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0|0|0|||1||Car Adventures%3A The Other Other Pontiac|Gryphon||18:34:08|05/06/2022|When I first went back to college in 2010%2C I was still driving my Saab convertible%2C but it had some problems.  In particular%2C it had the strangest top leak I%27ve ever come across%2C in that the roof did not actually leak in the rain%2C but if you went to put it down %5Bi%5Dafter%5B%2Fi%5D it had rained%2C water would pour out of all the joints in the frame in a most disconcerting manner.  This problem defied diagnosis.  Multiple Saab dealers%27 service departments passed on even %5Bi%5Dtrying%5B%2Fi%5D to figure it out.%0D%0A%0D%0AEventually this and a failing clutch led to the car being parked outside my father%27s garage pending some sort of plan %28ultimately%2C the plan was to sell the car%2C which I still regret letting myself get talked into%29.  While it was parked%2C I was still commuting to campus every day %28online classes not really being a %5Bi%5Dthing%5B%2Fi%5D yet at the University of Maine at that time%29%2C so I was issued the Spare Car.%0D%0A%0D%0AI should probably explain for those who didn%27t grow up with this kind of thing.  Until quite recently%2C my father always had a Spare Car somewhere on the premises.  Sometimes it came from some relative or other for whom he%27d found a newer replacement and taken the old one off their hands.  Often it was just whatever car he%27d been driving prior to his current main car%2C since for most of his life he declined to trade in old cars when buying new%28-to-him%29 ones on general principles.%0D%0A%0D%0AIn this case it was the latter.  The car in question was a 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix%2C which started life as his wife%27s boss%27s company car.  Said boss bought the car for himself when its term of company service was up%2C then eventually sold it to Dad. By the time it came into my hands%2C it had something like 240%2C000 miles on it%2C but%2C amazingly%2C everything still worked.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt also had the oddest wheels of any car I%27ve ever had.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FG-GFX%2F04%2520grand%2520prix%2F04gpleft.jpg%0D%0A%5Bfont size%3D%221%22%5Dalas%21 that%27s the Saab in the background%5B%2Ffont%5D%0D%0A%0D%0AOn the driver%27s side%2C they look perfectly straightforward--five-spoke alloys with a sort of %22turbine%22 %28or possibly %22shuriken%22%29 style to them.  The thing is%2C Pontiac didn%27t bother making the version for the other side of the car...%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FG-GFX%2F04%2520grand%2520prix%2F04gpright.jpg%0D%0A%0D%0A... so over on that side%2C they%27re going backward.%0D%0A%0D%0AThose wheels were pretty %28apart from their odd directional quirk%29%2C but mechanically they were a mighty pain in the ass.  We used to take them off each fall and put on a set of steelies with snow tires on them%2C because it was easier than changing just the tires and it kept the fancy wheels out of the snow and salt.  The fall changover was always an ordeal%2C because those wheels really didn%27t want to come off the car.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd when they went back on in the spring... well%2C you know how owner%27s manuals always say to retighten the nuts on alloy wheels after the first 50 miles they%27ve been back on the car%3F  Well%2C I%27m not sure exactly what physical process happens with alloy wheels that makes that advisable%2C but the black Grand Prix was very%2C very subject to it for some reason. After the first spring changeover while I had it%2C one of the front wheels nearly fell off before I even made it home.  I ended up stopping at a fire station and borrowing their torque wrench.%0D%0A%0D%0AI also crashed it twice%2C both times in winter.  The first time was completely my fault.  I was on my way home from class one snowy night%2C and I had slowed down%2C but not enough.  I hit a patch of ice and the car slid dramatically sideways into the snowdrift thrown up by the plow at the side of the Interstate.  I was fine%2C and the car was mostly fine too%2C but it wasn%27t getting out of the snow without help and I couldn%27t get out of the car until it got out of the snow%2C because it was buried up to the bottoms of the windows.%0D%0A%0D%0AI called the State Police to report my situation%2C but before a trooper could arrive%2C a county sheriff%27s deputy happened to pass by and noticed the anomalous situation.  He summoned a tow truck and hung around until it came to pull the Pontiac out of the snow.  Nice fella%3B he even retrieved the torn-off driver%27s side ground effect and front inner fender from wherever they%27d ended up and tossed it in the back seat for me so I wouldn%27t have to get out and wade after it.%0D%0A%0D%0AApart from the ripped-off plastic%2C the car was undamaged.  I drove it to Dad%27s%2C and the next day he nailed it back together %28almost literally%3B for the rest of its life%2C you could clearly see the row of screw heads inside the inner fender where he%27d reattached it to the car%29.  There were a couple of big cracks in the plastic bits up front%2C but those don%27t do anything anyway%2C so we were back in business.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe second winter crash was stranger.  I was on my way home from the Camden Conference%2C a foreign-affairs conference held each February in the coastal town of Camden%2C which I had attended as part of a course for school.  