75||0|14905|3|yes 0|0|0|||1||Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||19:54:03|11/13/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-23-09 AT 01:18 AM (EST)]%5Bsmall%5D%5Bfont color%3D%22red%22%5DFYI%3A This is probably not going to be particularly funny - or even make much of any sense - to those of you who don%27t watch %28or just don%27t like%29 %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D. Sorry about that. The good news is%2C you can certainly get by without it when %5Bi%5DSymphony No. 5%5B%2Fi%5D continues%2C which is one of the reason it%27s a web bonus in the first place. For those of you who %5Bi%5Dare%5B%2Fi%5D interested in that kind of thing%2C the new series of %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D starts this Sunday on BBC2. Enjoy%21 --G.%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Fsmall%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bhr%5D%5Bhr%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bsmall%5D%5Bcenter%5DI have a message from another time...%0D%0A%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited%0D%0Apresents%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DUndocumented Features Future Imperfect%0D%0A- Symphony of the Sword No. 5 -%5B%2Fb%5D%0D%0A%0D%0ARoad Film %28With Fighting%29%0D%0A%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%0D%0A%0D%0A%A9 2009 Eyrie Productions%2C Unlimited%5B%2Fcenter%5D%5B%2Fsmall%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bhr%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%2F%2A The Art of Noise feat. the BBC Ethereophonic Orchestra%0D%0A%22Jessica %28Top Gear Theme 2408 Revised Edition%29%22 %2A%2F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D On tonight%27s %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D%3A James%27s monocle falls out%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DJAMES MAY%2C at the controls of a car with a red interior%2C looks down in astonishment at the instrument panel. Outside the windows%2C the background is going by... rather quickly.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D God in Heaven%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Richard does some chiropractery... on himself...%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DRICHARD HAMMOND%2C at the controls of... something %28it%27s not really clear what%2C as it%27s jouncing rhythmically up and down so violently that the camera%27s nearly come off its mounts%29%2C looks resigned.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28slightly garbled%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The ride quality%27s... not brilliant. If I%27m honest.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And I use the Force.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DJEREMY CLARKSON leans out of the passenger of a car to speak with an armored EARTHFORCE TROOPER%2C while THE STIG sits at the wheel looking straight ahead and MAY and HAMMOND try without much success to look inconspicuous and calm in the back.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hi. Um. These aren%27t the journalists you%27re looking for.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FUF%2FFI%2FGFX%2Ftgrf-title.jpg%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Studio.%5B%2Fb%5D CLARKSON stands in the middle of the studio floor.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hello%21 Hello and welcome to %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D. Now%2C I know you%27re all eager to see the film where we all get stuck on another planet where we%27re wanted criminals. You%27ve been hearing about it on the Internet for weeks and it all sounds jolly exciting. And it is%21 %5Btt%5D%28Smiles.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Which is why we%27re going to make you wait until after the news to see the first half of it%2C so you don%27t all watch it and then bugger off to watch %5Bi%5DSo You Think You Can Jarflbgzt%5B%2Fi%5D on channel 2%2C437.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DSTUDIO AUDIENCE groans.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D But in the meantime%2C here%27s James May with the %5Bi%5DAntiques Roadshow%5B%2Fi%5D%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D It%27s a foggy morning and we%27re treated to some arty shots of various bits of a large black car%2C never quite with the camera far enough back that we can tell what it is%3A a tail fin with integrated taillight%3B a narrow-slit headlamp%3B a massive chrome bumper stanchion%3B a whitewall tire mostly contained in a fender skirt%3B a badge depicting the scarlet rays of a half-risen sun in a golden sky over a chrome horizon.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Here in the twenty-fifth century%2C there are cars that have heart-wrenching beauty. There are cars that have eye-popping luxury. And there are cars that have jaw-dropping performance.%0D%0A%0D%0ABut in the twenty-%5Bi%5Dfirst%5B%2Fi%5D century%2C there was one car that was said to have all three.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe camera pans slowly across the rear of the car%3B at the righthand edge of the decklid a discreet chrome badge reads %5Bb%5DMk II%5B%2Fb%5D. CUT TO%0D%0A%0D%0AMAY stands next to a very long%2C very wide%2C very low black car. It has an ornate hood ornament in the shape of a mythic beast%2C half lion%2C half eagle%2C and the center of its imposing silver grille looks like a jet intake.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Here it is%3A a 2042 Sunrise Griffon Mark II. %5Btt%5D%28Holds up a finger.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D I know what you%27re thinking right now%2C too. You%27re thinking%2C %22Oh%2C here comes another glacial glide around the test track with Captain Slow%2C%22 but hold on. There%27s much more to this car than meets the eye. %5Btt%5D%28Turns and regards the car.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D And you have to admit that what does meet the eye is quite something.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DClimbs into the car.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D By modern standards%2C we might say there%27s something vaguely Neo-Soviet about the inside of this car%2C it%27s all... %5Btt%5D%28Gestures.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Red and brown leather and black Bakelite. It seems entirely at odds with what we think of as the usual design language of a Salusian car today. But there%27s a very good reason for that%3A This car was designed specifically to appeal to %5Bi%5Done particular man%2C%5B%2Fi%5D and he rather liked the whole Socialist Machine Deco thing. %5Btt%5D%28Sits with hands on wheel%2C looks around with satisfied smile.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D And so do I%2C actually. This is fantastic.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DPan around the cabin%2C which is extremely roomy and retro. The steering wheel is huge by modern standards%2C and emerges from a curved dash padded in brown leather that contrasts with the deep red of the seats. The instruments clustered above the base of the steering column are analog. A sleek center console contains a single video screen flanked by buttons and switches%2C all of them unmarked. The console ends in a simple but somehow indestructible-looking manual gearshift lever in between the two front seats.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It%27s time for the Griffon%27s first surprise. You%27ve no doubt noticed the manual gearshift. But when I turn the key... %5Btt%5D%28He does so%2C and the car fills with the unmistakable sound of a jet engine spinning up. MAY%27s face breaks into a delighted grin.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D It%27s a turbine%21 A turbine-driven car with a manual gearbox. No one else ever did that. And again%2C it was because this car was built with a specific person in mind.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DHe puts the car in gear and pulls away.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So by now you%27re thinking%2C %22Hold on%2C a man who the designers thought would be specifically drawn to a black car the size of a destroyer%2C with a red leather Socialist Realism interior and a manual gearbox on a turbine powerplant%3F That must be one seriously peculiar chap.%22 And you%27d be right. Because they %5Bi%5Dmade%5B%2Fi%5D this car for one of the founding Wedge Defenders.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DMontage.%5B%2Fb%5D A vintage clip of the Eight-Ball Squadron in action at an airshow in the 2030s%2C with particular attention paid to a shot of GRYPHON climbing out of Eight-Ball One on the flightline.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The year 2042 was the fiftieth anniversary of the founding of the Wedge Defense Force%2C and Sunrise - who are%2C as you may recall%2C coachbuilders by appointment to Her Majesty the Queen of Salusia - wanted to do a little something to commemorate the occasion. They%27d already built a car to order for the WDF%27s number-two man - here he is - one Benjamin Hutchins%2C a Valkyrie fighter pilot better known by his callsign%2C %22Gryphon%22. That car%2C built in 2017%2C was a one-off supercar affair%2C sort of a cross between a Pagani Zonda and an atomic bomb. We drove it on a previous version of this program and it was %5Bi%5Dbloody terrifying%5B%2Fi%5D. I%27m not joking%2C %5Bi%5DRichard Hammond%5B%2Fi%5D was afraid of it%2C and in his life he%27s owned ten Zondas %5Bi%5Dand%5B%2Fi%5D one atomic bomb. Though not all at the same time.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The black car cruising around the track in a sedate and poised sort of way.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY is driving casually%2C one hand on the wheel%2C while he exposits.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It was the first car Sunrise built with the %22Griffon%22 badge%2C though - spelled differently for reasons we don%27t need to get into right now - and so when they came to make this one%2C they retroactively decided that the terrifying Zonda-ish thing had been the Mark I%2C making this%2C officially%2C the Griffon Mark II.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt%27s a car that%27s hard to classify by modern standards. For a start%2C it%27s so big and long%2C and so obviously luxurious%2C that you%27d be tempted to call it a limousine - but look closer. It%27s only got two doors. This is a car that was intended to be driven %5Bi%5Dby%5B%2Fi%5D its owner%2C not %5Bi%5Dfor%5B%2Fi%5D him. It%27s the biggest coup%E9 I%27ve ever seen.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd once you%27re in here%2C at first glance it doesn%27t %5Bi%5Dlook%5B%2Fi%5D like it can really be much of a luxury barge. It%27s comfortable%2C yes - these might be the best seats in the history of motoring - but the console looks almost barren compared to today%27s S-class Mercedes-Benz%2C for example. But don%27t be fooled. That center display and the controls around it can do almost anything. It%27s a video telephone%3B it%27s a radar-assisted park-and-cruise system%3B it%27s the onboard management system for everything from the fusion turbine to the electromagnetohydrodynamic suspension to the inertia-damping brakes%3B it %5Bi%5Deven%5B%2Fi%5D controls the %5Bi%5Dweapons.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DMAY gives the camera a slightly dark sidelong grin.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s right. I said %22weapons%22.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D WEAPONS PODS deploy from the GRIFFON%27S front wings%2C showing off the muzzles of a pair of repeating blasters and the warheads of compact missiles. They remain out for a few seconds%2C then retract smoothly back into place.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Sadly%2C I can%27t demonstrate them for you because of some fiddly local regulation about the use of military-grade weapons on our test track%2C but I assure you%2C hand on heart%2C they are genuine and they do work. This car holds a Class One agent vehicle certification from the International Police Organization. And it isn%27t just weapons. It also has infrared and ultraviolet headlamp modes with adjustable filtration in the windscreen%2C full armor plating - this glass %5Btt%5D%28raps on side window%29%5B%2Ftt%5D isn%27t glass%2C it%27s the same material they make starfighter canopies out of - and something called %22ultrasonic terrain recognition%22%2C which I%27m not quite sure I understand but it sounds jolly good. %5Bi%5DAnd%5B%2Fi%5D it can do %5Bi%5Dthis.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DMAY reaches down and turns a knob near the video display.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The GRIFFON suddenly changes from black to a bright Ferrari-ish red.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY grins and turns the knob again.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The car changes from red to a medium blue.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY%2C grinning more widely%2C turns the knob again.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The car turns white.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D By default%2C there are six colors available - black%2C blue%2C red%2C yellow%2C white%2C and British racing green%2C which I have to say would be a bit ghastly with this interior. But never mind. If you%27re willing to go into the depths of the computer%27s menus%2C you can set it to any hexadecimal triplet you like. You could be the first person in history to have your car in %23B784A7. But I think it looks best in black%2C so let%27s have that back. %5Btt%5D%28Twiddles the knob.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd have another look round this cabin. It%27s beautiful%2C and beautifully laid out. These instrument pods - %5Btt%5D%28Pan around to show the twin shrouded instrument pods flanking the horizontal speedo.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D - tell me everything I need to know at a glance%2C and the icons and graphics are intuitive and attractive. And look at this wheel. When was the last time you saw a steering wheel with a horn ring%3F Stylish %5Bi%5Dand%5B%2Fi%5D functional. I love the little touches%2C too. I love the way the switches and dials around the computer console are unlabeled - the designers%27 attitude being%2C if you can%27t be bothered to remember what the controls in your own car do%2C that%27s your problem. And have I mentioned that this may be the best seat my arse has ever graced%3F%0D%0A%0D%0ARight. So it%27s luxurious%2C it%27s comfortable%2C and - weirdly - it%27s heavily armed. Those three things don%27t often go together. More often an armed spymobile is some rock-hard%2C biceps-bulging supercar%2C like James Bond%27s Aston Martin Vanguard. But at least at this speed%2C the Griffon doesn%27t feel particularly sporty - the ride isn%27t hard and there%27s no bite in the steering - so based on that you might be tempted to say%2C well%2C all right%2C then%2C it%27s a luxury coup%E9%2C like those weird KMW things with the roof that looks like it was nicked from another kind of car. But if that%27s the case%2C why has it got this manual gearbox%3F And why does this frankly handsome horizontal speedometer go to %5Bi%5Dtwo hundred and ninety-five%3F%5B%2Fi%5D Clearly%2C further investigation is in order.%0D%0A%0D%0A%2F%2A Toshihiko Sahashi%0D%0A%22Stand a Chance%22%0D%0A%5Bi%5DThe Big-O%5B%2Fi%5D OST %2A%2F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The GRIFFON suddenly surges forward%2C accelerating out of shot with no discernible increase in noise.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY looks down at the speedometer in astonishment.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D God in Heaven%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DCloseup. Griffon Mk II speedometer.%5B%2Fb%5D This shows the car accelerating from 40 mph to 120 in a surprisingly small number of seconds.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY looks from the speedo to the camera and then returns his eyes to the road%3B he works the wheel and looks faintly surprised when the car lunges around a corner instead of crashing.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The GRIFFON performs a series of increasingly-difficult-looking maneuvers with very little fuss or complaint%2C always remaining flat%2C smooth%2C and composed.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D In fact%2C a quick look at the original specifications sheet%2C which the researchers turned up after we filmed this piece%2C reveals that the Salusians built the Griffon Mark II almost entirely out of the kind of numbers that you think must be%2C but aren%27t%2C misprinted. Its fusion turbine powerplant develops %5Bi%5Dtwenty-five hundred%5B%2Fi%5D horsepower. It can get from zero to sixty in 2.3 seconds%2C and this is a car that%2C with its armored skin and weapons-grade chassis components%2C weighs nearly %5Bi%5Dten tons%5B%2Fi%5D. Flat-out it%27ll be touching 280 miles per hour. The tires have to be belted with terminium - the same material used in the casings of photon torpedoes - to keep them from bursting%2C and the compound has obscurium 290 in it%2C which gives the tread faces a very slight %5Bi%5Dgravity warp%5B%2Fi%5D. That%27s why they don%27t just spin when you put that astonishing power onto the road through them.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY pilots the car%2C both hands on the wheel now %28except when he%27s shifting gears%29. He looks absorbed and businesslike%2C but not overwhelmed.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It may seem to you%2C watching this%2C that I%27m not really going very fast - there%27s not a lot of that screaming-tire%2C cloud-of-smoke malarkey we usually get in these power test segments - but I promise you I am. If I were Jeremy Clarkson%2C I%27d have one hand on the top of the wheel%2C the other on the bottom%2C and I%27d be yelling POWEEEEERRRRRRR right now. And crashing into a tree. Even though there aren%27t any within a hundred yards of the track.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe thing is%2C even out at the limit like this%2C this car just doesn%27t make you work all that hard. You have to know what you%27re %5Bi%5Ddoing%5B%2Fi%5D%2C yes - that%27s why Jeremy would%27ve crashed by now - but it%27s... I don%27t know how to describe it%2C it%27s so %5Bi%5Dwell-mannered%5B%2Fi%5D. The car%27s so long and heavy that even with all this power it just %5Bi%5Dwill not%5B%2Fi%5D slide%2C but it doesn%27t %5Bi%5Dfeel%5B%2Fi%5D heavy. It feels %5Bi%5Dsolid%5B%2Fi%5D and %5Bi%5Dindestructible%5B%2Fi%5D. This is a car that gives you the confidence to do truly lunatic things with it%2C %5Bi%5Dand%5B%2Fi%5D has the talent to help you get away with them. %5Bi%5D%28Wipes a bit of sweat from his forehead.%29%5B%2Fi%5D And it%27s a good job it does both%2C because if it just did the first bit without the second it would be absolutely murderous.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd then%2C when you%27re done being mad... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The car hurtles out of the Hammerhead%2C the tightest bend on the track%2C and settles down to a calm%2C reasonable cruise.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%2F%2A Toshihiko Sahashi%0D%0A%22The Power to Believe Becomes Courage%22%0D%0A%5Bi%5DUltraman M%F6bius %26 the Ultra Brothers%5B%2Fi%5D OST %2A%2F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk. II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY sits back in the seat%2C one hand on the wheel again%2C and smiles.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D ... it%27s perfectly happy to turn back into a limousine. I%27ve met Transformers who weren%27t as versatile as this car.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The GRIFFON cruises off down the main straight.