10||0|2057|0|
0|0|0|||1||Car Adventures%3A Tempest|Gryphon||23:23:08|04/03/2019|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Apr-05-19 AT 11:12 PM (EDT)]Actually%2C before I can tell you about my Tempest%2C I have to tell you about another car%2C and before I can do either one%2C a little history lesson is in order.%0D%0A%0D%0AIn the early 1960s%2C a team of engineers under Lee Iacocca %28at that time general manager of Ford Motor Company%27s eponymous Ford Division%29 developed a sports car based on the chassis of the Falcon%2C Ford%27s compact passenger car of the era %28%22compact%22 being a relative term in the 1960s%29.  This vehicle%2C which was ultimately christened the Mustang and launched midway through the 1964 model year%2C was a rampaging runaway success and immediately became one of the iconic mid-century American automobiles.%0D%0A%0D%0AMeanwhile%2C over at General Motors%2C the Pontiac Motor Division had an image problem.  In GM%27s original tiered-branding concept%2C Pontiacs were for people who wanted something a little nicer than a Chevrolet%2C but couldn%27t afford an Oldsmobile %28which were for people who wanted a nice car%2C but couldn%27t afford a Buick%2C which were for people who wanted a luxury car%2C but couldn%27t afford a Cadillac%29.  As it turned out%2C five gradations were really more than was needed%2C and Pontiac had become a sort of orphan marque with an unappealing image to the younger demographic that all the car companies were eyeing%E2%80%94they were basically seen as cheap cars for old people.%0D%0A%0D%0AEnter a young engineer-cum-executive by the name of John DeLorean%2C of whom you may have heard in connection with his later adventures in unsuccessful sports car manufacturing and cocaine distribution.  DeLorean was one of the rising stars of GM circa 1960%2C where he%27d been working for Pontiac since 1956.  He wanted to reposition Pontiac as GM%27s fun%2C sporty division%2C to tap into that same youth same market Ford was eyeing with the Mustang%2C and the idea he had for doing so was broadly similar%3A produce a high-performance variant of one of Pontiac%27s existing cars.%0D%0A%0D%0AUnlike the Mustang%2C though%2C the car resulting from DeLorean%27s idea wasn%27t a whole new model.  Instead%2C when the GTO debuted %28also in 1964%29%2C it was an option package for the Pontiac Tempest%2C the division%27s mid-size passenger car.  Basically%2C the Tempest GTO was a Tempest with a big ol%27 high-horsepower truck motor in it and %5Bi%5Dno other modifications%5B%2Fi%5D %28apart from cosmetics%29.  This became a standard pattern for muscle cars in the mid-%2760s%2C and often produced fairly terrifying cars%2C since they had the same suspension%2C brakes%2C steering gear etc. as normal everyday sedans and anywhere from twice to four times as much horsepower.%0D%0A%0D%0AMind you%2C the %2764 Tempest GTO was fairly tame by the standards of what would follow.  The most powerful one you could get that year was rated to have 380 horsepower%2C which was pocket change by the standards of a few years later.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnyway%2C the funniest thing about the GTO to those familiar with the car is that its name has no meaning.  DeLorean named it after the Ferrari 250 GTO%2C which was a famous and successful race car in Europe.  In %5Bi%5Dthat%5B%2Fi%5D car%27s name%2C %22GTO%22 stands for %5Bi%5DGran Turismo Omologato%5B%2Fi%5D%2C which sounds exotic and exciting but really just means the car was homologated %28i.e.%2C certified by the F%C3%A9d%C3%A9ration International de l%27Automobile%2C which sanctions most European motorsports%29 for racing in the Grand Touring category.  The Pontiac was neither a Grand Touring car nor homologated by any organization for any purpose%2C but they called it the GTO anyway.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt so happens that the GTO%2C in its mid- and especially late-decade guises%2C is one of my father%27s favorite muscle cars from the era %28although not his absolute favorite%3B that would be the Chevrolet Chevelle SS396 from 1968%2C if you%27re curious%29.  This would come into play one day in around 1988%2C when Dad and I were driving on one of the backroads of this part of Maine on some errand or another and passed a used car dealership.%0D%0A%0D%0AWell%2C I say %22used car dealership%2C%22 what it really was is%2C a guy had six or seven %7E20-year-old cars in his yard and put up a sign.  You used to see this kind of thing on Maine backroads a lot.  Not as much any more%2C presumably because 20-year-old cars in 2019 are nowhere near as collectible as 20-year-old cars in 1988 were%2C and the cars from that same era have been priced out of the backyard-trade-jockey market by now%2C but back then it was definitely a thing.  These places were usually pretty sketchy%2C and Dad tried to avoid them whenever possible%2C because he hated dealing with the kind of guy who usually ran them%E2%80%94but this one had one of those 1968 Chevelles%2C so we stopped to take a look.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt wasn%27t an SS%2C so Dad%27s interest fairly quickly waned%2C but by then the proprietor had spotted us and come out for a chat.  Dude was exactly as expected%2C too%2C straight out of Central Casting%E2%80%94oily T-shirt%2C belt buckle advertising a brand of beer%2C ballcap advertising a brand of chewing tobacco.  In my memory%2C he was actually %5Bi%5Dchewing%5B%2Fi%5D chewing tobacco while talking with us.%0D%0A%0D%0ABut%3A he had one of these.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FG-GFX%2Fcars%2F1969judge.jpg%0D%0A%5Bfont size%3D%221%22%5D%5Bb%5DFig. A%5B%2Fb%5D All rise...%5B%2Ffont%5D%0D%0A%0D%0AThat is a 1969 Pontiac GTO Judge%2C or%E2%80%94much as with the similarly-named firearm%E2%80%94technically a 1969 Pontiac GTO The Judge.  This was not named in an ironic nod to the professionals Pontiac%27s customers hypothetically spent a lot of time dealing with in traffic court%2C but in fact after%2C of all things%2C a comedy routine from a television show that was popular when they were made%2C %5Bi%5DRowan %26 Martin%27s Laugh-In%5B%2Fi%5D.  