It was snowing hard when I set out for home from Camden at around noon%2C one of those slushy days when the temperature isn%27t far below freezing%2C and I was being quite cautious as I drove along the coastal stretch of U.S. 1 between Camden and Belfast.  I couldn%27t have been going more than 30 or 35 miles per hour%2C on a road where the speed limit is 55%2C when the car just sort of... unhooked from the ground.%0D%0A%0D%0AI had no further input into the situation at that point%2C just riding along as the Pontiac executed a graceful 270-degree rotation and backed off the lefthand side of the road into the ditch.  This time I could actually get out%2C because the snow wasn%27t very deep there%2C but the car was once again not going anywhere without help.%0D%0A%0D%0AInfuriatingly%2C while I sat there waiting for the State Police %28occasionally turning the car on to wipe the fast-gathering snow off the windshield%2C then turning it off again so as not to gas myself%2C since the tailpipes were buried%29%2C traffic kept zooming past on Route 1 in both directions at speed%2C as if no weather was happening.  Pickup trucks%2C station wagons%2C hatchbacks%2C everybody zooming by%2C while I sat there just waiting for someone else to find the same patch of black ice I evidently had and come hurtling into the side of my car...  but no one ever did.%0D%0A%0D%0APresently a state trooper pulled up%2C and we both got out of our cars to survey the situation.  And here%27s the thing%3A the Pontiac was %5Bi%5Dperfectly perpendicular%5B%2Fi%5D to the road%2C neatly backed into a gap between a tree and someone%27s mailbox that was about six inches wider than the car.  It looked for all the world like someone had%2C deliberately and with some care%2C parked it there.  Like%2C in better weather%2C if the owner of that mailbox had wanted to sell a car%2C that%27s where he would have put it with a FOR SALE sign on it %28but perhaps a bit farther back from the road%29.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22Nice work putting it right there%2C though%2C%22 the trooper remarked%2C deadpan.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22I can%27t take credit for that%2C Sir Isaac Newton was driving%2C%22 I said%2C and he laughed.%0D%0A%0D%0APostscript%3A I sent the invoice for the tow truck from that incident to the Political Science department at the University%2C on the grounds that I wouldn%27t have been there if they hadn%27t made me go to Camden in February%2C but they didn%27t reimburse me.  I wasn%27t really expecting them to%2C I just thought it was funny.  At %2465%2C I estimate the owner made approximately %2410 per foot on that tow%2C since all he did was drag the Pontiac out of the ditch.%0D%0A%0D%0AIn spite of those incidents%2C the Pontiac served me well for a couple of years.  It wasn%27t without its faults%2C most of which it shared with all of the so-called %22four-door coupes%22 that carmakers have tried to do over the last 20 or so years.  The coupe-style roofline with four doors instead of two makes for very small door openings%2C and I%27m a very not-small guy%2C so there was a particular sort of personal origami required to get into and out of the car.  This trick never failed to astonish small children who saw me perform it in%2C e.g.%2C supermarket parking lots.  I was once asked to do it again because a particular little boy%27s %28absolutely mortified%29 mother had missed it the first time.%0D%0A%0D%0AOnce inside it%2C though%2C it was very comfortable.  Because it had started life as a company car for a branch manager of an oil supply company%2C it was a GT2%2C the fanciest Grand Prix trim level they made that year %28second in price only to the GTP%2C which was the version with the supercharged engine%2C but GTPs weren%27t as plush on the inside%29.  It thus had almost every option Pontiac offered%2C including heated leather seats%2C which were still a novelty item in 2004 on anything that didn%27t say %22Mercedes-Benz%22 on the back.  It had a head unit that could play cassettes AND compact discs.  I used to kid Dad when he bought it that you could tell someone else had originally ordered it%2C because he would never have bought a new car with any of that stuff in it.  This was the Cadillac of Pontiacs.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt was also the only car I%27ve ever seen with a calendar in it.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FG-GFX%2F04%2520grand%2520prix%2F04gpcal.jpg%0D%0A%0D%0AThat was the default screen for the trip computer %28which would also do all the usual trip computer things%2C like elapsed time and distance and a hilariously inaccurate distance-to-empty estimate%29.  We%27ve all seen cars with clocks%2C but the %2704 Grand Prix is the only one I%27ve had that would tell you what the date and day of the week were.  Note that it doesn%27t specify the year%2C even though%2C in order to make the day of the week come out right%2C it had to have a setting for same.%0D%0A%0D%0AOne of the things I really miss about that Pontiac is the gauge cluster color. It was all that shade of orange%2C which made the cockpit very soothing at night%2C because it meant the instrument lights didn%27t have to be very bright to be distinct.