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So there you have it. It%27s incredibly fast%3B it%27s incredibly well-mannered%3B it%27s practically indestructible%3B it%27s got more toys than Santa%27s sleigh%3B it%27s beautiful%3B it%27s comfortable%3B it%27s classy%3B and it runs on water. Built nearly 400 years ago by an alien people still relatively new to carmaking%2C as an anniversary present for one very odd Earthman%3A the perfect car.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DWipe to black%5B%2Fb%5D on the flourish at the end of the music track.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Studio.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY and CLARKSON stand near the front of the GRIFFON%2C which is parked near the COOL WALL.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D James... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Yes%2C Jeremy.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I couldn%27t help noticing that the custom color you suggested was %5Bi%5Dopera mauve%5B%2Fi%5D. You do know that%27s the Greater Rigel Sector Co-Prosperity Sphere international danger color%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C it should be%2C don%27t you think%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It%27s a fair point. %5Btt%5D%28Skeptically.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D The perfect car%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I think so. One thing I didn%27t mention in that film is its incredible longevity. This car was built in 2042%2C and I suppose you think it%27s been dragged out of a barn in pieces at some point and painstakingly restored at enormous expense.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That would be the usual thing.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It would%2C but not in this case. This one is serial number 007%2C the very first one built that wasn%27t an engineering test article%2C and it went straight to the man himself.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Who%2C Gryphon%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Yes. Now%2C I happen to know that this car%2C when the WDF fell apart in 2288%2C passed through the hands of several collectors who kept it very discreetly under wraps - %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C they%27d have had to%2C at that point.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Quite right - until public interest in the whole affair died down and nobody was interested in the old Wedge Defenders%27 cars%2C of all things. It finally ended up at one of those upscale used car dealers in Eleanor City on Meizuri%2C where a member of Gryphon%27s own crew found it in 2380 and bought it back for forty-eight hundred credits. Now%2C bear in mind it had sat for nearly a century with hardly any attention paid to it at all. Do you know how many bits of it had gone wrong in all that time%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh%2C not more than a hundred and seventy-fourteen%2C I should think. That%27s 92 years.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28triumphantly%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D One.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28astonished%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D ONE%3F%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The front near side tire was down six PSI. And that was all.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You%27re joking.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D No. That%27s all that was wrong with it. Well%2C it was dirty%2C and the interior had gotten a bit tatty%2C but all the mechanical and electronic systems worked fine. Just one of its tires had gone slightly flat.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s simply astonishing. %5Btt%5D%28Shakes head.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D No%2C I%2C it says in the script that I%27m supposed to harass you at this point%2C but I just can%27t. It%27s a fantastic car. I%27ve always thought so%2C actually. I remember when they first appeared. Always%2C always wanted one.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D There%27s one on eBay right now%2C actually. I looked last night.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28perking up%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D How much do they want for it%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28matter-of-factly%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Twenty-five point five million credits.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DCLARKSON looks astonished.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D They %5Bi%5Dhave%5B%2Fi%5D appreciated in value somewhat since 2380.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DCLARKSON recovers his aplomb with visible effort.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Uh%2C right%21 Well. Then I guess we shall have to be %5Bi%5Dvery careful%5B%2Fi%5D as we find out how fast this one will go around our track. And that might be a tall order%2C since of course that means handing it over to our tame racing driver. Some say he has %5Bi%5Dalso%5B%2Fi%5D been sold for 25 million credits on eBay%2C and that he sees %5Bi%5Deverything%5B%2Fi%5D in shades of international danger mauve. All %5Bi%5Dwe%5B%2Fi%5D know is%2C he%27s called the Stig.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The GRIFFON accelerates away from the line as if being pulled by an invisible magnetic beam.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It really is like a top-flight assassin%2C this car. No wheelspin%2C no Italian-waiter histrionics%2C it just listens politely while you tell it what you want and then it quickly and efficiently makes it happen. Coming down to the first corner now - look how %5Bi%5Dflat%5B%2Fi%5D that is%21 If there%27s one thing I could say against the Mark II it%27s that it doesn%27t make a very exciting noise%2C but that%27s because it doesn%27t really make any noise at all%21 Through Chicago%2C it%27d almost be boring if I didn%27t know from experience how fast he just took that corner.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D THE STIG driving.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%2F%2A Journey%0D%0A%22Higher Place%22%0D%0A%5Bi%5DArrival%5B%2Fi%5D %282001%29 %2A%2F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh dear. Bit of a musical departure for the Stig today%2C possible he%27s trying to kiss up to our guest.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The GRIFFON lunges up to and around the Hammerhead.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D To the Hammerhead%2C this corner should give a big heavy car like this some problems - but the Griffon%27s not having a bit of it%21 Tail stepping out just the tiniest bit on the exit%2C Stig having no problem at all keeping it under control. Down to the follow-through%2C in a moment we%27ll get a much better perspective on just how fast this car truly is - %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe GRIFFON streaks past the fixed camera position at the TIRES and blows the camera clean off its mountings with its slipstream%3B it falls to the ground and stares up into the sky%2C rocking gently.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D WHOOF%21 He%27s taken out the %5Bi%5Dcamera%21%5B%2Fi%5D Careful%2C Stig%2C that%27s a 25-million-credit car%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Griffon Mk II cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D THE STIG%2C still driving%2C entirely unflustered by his close encounter with the TIRES. The song has reached the bridge.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The GRIFFON approaches the penultimate corner.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Two corners left%2C all he has to do is keep it together now%2C this is shaping up to be a %5Bi%5Dvery%5B%2Fi%5D quick lap. This is undoubtedly the %5Bi%5Dheaviest%5B%2Fi%5D car we%27ve ever put round here%2C it%27s almost half the weight of a scout Destroid%2C but does it seem bothered%3F I think not. Come on%2C Stiggy%2C only Gambon left - I%27ve never %5Bi%5Dseen%5B%2Fi%5D a car take that corner so flat - and across the line%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Studio.%5B%2Fb%5D The Power Board has been moved into position next to the GRIFFON%2C while MAY and CLARKSON flank it.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I have the time here. You%27re not going to believe this. This three-hundred-and-sixty-eight-year-old%2C ten-ton%2C ultra-comfortable%2C heavily-armed %5Bi%5Dline-of-battle car%5B%2Fi%5D did it... in %5Bi%5Done minute. %5Bb%5DDead.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DStunned silence in the studio.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D ... You%27re %5Bi%5Djoking.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I%27m not. %5Btt%5D%28Slaps the time tape onto the top of the board%3B turns to point at the GRIFFON.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D That is the fastest car %5Bi%5Dever%5B%2Fi%5D to lap the %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D circuit.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DBelated but enthusiastic applause as the audience shakes off its shock.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I think it%27s safe to say that they really %5Bi%5Ddon%27t%5B%2Fi%5D make them like that any more.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DMore applause. Pan around to the News area%2C where RICHARD HAMMOND is already in his accustomed seat.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And now the news. The Internet has just exploded thanks to the time that car posted. Video signal experts have confirmed that we both faked and DIDN%27T fake that lap%3B there are reports from Salusia that the Mark II will be re-entering production next year%2C in two years%2C and never%3B and despite the fact that 999 were made%2C 10%2C482 people have just joined the Griffon Mark II Owners%27 Club.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DMAY and CLARKSON take their seats.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Good God%2C is there actually such a club%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D No. But if there were%2C nobody in it would actually have one.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C yes. %5Bi%5DObviously.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It%27s funny you should mention the Mark II coming back into production%2C though%2C Hammond.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh%3F You mean it is%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D No. Not as far as I know. But they %5Bi%5Dare%5B%2Fi%5D planning to make a %5Bi%5Dnew%5B%2Fi%5D one. It%27ll be the first car with the Griffon badge that Sunrise had made in nearly 150 years%2C it%27s to commemorate Gryphon%27s 2380 acquittal - you know%2C when he was accused of being the Butcher of Musashi... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28patiently%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Yes%2C James. It %5Bi%5Ddid%5B%2Fi%5D appear in a few of the more obscure newspapers.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That was a bit of carefully disguised exposition for the viewers%2C y%27halfwit.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Sorry. Carry on.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Anyway%2C it%27s to commemorate the 30th anniversary of that event%2C ask your mum and dad if you don%27t know what I%27m on about%2C it%27s to be called the Mark IX%2C it%27ll be available in the fall%2C and%2C well%2C here it is.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe hosts regard the image of a car that has appeared on the monitor.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D James%2C that%27s a 1970s Jaguar XJ-S.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I congratulate you on your perspicacity%2C sir. It is indeed - where is it - %5Bi%5D%28consults notes%29%5B%2Fi%5D - %22styled to hearken back to the classic Jaguar grand touring cars of the late 20th century.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %5Bi%5DHearken back%5B%2Fi%5D%2C it %5Bi%5Dis%5B%2Fi%5D an XJ-S%21 Look%2C there%27s the buttresses%2C and the enclosed headlamps - I mean%2C it just is. Is that - that%27s even a leaping jaguar hood ornament.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C yes%2C the styling is - but underneath the skin%2C which I should note was officially licensed from Jaguar%2C it%27s completely different. For one thing%2C it%27ll be built by Salusian engineers%2C not resentful communists in the Midlands. For another%2C it has a smaller version of the same turbine that%27s in the Mark II we just saw%2C but the car%27s lighter%2C so it should even out. That %5Bi%5Dalso%5B%2Fi%5D has an IPO Class One certification.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Does it have rocket launchers%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Of course.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Can it change colors%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Yes.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Want one. Want one very much.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D How much is it going to cost%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C they say it%27ll only be available through the IPO%27s special agent procurement process at first%2C but... I dunno%2C how much does one of those Newport Ph%E6tons they drive in the Experts of Justice cost%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D 150%2C000 credits%3F Or thereabouts.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I expect it%27ll be somewhere in that range.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %5Bi%5DWant%5B%2Fi%5D one %5Bi%5Dso%5B%2Fi%5D much.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D How many are they making%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It says here %22no final production figure has been fixed.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D As soon as we%27re finished here I%27m ringing Gryphon. He owes me.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D For %5Bi%5Dwhat%3F%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Can%27t discuss it on camera.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D ... Right. Anyway. There%27s more news%2C but I%27m getting the distinct impression that if we keep teasing the studio audience we%27re going to have an uprising on our hands%2C so maybe we should%2C er%2C save it for next week. %5Btt%5D%28Looks around nervously.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28briskly%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Right. As most of you will have heard by now%2C we got into a spot of trouble recently%2C on the planet Tau Ceti IV. Now%2C we %5Bi%5Dwent%5B%2Fi%5D to Tau Ceti IV for three reasons. One%2C we%27d heard that the new government was forward-looking and progressive. Two%2C they%27d just had their presidental elections and the entire planet was said to be in a party mood. And three%2C there were reputed to be some excellent driving roads in the countryside some distance from the capital city.%0D%0A%0D%0AUnfortunately%2C we arrived at almost %5Bi%5Dexactly%5B%2Fi%5D the wrong moment... and%2C well%2C watch and see.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DPan to one of the television monitors%2C where the logo is replaced by the beginning of a prerecorded film.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Night. A spaceport.%5B%2Fb%5D CLARKSON%2C MAY%2C and HAMMOND emerge from a boarding walkway onto the concourse%2C carrying suitcases and talking amongst themselves.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D In the old days%2C what you saw on television would%27ve been... well%2C bollocks%2C if you want to be brutally honest about it. Or a carefully crafted illusion%2C as I%27m sure the industry people would rather have put it at the time. What looked like three blokes crashing haplessly around some foreign land%2C having a big adventure%2C was really about twenty people - the three presenters%2C a director%2C a producer or two%2C at least one cameraman%2C at least one sound engineer%2C a couple of production assistants%2C and that%27s not even counting local fixers%2C guides%2C and the inevitable chap from the nearest BBC field office - all diligently engaged in the intricate business of Making Television.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DOne of the CAMERA DRONES%2C a tiny repulsorlifted device no bigger than%2C and bearing a passing resemblance to%2C a bionic eyeball%2C turns to show its reflection in the window that looks out onto the spaceport apron. In the distance%2C a spaceliner shuttle taxis for takeoff.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Nowadays%2C though%2C thanks to the miracles of semi-autonomous camera drones and cybernetic expert-system editing suites%2C what you see on Sunday evening really is pretty much what happened%3A just the three of us out in the galaxy somewhere%2C cocking about.%0D%0A%0D%0AThat was the way the Tau Ceti piece was made. It was the only way the Tau Ceti piece %5Bi%5Dcould%5B%2Fi%5D be made. The BBC wouldn%27t have agreed to mount the old style of expedition to a place like Tau Ceti%2C not now. No one was really expecting what happened%2C per se%2C but there was always the possibility that something might go wrong with Tau Ceti%27s fragile independence%2C and every member of BBC staff%2C ourselves included%2C was a wanted criminal in the nation that completely surrounded it - the Earth Alliance.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Night. Paved area near the spaceport%27s main terminal.%5B%2Fb%5D The hosts are putting their bags into three sleek cars%2C types indistinguishable in the dark. As the voiceover continues%2C we see them driving through an unfamiliar city%2C consulting their onboard navigation systems%2C and then parking in the garage of the Hotel Metropole.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So it was just the three of us who arrived in Tau City that night. We flew commercial%2C aboard Salusian Spaceways Corporation%27s regularly scheduled service from Babylon 6. We had just enough time to collect our test cars from the cargo port%2C find our hotel%2C stop by the pub%2C and get a few hours%27 sleep before it was time to go in search of our first destination. We didn%27t watch the BBC Galactic Service%27s news broadcast before setting off that morning. There wasn%27t time.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Hotel parking garage exit.%5B%2Fb%5D Three cars%2C a LAMBORGHINI HECHICERO%2C an AZTECHMOTORS TLALOC%2C and a KMW 5575F%2C leave the garage and drive away to the east.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D If we had%2C maybe we%27d have had some inkling of what was about to happen%2C though I%27m not sure what we would have done differently if we had known. %5Btt%5D%28beat%2C then cheerfully%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Possibly nothing%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%2F%2A W.A. Mozart%0D%0AViolin Concerto No. 3 in G%2C K.216%0D%0AIII. Rondo %28Allegro%29 %2A%2F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Montage.%5B%2Fb%5D The three cars are shown being driven vigorously around a complex of beautifully surfaced%2C winding roads along a high seacoast%3B it%27s a beautiful day%2C not a cloud in the sky. Glimpses inside the cars show that all three presenters are having a good time%2C though HAMMOND%2C in the TLALOC%2C keeps eyeing one of the gauges a bit nervously.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We knew more or less the conclusion we were going to reach about the cars already. Just from the drive to the coast road I knew that I was going to moan about how the Lambo was technically brilliant but lacked sufficient lunacy. James was going to moan about how the KMW was brutal and lacked sophistication. And the Aztech was going to break down.