I have no idea what the joke was%2C except that the punch line was %22Here come the Judge%21%22 and was evidently so funny that GM figured a reference to same would sell a special even-higher-performance edition of the GTO in 1969 and 1970.%0D%0A%0D%0AApart from those wacky graphics %28including a similar %22The Judge%22 badge on the glove compartment door inside%29 and the wing on the trunk %28which did nothing except carry another %22The Judge%22 decal%29%2C the Judge package included special wheels%2C a unique shifter handle for the transmission%2C and the Ram Air III 400-cubic-inch V8 engine %28hence those nostrils on the hood%29.  This engine claimed to develop 366 horsepower%2C but GM had a habit of lying about that kind of thing to make its products cause less panic among insurance underwriters%3B the big-block Pontiac V8 was well capable of making one or more horsepower per cubic inch of displacement by then.%0D%0A%0D%0AOh yeah%2C also%3A about half of them that year were painted that color%2C which is called%E2%80%94I%27m not kidding%E2%80%94Carousel Red.  I know%2C I %5Bi%5Dknow%5B%2Fi%5D it isn%27t red.  But that%27s what they called it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28The following year%2C GTOs were also offered in a color that was %5Bi%5Dobviously yellow%5B%2Fi%5D and was called Orbit Orange.  No%2C I don%27t get it either.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AAnyway%2C Dad asked the guy %28hereinafter Guy%29 how much he wanted for the GTO.  Guy hemmed and hawed%2C well%2C that%27s a special edition you know%2C they didn%27t make very many of %27em%2C be worth a lot of money in a few years %28%5Bb%5Ded. note%5B%2Fb%5D he was right about that part%29%2C %5Bi%5Dbuuuut%5B%2Fi%5D it%27s not really runnin%27 right now%2C probably nothin%27 serious but I ain%27t really had time to get into it%2C and so on%2C and so forth%2C and finally came up with a number.  Dad replied with a significantly smaller number%2C and half an hour or so of what I hope was the most tedious conversation I will ever have to witness ensued.%0D%0A%0D%0AFinally%2C they settled on a price%2C Dad said he%27d need a day or so to get the cash together%2C and Guy said oh listen%2C there%27s one more thing%2C I%27m kinda still waiting for my dealer license to come from the state so you%27re technically gonna have to buy the car from... I forget%2C his brother%2C or brother-in-law%2C or some equally dodgy thing.  %28In Maine%2C a person can sell... it%27s either no more than five%2C or fewer than five%2C cars before having to get and pay for a license as a used car dealer.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AIf you%27re thinking we should have just called the whole thing off and gone home at that point%2C you%27re absolutely right%2C but%2C well%2C this wouldn%27t be a very good story if we had done that.  And anyway%2C that particular little bureaucratic dodge wasn%27t the good part%3B it actually went down as advertised%2C no problems%2C and we had ourselves a %2769 GTO.%0D%0A%0D%0AThat didn%27t run.%0D%0A%0D%0ASo%2C we spent the summer rebuilding the engine%2C like you do.  And in the process we discovered that the car%27s body wasn%27t really as straight as it looked%2C and was in fact pretty rusty in a few places%2C and the transmission that came in it wasn%27t original%2C %5Bi%5Dand... so... on%2C%5B%2Fi%5D as Carl Sagan might have put it.  Still%2C one makes do with the situation one has%2C right%2C and I have vague memories of the car actually running for a little while at the end of the summer.  A %5Bi%5Dvery%5B%2Fi%5D little while.%0D%0A%0D%0AThat winter%2C Dad decided the bodywork had to be addressed and took the car completely apart.  In the process%2C he started finding numbers.  This was long before you could look all that stuff up on the Internet in an instant from the comfort of your own smallest room%2C but there were reference books in print%2C one of which%2C after developing some suspicions%2C Dad bought.%0D%0A%0D%0AYou%27ve already guessed that the engine wasn%27t original either.  It wasn%27t a Ram Air III%2C or even from a GTO%3B just the regular 350-horse 400 out of a 1969 Grand Prix.%0D%0A%0D%0AAt least the car itself was a real Judge and not a clone.  Since most of the differences were cosmetic%2C that%27s a common scam%2C so common there%27s a joke about it in the classic car community%3A%0D%0A%0D%0AIn 1969%2C Pontiac made around 7%2C000 GTO Judges.  Today%2C thanks to natural attrition%2C there are only 25%2C000 left.%0D%0A%0D%0AStill%2C without an original power train%2C Dad rather lost interest in the project after that point.  He took the Judge with him when he moved after I left Maine to chase tech jobs%2C but he never really worked on it again%2C and a few years later he sold the rolling chassis to someone who had a %2769 GTO power train without a body to put it in.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnyway%2C the GTO isn%27t the actual star of this entry%2C believe it or not.  I%27m not sure I ever drove it%3B that summer it was briefly working was before I had my license.  I just had to tell you about it to provide context for the car that is.%0D%0A%0D%0AI mentioned the fate of my Oldsmobile before%2C and noted at the time that Dad replaced it with something much less luxurious%2C but cooler.  One day%2C not long after the Toronado departed%2C he suggested we take a drive down to the coast and look at a car he%27d found for sale.  The address he%27d gotten was a large house in a nice neighborhood in one of the more upscale coastal towns%2C I forget which one now.  It was the kind of house where there are no longer farm fields anywhere around%2C but the garage had once been a barn%3B it was actually bigger than the house.%0D%0A%0D%0AA nice%2C elderly lady met us in the driveway and showed us into the barn.  As we went%2C she explained that the car she was selling had been her late husband%27s%2C which he had bought new.  