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FG-GFX%2F04%2520grand%2520prix%2F04gptraf.jpg%0D%0A%5Bfont size%3D%221%22%5Dthis picture wasn%27t taken at night%2C but you get the idea. also note the license plate of the car ahead%2C which was the main reason I took the picture%3B behold the world%27s only fully self-aware Camry driver%5B%2Ffont%5D%0D%0A%0D%0AAnother fun trick this car had was its speedometer. You%27ll note in the photo above that it doesn%27t have the usual second%2C smaller ring of markings calibrated in kilometers per hour.  Instead%2C if you pressed a particular button on the dash%2C the illuminated %22MPH%22 on the speedometer face would go out%2C %22km%2Fh%22 would light up instead%2C and the analog gauge would adjust itself accordingly.  If you did that while you were driving at highway speed%2C the needle would suddenly jump from 75 to 120%2C which was great fun if your passenger hadn%27t noticed you pressing the button.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe metric button was occasionally useful%2C because in those days%2C for convoluted reasons%2C I was seeing a dentist up in Canada%2C where they go for that sort of thing. On one of those trips%2C it was a very pleasant day%2C and I had nowhere else to be%2C so despite the fact that I%27d just had one of my lower molars completely rebuilt%2C I decided I would take the opportunity to go on a little field trip to a place I had always wanted to see.%0D%0A%0D%0AMany years ago%2C when I was a wee lad%2C I was poring over a map of Maine and its surroundings%2C as you do%2C when I noticed an arresting place name in the Canadian province of Qu%C3%A9bec.  Off in the woods north of the western of Maine%27s two northern %22horns%22%2C in between the Saint Lawrence River and Lake T%C3%A9miscouata%2C there%27s a town which rejoices in the name %22Saint-Louis-du-Ha%21 Ha%21%22 Exclamation points included. I had been meaning to go there for %5Bi%5Dyears%5B%2Fi%5D%2C since long before I could drive a car.  It suddenly and randomly occurred to me on that sunny summer day that I had plenty of daylight left%2C I was already in Canada%2C and I should finally go and see Saint-Louis-du-Ha%21 Ha%21%0D%0A%0D%0ASo I did%2C and here%27s the thing.  On a small-scale map%2C it looks like it%27s really not that far from Perth-Andover%2C New Brunswick%2C where my dentist%27s office was located%2C to Saint-Louis-du-Ha%21 Ha%21  It is%2C in fact%2C slightly more than a hundred miles.  Now that%27s not %5Bi%5Dsuper%5B%2Fi%5D far away%2C it%27s not like I randomly decided to drive to New Mexico%2C but still%2C it was farther than I thought it would be when I set off%2C and with the best will in the world%2C the Trans-Canada Highway in rural Qu%C3%A9bec and New Brunswick is not exactly Interstate 90 between Springfield and Schenectady.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt was worth it%2C though. Saint-Louis-du-Ha%21 Ha%21 is a tiny town in the woods without much to see or do%2C but it%27s very pretty countryside%2C and it does have points of interest.  There%27s an astronomical observatory there%2C and a nice little country-town pharmacy.  Like most towns in French Canada%2C it possesses a %5Bi%5Dcolossal%5B%2Fi%5D stone church%2C which looks like it could probably hold not only the town%27s entire population of 1%2C318 but also everyone who lives in the adjoining territories.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd%2C of course%2C me being me%2C I only took this one photo the whole time I was there.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FG-GFX%2F04%2520grand%2520prix%2Fsaintlouis.jpg%0D%0A%0D%0AIn my defense%2C by the time I actually reached the town%2C the anesthetic had worn off and I felt a bit like someone had hit me in the side of the face with a shovel.  I was also hungry and very thirsty%2C having been advised not to eat or drink for at least four hours after leaving the dentist%27s office%2C besides which%2C I had discovered earlier in the day that my credit union-issued debit card didn%27t work in Canada.  %28Luckily%2C I thought to fill up just before entering Canada%2C so I didn%27t need gas.%29  Aching and tired%2C I looked around%2C satisfied myself that I had seen what there was to see%2C and then headed back.%0D%0A%0D%0AI crossed back into Maine at Madawaska%2C almost exactly at the four-hour mark%2C and the first thing I saw after clearing Customs was a Tim Hortons donut shop.  Now%2C I%27ve had some tasty donuts in my life%2C but I have to say%2C the glazed chocolate donut I bought at that Tim Hortons late on that long afternoon may have been the single most delicious food item I have ever placed into my chewhole.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe moonshot Pontiac soldiered on for another couple of years of hard service%2C going back and forth between Millinocket and Orono every weekday%2C until--coincidentally enough%2C in my last semester as an undergraduate--it finally developed the habit of just... suddenly shutting off occasionally.  It only seemed to do so on the Interstate%2C and repeated attempts to diagnose it led nowhere.  All we%2C Mr. Goodwrench%2C and an independent mechanic ever seemed able to find was what %5Bi%5Dwasn%27t%5B%2Fi%5D causing it.  I think it was probably the engine management computer%2C but those are expensive%2C so we didn%27t buy one just to find out.  Instead%2C the car was semi-retired to %22just driving around town%22 duties and I moved on to the next chariot.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited  http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D