%0D%0A%0D%0AStill%2C it was a beautiful day and a beautiful road%2C we%27d had a nice time in Tau City the night before%2C and we were looking forward to more of the same when we were done larking about%2C making pithy statements to camera%2C and having the Tlaloc towed.%0D%0A%0D%0AUntil...%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Lamborghini cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D CLARKSON steers around a tight bend%2C grinning.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It is fast%2C though. %5Bi%5DBoy%5B%2Fi%5D is it - %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DHe%27s interrupted as the car%27s radio suddenly emits a high-pitched attention tone.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DVoice on radio%3A%5B%2Fb%5D This is the Tau Ceti Defense Force Emergency Communications System. The Republic of Tau Ceti is under attack. All civilian personnel should - %5Btt%5D%28Static.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DNew voice on radio%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Your attention please. This planetary system is now under Earthforce emergency administration. Please remain calm. Earth Alliance forces are here to restore lawful order to the Tau Ceti Territory. Please comply with all instructions given by Earthforce and Ministry of Peace personnel. You will not be harmed in any way.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Bloody %5Bi%5Dhellfire%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Coast road.%5B%2Fb%5D CLARKSON heaves the LAMBO to the side of the road. MAY and HAMMOND pull up on either side of him%2C get out of their cars%2C and lean in the windows on both sides of the LAMBO.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Did you hear that%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D No%2C my radio%27s packed up. What the hell%27s going on%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DCLARKSON holds up a hand for quiet%2C fiddling with the radio with the other.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Just - just shut up a second%21 Let me see if I can get the Galactic Service on this thing.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe radio%27s faceplate displays BBC GALACTIC SERVICE%2C but all that comes out is weird flangey static. CLARKSON growls in frustration and keeps trying to tune something in.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Jammed. They must have a PCV in orbit already.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D A what%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Perimeter Control Vessel. It%27s what the Earthforce navy call their interdictors.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D How do you know things like that%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hold on%2C hold on%2C I%27ve got something.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DAnother voice on radio%3A%5B%2Fb%5D - is InterStellar News Network broadcasting live from Tau City%2C where the brave soldiers of the Earthforce Marine Corps are even now wresting Government Center from the renegade government of the dictator Charles Kallon.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Dictator%3F%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DISN reporter%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Though most of the capital city has been taken without incident%2C citizens are advised to remain in their homes for now%2C as some local law enforcement or militia personnel may still be loyal to the deposed dictator. Additionally%2C it is believed that professional insurrectionists with ties to the so-called %22International Police%22 are still on-world following their part in the recent sham elections with which Kallon tried to legitimize his power grab. Earthforce and MiniPax personnel are presently engaged in tracking down and neutralizing these outside agitators.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I don%27t like the sound of that.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Old %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D base on Earth.%5B%2Fb%5D The presenters and a few studio crew members are shown making a run for it just ahead of the Earthforce unit sent to secure them during the 2406 Earth crackdown%2C being rescued by THE STIG%2C and escaping.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Richard had good reason to be nervous. Our long-standing connections with people not on Earthdome%27s Christmas card list had nearly gotten us arrested during the Crackdown of 2406%2C and our activities since then had done nothing to endear us to the Dome. I had gone on Network 23 the day after our escape and given them all a damn good telling-off on behalf of the BBC-in-exile%3B Richard had made an episode of %5Bi%5DShould I Worry About%5B%2Fi%5D exploring William Clark%27s dubious agenda now that he was a Federation Senator%3B and James had actually returned to Earth once%2C covertly%2C in order to steal back a few items that the Dome had captured from the %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Technology Centre. And then we showed %5Bi%5Dthat%5B%2Fi%5D on television as well.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Lamborghini cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D On the other hand%2C maybe they aren%27t looking for us. I mean%2C we only just arrived yesterday. And all that was years ago. Surely Earthforce have better things to do than nurse a grudge against three blokes off a television program about cars.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DISN reporter%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Loyal citizens of Tau Ceti are particularly advised to be on the lookout for the presenters of the subversive BBC television program %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D%2C who were last spotted near the Eastern Coast Road this morning. The three men are wanted in connection with numerous acts of disloyalty and sedition%2C and should be considered armed and dangerous. If you see them%2C do not approach. Report the sighting to your local MiniPax liaison officer.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Or not.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Coast Road.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY looks up at the clear blue sky%2C noting the appearance of some fine contrails at high altitude.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Chaps%3F We%27d better get out of here.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DMAY and HAMMOND run to their cars%3B all three start up%2C back out%2C and after a few moments%27 confusion%2C go tearing off down the road. A short distance down%2C though%2C the TLALOC starts sputtering%2C emits a cloud of white smoke%2C and then glides quietly to the side of the road.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The Tlaloc%2C having overheard that a crisis was afoot%2C responded in the time-honored Aztechmotors tradition%3A It panicked and broke down immediately.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInd. Day. Tlaloc cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D Hammond tries to start the car again%2C but nothing happens.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Guys%2C I%27ve lost power. It%27s just completely dead.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on comlink%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hurry up and get in with James%2C then.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Coast Road.%5B%2Fb%5D HAMMOND jumps aboard the KMW%2C which doesn%27t completely stop to pick him up.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. KMW cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28slightly breathless%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Now what do we do%3F If we go back to Tau City they%27ll catch us for sure.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D There%27s a Tau Ceti Defense Force base a few miles further down the coast. If Earthforce started with the capital%2C they might not have been overrun yet.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on comlink%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I haven%27t got any better ideas.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I just love that your car%27s satnav system knows where all the military bases are.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It%27s Klingon. These things are important to them.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Coast Road.%5B%2Fb%5D The two cars make good time%2C their drivers having thrown all regard for the traffic laws to the wind.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D This was actually a fair test of our cars%27 capabilities in a genuine crisis situation. The Lamborghini was fast%2C agile%2C with superior roadholding qualities%3B the bigger%2C heavier KMW was actually a little bit %5Bi%5Dfaster%5B%2Fi%5D%2C and its build quality gave it a very reassuring sense of indestructibility. And the Aztech was broken and useless.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe cars round a corner. In the distance a group of EARTHFORCE MARINES can be seen setting up a portable roadblock.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Lamborghini cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D CLARKSON looks aghast.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Uh-oh. Guys%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. KMW cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY sets his jaw.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Tuck in behind me. Whatever happens%2C don%27t stop.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DHe puts his foot down. HAMMOND blinks at him in astonishment.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Coast Road.%5B%2Fb%5D The LAMBO slides into a tight trailing formation behind the KMW%2C which is accelerating toward the roadblock. A MARINE holds up his hand for the KMW to halt%2C but is ignored.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. KMW cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY%2C a furious scowl on his face%2C drives straight toward the roadblock -%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Coast Road.%5B%2Fb%5D - ignoring the flurry of ill-aimed blasterfire this draws%2C and smashes it down with the KMW%27s bumper.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. KMW cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D HAMMOND hides behind the dash%2C occasionally glancing at MAY as if he thinks he%27s gone insane.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %28shouting in Klingon%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Bb%5DSubtitle%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Honorless dogs%21 Make way for Captain Slow%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D James had taken his car%27s warrior spirit fully to heart.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Coast Road.%5B%2Fb%5D The Lambo darts through the gap made by the KMW%27s crash%3B the MARINES are so stunned by what%27s just happened that they can manage only cursory chase fire%2C though one of them can be seen to activate his comlink. WIPE TO%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. TCDF base.%5B%2Fb%5D The cars arrive at the gates of a smallish military facility that seems to consist of one large hangar and an administration building. The gates of the perimeter fence have been knocked down%2C but there%27s no one around.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We found the Defense Force base deserted. Earthforce had come through and arrested the personnel%2C but either hadn%27t had the manpower to occupy the base or just didn%27t care.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe cars pull around to the back of the admin building%2C where they can%27t be seen from the road%2C and the presenters get out to confer on what to do next.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I think this is as far as we dare drive those cars. Every Earthforce trooper on the planet will be looking for them now.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D At least we got through that roadblock%2C thanks to %5Bi%5DDahar%5B%2Fi%5D Master May here.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %28replies in Klingon%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Bb%5DSubtitle%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Ten thousand throats can be cut in one night by a man on a motorbike.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Uh%2C right. Whatever you say%2C mate.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DCLARKSON looks like something%27s just occurred to him.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D They%27ve left the hyperwave dish intact%2C look.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DHe points. Sure enough%2C the HWC dish is still on the roof of the admin building%2C apparently unharmed. The presenters look at each other%2C then hurry toward the building.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Since James has a starship master%27s certificate%2C he knew how to work a hyperwave set%2C so we gave him the task of calling for help.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. TCDF base comm shack.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY is at the controls of the HW set%2C trying to call for help.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Mayday%2C mayday%2C mayday. Is anyone receiving%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DVoice on radio%3A %28through jamming static%29%5B%2Fb%5D IPO Emergency Dispatch. What%27s your emergency%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Uhm... %5Btt%5D%28Hesitates%2C wondering quite how to summarize the situation.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28shouting%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D WE%27RE TRAPPED ON TAU CETI AND EARTHGOV WANTS US DEAD%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D ... Actually%2C Jezza%27s summed it up pretty well%2C Dispatch.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DVoice on radio%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Roger%2C understand. Sit tight%2C gentlemen%2C help is on the way. Recommend you power down your HW before Earthforce notices you%27re on the air.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Twilight. TCDF base.%5B%2Fb%5D The camera slowly pulls back as the sun sets.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D They couldn%27t tell us much of anything more than that%2C for fear that Earthforce might overhear%2C but we got the impression that the IPO was planning a counterinvasion%2C and that rescuing us had been added to the list of boxes they%27d have to tick when they got here. In the meantime%2C all we could do was try to make ourselves as comfortable as possible... and wait.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28from inside%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hey%2C the cooker still works. Who%27s hungry%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DFADE TO %5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Studio.%5B%2Fb%5D CLARKSON and HAMMOND stand near the INDESTRUCTIBLE TOYOTA.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28with overacted eagerness%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The suspense is killing me%2C Jeremy. Did we escape from Earthforce or not%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s an excellent question%2C Richard. You%27ll just have to wait for the rest of the film to find out.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Why %5Bi%5Ddo%5B%2Fi%5D we do this with the films%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28shaking head%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I don%27t know. But I do know it%27s time to put a star in our reasonably priced car%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Ooh%2C nice transition.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Thank you. My guest tonight is... well%2C there%27s no other word for it%2C she%27s a superstar. She%27s a cult film heroine%2C a respected composer%2C she%27s directed the BBC Ethereophonic Orchestra%2C she masterminded the current version of this very program%27s theme tune%2C and she leads the best rock band in the galaxy today. And it%27s not just me that thinks so%2C that last point is the %5Bi%5Done thing%5B%2Fi%5D upon which my twelve-year-old daughter and I currently agree. Ladies and gentlemen%2C please welcome Miss Kaitlyn Hutchins%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DAudience applauds. KAITLYN%2C smartly dressed and carrying her zatoichi%2C crosses the hangar with SERGE trotting nonchalantly at her side. They meet CLARKSON by the TV%3B he reacts with slightly exaggerated surprise at the sight of the tiger%2C embraces KAITLYN with a kiss on each cheek%2C then waves her to a seat and sits down opposite her. SERGE appears to consider getting up on the couch next to her%2C but thinks better of it and settles in at her feet instead.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hello%21 Welcome%21 D%27you know%2C I%27m quite sure this is the first time anyone%27s brought a tiger into our studio.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C now you know why I don%27t bother with bodyguards.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Having seen you fight on film%2C I%27d always assumed it was because you didn%27t want to surround yourself with bumbling amateurs.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Thank you%2C Jeremy. That%27s sweet. But no%2C really%2C it%27s just because I%27ve never felt they were necessary.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D In the company you keep%2C I should say not.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28laughing%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C that%27s part of it%2C but - it%27s hard to explain. I live in New Avalon. People there are different about... it sounds egotistical%2C but they%27re different about what we might call fame. If you%27re somebody people recognize from the movies or wherever%2C they don%27t get... they%27re not %5Bi%5Dpushy%5B%2Fi%5D about it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D They let you get on with your life.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Exactly. I can walk down the street from where I live and do my grocery shopping at the Tesco on the corner%2C and nobody will make a big deal about it. It causes problems sometimes%2C actually%2C because when we%27re out on tour I%27ll forget I%27m not in New Avalon and do that%2C and... well%2C let%27s just say it%27s not quite the same scene on%2C say%2C Corellia.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28wincing%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Ooh. Yes%2C I can see that%2C especially there. Or on New Japan%2C I dare say. Whenever we take %5Bi%5DTop Gear Live%5B%2Fi%5D to New Japan they swarm Richard Hammond like piranha. James and I throw him out of the limousine and make our escape while they%27re tearing off all his clothes.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28nodding%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D New Japan is the only place where I%27ve ever had something of mine actually stolen by a fan.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What was it%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D A hat. Some guy just ran up%2C snatched it right off my head%2C and ran off.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D How%27d he ever manage to get away with that%3F I mean%2C anybody who tried to do that to Zatoichi would end up missing a %5Bi%5Dhand.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28laughing%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D My hands were full. I suppose I could%27ve caught him and made him give it back%2C but it didn%27t seem worth escalating the situation like that. Anyway%2C I know it was stolen by a fan because it showed up on the Web about two hours later. I was back at the hotel telling the rest of the gang what happened and one of our roadies looked up from her laptop and said%2C %22Was it your Knights cap%3F Some kid in New Roppongi has it. He%27s already bragging about it on alt.fan.artofnoise.