She didn%27t drive at all%2C and so she was selling both his most recent car%2C which was parked near the doors in front %28it was a Mercedes or some such%E2%80%94he was a dentist%2C or lawyer%2C or something of that sort%29%2C and his old one%2C which was under a cover in the back.%0D%0A%0D%0ANow... the Barn Find is a thing in classic car circles.  It%27s such a part of the classic car culture that it%27s one of the game mechanics %28as it were%29 in the %5Bi%5DCar Mechanic Simulator%5B%2Fi%5D games.  The exciting thing about Barn Finding is that%2C even if %28as we did in this instance%29 you know what kind of car you%27re there to see%2C you never know what awaits under the cover.  Especially in instances where the person who wrote the ad doesn%27t know much about cars%E2%80%94it%27ll %5Bi%5Dprobably%5B%2Fi%5D be what the ad said%2C or something close to it%2C but as for what condition it%27ll be in%2C there%27s really no telling.  Even people who are being straight with you are often wrong about these things.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe ad we%27d responded to said the car was %22like new%22%2C which you always take with a very large grain of salt%2C but when Dad and I removed the cover from the late gentleman%27s old car%2C we discovered to our astonishment that it was true.  In the summer of 1990%2C 22 years after its original owner drove it off the lot%2C his 1968 Pontiac Tempest looked like he had just taken delivery that morning.  There was not a ding in the bodywork%2C not a fleck of rust at any of the usual trouble spots%2C not a split or wrinkle in the blue vinyl upholstery%2C not a spot on the carpet.  Even the inside of the trunk%2C under the rug%2C looked like one of those old-fashioned metal roasting pans%2C in its original white-flecked black crackle finish.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FG-GFX%2Fcars%2F1968tempest.JPG%0D%0A%5Bfont size%3D%221%22%5D%5Bb%5DFig. B%5B%2Fb%5D Illustration from a GM sales brochure%2C coincidentally depicting the exact color%2C model%2C and trim level of the one we found.  I%27m sure you can see the family resemblance to the following model year%27s GTO%2C which was%2C though it didn%27t carry the name any more%2C still effectively a Tempest two-door hardtop.%5B%2Ffont%5D%0D%0A%0D%0ACloser inspection revealed that it wasn%27t %5Bi%5Dquite%5B%2Fi%5D original.  The tires had been replaced with modern radials %28which is good%2C because bias-ply tires aren%27t very nice%2C and 22-year-old ones wouldn%27t be safe at all%29%2C and at some relatively recent point the old gentleman had had the original radio replaced with a cassette deck.  Overall%2C though%2C it was in amazing shape for its age and the fact that it had spent its whole life in Maine%2C which is traditionally not an environment where cars age gracefully.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe lady wanted %243%2C000 for it%2C which was not a lot of money for that much car.  A lot of cars back in the %2750s and %2760s came in two- and four-door versions%2C and most additionally came in hardtop %28pillarless%29 and sedan %28frames around the windows%29 variants of same.  Customarily%2C sedans aren%27t as desirable as hardtops%2C and two-door models are preferred over four%2C so a four-door sedan like the one we found would have been the least sought-after Tempest variation%2C but all the same%2C she wasn%27t asking anything like as much as it was worth.%0D%0A%0D%0AShe knew that%2C though%2C and she didn%27t care.  Her husband had liked the car so much that when it reached the end of its year of regular service %28he was the kind of guy who only kept a car a year%E2%80%94good work if you can get it%21%29%2C he put it away in the back of the barn and kept it while a succession of more expensive items passed through the front bay%2C and sometimes he%27d take it out for a cruise on a nice weekend day.  She liked the thought of it going to someone it would make as happy as that.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22And anyway%2C%22 she mused over tea %28she really offered us tea%29%2C %22it ought to be %5Bi%5Dused%2C%5B%2Fi%5D don%27t you think.%22%0D%0A%0D%0AWell%2C over the next few years%2C I did that.  I drove it to school%2C to Bangor%2C even took it to Worcester for a while when I lived down there between my time at WPI and when I moved back for %28what I thought was%29 good in %2794.  I spent many happy hours behind that big ol%27 chrome nose piece.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe Tempest was a silly car.  I freely admit that.  Like all V8-powered cars of the %2760s%2C it got pretty poor gas mileage%2C but unlike its cousin the GTO%2C it wasn%27t terribly powerful.  It had the same big-block V8 as the GTOs%2C but with a shorter stroke that reduced the displacement to 350 cubic inches%2C and tuned down for much smoother and quieter operation%2C so it only %28heh%2C %22only%22%29 had about 300 horsepower.  It also had GM%27s venerable two-speed Powerglide automatic transmission%2C which was... not one of the paragons of power motoring%2C let us say.%0D%0A%0D%0AStill%2C the Powerglide was fun if you handled it right.  One of my favorite things to do was to come to a complete stop at the top of the entrance ramp to I-95 southbound %28when it wouldn%27t inconvenience other motorists%2C which was pretty much always%2C Exit 237 was not one of the Interstate%27s hubs of activity%29%2C let the car settle%2C and then put the accelerator flat to the floor.%0D%0A%0D%0AThis was sort of like firing a flintlock rifle%2C in that for a second or so%2C %5Bi%5Dnothing happened%5B%2Fi%5D.  There would be a palpable silent pause while the throttle telegraphed %5Bb%5DAll Ahead Flank%5B%2Fb%5D down to the engine room and the car girded its loins%2C and then the Powerglide would drop down into low%2C the four-barrel carb would open up%2C and with a sudden massive jump of RPM the car would lean back and start down the ramp.  It %5Bi%5Dfelt%5B%2Fi%5D like %5Bi%5Dincredible%5B%2Fi%5D acceleration%2C and with the engine roaring away %5Bi%5DWAAAAAAAAA%5B%2Fi%5D in low gear it %5Bi%5Dsounded%5B%2Fi%5D like it too%2C but... it wasn%27t.  