NFL team jacket that I think you could only get at Sears.  It was satin%2C and had a sort of a W-shaped fake-fur-covered short cape %28not entirely unlike the bib on the back of a %5Bi%5Dserafuku%5B%2Fi%5D collar%2C come to think of it%29 that could be zipped up and worn on the head %28at which point it became a fake-fur-lined hood%29.  And%2C for reasons that I didn%27t bother to wonder about at the time but am now%2C in 30-some-years-later retrospect%2C deeply puzzled by%2C they were always Dallas Cowboys jackets.%0D%0A%0D%0AI should investigate this with my parents.  Were %5Bi%5Dthey%5B%2Fi%5D Cowboys fans%3F  %28If so%2C why%3F%29  Alternately%2C if I chose that particular one myself%2C did I just like the colors better than any of the others available%3F  I can%27t recall ever giving a damn about the team%2C or indeed the sport they play.  And does that%2C in hindsight%2C suddenly explain certain baffling incidents of Elementary Classmate Animosity%3F  It%27s all very puzzling now that I think about it for a few minutes.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
3|3|2|||||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|ratinox||21:22:04|05/06/2015|%3Eat Sears.  It was satin%2C and had a sort of a W-shaped fake-fur-covered %0D%0A%3Eshort cape %28not entirely unlike the bib on the back of a %0D%0A%3E%5Bi%5Dserafuku%5B%2Fi%5D collar%2C come to think of it%29 that could be zipped up %0D%0A%3Eand worn on the head %28at which point it became a fake-fur-lined hood%29.%0D%0A%0D%0AIf it%27s what I%27m remembering then it%27s based on the N-2B flight jacket. Technically%2C it%27s a hood that can be unzipped so that it lies flat rather than an ornamental cape that can be zipped into a hood. Why it was so popular or why the Cowboys were so popular%3F Beats me.
4|4|3|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Gryphon||21:32:33|05/06/2015|%3EIf it%27s what I%27m remembering then it%27s based on the N-2B flight %0D%0A%3Ejacket.%0D%0A%0D%0ASimilar concept%2C though I don%27t think the ones I had as a kid had that ruff around the hood%2C which meant it lay much flatter when unzipped.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3ETechnically%2C it%27s a hood that can be unzipped so that it lies %0D%0A%3Eflat rather than an ornamental cape that can be zipped into a hood. %0D%0A%0D%0AYes%2C yes.  That%27s a little like quibbling about whether the true purpose of a door is to provide a route through the wall%2C or access control. %3A%29  Anyway%2C in my experience it was much more often a cape than a hood.%0D%0A%0D%0AI%27m not the only child in my memories who had one%2C but I was probably the only one who had a Cowboys one - though thinking back on it%2C I%27m sure I had at least one schoolmate who had an %5Bi%5DOakland Raiders%5B%2Fi%5D one%2C which makes even less sense.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
5|3|2|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Astynax||21:40:48|05/06/2015|%3E  And does that%2C in hindsight%2C suddenly %0D%0A%3Eexplain certain baffling incidents of Elementary Classmate Animosity%3F  %0D%0A%3EIt%27s all very puzzling now that I think about it for a few minutes. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%0D%0AI can%27t speak to the sports sensibilities of small town Maine%2C but in my neck of the woods %28greater Philadelphia%29 it would have explained such things%2C as well as potential attempts on your life. The Cowboys are hated with such passion around here that I truly believe one could be elected mayor of Philadelphia on a platform of nothing more than %22Fuck the Cowboys%21%22%2A So if any other localities have a similar hatred%2C there you go.%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btable border%3D%220%22 cellspacing%3D%220%22 cellpadding%3D%220%22%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%222%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd%5Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv375%2Ferulogos%2Fv2%2FXSIG.jpg%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btd%5D%5BFONT SIZE%3D%222%22 COLOR%3D%22%23000000%22%5D%5Bb%5D-%3D%7B%28Astynax%29%7D%3D-%5B%2Fb%5D%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%2AGiven the quality of some Philly mayors%2C it is almost certain at least one of them already has.%5B%2Fi%5D%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%222%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5B%2Ftable%5D%5B%2Fp%5D
6|4|5|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Gryphon||21:47:20|05/06/2015|[updated:LAST EDITED ON May-06-15 AT 09:47 PM (EDT)]%3EThe Cowboys %0D%0A%3Eare hated with such passion around here that I truly believe one could %0D%0A%3Ebe elected mayor of Philadelphia on a platform of nothing more than %0D%0A%3E%22Fuck the Cowboys%21%22%2A So if any other localities have a similar hatred%2C %0D%0A%3Ethere you go. %0D%0A%0D%0AWell%2C like I said%2C I don%27t know a hell of a lot about football%2C but I would have to suspect that if the Patriots do have some kind of Deathly Rival%2C it%27d be more logical to assume it%27d be one of the New York teams%2C %C3%A0 la Sox-Yankees%2C or maybe Pittsburgh.  ISTR more than a few contrariwise Steelers fans back in my school days.%0D%0A%0D%0AAlso%2C you cited a footnote and then no footnote.  Bad form%2C I%27m afraid I%27m going to have to dock you a third of a letter grade. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