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Was he selling it%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D No%2C just bragging that he had it. Some teenage kid. Shiori dug up his address and Moose went down before the next show to ask for it back. Very politely.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28looking impressed%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s your bass player. Who%27s from Hoffman%2C if I remember correctly.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You do.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I%27m guessing you got your hat back.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I did%2C yes. But then I felt bad about scaring the poor kid half to death%2C so I signed it and gave it back after the show. %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Now%2C you see%2C that%27s nice. You%27re simply a nicer person than I am%2C that%27s all. I wouldn%27t do that for some yob who stole my hat. I%27d have told him %22get a bloody job%2C buy your own hat.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D He was actually a pretty good kid. Some of his friends dared him to do it. Peer pressure%27s a terrible thing.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I have to ask - I%27ve been trying to think of a graceful way of asking this%2C but I%27ve had to conclude that there really isn%27t one.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28seeming amused%2C like she knows what%27s coming%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Go ahead%2C ask.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D This is actually the first television interview you%27ve ever given%2C isn%27t it%3F Until very recently you didn%27t ever speak to the press.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s true. Didn%27t deliver my own dialogue in movies%2C either. Well%2C %22didn%27t%22%2C %5Bi%5Dcouldn%27t%5B%2Fi%5D. Not if you wanted the movie to be over in two hours%2C anyway.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You had a terrible stammer%2C didn%27t you%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Mm-hmm. My student file at my first high school actually described it as %22a stutter of epic proportions%22. A bit tactless%2C but I can%27t fault it for inaccuracy. With family and friends I could get by - just - but talking to people I didn%27t know%2C I was almost completely unintelligible.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What happened%3F If you don%27t mind my asking.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I don%27t mind%2C but the truth is I don%27t know exactly. It%27d been getting slowly better for several years%2C and then I spent most of last summer on Ishiyama%2C working at Kanzaki Studios. Sumire Kanzaki was a great stage actress before she became a movie star - still is one%2C that makes it sound like she isn%27t any more - and we spent a lot of time talking about elocution and how our voices work. It actually started with her wanting %5Bi%5Dme%5B%2Fi%5D to teach %5Bi%5Dher%5B%2Fi%5D how to be a better singer - she%27s been in umpteen hundred musicals but she has some odd idea that her singing voice is weak - and one thing led to another and there we were in Czechoslovakia. %5Btt%5D%28Shrugs.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D It%27s not completely gone%2C I have to concentrate. If I was very t-tired right now - there%2C you see%3F - you%27d be able to tell easily that I%27m holding it back. It%27s quite a new thing to be able to just talk in public like this. None of us is used to it yet. Azalynn and Moose still do most of the talking at gigs just from force of habit. %5Btt%5D%28Pauses%2C looking thoughtful.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D And I think that%27s the longest speech I%27ve ever made with strangers in the room.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C you%27d have fooled me completely. That%27s wonderful.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DApplause.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28blushing slightly%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Thanks.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Speaking of Kanzaki Studios%2C I%27ve heard a rumor that Sumire wants you to direct more than just the music for one of her films.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Ah. Hm. I%27m not sure I can talk about that yet%2C actually - %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DA mobile telephone rings%2C which draws a laugh from the audience%2C since the ringtone is the theme from %5Bi%5DProfessor Enigma%5B%2Fi%5D. KAITLYN looks surprised.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Sorry%2C I thought I%27d turned that off. How rude. %5Btt%5D%28She answers it.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Hello%3F Oh%2C hello. Yes. Are you sure%3F Well... all right%2C then. Bye. %5Btt%5D%28She puts the phone away.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Sumire says it%27s okay for me to tell you that I%27m directing %5Bi%5DZatoichi vs. the Crimson Lizard%5B%2Fi%5D. We start shooting next month.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DWild applause. CLARKSON beams.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And we both want you to be in it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28startled%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Me%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D As %5Bi%5Dwhat%3F%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That I %5Bi%5Dcan%27t%5B%2Fi%5D give away. %5Btt%5D%28Smiles enigmatically.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D We%27ll talk after the show.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Uhm... right. Er. That%27s quite derailed my train of thought%2C I%27m afraid.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28shouting from off-camera%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Car history%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28laughing%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D He%27s right%2C at this point I usually talk about the guest%27s history with cars%2C but in your case that wouldn%27t really get us much of anywhere%2C would it%3F You%27ve only ever had the one.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s true%2C but I grew up with a lot of them. My dad%27s got hundreds of the things.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I know%2C I%27ve seen his collection. He and I made a video about it some years ago. Which you were in%2C I%27ve just remembered%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I was%3F I know I%27ve %5Bi%5Dseen%5B%2Fi%5D it%2C but I don%27t remember being in it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Yes%2C I distinctly recall that you%27re in the background in one scene%2C washing that battered old XJ.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I love that car%21 In fact%2C %5Bi%5Dmy%5B%2Fi%5D car -%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Which%2C I think I should note for the viewers%2C you%27ve given a name.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D - Yes%2C all right%2C technically it was my friend Dorothy who named the car%2C but - %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28playfully%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Tell the ladies and gentlemen what you named your car.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28mock anger%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We named the car Vlad%2C Jeremy.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Because it%27s an... %3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Impala.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe audience groans.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What%3F It%27s a %5Bi%5Dgood%5B%2Fi%5D name. Anyway%2C as I was %5Bi%5Dsaying%5B%2Fi%5D before I was so %5Bi%5Drudely%5B%2Fi%5D interrupted%2C Vlad - %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The Impala.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28ignoring him resolutely%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D - was a surprise for when I got my license%2C so I never saw it until after I%27d passed my test. Dad actually taught me to drive in... well%2C in a %5Bi%5Dfew%5B%2Fi%5D of his cars%2C but mostly that old green XJ6 you just mentioned. %5Btt%5D%28Shakes head sadly.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Everybody disses the XJ.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It just seemed like an odd choice to be washing%2C especially since you weren%27t old enough to drive at the time. But of course you%27re not here just to reminisce with old men about old cars%21 You came to face your greatest challenge yet.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D A 2407 Ford Popular is my greatest challenge yet%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C getting it to go round our track in something resembling a timely fashion%2C presumably.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28shrugs%2C conceding the point%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s true%2C it %5Bi%5Dis%5B%2Fi%5D a pretty crap car.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D To be quite honest%2C it%27s a %5Bi%5Dvery%5B%2Fi%5D crap car. But%2C of course%2C before you could take it round on your timed lap%2C like all our guests you had to be introduced to our test track by the Stig... and something quite amazing happened. Something that%27s never happened before. Who%27d like to see what happened when Kaitlyn met the Stig%3F %5Btt%5D%28Audience roar.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Play the tape%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The REASONABLY PRICED CAR stands near the start%2Ffinish line%3B THE STIG is standing next to it. KAITLYN and CLARKSON are walking across the grass next to the track%2C toward him%2C with a cameraman following along.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Here he is%21 Our tame racing driver. He%27ll show you round the track and give you a few tips before your timed lap. Don%27t worry that he doesn%27t speak - he%27s not trying to snub you%2C it%27s just that he can%27t communicate with human beings.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DKAITLYN tilts her head thoughtfully%2C regarding THE STIG from a distance of perhaps twenty feet. Then she reaches to her wrist and presses a stud on her wristwatch%2C which causes a holographic keyboard to rez up on her left forearm. She slowly plays a sequence of five tones in a high-pitched synthetic oboe voice. THE STIG perks up as if someone%27s called his name. While the camera and CLARKSON look on in awe%2C KAITLYN moves slowly closer to THE STIG%2C repeating the sequence slowly%2C until%2C on the fourth repetition%2C THE STIG produces the final two tones himself%2C in a much lower register and so loudly that the windows in the start%2Ffinish line observation tower crack%2C CLARKSON ducks and the cameraman can be heard to curse. KAITLYN and THE STIG play the five tones back and forth to each other a couple of times%2C then begin improvising at a faster and faster pace%2C she in her wrist holoboard%27s synth-oboe voice and he in booming%2C tuba-like tones that seem to emanate from within his helmet. This goes on for a couple of minutes%2C then winds slowly down%2C after which%2C without a word exchanged%2C the two get into the RPC and drive away.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Studio.%5B%2Fb%5D The camera pulls back from the TV set. Astonished applause as CLARKSON gestures with an open hand to KAITLYN.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That is %5Bi%5Djust uncanny.%5B%2Fi%5D In 400 years%2C no one has ever managed to hold an actual two-way conversation with the Stig.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I guess no one ever tried the right language before.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Shall we see how you got on%3F Let%27s see the lap%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The REASONABLY PRICED CAR screeches away from the start%2Ffinish line.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s %5Bi%5Dsmoke%21%5B%2Fi%5D I%27ve seen wheelspin before%2C but you actually got it to %5Bi%5Dsmoke.%5B%2Fi%5D I%27m impressed.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It was probably from the clutch.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %5Btt%5D%28laughs%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Reasonably Priced Car cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D KAITLYN is at the wheel%2C face drawn with concentration%3B the tip of her tongue is just visible in the corner of her mouth.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Through Chicago - you %5Bi%5Dare%5B%2Fi%5D taking this seriously.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The RPC approaches the next curve.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Coming up to the Hammerhead%2C will it catch you out%3F The Popular always understeers here... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. RPC cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D KAITLYN handles the wheel a bit roughly.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Annnnd...%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The RPC rounds the Hammerhead with just a touch of drift%2C throwing up some more smoke%2C and steps out a little bit on the exit as well before being snapped back into line.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. RPC cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D KAITLYN smiles a little bit fiercely.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Yeeeessssss.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The RPC continues on%2C gathering speed.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D How did you do %5Bi%5Dthat%3F%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I don%27t like to brag%2C but I %5Bi%5Dwas%5B%2Fi%5D a member of the Nekomi Institute of Technology Motor Club rally team.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Amazing. Into the follow-through - flat through here%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I think so.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It sounds like it... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. RPC cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D KAITLYN looks calm and settled at the wheel now%2C humming the %22Ode to Joy%22 from Beethoven%27s %5Bi%5DNinth Symphony%5B%2Fi%5D as she handles the wheel with relaxed hands.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Are your %5Bi%5Deyes closed%3F%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28VO%2C mock-sagely%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Your eyes can deceive you. Don%27t trust them.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Trust them when you%27re hurtling toward the tires%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Test Track.%5B%2Fb%5D The RPC hurtles past the TIRES%2C not as fast as the GRIFFON did earlier%2C but still damn fast for an %2707 Popular.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Phwoar%21 %5Bi%5DVery%5B%2Fi%5D fast through the tires. On to Atomic Corner%2C where Atomic Robo %5Bi%5Dcompletely destroyed%5B%2Fi%5D the previous Reasonably Priced Car a couple of years ago... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe RPC negotiates the penultimate bend with another tiny dab of drift.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Not you%2C though. It%27s funny%2C almost all of our guests who are going to crash%2C do it on that bend. Though they don%27t normally manage to roll the car seven times%2C which is why it%27s now called Atomic Corner. And on to Gambon%2C so named because Sir Michael Gambon %5Bi%5Dnearly%5B%2Fi%5D rolled our very first Reasonably Priced Car at the original version back in 2003...%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It%27s like a history class%2C except with more burned-clutch smell.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe RPC crosses the start%2Ffinish line. Some of the broken glass falls out of the observation tower as it passes.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And across the line%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Studio.%5B%2Fb%5D Applause as CLARKSON jots KAITLYN%27s time on a strip of tape.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So. %5Btt%5D%28Gestures to the time board.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Where do you think you%27ve come%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28scanning the board%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I think I%27d like to have beaten Dad.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Your father%3F He turned in a one-forty-two-four%21 Our second-fastest time ever. He%27s a %5Bi%5Dfighter pilot%5B%2Fi%5D. Almost as old as I am and in much better nick. You were brilliant%2C there%27s no denying that%2C but beating %5Bi%5Dhis%5B%2Fi%5D time%3F That wasn%27t really going to happen%2C now%2C was it%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28looking slightly disappointed%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28grinning%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D But it %5Bi%5Ddid%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DKaitlyn %28perking up%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You did it in one. Forty. %5Bi%5DOne point nine%21%5B%2Fi%5D You%27re second only to Tony Stark%21 Ladies and gentlemen - %5Btt%5D%28Stands to put the time on the board.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D - give her a round of applause%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DApplause. KAITLYN stands up and takes a bow.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C it%27s been an absolute delight having you here. I can%27t say how pleased we all are that you came to see us. %5Btt%5D%28Looks around confidentially.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Between you and me%2C I think the Stig%27s in love. %5Bi%5DKaitlyn Hutchins%2C%5B%2Fi%5D everybody%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DApplause. PAN AROUND to HAMMOND%2C who is standing over by the power lap board.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Wow%21 Well. That%27ll be a hard act to follow%2C so we%27ll have to rely on our %5Bi%5Dillusion of suspense%5B%2Fi%5D to carry us through to the end of the film.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s right. You may remember that the three of us were hiding in an abandoned military base on Tau Ceti IV while the Earthforce invaders searched the planet for us%2C having already had one narrow escape along the Coast Road. And now%2C it%27s time to find out if we escape capture%21 %5Btt%5D%28Arches eyebrow.%29%0D%0A%0D%0ACamera pans to one of the TVs%2C which changes from the %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D logo to%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Dawn. TCDF base.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The next morning%2C we awoke to the news%2C broadcast by local radio%2C that an IPO fleet had arrived in orbit%2C their ground forces had seized the Tau City spaceport%2C and the fight was on for the rest of the capital. We readied ourselves to become part of the beleaguered planet%27s struggle for freedom.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28from inside%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Right%2C who%27s for breakfast%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Deserted barracks.%5B%2Fb%5D The presenters%2C now rumpled and a bit bleary-looking%2C sit around a table eating what appear to be canned rations.