When the car reached the bottom of the entrance ramp%2C it would be going maybe 45%2C 50 miles per hour. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0AIt also needed leaded gasoline%2C which was no longer available for sale by then.  One of the oddities of cars that took what used to be called regular gas and those that took unleaded was that %5Bi%5Dneither%5B%2Fi%5D could survive on the other fuel.  Cars that needed unleaded had catalytic converters%2C which would be ruined by the lead %28this was the real reason it was phased out%2C not because it%27s toxic%29%2C while cars that took regular had valve seats that depended on the traces of lead in the exhaust to seal properly%2C and would eventually ruin their exhaust valves.  So%2C every time I filled up %28which was often%29%2C I had to dump in a little bottle of tetraethyl lead additive%2C which was still sold in gas stations along with the oil and windshield washer fluid and stuff into at least the mid-%2790s.%0D%0A%0D%0A1968 was an odd sort of transitional year for the Tempest.  In 1967%2C they had a different body shape%2C much squarer and stodgier%2C and it acquired its swoopy %22coke bottle%22 body in %2768%2C but it still had the ignition on the dash and GM%27s original%2C ridiculous attempt at a shoulder belt system.  In 1968%2C the shoulder belt was a completely separate belt from the lap belt%2C and it was of fixed length where it attached to the body shell above the door.  To adjust it%2C you had the same sort of sliding buckle on the seat end as the lap belt%2C so to buckle up%2C you had to get in%2C match up the lap belt and its buckle%2C buckle it%2C pull it snug%2C then do the same with the shoulder belt.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe manual said %5Bi%5Dnot%5B%2Fi%5D to make the shoulder belt completely snug%E2%80%94if you did%2C you wouldn%27t be able to reach any of the controls on the dash and it would be really uncomfortable.  Instead%2C you were supposed to leave enough slack in it to put your fist edge-on between the center of your chest and the belt.  The theory was that if you crashed%2C that wouldn%27t be far enough to accelerate to a speed that would cause the shoulder belt to cut you in half.  It was not the most comforting restraint system the world has ever known%2C but I suppose it beat not having a shoulder belt at all%2C especially for the driver.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28I think 1968 was also the last year that the hood release was on the outside of the car.  Yes%2C you heard me.  On the outside.  Before 1969%2C if you had a GM car%2C anyone could just walk up to it%2C pop the hood%2C and have a look at your engine.  Or take things off it.  Or whatever.  Not that anyone ever locked their cars anyway back then.  The way the dash-mounted ignition locks used to work%2C you could unlock the ignition with the key%2C then take the key %5Bi%5Dout%5B%2Fi%5D of the ignition and just use the switch to turn the car on and off%2C forever%2C without ever locking it back up again.  People used to forget where their car keys even %5Bi%5Dwere%5B%2Fi%5D until they sold the cars and had to hand the keys over to the new owners.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AI never got a moving violation in the Tempest either%2C but it does hold the distinction of having been the only one of my cars ever to have a search warrant served upon it.  I was out driving around aimlessly one evening with my friend Mike%2C listening to music and bullshitting about random stuff %28probably largely to do with the %5Bi%5DBattleTech%5B%2Fi%5D game we were in%29%2C when we noticed a police car with its lights on heading into the cul-de-sac we were just coming out of.  An hour or so later%2C in another part of town%2C we got pulled over%2C and it went very oddly.  After pulling us over%2C the cop didn%27t get out of his car.  We just sat there%2C by the side of the road%2C in a blue disco light show%2C for a few minutes%2C until the %5Bi%5Dother%5B%2Fi%5D town police car arrived.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd the area%27s state trooper.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd %5Bi%5Danother%5B%2Fi%5D state trooper.%0D%0A%0D%0AAt which point they %5Bi%5Dall%5B%2Fi%5D came to my window.  While one of the local cops was looking over the paperwork I bemusedly forked over%2C the other one asked%2C %22What were you doing up by %24STREET_NAME earlier%3F%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%22Just driving around.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%22Do you know %24PERSON_NAME%3F%22  %28A fellow member of the Stearns High School Class of 1991%2C as it happened.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%22Just to nod to in the hall.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%28This was not strictly true.  We were old enemies%2C dating back to a beef over canned pudding in the first grade%2C but we hadn%27t interacted for probably 10 years.  By that point%2C we didn%27t %5Bi%5Deven%5B%2Fi%5D nod to each other in the hall.  I suspected it wouldn%27t be wise to get into that level of detail right then%2C though.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%22His house was burglarized this evening%2C just before you were seen driving out of the street he lives on%2C%22 the cop said.  %22I%27m going to have to look in your trunk.%22%0D%0A%0D%0ADid you ever have one of those moments where you knew you were about to do something that was going to complicate your life%2C but all you could do was sit there and watch yourself do it%3F%0D%0A%0D%0AI had one of those moments then%2C as%2C as much to my surprise as the officer%27s%2C I heard my voice ask%2C %22Have you got a warrant%3F%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%22... Do I need one%3F%22 the officer asked after a moment%27s silence.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bi%5DNo%2C%5B%2Fi%5D I thought%2C but the sounds my face emitted were something along the lines of%2C %22I guess that depends on how solid you think your probable cause is.