7|5|6|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Astynax||21:59:34|05/06/2015|%3E%0D%0A%3EWell%2C like I said%2C I don%27t know a hell of a lot about football%2C but I %0D%0A%3Ewould have to suspect that if the Patriots do have some kind of %0D%0A%3EDeathly Rival%2C it%27d be more logical to assume it%27d be one of the New %0D%0A%3EYork teams%2C %C3%A0 la Sox-Yankees%2C or maybe Pittsburgh.  ISTR more than a %0D%0A%3Efew contrariwise Steelers fans back in my school days. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0AThe Cowboys are%2C for arcane reasons unknown to mortals%2C in the same division as the local team %28Eagles.%29 Neither are even in the same -conference- as the Patriots %28professional football%27s conferences are analogous to professional baseball%27s leagues.%29 I can only imagine it was in fashion to hate on the Cowboys during your childhood %28for whatever reason%2C the national sentiment toward the Dallas Cowboys has an almost tidal ebb and flow.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EAlso%2C you cited a footnote and then no footnote.  Bad form%2C I%27m afraid %0D%0A%3EI%27m going to have to dock you a third of a letter grade. %3A%29 %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%0D%0AIt was nestled within my sig. I%27ve been out of college far too long to recall proper footnote formatting.%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btable border%3D%220%22 cellspacing%3D%220%22 cellpadding%3D%220%22%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%222%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd%5Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv375%2Ferulogos%2Fv2%2FXSIG.jpg%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btd%5D%5BFONT SIZE%3D%222%22 COLOR%3D%22%23000000%22%5D%5Bb%5D-%3D%7B%28Astynax%29%7D%3D-%5B%2Fb%5D%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%22I just thought about precisely how long it is I%27ve been out%2C and felt mildly ancient.%22%5B%2Fi%5D%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%222%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5B%2Ftable%5D%5B%2Fp%5D
8|1|0|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Bad Moon||22:12:20|05/06/2015|Breaking Madden had a 100%25 accurate rendition of the Seahawks%2FBronco%27s Super Bowl%0D%0A%0D%0AEat shit Peyton%2C go Hawks %3E%3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0AI hang out at the Seattle SBN sites%2C so I agree they are pretty keen.%0D%0A%0D%0A------%0D%0AOh God%2C it was me.  I was the grognard all along.
9|2|8|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Gryphon||22:41:42|05/06/2015|%3EBreaking Madden had a 100%25 accurate rendition of the Seahawks%2FBronco%27s %0D%0A%3ESuper Bowl%0D%0A%0D%0AWell%2C not... not %5Bi%5D100%25%5B%2Fi%5D accurate.  %5Blink%3Acdn0.sbnation.com%2Fassets%2F3930791%2F3_medium.png%3Fx%7CI hope.%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A%5Bfont size%3D%221%22%5D%5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sbnation.com%2F2014%2F1%2F30%2F5351052%2Fbreaking-madden-super-bowl-broncos-seahawks%7Cwe%27re trapped in the belly of this horrible machine... and the machine is bleeding to death%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%5B%2Ffont%5D%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
10|3|9|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Bad Moon||23:11:15|05/06/2015|Some might opine that it is not a complete Abomination as it is only 50%25 Seahawks%27 fan.  Being 50%25 Something Other Than Seahawks%27 fan by definition makes something not irredeemably the Worst. %0D%0A%0D%0A------%0D%0AOh God%2C it was me.  I was the grognard all along.
11|4|10|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Pasha||22:59:01|05/27/2015|%3ESome might opine that it is not a complete Abomination as it is only %0D%0A%3E50%25 Seahawks%27 fan.  Being 50%25 Something Other Than Seahawks%27 fan by %0D%0A%3Edefinition makes something not irredeemably the Worst. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3E------ %0D%0A%3EOh God%2C it was me.  I was the grognard all along. %0D%0A%0D%0AAppropos of the square root of fuckall%3A You%27re a seattlite%2C yes%3F Are you going to worldcon%3F Do you have sleeping room available%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A-- %0D%0A-Pasha%0D%0A%22Don%27t change the subject%22%0D%0A%22Too slow%2C already did.%22
12|5|11|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Bad Moon||23:35:06|06/04/2015|Sadly the answer to both is no %3A%28%0D%0A%0D%0A------%0D%0AOh God%2C it was me.  I was the grognard all along.
13|1|0|||||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Berk||10:20:53|06/06/2015|This is becoming increasingly a thing. A few years ago now a stream started up on Twitch.tv%2C showing programming on a semi-regular schedule%2C called Videogame Championship Wrestling -- in which the person putting the program together has created an entirely fake wrestling federation staffed with video game characters.%0D%0A%0D%0AHe sets the roster against each other and then writes the story from the completely random matches that result%2C causing it to oddly be MORE REAL than actual%2C live action wrestling.
14|2|13|||1||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Peter Eng||17:25:03|06/07/2015|%3EHe sets the roster against each other and then writes the story from %0D%0A%3Ethe completely random matches that result%2C causing it to oddly be MORE %0D%0A%3EREAL than actual%2C live action wrestling. %0D%0A%0D%0AI%27ve watched WWE exactly once%2C while working a part-time job at Key Arena.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt says something that after the first two matches%2C I could predict what was going to happen for all but one match%2C and that one ended on some technical oddity called by the ref.%0D%0A%0D%0APeter Eng%0D%0A--%0D%0AInsert humorous comment here.
15|3|14|||||RE%3A sports video game tampering %3D comedy|Berk||13:11:03|06/10/2015|Of course the outcomes are prescripted%2C the writers aren%27t THAT talented.%0D%0A%0D%0AI just find it amusing that the outcomes of %22double-fake wrestling%22 are completely random.