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I%27ve been thinking%2C guys. I don%27t think we can just stay here and wait for the IPO to arrive.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Why%2C do you think if we stay in this completely obvious hiding place%2C those Earthforce lads we drove past last night will eventually think to come and look here and we%27ll all be killed%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Something like that%2C yes.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You might have a point there. We%27re not going to get far on foot%2C though%2C and taking those same cars back out on the road would be worse than just staying put.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Do we know what kind of base this was%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. TCDF base.%5B%2Fb%5D The presenters emerge from the barracks and make their way toward a large outbuilding.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We didn%27t. Since we%27re all fairly familiar with airfields%2C though%2C we figured the giant metal building behind the barracks complex was probably a hangar%2C and if we could find an aircraft of any kind%2C Captain Slow could fly us to safety.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DHAMMOND pushes the hangar door open a short distance and puts his head inside.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What do you see%3F Is it an aircraft hangar%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DHAMMOND doesn%27t reply for a few seconds%3B then he pulls his head and shoulders back out of the doorway and turns to his colleagues with a gleeful grin.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D No. It%27s %5Bi%5Dbetter%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DCLARKSON and MAY look at each other in puzzlement. WIPE TO%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day.%5B%2Fb%5D CLARKSON is in some sort of cockpit%2C surrounded by softly glowing orange instruments%2C dials%2C and controls%3B there are joysticks on the arms of the large seat he%27s strapped into. He appears to be wearing a personal flotation vest and an open-face motorcycle helmet that%27s attached to the headrest of the seat by cables. Through the windows around him can be seen a view of the TCDF base and surrounding forest%2C apparently from quite high up.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28grinning maniacally%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Ha ha ha ha haaaa. This is %5Bi%5Dbrilliant.%5B%2Fi%5D James%2C what have you got%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Another cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY is similarly attired and in a similar setting%2C but the dial faces and whatnot surrounding him are mostly green%2C not orange.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D To keep our spirits up%2C we decided to treat the occasion like one of our traveling car tests. We didn%27t realize at the time that it would%27ve been more appropriate to pretend it was a cheap car challenge.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28slightly sarcastically%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C uh... this appears to be a Kong Interstellar BL-6b-KNT %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. TCDF base outskirts.%5B%2Fb%5D Yep%2C it sure does%3B it%27s a %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D with TCDF Reserve markings. Some of its smaller armor plates appear to be missing.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It%27s a heavy BattleMech with many advanced technology features%2C such as an Endo Steel chassis%2C high-efficiency heat sinks%2C and pulsed energy weapons.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D It has a zero-to-sixty time of... uh... %5Bi%5Dnever%5B%2Fi%5D%2C and a top speed of forty miles per hour.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Does it have jump jets%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Of course it doesn%27t have jump jets%2C you idiot. It weighs seventy-five tons.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. day.%5B%2Fb%5D Cockpit of CLARKSON%27S %27Mech.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Mine has jump jets%2C and it weighs more than that.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28on radio%2C horrified%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh my God%2C it %5Bi%5Disn%27t.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. TCDF base outskirts.%5B%2Fb%5D A MUCH LARGER %27MECH emerges from the hangar to stand next to the %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Clarkson%2C you %5Bi%5Dpillock%2C%5B%2Fi%5D we%27re trying to %5Bi%5Descape%2C%5B%2Fi%5D not conquer the %5Bi%5Dplanet.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That is the voice of jealousy. Feast your eyes on my magnificence. What I have here%2C as I%27m sure you know%2C is a Stonewell Bellcom MAD-5A %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D - a hundred tons of pure fighting power%2C based on a proven Zentraedi design.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Which explains how you can fit in the cockpit at all.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY stifles a guffaw at HAMMOND%27S remark.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Be quiet. I%27ve got everything anyone would ever need here. Two extended-range particle cannons%3B two medium lasers%2C the workhorse of the modern battlefield%3B and a Class 10 automatic cannon with cluster round fire selection. %5Bi%5DAnd%5B%2Fi%5D a jumping range of nearly 100 yards%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And a reactor plant that%27s as fragile as it is slow. Do you know who SB%27s main subcontractor was on that design%3F %5Bi%5DGeneral Motors%5B%2Fi%5D. What you have there is an %5Bi%5DAmerican BattleMech%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%2C loftily%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D James%2C it really pains me that you continue to cling to these petty nationalistic rivalries centuries after they ceased to have any relevance in everyday life.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%28MAY makes inarticulate choking noises of disbelief.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D If you two are quite finished%2C I%27m powered up and ready to go.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Come on%2C then%2C let%27s see what you found. %5Btt%5D%28Blinks in disbelief%2C then bursts out laughing.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%2C indignantly%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What%21 What are you laughing at%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. TCDF base.%5B%2Fb%5D A QUITE SMALL %27MECH emerges from the hangar.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Third %27Mech%27s cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D This is a much simpler and more cramped cockpit%3B even Hammond looks uncomfortably crowded in it. The dial faces are white.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D This is the fastest Destroid in the galaxy. While you two are lurching along in the undergrowth%2C I%27ll be on my way to safety. I could cover the hundred miles to the spaceport in 75 minutes.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D On perfectly flat terrain%2C maybe.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Richard%2C would I be right in saying that that%27s a %5Bi%5DLocust II%5B%2Fi%5D%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. TCDF base.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Ah%21 Not quite%21 This is a %5Bi%5DLocust II%5Bb%5DC%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Fi%5D. It%27s a special model produced by a small company called Olivetti Weaponry. They%27re sort of the AMG to Bergen Industries%27 Mercedes-Benz.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Given the madness of the thing%2C I was thinking that %22the Abarth to their Fiat%22 would be more accurate%2C but we were already having a big enough row that I didn%27t feel the need to say it out loud.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D This twenty-five-ton high-performance machine has the most advanced sensors of any light Destroid%2C a top speed in excess of 80 miles per hour%2C and %5Bi%5Dnine%5B%2Fi%5D laser weapons.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Nine %5Bi%5Dtiny%5B%2Fi%5D laser weapons.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D All right%2C eight of them are fairly small%2C but they%27re all extended-range%2C and may I remind you that %5Bi%5Dyou yourself%5B%2Fi%5D called the medium laser the workhorse of the modern battlefield%3F Besides%2C we%27re not out here to get into a fight. We%27re trying to get away%2C and this is the %5Bi%5Dultimate%5B%2Fi%5D getaway vehicle.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You%27ve both done this wrong.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Eh%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Richard%2C your %5Bi%5DLocust%5B%2Fi%5D is too fast and unstable%2C it%27s got no arms%2C you%27re going to have a lot of trouble with the terrain between here and the spaceport. Jeremy%2C %5Bi%5Dyour%5B%2Fi%5D %27Mech is too slow and clumsy%2C and it has so much firepower you%27re just going to be looking for a fight. As usual%2C I%27m the only one who%27s done this properly. My %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D has the perfect balance of ground speed%2C stability%2C and defensive capabilities %5Bi%5Dif%5B%2Fi%5D we get into a jam.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. The countryside.%5B%2Fb%5D The three %27Mechs make their way through a medium-density forest. CLARKSON%27S %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D is having a hard time of it with the terrain and the obstacles%2C and is making a tremendous amount of noise%2C especially when CLARKSON gets fed up with some obstacle %28large rock%2C tree%2C etc.%29 and blasts it out of his way. HAMMOND%27S %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D makes better time%2C but he has to keep doubling back and it%27s clear he%27s getting frustrated. The presenters can be heard bickering over the comms in the background.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D James had a point%2C not that I was in any mood to acknowledge it at the time. To be honest%2C I thought he was exaggerating - not how much trouble we%27d be in if we got into any at all%2C that part was %5Bi%5Dobvious%2C%5B%2Fi%5D but how likely it was that we%27d find some in the first place. Unfortunately%2C Jeremy was on the same page.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I think you%27re exaggerating the likelihood that there%27ll be a problem%2C James. If I%27m honest. All we have to do is cover a hundred miles of undeveloped terrain and cross one measly suburb to get to the IPO line. How hard can it be%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO SAY THAT%3F%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Built-up area.%5B%2Fb%5D The three %27Mechs have emerged from the forest %28which is still visible in the background%29 and into an area of low buildings%2C mainly industrial and%2For commercial. The area is deserted%3B at one point the camera pans slowly past an Earthforce poster announcing a mandatory evacuation. CLARKSON%27S %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D walks up to a two-story-tall concrete retaining wall%2C at the top of which is a highway with a sign indicating that the distance to Tau City Spaceport is nine miles.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Mm. Ah. Guys%3F I have a confession to make.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What%27s that%2C Jeremy%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D My jump jets don%27t work.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh%2C marvelous.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I think that base was a repair station.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That... that makes sense%2C actually%2C because it explains quite neatly why I have no long-range sensors and three of my heat sinks are offline.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D A warning buzzer sounds%3B HAMMOND looks toward the accompanying red flashing light.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Uh-oh. What was - ... %22laser warning%22. That can%27t be good.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D A lance of four Earthforce Destroids - a %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D%2C two %5Bi%5DShadow Hawk%5B%2Fi%5Ds and an %5Bi%5DAssassin%5B%2Fi%5D - emerge from between buildings to the northeast.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DEarthforce lieutenant %28on radio%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Attention TCDF Destroid units. You are in violation of General Security Order One. Power down and dismount immediately or we will open fire.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28frantically pressing buttons%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %26l%3BCENSORED%26r%3B %26l%3BCENSORED%26r%3B %26l%3BCENSORED%26r%3B with %26l%3BCENSORED%26r%3B and %26l%3BCENSORED%26r%3B %26l%3BCENSORED%26r%3B%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D The %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D backpedals%2C pivots%2C and CLARKSON opens fire with a full broadside. To the audible surprise of everyone %28including the EARTHFORCE LIEUTENANT%29%2C he hits one of the Earthforce %5Bi%5DShadow Hawk%5B%2Fi%5Ds dead-on%2C shredding its torso. Its auto-ejection system saves the pilot as the %27Mech BLOWS UP.%0D%0A%0D%0AWhat follows is part thrilling three-on-three Solaris match and part comedy skit - except that%2C if you look closely%2C it becomes apparent that for all their arguing and bumbling%2C the three presenters actually seem to be pretty good MechWarriors. CLARKSON%27S gunnery proves to be no fluke%2C MAY%27S is if anything slightly better%2C and HAMMOND handles his %5Bi%5DLocust%5B%2Fi%5D beautifully. In intercut sequences%2C we see him lead the %5Bi%5DAssassin%5B%2Fi%5D a merry chase through the low warehouses and factories%2C drawing it far away from the rest of its lance before doubling back%2C getting the drop on it with his superior speed%2C and destroying it.%0D%0A%0D%0AUnfortunately%2C the poor condition of the other two presenters%27 machines tells against them%3B MAY can%27t use anything like his %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D%27s full firepower because of its heat sink problem%2C and the %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D%27s hampered mobility makes it a poor match for the %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D. Eventually the %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D overheats and shuts down entirely %28though it manages to destroy the second %5Bi%5DShadow Hawk%5B%2Fi%5D with the barrage that finally puts it over the top%29.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DBlack Knight%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D MAY%2C sweat pouring down his face%2C tries to restart the reactor%2C but the ignition system is fried.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Cock.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DMAY starts disengaging his seat harness%2C cooling lines%2C etc. and looking around for any survival equipment that might be stowed in the cockpit.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D The %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D has taken a beating - it%27s missing its left arm entirely - but the %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D%2C with its slower speed and nonfunctioning jump jets%2C is looking in very bad shape. Most of its armor is gone and it%27s smoking.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Pretty much every warning light I have in here is flashing. It reminds me a little of the last time I drove a Peugeot. The sense of impending annihilation is very similar%2C too%2C come to think of it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D The %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D attempts to get hull-down behind a building and bring its autocannon to bear%2C but something inside it emits a burst of sparks and it stiffens%2C tilting awkwardly.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D Even more warning lights start flashing and a siren sounds.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D That%27s it. My gyros have gone. There%27s nothing I can do.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D The %5Bi%5DMarauder II%5B%2Fi%5D%2C smoke now pouring from its damaged torso%2C collapses against the side of the building%2C crushing the brickwork. The %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D moves in for the kill.%0D%0A%0D%0ASeveral blocks up the main road%2C HAMMOND%27S %5Bi%5DLocust%5B%2Fi%5D appears out of a side street.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D HAMMOND reacts to the sight of his colleagues%27 %27Mechs both out of commission and the %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D closing in on CLARKSON with shock%2C changing very quickly to anger.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Right. My lasers won%27t do a thing against him%2C so there%27s only one thing to do. %5Bi%5DForget%5B%2Fi%5D the guns. %5Bi%5DRamming speed%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D The %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D breaks into a full sprint%2C accelerating rapidly to full speed%2C its tridactyl feet throwing up chunks of pavement from the street.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D The scene is now bouncing and shaking so violently that the camera can%27t keep up and HAMMOND can barely be made out.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28slightly garbled%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The ride quality%27s... not brilliant. If I%27m honest.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D The %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D%27s pilot notices the %5Bi%5DLocust%5B%2Fi%5D bearing down on him and changes tack%2C turning to meet the attack%2C but it%27s too late - by the time his weapons will bear%2C the %5Bi%5DLocust%5B%2Fi%5D will be on top of him.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D HAMMOND braces for impact.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D A few seconds before the two %27Mechs would%27ve crashed%2C a FIREBALL streaks out of the sky with a noise like a thunderbolt and strikes the %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D dead-center%2C blowing it to smithereens.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D cockpit.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28astonished%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %5Bi%5DBloody %5Bb%5Dhell%21%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Light industrial area.%5B%2Fb%5D The %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D makes an emergency stop%2C sparks shrieking up from its feet as they skid on the tarmac%3B it stumbles over the edge of the crater the %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D%27s destruction just made in the street%2C backpedals%2C overbalances%2C and falls down.%0D%0A%0D%0AHAMMOND emerges from the %5Bi%5DLocust%5B%2Fi%5D%27s top hatch%2C looking warily around. A few yards away%2C a GIANT METAL CYLINDER about 10 feet in diameter is half-buried in the bottom of the crater - apparently the projectile that destroyed the %5Bi%5DGuillotine%5B%2Fi%5D. MAY and CLARKSON%2C carrying their %27Mechs%27 emergency kits%2C arrive from opposite directions%2C and all three stand staring at the cooling wreckage.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Strewth%2C where%27d %5Bi%5Dthat%5B%2Fi%5D come from%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The sky%2C James. It came from the sky.