%22%0D%0A%0D%0AWe%2C uh%2C %5Bi%5Dmay%5B%2Fi%5D have just covered all that sort of thing in Government class with Mr. Niles.%0D%0A%0D%0ASo now all four of the cops in town are convinced I%27m a smartass and a would-be lawyer as well as a probable burglar of elementary-school nemeses%27 homes.  Champion%21%0D%0A%0D%0AThey let us go%2C after which Mike couldn%27t decide whether to be furious or buy me a pizza just for the sheer gall of it.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe next day was a Monday%2C and just after lunch%2C as I was sitting in Mr. Dubois%27s math class trying not to lapse into food coma%2C in comes the cop from the night before to serve a search warrant on the car.  I figured that just about took the biscuit.  Not only did he actually go to a judge %28in Bangor%2C I assume%2C since there was only one in Millinocket one day a month in those days%29 and get a warrant%2C he then chose to serve it right in the middle of class%2C %5Bi%5Dand%5B%2Fi%5D he evidently thinks I%27m so stupid that I would burglarize a house%2C %5Bi%5Dget caught%2C%5B%2Fi%5D have an %5Bi%5Dargument with the cops%5B%2Fi%5D about their right to search my vehicle%2C and then %5Bi%5Dleave the loot in the car%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0ASo%2C down we went to the school parking lot%2C to the space I always parked in %28right at the end of the fence%2C next to the gate to the tennis courts%29%2C and I handed the officer my keys and stood well back while he perused the contents of the Tempest%27s trunk.  Here%27s what he found%3A%0D%0A%0D%0A1%29 The spare tire.%0D%0A2%29 The jack and tire iron.%0D%0A3%29 A milk crate containing what my father considered the essential supplies for vintage motoring%3A a quart of oil%2C a half-gallon of mixed coolant%2C booster cables%2C and a spare bottle of tetraethyl lead.%0D%0A4%29 A large piece of blue fabric%2C which the officer now hoisted out and turned to me%2C holding it out suspiciously.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22What%27s this%3F%22 he demanded.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22It%27s a car cover%2C%22 I told him.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22Why isn%27t it on the car%3F%22 he wanted to know.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bi%5DIs that relevant to your inquiry%3F%5B%2Fi%5D I thought%2C but for once was able to make my face say something reasonable%2C like%2C %22I only put it on if it%27s going to be outside overnight.%22%0D%0A%0D%0AThe trunk%2C although large enough to contain the furnishings for a modest apartment and%2For at least one dead body rolled up in a rug%2C contained nothing else.  I was informed that I was free to go for the moment%2C but should not consider leaving town until further notice%2C and sent back to class.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28The coda to all this is that they called the house and talked to my father that evening%2C and he did so much yelling at such a sustained volume that the matter was thenceforth dropped.  I don%27t know if they ever did find out who robbed my old foe%27s house%2C but it wasn%27t me.  And besides%2C even if I were so gauche as to burglarize a schoolmate%27s house%2C I would like to think that I%27m at least clever enough to use a getaway car a little less distinctive than %5Bi%5Dmy own 1968 Pontiac Tempest%5B%2Fi%5D.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AA lot of my car stories have sad endings%2C and unfortunately the Tempest%27s is no exception.  A couple of years later%2C when I was back from Worcester%2C my mother asked me to sell it to her elderly landlady.  The car was not for sale%2C and I told her so%2C but she pleaded with me%3A the lady%27s ancient Plymouth station wagon had breathed its last%2C and she couldn%27t get to grips with anything more modern.  Finally she promised that if I sold her landlady the car%2C I could get it back when she gave up driving%2C which would surely be within only a few years. In my memory%2C Mom even promised to pay for its recovery herself if I didn%27t have the cash when the time came%2C although she insists I%27m making that part up nowadays.  %0D%0A%0D%0ARealizing I would get no peace%2C I relented and let it go for what we%27d paid for it%2C then used the money to buy an old VW Beetle.  Life took me elsewhere%2C and over the next few years I would check in on the Tempest from time to time.  Every time%2C I was assured that the landlady was taking good care of it%2C remembered the arrangement%2C and would be ready to sell it back any day now%2C as her eyesight was failing and she wouldn%27t be able to drive much longer.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28That makes me sound a little predatory in hindsight%2C or at least vulture-like%2C but wait for it%3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0AInstead%2C the old lady kept the car until she died%2C then left it to one of her grandsons in her will.  He beat it around for a few years%E2%80%94this is the same kid who nearly assassinated Mom%27s old Giannini classical guitar by putting steel strings on it%3B he%27s not great at looking after his own things%2C let alone other people%27s%E2%80%94and then%2C in the finest Elwood Blues style%2C traded it to some other would-be musician for an amp when he tired of paying its fuel costs.  And that was the end of that.  It vanished into the continuum that is the greater Portland area.  He claimed a little while ago that he%27d seen it for sale again on Craigslist%2C but when pressed for details he admitted that this was more than a year ago%2C so there were some hopes raised and dashed again.%0D%0A%0D%0AI%27m mildly annoyed about Dad%27s high-handedness with the Toronado and the Camaro %28although the latter was never technically my car%2C so I%27ve got no legitimate beef about it%29%2Cand I%27m sad that I%27ve had to part with various other cars I%27ve had in my life%2C but the Tempest%27s fate is the only one that I%27m %5Bi%5Dactively pissed off about%5B%2Fi%5D%2C even now.  Men have gone on rampages for less.  They%27re lucky I%27m such a god damn milquetoast.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