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DMAY gives him a look.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Thank you%2C I gathered that part.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We%27d better get out of here. Those ejection pods had to come down %5Bi%5Dsomewhere%5B%2Fi%5D%2C and the people in them are %5Bi%5Dnot%5B%2Fi%5D going to be pleased with us.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D My %27Mech%27s had it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So%27s mine.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And so%27s yours. %5Btt%5D%28Points to one of the %5Bi%5DLocust%5B%2Fi%5D%27s ankle joints%2C which was damaged in the fall%3B the toes of that foot dangle limply.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C we%27ve come this far. %5Btt%5D%28Looks around at their battle-damaged surroundings.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D We%27ll have to take one of these cars.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28standing at crater%27s edge%2C regarding the CYLINDER thoughtfully%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I wonder what this %5Bi%5Dis.%5B%2Fi%5D I mean%2C it%27s obviously artificial%2C but it%27s not any kind of artillery shell I%27ve ever heard of... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28pointing%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D There%27s a note%2C look.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DBefore the others can stop him%2C CLARKSON walks over to the crater%2C slides down on the rubble%2C and removes the note from its holder on the side of the CYLINDER. As he unfolds it%2C the top of the CYLINDER starts slowly unscrewing behind him.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %22Dear Jezza - %22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Well%2C whoever sent the thing clearly knew you%27d be the only one stupid enough to walk right up to it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hush. %22Dear Jezza%2C Understand you%27re in a bit of a jam. I can%27t get too close%2C but I%27ve sent along a friend who should be able to help.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe top of the CYLINDER finishes unscrewing and falls away with a CLANG%2C and a white-gloved hand appears at the rim%2C followed by another%2C as a figure starts to pull itself out from within.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %22Some say that %5Bi%5DI%5B%2Fi%5D built him on a dare in 1968%2C and that if you laid him end-to-end he would stretch nearly %5Bi%5Dseven feet.%5B%2Fi%5D%22 %5Btt%5D%28Looks impressed.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D %22All I know is%2C he%27s called - %22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DTHE STIG jumps down from the top of the cylinder and climbs out of the crater to stand impassively regarding HAMMOND and MAY.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The Stig%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %22Ex oh ex oh%2C Skuld. P.S. James owes me breakfast%2C so don%27t let him die%2C no matter how comedically appropriate it would be.%22 %5Btt%5D%28Regards MAY narrowly.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Why do %5Bi%5Dyou%5B%2Fi%5D owe %5Bi%5Dher%5B%2Fi%5D%2C %5Bi%5Dbreakfast%3F%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %27S not the sort of question a gentleman answers.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DIgnoring their byplay%2C THE STIG walks to the nearest car %28a nondescript blue Ford sedan%29 and thrusts his fist through the driver%27s side window. Ignoring the alarm%2C he reaches inside%2C unlocks the door%2C climbs in%2C and then silences the alarm and starts the ignition with a momentary application of a sonic screwdriver taken from his top pocket. The presenters watch with bemusement and then start climbing into the car%2C CLARKSON in front%2C HAMMOND and MAY in back.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Did %5Bi%5Dyou%5B%2Fi%5D know the Stig knew how to steal cars%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I didn%27t know the Stig had a sonic screwdriver.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We need to get to the spaceport%2C Stig. Do you know where it is%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DTHE STIG regards CLARKSON blankly.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28speaking slowly and distinctly%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The... space... port. Do... you... know... where... it... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DTHE STIG ignores CLARKSON%2C puts the car in gear%2C and screeches away from the curb.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I guess he does. Or he thinks he does...%0D%0A%0D%0A%2F%2A The Crystal Method%0D%0A%22Murder%22%0D%0A%5Bi%5DTweekend%5B%2Fi%5D %282001%29 %2A%2F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Spaceport approach road.%5B%2Fb%5D The Ford speeds along a divided highway%3B the airport can be seen in the distance.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We had a straight shot to the spaceport perimeter fence - no more than a mile or so to go - and it was starting to look like we were home and dry... %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Ford cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D POV shot through the windshield%3B the car is approaching a roadblock manned by six heavily armed Earthforce Marines.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Okay%2C stay calm. Stay calm.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %5Bi%5DStay calm%3F%21 We%27re going to be killed%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DTHE STIG%2C expressionless as always%2C starts slowing the car.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What are you %5Bi%5Ddoing%2C%5B%2Fi%5D man%3F You want the pedal on the right%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D These guys are ready for us%2C if we try to crash the barrier they%27ll get us for sure.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh%2C so you figure it%27ll be better if we stop and make it easier for them%3F %22Here you are%2C Mr. Earthforce Marine%2C wouldn%27t want to make you waste ammunition by %5Bi%5Dmissing%5B%2Fi%5D us a few times before you fill us with lead%21%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D They don%27t use actual lead bullets any - %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D %5Bi%5DOh shut up%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Look%2C just... calm down. I%27ll handle it. Just let me do the talking and we%27ll be fine. %5Btt%5D%28Looks at THE STIG.%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Okay%3F I%27ll do all the talking.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DThe Stig%3A%5B%2Fb%5D ...%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D ... Right.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5D%5Bb%5DExt. Day.%5B%2Fb%5D The car arrives at the roadblock and halts for the outstretched hand of one of the Earthforce troopers%2C who then walks around to the passenger side%2C where CLARKSON is leaning out of the window to speak to him. On the driver%27s side%2C two of the troopers lean down and peer curiously at THE STIG%2C who sits staring straight ahead%2C ignoring them completely.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond %28VO%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So%2C while James and I sat in the back and tried with limited success to look as if we were a%29 not anyone of particular interest and b%29 not absolutely shitting ourselves with terror%2C Jeremy did... well%2C see for yourself.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Hi. Um. These aren%27t the journalists you%27re looking for.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DEarthforce Marine%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Let me see your IDs.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You don%27t need to see our identification.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DEarthforce Marine %28puzzled%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I don%27t%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D You don%27t. We%27re nobody important. Just passing through.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DEarthforce Marine%3A%5B%2Fb%5D I%27m going to need your driver to remove his helmet.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Ah. I%27m afraid that won%27t be possible%2C you see%2C he%2C uh... he%27s from a... high-pressure world with an atmosphere of pure... ah... argon. If his suit loses pressure integrity we could %5Bi%5Dall%5B%2Fi%5D be killed.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe MARINE raises an eyebrow%2C clearly skeptical.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So if you don%27t mind%2C we%27ll just be on our way.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe MARINE stares silently at CLARKSON for several seconds%2C his face set in a almost unreadable mixture of confusion%2C a faint sense of awareness that something isn%27t right%2C and a sort of dull resignation that he%27s not going to be able to figure out what it is.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DEarthforce Marine %28waving them through%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Be on your way.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Thank you. Thank you very much. Have a lovely day. %5Btt%5D%28To THE STIG%2C %5Bi%5Dsotto voce%5B%2Fi%5D%2C while closing his window%3A%29%5B%2Ftt%5D Drive%2C drive%2C drive.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DTHE STIG suddenly floors the accelerator%2C leaving a 30-foot number 11 away from the roadblock. The MARINES stand gazing after the Ford for several seconds with blank expressions%2C then turn to each other in puzzlement%2C seem to wake up%2C and become quite agitated%2C shouting after the car and firing at it with their rifles.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. Ford cabin.%5B%2Fb%5D%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D How the %5Bi%5Dhell%5B%2Fi%5D did you do %5Bi%5Dthat%3F%21%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson %28ignoring him%2C to THE STIG%29%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Go%2C go%2C go%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DA round from one of the MARINES%27 rifles shatters the rear window%2C making HAMMOND and MAY duck and yell in alarm%2C but no one is hit.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Back at the roadblock.%5B%2Fb%5D The MARINES%2C recovering their wits%2C dash for their vehicle.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Spaceport perimeter fence.%5B%2Fb%5D A WARTHOG in the livery of an IPO Tactical Division Special Mission Force emerges from the spaceport compound and speeds toward the approaching car%2C the unmistakable form of TUNCER hunched behind the bed-mounted chaingun. The vehicle blows straight past the Ford%2C with the driver %28PETE STACKER%29 tossing THE STIG a jaunty salute on the way past%2C and chases away the Earthforce Marine vehicle with a few well-placed chaingun bursts%2C then turns around and catches up with the speeding Ford to escort it into the compound.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DExt. Day. Tau City Spaceport.%5B%2Fb%5D The Ford comes to rest near the spaceport%27s hyperwave communications tower%2C around the base of which the IPO is setting up its primary command center for the recapture operation. The presenters and THE STIG climb out and hurry across the tarmac to the operations tent.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. IPO field operations center.%5B%2Fb%5D UTENA TENJOU looks up from a holotable map of Tau City and blinks in surprise.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DUtena%3A%5B%2Fb%5D What are %5Bi%5Dyou%5B%2Fi%5D guys doing here%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DThe presenters try to be nonchalant.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Oh%2C you know...%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The usual.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D We like to be where the action is. You know.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btt%5DIn the background%2C THE STIG stares in apparent fascination at the tea-and-coffee-making facilities. CUT TO%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DInt. Day. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D Studio.%5B%2Fb%5D The camera pulls back from one of the TVs to take in the three presenters standing in a group at the feet of the %5Bi%5DLocust IIC%5B%2Fi%5D%2C which appears to have been repaired.%5B%2Ftt%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So there you are%21 We did%2C indeed%2C survive.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D In fact%2C we%27d arrived just as Commodore Tenjou was about to launch the main counteroffensive to take back Tau City from Earthforce.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D An operation in which we played no part whatsoever.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D No. We went well to the back of the command-and-control area.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And went to sleep.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DHammond%3A%5B%2Fb%5D So much for journalism.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D The Stig%2C on the other hand%2C couldn%27t wait to get stuck in and help. In fact%2C he drove the commodore%27s command vehicle into the heart of the combat zone himself%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DMay%3A%5B%2Fb%5D Although%2C to be perfectly fair%2C we don%27t know whether he really knew that was what he was doing. He might%27ve thought they were just going on a date or something.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DClarkson%3A%5B%2Fb%5D And on %5Bi%5Dthat%5B%2Fi%5D bombshell%2C it%27s time to end the show. Thank you %5Bi%5Dvery%5B%2Fi%5D much for watching%3B normal service will be resumed next week. No%21 Not next week%2C next week we%27re off because of... I don%27t remember%2C %5Bi%5DWide World of Gardening%5B%2Fi%5D or something. So we%27ll see you in %5Bi%5Dtwo%5B%2Fi%5D weeks. Until then%2C take care. Good night%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%2F%2A The Art of Noise feat. the BBC Ethereophonic Orchestra%0D%0A%22Jessica %28Top Gear Theme 2408 Revised Edition%29%22 %2A%2F%0D%0A%0D%0ATOP GEAR%3A%0D%0AROAD FILM %28WITH FIGHTING%29%0D%0A%0D%0Apresented by%0D%0AJEREMY CLARKSON%0D%0ARICHARD HAMMOND%0D%0AJAMES MAY%0D%0Aand%0D%0ATHE STIG%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bhr%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bsmall%5D%5Bcenter%5DEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited%0D%0Apresented%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bb%5DUndocumented Features Future Imperfect%0D%0A- Symphony of the Sword No. 5 -%5B%2Fb%5D%0D%0A%0D%0ARoad Film %28With Fighting%29%0D%0A%0D%0Awriter%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%0D%0A%0D%0Abull sessions%0D%0AThe EPU Usual Suspects%0D%0A%0D%0ABased on %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0ASundays 21h00 GMT on BBC2%0D%0A%0D%0AE P U %28colour%29%5B%2Fcenter%5D%5B%2Fsmall%5D 1|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|mdg1||21:05:20|11/13/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-13-09 AT 09:05 PM (EST)]That reminds me%2C Ben. Have you seen the pics of the Black Beauty for the new Green Hornet flick%3F 3|2|1|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||21:34:19|11/13/2009|%3EThat reminds me%2C Ben. Have you seen the pics of the Black Beauty for %0D%0A%3Ethe new Green Hornet flick%3F %0D%0A%0D%0AI have not. Last I heard anything about it%2C %5Bi%5DThe Green Hornet%5B%2Fi%5D was in the seventh or eighth circle of Development Hell.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 5|3|3|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Wedge||21:50:29|11/13/2009|%3E%3EThat reminds me%2C Ben. Have you seen the pics of the Black Beauty for %0D%0A%3E%3Ethe new Green Hornet flick%3F %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EI have not. Last I heard anything about it%2C %5Bi%5DThe Green Hornet%5B%2Fi%5D %0D%0A%3Ewas in the seventh or eighth circle of Development Hell. %0D%0A%0D%0AOh%2C yeah%2C that%27s been locked down for a bit now%2C coming out December 2010. Here%27s %5Blink%3Awww.autoblog.com%2F2009%2F07%2F25%2Fcomic-con-2009-the-green-hornets-black-beauty-looks-ready-to-r%2F%7Csome pics and stuff%5D. We walked past it a few times at SDCC%2C but it was in a shit place for pictures if you weren%27t press and there without the hordes. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btable border%3D%220%22 cellspacing%3D%220%22 cellpadding%3D%220%22%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%221%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd%5Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.gweep.net%2F%7Ewedge%2Fufchad_ficon.jpg%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btd%5DChad Collier%0D%0ASmirking Kilrathi%0D%0A%5Bfont color%3D%230000CC%5DThe Captain of the Gravy Train%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%221%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btr%5D%5B%2Ftable%5D 7|4|5|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||21:55:16|11/13/2009|%3E Here%27s %5Blink%3Awww.autoblog.com%2F2009%2F07%2F25%2Fcomic-con-2009-the-green-hornets-black-beauty-looks-ready-to-r%2F%7Csome pics and stuff%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0AHa%21 I almost bought one of those once. %28A 1965 Imperial Crown%2C I mean%2C not a movie prop car.%29 Still kind of regret that I passed on it. If I had known that within a year I wouldn%27t be living in the heart of the Boston Metro West sprawl%2C I wouldn%27t have.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 10|5|7|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|mdg1||05:35:31|11/14/2009|You were the second thing I thought of when I saw the pics.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28The first was %22Gimme%21%22 %3A%29 %29 2|1|0|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|zojojojo||21:08:02|11/13/2009|hahahahahhahahahhah%21%0D%0A%0D%0Aahem. very nice. and i don%27t even watch a lot of %5Bi%5Dtop gear%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0A-Z %5Bi%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A---%0D%0ARemember kids%3A guns make you stupid%2C duct tape makes you smart. 4|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Silversword||21:35:04|11/13/2009|Oh%2C wow. I got to %22It%27s Klingon. These things are important to them.%22 and couldn%27t stop chuckling the rest of the way down. -Especially- when the %27Mechs first turned up. %22zero-to-sixty time of...uh... -never-%22 indeed. Heh. That was awesome. 6|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|acarr||21:50:33|11/13/2009|Oh man....%0D%0A%0D%0AThis is better than a hot shower to clear the chest crud.%0D%0A%0D%0ANote%3A Getting sick sucks.%0D%0A%0D%0A-- Andrew %22Breathing much better now%2C thanks.%22 Carr 8|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|BZArcher||01:05:12|11/14/2009|Brilliant%21 Absolutely brilliant%21%21 9|1|0|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Soulscode||02:25:21|11/14/2009|You have outdone yourselves once again%2C if I didn%27t know better I%27d say you had those guys on staff for how well they%27re written. 8%29%0D%0A%0D%0A-----%0D%0AIt would have been an accidental shooting%2C had he not reloaded... twice. 11|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Polychrome||06:11:46|11/14/2009|Brilliant%2C as others have said. You really have them down.