1|1|0|||1||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|Mercutio||20:58:33|04/04/2019|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Apr-04-19 AT 08:59 PM (EDT)]%3E I have no idea what the joke was%2C except that the punch line was %22Here come the %3E Judge%21%22%0D%0A%0D%0A... oh%2C is THAT where that%27s from%3F%0D%0A%0D%0AI was seeing references to that line %28usually pronounced in some kind of vaguely southern-fried %22Here come da judge%21%22 way%29 all the way into the mid-to-late 1990s. %5Bi%5DSimpsons%5B%2Fi%5D did one. Hell%2C %5Bi%5DReBoot%5B%2Fi%5D%2C a show for what would now be called the YA demo about the people who live inside your computer%2C did one. More sitcoms than I could name. I never had any idea where they came from%2C in the same way that I never really knew where %22De plane%2C boss%21 De plane%21%22 came from until many years later.%0D%0A%0D%0AI mean. I suppose that this shouldn%27t surprise me%3B I have to imagine that early-season Simpsons references %28%22Dental plan%21%22 %22Monorail%21%22%29 are just as vaguely inscrutable to kids born in 2004 today. But man%2C I never had any idea where %22Here come the Judge%21%22 came from%2C and this is an odd venue to find that out in.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E which would be ruined by the lead %28this was the real reason it was phased out%2C %3E not because it%27s toxic%29%2C %0D%0A%0D%0AThis is depressing to me%2C because significant evidence has emerged that just about the entirety of the famous mid-century crime wave %28the sudden spike%2C sustainment for three or so decades%2C and equally sudden reversion from the 1960s to the 1990s that inspired films like %5Bi%5DDirty Harry%5B%2Fi%5D%29 can be explained by a generation and a half or so%27s worth of people having their brains fried by lead fumes from cars as children. If lead was phased out on a technological efficiency fluke instead%2C well. Damn.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E Not only did he actually go to a judge %28in Bangor%2C I assume%2C since there was %0D%0A%3E only one in Millinocket one day a month in those days%29 and get a warrant%2C he %0D%0A%3E then chose to serve it right in the middle of class%2C and he evidently thinks %0D%0A%3E I%27m so stupid that I would burglarize a house%2C get caught%2C have an argument %0D%0A%3E with the cops about their right to search my vehicle%2C and then leave the loot %3E in the car.%0D%0A%0D%0AI would submit%2C my fine friend%2C that this warrant was not being served because the pig thought you were guilty of burglary and had been dumb enough to leave the goods in your car after nearly being pinched. %28Although plenty of crooks have done plenty of far dumber things.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AIt was being served because he %5Bi%5Dknew%5B%2Fi%5D you were guilty of Contempt of Cop. Almost certainly a far more serious crime in his eyes.%0D%0A%0D%0ACalling your parents is the real cherry on top of that dick sundae. That happened to me once%3B they literally rang up my mom at two in the bloody morning to tell her that I was out on the streets%2C something perfectly legal for someone who is eighteen%2C i.e %5Bi%5Dold enough to be drafted%2C%5B%2Fi%5D to do. %0D%0A%0D%0AI don%27t have any direct experience with rural small-town cops%2C but I grew up in a %5Bi%5Dsuburban%5B%2Fi%5D small town that%27s a bedroom community for the nearby city %28and which is gentrifying at a TERRIFYING rate%3B when I was a kid the olds were lamenting the blight caused by the shuttering of the DeLand Chemical Company plants down by the canal%3B today%2C those plants are filling up with artisanal whiskey makers%2C cupcakeries%2C and a small restaurant run by a guy from Dublin and his Mexican husband that only serves boxty%2C burritos%2C and beer%29 and the six or seven cops on the payroll there at the time were long on %22order%22 and very%2C very short on %22law.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A-Merc%0D%0AKeep Rat
2|2|1|||1||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|Gryphon||21:25:33|04/04/2019|%3EI was seeing references to that line %28usually pronounced in some kind %0D%0A%3Eof vaguely southern-fried %22Here come da judge%21%22 way%29 all the way into %0D%0A%3Ethe mid-to-late 1990s.%0D%0A%0D%0AYeah%2C it was like that in the original%2C too%2C I just didn%27t type it that way.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EI mean. I suppose that this shouldn%27t surprise me%3B I have to imagine %0D%0A%3Ethat early-season Simpsons references %28%22Dental plan%21%22 %22Monorail%21%22%29 are %0D%0A%3Ejust as vaguely inscrutable to kids born in 2004 today. But man%2C I %0D%0A%3Enever had any idea where %22Here come the Judge%21%22 came from%2C and this is %0D%0A%3Ean odd venue to find that out in. %0D%0A%0D%0AIn fairness%2C it was a surreal thing to name a car after even when they did it.  Someone at GM%27s ad agency was evidently a %5Bi%5DLaugh-In%5B%2Fi%5D fan.  All the ad straplines were cutesy judge jokes%2C too.  %22This Judge can be bought%2C%22 that kind of thing.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E%3E which would be ruined by the lead %28this was the real reason it was phased out%2C %3E%3E not because it%27s toxic%29%2C %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EThis is depressing to me%2C because significant evidence has emerged %0D%0A%3Ethat just about the entirety of the famous mid-century crime wave %28the %0D%0A%3Esudden spike%2C sustainment for three or so decades%2C and equally sudden %0D%0A%3Ereversion from the 1960s to the 1990s that inspired films like %0D%0A%3E%5Bi%5DDirty Harry%5B%2Fi%5D%29 can be explained by a generation and a half or %0D%0A%3Eso%27s worth of people having their brains fried by lead fumes from cars %0D%0A%3Eas children. If lead was phased out on a technological efficiency %0D%0A%3Efluke instead%2C well. Damn.