%0D%0A%0D%0AIs the conversation with The Stig a reference to %5Bi%5DClose Encounters of the Third Kind%5B%2Fi%5D%3F%0D%0A%0D%0APolychrome%0D%0A%0D%0AWho is betting that the folks at KMW are pleased with this show. 13|2|11|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|JFerio||11:29:45|11/14/2009|I certainly read it the first time as the Close Encounters greeting exchange between the scientists and the mothership. %3A%29 14|2|11|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||11:54:31|11/14/2009|%3EIs the conversation with The Stig a reference to %5Bi%5DClose Encounters %0D%0A%3Eof the Third Kind%5B%2Fi%5D%3F %0D%0A%0D%0AThat is correct. It%27s essentially the track entitled %22Wild Signals%22 on the special edition of the %5Bi%5DClose Encounters%5B%2Fi%5D soundtrack%2C except without the bit at the beginning where the mothership makes random noises and doesn%27t quite get it. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%22Honorless dogs%21 Make way for Captain Slow%21%22%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 22|3|14|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Polychrome||01:34:34|11/15/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-15-09 AT 02:16 AM (EST)]Okay%2C good to know I%27m not completely dense. For all I know the could have been singing the WarGames door code at each other.%0D%0A%0D%0APolychrome%0D%0A%0D%0AYeah%2C the Aztechnology guys%3F Not so much. 24|4|22|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||02:36:23|11/15/2009|%3EOkay%2C good to know I%27m not completely dense. For all I know the could %0D%0A%3Ehave been singing the WarGames door code at each other. %0D%0A%0D%0AThat has %5Bi%5Dsix%5B%2Fi%5D tones%2C surely. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EYeah%2C the Aztechnology guys%3F Not so much. %0D%0A%0D%0AAztechmotors cars almost always come in for a kicking on %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D%2C mainly because of build quality issues. No one%27s really sure why they keep sending press demonstrators to the show%2C and haven%27t gotten fed up and blackballed %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D in a fit of pique%2C like Chrysler did a couple of years ago in real life. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 25|5|24|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Matrix Dragon||02:58:35|11/15/2009|%3EAztechmotors cars almost always come in for a kicking on %5Bi%5DTop %0D%0A%3EGear%5B%2Fi%5D%2C mainly because of build quality issues. No one%27s really %0D%0A%3Esure why they keep sending press demonstrators to the show%2C and %0D%0A%3Ehaven%27t gotten fed up and blackballed %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D in a fit of %0D%0A%3Epique%2C like Chrysler did a couple of years ago in real life. %3A%29 %0D%0A%0D%0AIn real life%2C they made fun of Chrysler%2C then went and brought the car themselves. Aztechmotors may have decided it%27s easier to just give in%2C rather then give Jeremy more ammunition to use on them. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0AMatrix Dragon%2C J. Random Nutter 12|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Croaker||10:17:38|11/14/2009|Nah. I know zip about Top Gear%2C and I STILL found it hilarious.%0D%0A%0D%0ALoved the bit with the %27mechs.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22This%2C sir%2C is an AMERICAN BATTLEMECH%21%22 15|2|12|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Tabasco||12:23:36|11/14/2009|Congratulations. I%27d barely even heard of Top Gear%2C and liked this story enough to go check it out. %0D%0A%0D%0AI liked the part about the ride quality of a Locust. 16|1|0|||1||a few reference items|Gryphon||12:36:54|11/14/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-15-09 AT 01:52 AM (EST)]%5Bsmall%5D%5Bfont color%3D%22red%22%5D%26l%3BThat%27s odd%3B I knew I%27d looked up the %5Bi%5DAssassin%5B%2Fi%5D writeup%2C and indeed I had - I%27d even pasted the link in - but then I hadn%27t put anything after the %7C to anchor the link. Never done %5Bi%5Dthat%5B%2Fi%5D before... --G.%26r%3B%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Fsmall%5D%0D%0A%0D%0AI didn%27t want to embed these links in the story itself because%2C you never know%2C what%27s at the other end might go away%2C but here are some references for those of you who are a bit lost%3A%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sarna.net%2Fwiki%2FBlack_Knight%7CBlack Knight%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sarna.net%2Fwiki%2FMarauder_II%7CMarauder II%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sarna.net%2Fwiki%2FLocust_IIC%7CLocust IIC%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sarna.net%2Fwiki%2FGuillotine%7CGuillotine%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sarna.net%2Fwiki%2FShadow_Hawk%7CShadow Hawk%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%5Bi%5D%5Blink%3Awww.sarna.net%2Fwiki%2FAssassin%7CAssassin%5D%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%28In all cases%2C go by the image in the upper right%3B there%27s certainly no need for us to bother using the lameass post-licensing replacement designs for the Unseen.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AYou%27ve seen my little mock-up of the Sunrise Motorworks badge already%3A%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FUF%2FFI%2FGFX%2FBPGD%2Fsunrisemotorworksbadge.jpg%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd here is a 1962 Ford Popular%2C which the 2407 model quite strongly resembles.%0D%0A%0D%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2FUF%2FFI%2FSOS%2FGFX%2F1962popular.jpg%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 23|2|16|||||RE%3A a few reference items|Polychrome||01:35:46|11/15/2009|Also%3A%0D%0A%5Blink%3Awww.sarna.net%2Fwiki%2FAssassin%7CAssassin%5D%0D%0A%0D%0APolychrome 17|1|0|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Prince Charon||19:11:21|11/14/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-14-09 AT 07:13 PM (EST)]Did anyone else get so curious about what opera mauve looked like%2C that you decided to hand code an .html file to find out%3F On a sort-of related not%2C does the fact that I still hand code .html in Notepad make me eccentric%2C or just conservative%3F%0D%0A%0D%0AThe file%2C for those who want to know%3A%0D%0A%0D%0A%3CHTML%3E%0D%0A%0D%0A%3CBODY%0D%0ABGCOLOR%3D%22%23B784A7%22%3E%0D%0A%3C%2FBODY%3E%0D%0A%3C%2FHTML%3E%0D%0A%0D%0ANice and short%2C and I used the %27Preview%27 button to make sure it would show up OK%2C here. The colour looks sort of like raspberry yogurt%2C to my eyes%0D%0A%0D%0A%93They planned their campaigns just as you might make a splendid piece of harness. It looks very well%3B and answers very well%3B until it gets broken%3B and then you are done for. Now I made my campaigns of ropes. If anything went wrong%2C I tied a knot%3B and went on.%94%0D%0A%09-- Arthur Wellesley%2C First Duke of Wellington 18|2|17|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|eriktown||19:22:22|11/14/2009|This was fantastic%21 I haven%27t seen an entire episode of Top Gear%2C but I still enjoyed the story immensely. 19|2|17|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||20:03:48|11/14/2009|%3EDid anyone else get so curious about what opera mauve looked like%2C %0D%0A%3Ethat you decided to hand code an .html file to find out%3F%0D%0A%0D%0AHeh. I was figuring if people got that curious%2C they%27d just %5Blink%3Aen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FMauve%23Opera_mauve%7Clook it up%2C%5D but I salute your diligence. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 20|3|19|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|StClair||21:38:48|11/14/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-14-09 AT 09:41 PM (EST)]Following that link%2C I saw the source of your %22danger color%22 ref. Which suggests that most sentients see in slightly shorter wavelengths than humans do %28so as to move mauve to the peak of their visual response%2C as red-orange-yellow are for us%29%2C which suggests in turn that most homeworlds orbit hotter stars than Sol...%0D%0A%0D%0AAlternatively%2C it could just mean that the %5Bi%5DDoctor Who%5B%2Fi%5D writers threw in a line they figured would sound cute without thinking through the implications of it. %3Ap%0D%0A 21|4|20|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||00:44:35|11/15/2009|%3EAlternatively%2C it could just mean that the %5Bi%5DDoctor Who%5B%2Fi%5D writers %0D%0A%3Ethrew in a line they figured would sound cute without thinking through %0D%0A%3Ethe implications of it.%0D%0A%0D%0AGiven the overall penchant for being precious that the %5Bi%5DDoctor Who%5B%2Fi%5D writers have historically demonstrated %28particularly in the new era%29%2C I%27m thinking this is probably a lot more likely.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 26|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|SneakyPete||03:37:49|11/15/2009|Oh%2C my God. I%27ve just spet the last twenty minutes laughing my fool head off. You%27ve done this one up %2Aright%2A%2C Ben%2C I could hear and see all of them perfectly. 27|1|0|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Pasha||03:49:38|11/15/2009|This is my favorite thing to come out of EPU this year. Not just because I love top gear%2C although I do. It%27s just...funny. it%27s humorous in ways that early EPU was%2C and hasn%27t been in some time %28yes%2C I know that it%27s a much more serious universe now. But comeon.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AAlso%2C I like that The Boys are%2C somehow%2C hundreds of years old%2C and HAVEN%27T CHANGED AT ALL. I imagine that Jeremy actually has 50 odd kids by now%2C because his wife has the urge to have a new clutch of 3 every 30 years or so%2C and that he%27s somehow managed to make enough of a living by being a LOONBALL at the wheel%2C and letting someone else film it.%0D%0AHamster is still the brunt of the jokes %28you gave him the tiny one%3F%29%0D%0Aand May is still the quietly competent one. A little boring%2C sure...but still. He%27s the one who drives when they need to get somewhere in the middle of nowhere%2C ain%27t he%3F %0D%0A%0D%0AFYI%2C May%27s lines are%2C as far as I can tell%3A %0D%0A%0D%0Atarg bathlh%27Ha%27%21 chenmoH bI%27 HoD QIt%21 %0D%0A%28Lit%3A Targs acting dishonorably%2C make an opening for The Captain Who Moves Slowly%29%0D%0Aand %0D%0Anetlh hugh chaq muh nIteb wa%27ram lIgh%27na%0D%0A%28Lit%3A Ten Thousand throats can be cut open in one night by one who rides%29%0D%0ALacking a word for %27motorbike%27%2C I%27m kinda screwed there. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A-- %0D%0A-Pasha%0D%0Atarg bathlh%27Ha%27%21 chenmoH bI%27 HoD QIt%21 28|2|27|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Matrix Dragon||03:57:13|11/15/2009|%3EHamster is still the brunt of the jokes %28you gave him the tiny one%3F%29 %0D%0A%0D%0ANot just the tiny one. The manufacturers name seems to be a shout out to his most beloved car. He HAD to take it %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0AMatrix Dragon%2C J. Random Nutter 29|2|27|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|BeardedFerret||05:48:41|11/15/2009|I completely agree. Gryph%2C this is just about my favourite thing you%27ve written. I am a massive Top Gear fan %28I have every episode on disc%29 and you%27ve just captured the spirit of the show so perfectly while weaving it into your own blended universe perfectly. Seriously well done%2C and thanks so much for writing it. 30|1|0|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Tzukumori||02:12:18|11/16/2009|I%27ve never watched Top Gear before %28and I usually avoid reading script form%29%2C but I enjoyed your other shorter derivative works from that show%2C so I liked this %22full-feature%22 length very much . A testament to your writing ability. Glad to see that you%27re still going strong.%0D%0A%0D%0AThanks for sharing this bonus and making my weekend%2C%0D%0A-T.Z.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%0D%0A%0D%0A%22I believe that when life gives you lemons%2C you make lemonade. %0D%0AThen find someone whose life gives them vodka and have a party.%22%0D%0A%5Bi%5D--Ron White%2C stand-up comedian.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D 31|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Meagen||12:27:02|11/17/2009|I greatly enjoyed the road film bits%2C but there was something about Kaitlyn%27s interview that struck me as... I think the word is %22self-indulgent%22. Yes%2C I%27m aware I%27m talking about the UF universe. I mean self-indulgent even for that.%0D%0A%0D%0AI can easily accept that Kaitlyn got interviewed in the same episode as the one showcasing her father%27s legendary car. I haven%27t seen a lot of the show%2C but it makes sense to match up the segments like that. Presumably there are other episodes that feature cars and people unrelated to the Symphony core cast but this is the one that got %22taped%22%2C so to speak.%0D%0A%0D%0AKaitlyn proceeds to kick ass and take names behind the wheel of a cheap car - fine. While she%27s a musician%2C she%27s also a Katsujinkenryu master and hangs around Driving-Fu masters.%0D%0A%0D%0ABut then she proceeds to break her father%27s record on the test track%2C her band also does the theme tune of the show%2C and she%27s the first person to have communicated with the Stig - no%2C sorry%2C that%27s a little too much. I%27m not watching a TV programme from a universe where everything is awesome%2C I%27m watching an author spoil their favourite character with gifts.%0D%0A%0D%0AOther than that%2C enjoyable and hilarious. 32|2|31|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||14:00:11|11/17/2009|and she%27s the first %0D%0A%3Eperson to have communicated with the Stig%0D%0A%0D%0AYou should%2C perhaps%2C bear in mind that it%27s entirely possible - indeed%2C even probable - that this segment was done as a joke by a production staff%2C presenter%2C stunt driver and guest star who are all familiar with the 20th-century motion picture %5Bi%5DClose Encounters of the Third Kind%5B%2Fi%5D%2C and that the Stig does not%2C in fact%2C communicate in ARP 2500 alien mothership tones. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%28There%27s plenty of precedent for that kind of thing where the Stig is concerned. I mean%2C Perry McCarthy didn%27t really drive an old Jag off an aircraft carrier and drown in the first episode of series 3%2C either.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AIronically%2C Kate wasn%27t the first guest star whose segment I started to put together for this episode%3B I decided to go with her instead after getting some way into another segment when it occurred to me that the production team would%2C as you say%2C want to match up the segments. %28I don%27t know as I%27d read all that much into her time%2C either%2C since whoever appeared in that segment was going to get the %22That wasn%27t really going to happen%2C was it%3F ... But it %5Bi%5Ddid%5B%2Fi%5D%22 dialogue from Clarkson%3B I lifted it from an actual SIARPC segment that I happened to be watching to make sure I%27d got the format right.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 33|3|32|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Wedge||14:23:29|11/17/2009|%3Eand she%27s the first %0D%0A%3E%3Eperson to have communicated with the Stig%0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EYou should%2C perhaps%2C bear in mind that it%27s entirely possible - %0D%0A%3Eindeed%2C even probable - that this segment was done as a joke by a %0D%0A%3Eproduction staff%2C presenter%2C stunt driver and guest star who are all %0D%0A%3Efamiliar with the 20th-century motion picture %5Bi%5DClose Encounters of %0D%0A%3Ethe Third Kind%5B%2Fi%5D%2C and that the Stig does not%2C in fact%2C communicate %0D%0A%3Ein ARP 2500 alien mothership tones. %3A%29 %0D%0A%0D%0A%22I%27ve got to know%2C what did he say%3F%22 %22Hammond%27s pregnant.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btable border%3D%220%22 cellspacing%3D%220%22 cellpadding%3D%220%22%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%221%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd%5Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.gweep.net%2F%7Ewedge%2Fufchad_ficon.jpg%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btd%5DChad Collier%0D%0ASmirking Kilrathi%0D%0A%5Bfont color%3D%230000CC%5DThe Captain of the Gravy Train%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%221%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btr%5D%5B%2Ftable%5D 34|4|33|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|CdrMike||14:45:06|11/17/2009|%3E%22I%27ve got to know%2C what did he say%3F%22 %22Hammond%27s pregnant.%22 %0D%0A%0D%0ACut to Hammond%27s jaw dropping%2C then to James as he falls out of his seat from laughing too hard. 35|3|32|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Meagen||16:28:51|11/17/2009|%3E%3Eand she%27s the first person to have communicated with the Stig%0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EYou should%2C perhaps%2C bear in mind that it%27s entirely possible - %0D%0A%3Eindeed%2C even probable - that this segment was done as a joke by a %0D%0A%3Eproduction staff%2C presenter%2C stunt driver and guest star who are all %0D%0A%3Efamiliar with the 20th-century motion picture %5Bi%5DClose Encounters of %0D%0A%3Ethe Third Kind%5B%2Fi%5D%2C and that the Stig does not%2C in fact%2C communicate %0D%0A%3Ein ARP 2500 alien mothership tones. %3A%29 %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3E%28There%27s plenty of precedent for that kind of thing where the Stig is %0D%0A%3Econcerned. I mean%2C Perry McCarthy didn%27t really drive an old Jag off %0D%0A%3Ean aircraft carrier and drown in the first episode of series 3%2C %0D%0A%3Eeither.%29 %0D%0A%0D%0AThat makes more sense. I%27m not familiar with the programme%2C and the movie segment went out of its way to point out that the UF version is not staged. Plus%2C in this setting it%27s kind of hard to tell between the author making a pop culture reference and the characters making a historical media reference. 36|4|35|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||16:54:33|11/17/2009|%3EThat makes more sense. I%27m not familiar with the programme%2C and the %0D%0A%3Emovie segment went out of its way to point out that the UF version is %0D%0A%3Enot staged.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe road films and reviews and whatnot generally aren%27t%2C but almost any segment featuring the Stig is going to be at least a little tongue-in-cheek. Mind you%2C I %5Bi%5Dwant%5B%2Fi%5D to convey the impression that the UF version of the Stig is an ambiguous sort of creature - that he may not be entirely%2C or even partly%2C human%2C that he doesn%27t interact with people in the normal way. We saw that in %5Bi%5DThe Sandero Affair%5B%2Fi%5D and %5Bi%5DGuns 4 Hire%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0ABut then again%2C it%27s also entirely possible that the Stig in the %5Bi%5DClose Encounters%5B%2Fi%5D scene is an actor in a Stig costume put there for comedic purposes%2C not the %22real%22 Stig %28who would presumably have been as indifferent to the mothership tones as he is to any other human overture%29. If the %22real%22 Stig is really so incommunicative%2C it wouldn%27t make a lot of sense to have him train the celebrity guests anyway%2C when you think about it. But that%27s the beauty of the Stig - you can just never tell. %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D%27s policy toward the Stig is just to present him and let the viewer decide. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0AAs an aside%2C my first choice for the SIARPC guest in this segment was Kara Zor-El%2C until I realized that the timing of the Tau Ceti counteroffensive and %5Bi%5DLast Transport%5B%2Fi%5D doesn%27t quite work out so that it makes sense for her to be a%29 at large and b%29 famous enough to get on TV so soon after the Tau Ceti thing. One of the jokes I had planned was that she was going to get %5Bi%5Dentirely%5B%2Fi%5D too ambitious and end up destroying the Reasonably Priced Car in a manner reminiscent of %5Blink%3Awww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DpYiJ0ATSM1s%7Cthis %28comedically staged%29 crash%5D in one of Clarkson%27s solo videos. This notion survived%2C as the work of a different guest%2C in Jeremy%27s recounting of why the second-to-last corner on the %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D test track is called Atomic Corner.