%0D%0A%0D%0ADon%27t get me wrong%2C people were %5Bi%5Dagitating%5B%2Fi%5D for its removal because of the health concerns%3B but what finally got the industry to actually do it was that the catalytic converters required to meet %5Bi%5Ddifferent%5B%2Fi%5D pollution control goals didn%27t get along with lead.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28The data about the correlation between atmospheric lead levels and crime didn%27t come along until well after the fact%2C though%26mdash%3BI believe that%27s a fairly recent discovery.%29%0D%0A %0D%0A%3EI would submit%2C my fine friend%2C that this warrant was not being served %0D%0A%3Ebecause the pig thought you were guilty of burglary and had been dumb %0D%0A%3Eenough to leave the goods in your car after nearly being pinched. %0D%0A%3E%28Although plenty of crooks have done plenty of far dumber things.%29 %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EIt was being served because he %5Bi%5Dknew%5B%2Fi%5D you were guilty of Contempt %0D%0A%3Eof Cop. Almost certainly a far more serious crime in his eyes. %0D%0A%0D%0AWell%2C yes%2C that%27s obvious now%2C but when I was 17 it didn%27t seem logical.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3ECalling your parents is the real cherry on top of that dick sundae. %0D%0A%0D%0AThere%27s a mental image.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EI don%27t have any direct experience with rural small-town cops%2C but I %0D%0A%3Egrew up in a %5Bi%5Dsuburban%5B%2Fi%5D small town... and the six or seven cops %0D%0A%3Eon the payroll there at the time were long on %22order%22 and very%2C very %0D%0A%3Eshort on %22law.%22 %0D%0A%0D%0A%28nod%29 My experience was probably closer to that than%2C say%2C the Duke brothers%27 milieu%2C despite the fact that northern Maine is a strange exclave of the shitkicker South.  Millinocket in my youth%2C despite its isolation%2C was culturally less like a rural town and more like a suburb in search of a city.  There are no farms or anything around here%2C everybody worked at the paper mill%2C and the town limits are much more constrained than most townships around here%2C so it always felt more urban than it ever really was.  The cops had their own foibles%2C but they weren%27t Rosco P. Coltrane types.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28At least they still dressed like cops back then.  Nowadays they look like fucking commandos.  Commandoes%3F  What%27s the over%2Funder on that%3F%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
3|3|2|||||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|MuninsFire||21:45:06|04/04/2019|%3E%3E%3E which would be ruined by the lead %28this was the real reason it was phased out%2C %3E%3E not because it%27s toxic%29%2C %0D%0A%3E%3E%0D%0A%3E%3EThis is depressing to me%2C because significant evidence has emerged %0D%0A%3E%3Ethat just about the entirety of the famous mid-century crime wave %28the %0D%0A%3E%3Esudden spike%2C sustainment for three or so decades%2C and equally sudden %0D%0A%3E%3Ereversion from the 1960s to the 1990s that inspired films like %0D%0A%3E%3E%5Bi%5DDirty Harry%5B%2Fi%5D%29 can be explained by a generation and a half or %0D%0A%3E%3Eso%27s worth of people having their brains fried by lead fumes from cars %0D%0A%3E%3Eas children. If lead was phased out on a technological efficiency %0D%0A%3E%3Efluke instead%2C well. Damn.%0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EDon%27t get me wrong%2C people were %5Bi%5Dagitating%5B%2Fi%5D for its removal %0D%0A%3Ebecause of the health concerns%3B but what finally got the industry to %0D%0A%3Eactually do it was that the catalytic converters required to meet %0D%0A%3E%5Bi%5Ddifferent%5B%2Fi%5D pollution control goals didn%27t get along with lead. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3E%28The data about the correlation between atmospheric lead levels and %0D%0A%3Ecrime didn%27t come along until well after the fact%2C though%E2%80%94I %0D%0A%3Ebelieve that%27s a fairly recent discovery.%29 %0D%0A%0D%0AFairly%2C yeah - looks like the paper%27s from 2016 %5Blink%3Aehjournal.biomedcentral.com%2Farticles%2F10.1186%2Fs12940-016-0122-3%7Cif you%27re interested%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E%3ECalling your parents is the real cherry on top of that dick sundae. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EThere%27s a mental image. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0AThat%27s a special sort of %27ew%27%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E%3EI don%27t have any direct experience with rural small-town cops%2C but I %0D%0A%3E%3Egrew up in a %5Bi%5Dsuburban%5B%2Fi%5D small town... and the six or seven cops %0D%0A%3E%3Eon the payroll there at the time were long on %22order%22 and very%2C very %0D%0A%3E%3Eshort on %22law.%22 %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3E%28nod%29 My experience was probably closer to that than%2C say%2C the Duke %0D%0A%3Ebrothers%27 milieu%2C despite the fact that northern Maine is a strange %0D%0A%3Eexclave of the shitkicker South.  Millinocket in my youth%2C despite its %0D%0A%3Eisolation%2C was culturally less like a rural town and more like a %0D%0A%3Esuburb in search of a city.  There are no farms or anything around %0D%0A%3Ehere%2C everybody worked at the paper mill%2C and the town limits are much %0D%0A%3Emore constrained than most townships around here%2C so it always felt %0D%0A%3Emore urban than it ever really was.  The cops had their own foibles%2C %0D%0A%3Ebut they weren%27t Rosco P. Coltrane types. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%0D%0ARural county mounties in CA are the same sort of special.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E%28At least they still dressed like cops back then.  Nowadays they look %0D%0A%3Elike fucking commandos.  Commandoes%3F  What%27s the over%2Funder on that%3F%29 %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%0D%0AI think the spelling with an %27e%27 would be the UK sort%2C with the strange sweater patches. Without would be the American sort who dress in tacticool even in flagrantly inappropriate situations.
4|4|3|||||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|Senji||04:19:12|04/05/2019|%3E%3E%28At least they still dressed like cops back then.  Nowadays they look %0D%0A%3E%3Elike fucking commandos.  Commandoes%3F  What%27s the over%2Funder on that%3F%29 %0D%0A%3E%3E%0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EI think the spelling with an %27e%27 would be the UK sort%2C with the %0D%0A%3Estrange sweater patches. Without would be the American sort who dress %0D%0A%3Ein tacticool even in flagrantly inappropriate situations. %0D%0A%0D%0A Oddly we don%27t spell it with an %27e%27 on this side of the pond either.  I suspect it%27s because we borrowed it from American English.
8|5|4|||||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|rwpikul||18:31:35|04/10/2019|%3E Oddly we don%27t spell it with an %27e%27 on this side of the pond either.  %0D%0A%3EI suspect it%27s because we borrowed it from American English. %0D%0A%0D%0AAfrikaans actually%2C %28kommando%29%2C it%27s also the source of the word %22commandeer%22.%0D%0A
6|2|1|||||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|SneakyPete||21:36:39|04/06/2019|The original clip%2C starring Sammy Davis%2C Jr.%2C is available on YouTube for those that may be interested. I don%27t think it%27s one of their better bits%2C to be honest.
9|3|6|||1||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|BobSchroeck||21:33:33|04/23/2019|%3EThe original clip%2C starring Sammy Davis%2C Jr.%2C is available on YouTube %0D%0A%3Efor those that may be interested. I don%27t think it%27s one of their %0D%0A%3Ebetter bits%2C to be honest. %0D%0A%0D%0AYou%27re probably right%2C but somehow it hooked into some part of the late 60s %5Bi%5Dzeitgeist%5B%2Fi%5D and became one of the show%27s most memorable catch phrases%2C along with %22You bet your sweet bippy%22%2C %22Sock it to me%22 and %22Look %5Bi%5Dthat%5B%2Fi%5D up in your Funk and Wagnall%27s%22.%0D%0A%0D%0AWhat%3F  Me%2C old%3F  Heavens%2C no.%0D%0A%0D%0A-- Bob%0D%0A-------------------%0D%0AMy race is pacifist and does not believe in war.  We kill only out of personal spite.
10|4|9|||||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|SneakyPete||16:09:42|04/28/2019|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Apr-28-19 AT 04:09 PM (EDT)]Didn%27t watch it first-run myself%2C but I am a %2Abig%2A fan of Laugh-In. Seriously%2C how can you %2Anot%2A love a show that had Richard Nixon on specifically to lampoon him%3F
5|1|0|||1||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|Gryphon||23:15:23|04/05/2019|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Apr-05-19 AT 11:15 PM (EDT)]I was talking with my father this evening about our various car adventures%2C and he corrected my memory on one point%3A the 1969 GTO Judge we had %5Bi%5Dwas%5B%2Fi%5D a real Judge%2C it just didn%27t have its correct power train.  The engine that was in it when we got it was the 350-horse 400 out of a %2769 Grand Prix%2C and the four-speed transmission it had came from something that wasn%27t even a Pontiac %28although it was a type that was fitted to GTOs of the same period%29.%0D%0A%0D%0AI regret the inadvertent slander and have corrected the original post to reflect that it was not a fake Judge%2C just one that had been modified in important ways not disclosed by the seller.  %28Dad also opined that%2C although there%27s no way of knowing now%2C he thinks it%27s quite likely that the guy he bought it from was also taken for a ride in that regard%2C and not deliberately scamming us himself.  He was%2C at least in Dad%27s memory%2C more clueless than shady.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D
7|1|0|||||RE%3A Car Adventures%3A Tempest|MuninsFire||01:37:48|04/07/2019|A thing I noticed today%3A on the steam market for car mechanic simulator 2018%2C someone has put together a package so you can have not just one The Judge%2C but three distinct types of The Judge show up in barns and such.