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28We also considered Cassie Cain%2C if only because the scene in which she and the Stig sat in the Reasonably Priced Car being silent at each other was%2C in its way%2C as amusing to consider as the %5Bi%5DClose Encounters%5B%2Fi%5D joke. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 42|4|35|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Mephron||10:25:57|11/18/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-19-09 AT 07:36 AM (EST)]%3EThat makes more sense. I%27m not familiar with the programme%2C and the %0D%0A%3Emovie segment went out of its way to point out that the UF version is %0D%0A%3Enot staged. Plus%2C in this setting it%27s kind of hard to tell between %0D%0A%3Ethe author making a pop culture reference and the characters making a %0D%0A%3Ehistorical media reference. %0D%0A%0D%0AWhen this came up that it was being written%2C I went looking and there%27s a Top Gear channel on YouTube. %28It includes the time of Patrick Stewart being the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car%2C which has him being exceptionally hilarious.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AIf you get the chance %28and it works in the country you%27re currently in%29 to watch some of the stuff there%2C then come back and read it again%2C the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car section may end up being a bit more funny.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28Season 14 just started in the UK. The first Star In A Reasonably Priced Car%3F Eric %22The Incomprehensible Hulk%22 %22Hi%2C I%27m Nero%22 Bana.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AFollowup%3A http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fuser%2FTopGear is where you can find it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28Gryphon has sort of infected those of us who didn%27t know about it before with great amusement and enjoyment of the show. And QI.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--%0D%0AGeoff Depew - Darth Mephron%0D%0AHaberdasher to Androids%2C Dark Lord of Sith Tech Support.%0D%0A%22And Remember%21 Google is your Friend%21%21%22 44|5|42|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|The Traitor||13:05:31|11/19/2009|I%27m not sure QI%27d do brilliantly in the UF universe%2C what with all the chipping and such. Stephen Fry%2C yes%2C possibly bombing around a Klingon planet in a beaten-up London taxi%2C but not QI.%0D%0A%0D%0A-%3D%3DFEVERED SPOUT HO%21%3D%3D-%0D%0A%0D%0AAlan Davies missed out on Project Hero and has been replaced with a cybernetic equivalent. Phil Jupitus became so bent on expanding his waistline that he founded a criminal corporation to fund ever more extravagant meals%2C and was killed by Atomic Robo after eating IPO operative Bill Bailey. Jo Brand assumed Zardon citizenship and became a street Judge with the frankly unnecessary callsign %27Meatshield%27.%0D%0A%0D%0ADave still shows QI reruns.%0D%0A%0D%0A... and back. 45|6|44|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||13:13:05|11/19/2009|%3EAlan Davies missed out on Project Hero and has been replaced with a %0D%0A%3Ecybernetic equivalent.%0D%0A%0D%0AAs amused as I am by the image of a Max Headroom-esque AI construct based on Alan Davies%2C I imagine we%27d just hire Jonathan Creek. %28And that was a cheap shot about Phill Jupitus. He%27s one of my favorite frequent guests. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 46|7|45|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|BeardedFerret||19:19:50|11/19/2009|%3EAs amused as I am by the image of a Max Headroom-esque AI construct %0D%0A%3Ebased on Alan Davies%2C I imagine we%27d just hire Jonathan Creek. %0D%0A%0D%0AOooooo. 47|7|45|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|The Traitor||10:30:25|11/20/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-20-09 AT 10:30 AM (EST)]And another theory I had on fictitious characters in the UF-verse bites the dust. So it goes.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnd it was cheap about Phill Jupitus and I apologise. I love him really.%0D%0A%0D%0A... A thought occurs. If you get the chance%2C Gryph%2C watch Mock The Week. Much weight as my approval of something may carry%2C it is supremely funny and a good starting point for insight into the affairs of America%27s newest state. That Frankie Boyle%2C eh%3F Hehehe... Earthdome would have had him killed. 66|7|45|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Apostate_Soul||11:50:50|11/23/2009|I can now see Jonathan Creek as an EoJ. Possibly having frequent team-ups with Jedi master Poirot.%0D%0A%0D%0A%22It%27s difficult keeping up with the cross-continuity%2C but I think Cosmouse just gave The Saturnian Scraphunter his Ultimate Pacifier to use against Galactapuss...%22 48|6|44|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Mephron||10:56:54|11/20/2009|%3EI%27m not sure QI%27d do brilliantly in the UF universe%2C what with all the %0D%0A%3Echipping and such. %0D%0A%0D%0AConsider the thousand of planets%2C and their cultures and flora and fauna%2C and all the places between%2C all of which can be ridiculously obscure and questions on QI. I think it would be Quite Interesting to see it%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EStephen Fry%2C yes%2C possibly bombing around a Klingon %0D%0A%3Eplanet in a beaten-up London taxi%2C but not QI. %0D%0A%0D%0ANow I have the image of Stephen Fry%2C a couple of security Buma and some WDF LSD and GENOM R%26D types doing a %22Last Chance To See%22 series for the purposes of getting DNA samples to try to roll back the possible extinctions. %28Post-CorpWar%2C I now visualize the LSD and a similarly-intentioned GENOM group working together in with a friendly rivalry as to who can get things dome first without genetic misfirings. And a couple of weird-but-living genetic misfires kept as lab mascots. Like a four-legged parrot. %29%0D%0A%0D%0A--%0D%0AGeoff Depew - Darth Mephron%0D%0AHaberdasher to Androids%2C Dark Lord of Sith Tech Support.%0D%0A%22And Remember%21 Google is your Friend%21%21%22 37|2|31|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|BeardedFerret||17:02:52|11/17/2009|%3EBut then she proceeds to break her father%27s record on the test track%2C %0D%0A%3Eher band also does the theme tune of the show%2C and she%27s the first %0D%0A%3Eperson to have communicated with the Stig - no%2C sorry%2C that%27s a little %0D%0A%3Etoo much. I%27m not watching a TV programme from a universe where %0D%0A%3Eeverything is awesome%2C I%27m watching an author spoil their favourite %0D%0A%3Echaracter with gifts. %0D%0A%0D%0AIf we%27re talking about doing fun things with SIARPC guests%2C you really can%27t go past Christopher Eccleston%2C whose Reasonably Priced Car materialised at the starting line accompanied by the TARDIS sound.%0D%0A%0D%0AI wouldn%27t call it spoiling%2C so much. One of the best parts of Top Gear%2C and in particular the time challenges%2C is seeing records get broken. Simon Cowell and Jamoroquai%27s JK%27s ongoing battle for the top spot is a great example of that in real life %28incidentally%2C torrents of the shows are availible at www.finalgear.com if you want to catch up - I%27d strongly recommend it%29. Presumably this show will lead to a similar competition between Kate%2C her dad and Tony Stark %28assuming neither JK nor Simon Cowell were given Omega 2%29.%0D%0A%0D%0AI mean%2C sure%2C the episode seems a bit Hutchins focused but it really does stay true to the original while adding a touch of UF. It was also an unconventional way to catch up with a character who hasn%27t seen much of the spotlight this year%2C which I enjoyed a lot. If anything%2C I would say that the Griffon%2C rather than Kate%2C was the bridge too far%2C but even then it%27s only by a bit and it does make a kind of meta-sense in that it%27s conceivable that you%27d see that sort of car%2Fguest crossover on a real episode of Top Gear.%0D%0A%0D%0AEven that%27s only a minor niggle though. For me%2C it%27s the greatest fake Top Gear script...%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A...In the world. 38|3|37|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||17:16:37|11/17/2009|%3EPresumably this show will lead to a %0D%0A%3Esimilar competition between Kate%2C her dad and Tony Stark %28assuming %0D%0A%3Eneither JK nor Simon Cowell were given Omega 2%29. %0D%0A%0D%0AIf Simon Cowell was involved in Project Hero%2C something went %5Bi%5Dhorribly%2C horribly wrong.%5B%2Fi%5D Jay Kay%2C maybe%3B I%27m not a big Jamiroquai fan %28I think the only song of theirs I%27ve even heard is the one with the video that had the sliding furniture%29%2C but he seems to be a fun guy%2C and a friend to the motorcar%2C which is always a plus. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EEven that%27s only a minor niggle though. For me%2C it%27s the greatest fake %0D%0A%3ETop Gear script... %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3E...In the world. %0D%0A%0D%0AI see what you did there%21%0D%0A%0D%0A%28Although one wonders - idly%2C rhetorically%2C and entirely not in a way that should be construed as wanting anyone to actually %5Bi%5Dgo and find out%5B%2Fi%5D - just how many fake %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D scripts there %5Bi%5Dare%5B%2Fi%5D... in the world.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 41|3|37|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Senji||07:39:11|11/18/2009|%3EIf we%27re talking about doing fun things with SIARPC guests%2C you really %0D%0A%3Ecan%27t go past Christopher Eccleston%2C whose Reasonably Priced Car %0D%0A%3Ematerialised at the starting line accompanied by the TARDIS sound. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A Now I have the image of%2C say%2C Pertwee in this segment and them doing a quick switch to replace the RPC with Bessie...%0D%0A%0D%0AS. 50|2|31|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Peter Eng||13:37:57|11/20/2009|%3E%0D%0A%3EBut then she proceeds to break her father%27s record on the test track%2C%0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%0D%0AI guarantee that there%27s going to be a %5Bi%5Dfurious%5B%2Fi%5D argument on alt.fan.top-gear over the relative crappiness of Gryphon%27s car %28which%2C for all I know%2C was a 2399 Trabant%29 and the %2707 Popular%2C with some people claiming that if they were in the similar cars%2C Gryphon would win the time trial.%0D%0A%0D%0APeter Eng%0D%0A--%0D%0AInsert humorous comment here. 51|3|50|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||13:56:45|11/20/2009|%3E2399 Trabant%0D%0A%0D%0AWow%2C what an image. The mind boggles%2C especially picturing the East Germany-style planet such a thing would presumably come from.%0D%0A%0D%0AIn real life%2C when they changed Reasonably Priced Cars in series 8%2C they reset the lap time board%2C recognizing that the new RPC performed slightly better than the old one had %28though they still dust off the old one from time to time to test F1 drivers%29. If the same convention is still observed in 2410%2C then presumably G also set his time in the Pop %28or another one just like it - we know Atomic Robo destroyed %22the previous Reasonably Priced Car%22%2C but we don%27t know whether that was %5Bi%5Dalso%5B%2Fi%5D a 2407 Popular or%2C perhaps%2C the show took that opportunity to change models%29.%0D%0A%0D%0AI should note here that %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D has not been continuously in production since 2002 in the UF universe%2C nor has it had these same three presenters the whole time. One or another %28or all%29 of them will tend to wander off and pursue other occupations from time to time%3B the show will either go out of production or continue on with other presenters%2C and then%2C eventually%2C there%27ll be a revival. The Galacticpedia page tracking the various series and episodes is %5Bi%5Denormous%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0AIt%27s also worth noting that Clarkson and May aren%27t the only people associated with the original pre-Contact version of %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D to survive into the 25th century. Tiff Needell and Vicki Butler-Henderson still pop up from time to time as well. VB-H%2C for example%2C has been known to function as a sort of backup Stig %28for those occasions when they need two of them%29 and general disruptor of the all-boy clubhouse atmosphere %28similar to the Grey Spy in %5Bi%5DSpy vs. Spy%5B%2Fi%5D%29. She also makes frequent appearances on %5Bi%5DRichard Hammond%27s Galaxy of Danger%21%5B%2Fi%5D%2C %5Bi%5DThe Adventures of Captain Slow%5B%2Fi%5D%2C and Jeremy%27s semi-fictionalized young person%27s supernatural detective adventure series%2C %5Bi%5DClarkson %26 Brunel %28Deceased%29%5B%2Fi%5D.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 52|4|51|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Peter Eng||16:50:40|11/20/2009|Oh%21 They get the same car. %28Well%2C I said I didn%27t watch the show.%29%0D%0A%0D%0AAs for the concept of a 2399 Trabant%2C you%27re right. That is brain-breaking%2C especially since I hadn%27t considered the requirement of a planet to have it come from.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28Based on the anecdotes I%27ve heard%2C the real-life Trabant is a strain to the imagination.%29%0D%0A%0D%0APeter Eng%0D%0A--%0D%0AInsert humorous comment here. 53|5|52|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Prince Charon||23:44:35|11/20/2009|The thought of a 2399 Trabant possibly existing in UF makes me wonder of there%27s something like a 2401 Belv out there. With Clarke%27s gov%27t on Earth%2C I could see the economy getting pretty bad in a lot of places.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnother thought%2C related to the above%3A This incarnation of Top Gear getting a challenge to %27take the most crap car on the market%2C and turn it into something you%27d actually enjoy going for a drive in.%27 %28In May%27s case%2C a rather leisurely drive%2C I would think.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%93They planned their campaigns just as you might make a splendid piece of harness. It looks very well%3B and answers very well%3B until it gets broken%3B and then you are done for. Now I made my campaigns of ropes. If anything went wrong%2C I tied a knot%3B and went on.%94%0D%0A%09-- Arthur Wellesley%2C First Duke of Wellington 54|5|52|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Mephron||15:19:57|11/21/2009|%3E%28Based on the anecdotes I%27ve heard%2C the real-life Trabant is a strain %0D%0A%3Eto the imagination.%29 %0D%0A%0D%0AI have relatives in the former East Germany %28near Dresden%2C in fact%29%2C and they %5Bi%5Dstill have%5B%2Fi%5D a Trabant. The parts are cheap%2C even today%2C and as one of my family over there is half-owner of a metal shop%2C he gets his income in part by making whatever isn%27t still sold for spare parts.%0D%0A%0D%0AOf course%2C he says%2C he%27d never drive the Trabant. He likes not having matching bruises on buttocks and skull%2C as he puts it.%0D%0A%0D%0A--%0D%0AGeoff Depew - Darth Mephron%0D%0AHaberdasher to Androids%2C Dark Lord of Sith Tech Support.%0D%0A%22And Remember%21 Google is your Friend%21%21%22 55|6|54|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||15:32:33|11/21/2009|%3E%3E%28Based on the anecdotes I%27ve heard%2C the real-life Trabant is a strain %0D%0A%3E%3Eto the imagination.%29 %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EI have relatives in the former East Germany %28near Dresden%2C in fact%29%2C %0D%0A%3Eand they %5Bi%5Dstill have%5B%2Fi%5D a Trabant.%0D%0A%0D%0ATrue fact%3A The body panels of the Trabant are made from cotton. %28Well%2C cotton-reinforced resin. Or resin-reinforced cotton%2C depending on how you look at it.%29 So%2C if nothing else%2C it%27s not like they%27ll have major fender-rust problems. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 56|7|55|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|MoonEyes||15:58:33|11/21/2009|%3ETrue fact%3A The body panels of the Trabant are made from cotton. %0D%0A%3E%28Well%2C cotton-reinforced resin. Or resin-reinforced cotton%2C depending %0D%0A%3Eon how you look at it.%29 So%2C if nothing else%2C it%27s not like they%27ll %0D%0A%3Ehave major fender-rust problems. %3A%29 %0D%0A%0D%0AWell%2C FIBRE-reinforced resin. But yes%2C cotton was one of the fibres that was used in Duroplast. So was wool. 61|5|52|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|TheOtherSean||21:35:14|11/22/2009|%3E%28Based on the anecdotes I%27ve heard%2C the real-life Trabant is a strain %0D%0A%3Eto the imagination.%29 %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0AIt%27s pretty hideous. I%27ve seen one once %28and only once%2C thankfully%29 in the Cold War section at the USAF museum in Dayton%2C OH. Just reading the materials used is enough to make one cringe - very little metal or plastic for the body%2C mostly wood and fabric scraps%2C IIRC. I would not want to by driving one if a bicycle slammed into one. 39|1|0|||1||Wow%2C that%27s vaguely uncanny.|Gryphon||20:49:05|11/17/2009|Obviously when I wrote this piece%2C I hadn%27t seen the first episode of the new %5Bi%5DTop Gear%5B%2Fi%5D series yet%2C because it hadn%27t aired... but the last part of it took place on %5Blink%3Aen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FTransfagarasan%7Ca very convincing stand-in%5D for my mental image of the Tau Ceti Eastern Coast Highway anyway. Really%2C the match for the imagery I had in my head is quite startling. The only thing that%27s missing%2C inasmuch as the real road is in central Romania%2C is the sea view. So%2C I guess%2C cross the Transf%26%23259%3Bg%26%23259%3Br%26%23259%3B%26%23351%3Ban with the more dramatic bits of the Pacific Coast Highway and you%27re pretty much there.%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 67|2|39|||1||RE%3A Wow%2C that%27s vaguely uncanny.|Pasha||16:15:27|11/24/2009|PEDANT ALERT%0D%0AThe %27dramatic%27 parts of that highway are mostly in sections of it that are not actually called the Pacific Coast Highway. Just%2C you know%2C saying.%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A-- %0D%0A-Pasha %28who drives over a stretch of road called %22Devil%27s Slide%22 twice a day%29%0D%0AWhat was that feeling again%3F%0D%0AOh yes.%0D%0A-Rage- 68|3|67|||1||RE%3A Wow%2C that%27s vaguely uncanny.|Gryphon||17:00:46|11/24/2009|%3EPEDANT ALERT %0D%0A%3EThe %27dramatic%27 parts of that highway are mostly in sections of it that %0D%0A%3Eare not actually called the Pacific Coast Highway. Just%2C you know%2C %0D%0A%3Esaying. %0D%0A%0D%0AANTI-PEDANT ALERT%0D%0AI don%27t care.%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Bsmall%5D... well%2C actually%2C I thought that was a generic name for the entire span of California 1%2C since it%2C you know%2C %5Bi%5Dfollows the Pacific coast%5B%2Fi%5D. But now that I think about it some more%2C I really %5Bi%5Ddon%27t%5B%2Fi%5D care%2C so. %3A%29%5B%2Fsmall%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 69|4|68|||1||RE%3A Wow%2C that%27s vaguely uncanny.|Wedge||18:16:20|11/24/2009|%3E%5Bsmall%5D... well%2C actually%2C I thought that was a generic name for the %0D%0A%3Eentire span of California 1%2C since it%2C you know%2C %5Bi%5Dfollows the %0D%0A%3EPacific coast%5B%2Fi%5D. But now that I think about it some more%2C I really %0D%0A%3E%5Bi%5Ddon%27t%5B%2Fi%5D care%2C so. %3A%29%5B%2Fsmall%5D %0D%0A%0D%0AI%27ve never heard anyone down here refer to it as anything other%2C as technically correct as the other multiple regional names it has may be. Must be one of those snobby Bay Area things. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%5Btable border%3D%220%22 cellspacing%3D%220%22 cellpadding%3D%220%22%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%221%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd%5Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.gweep.net%2F%7Ewedge%2Fufchad_ficon.jpg%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btd%5DChad Collier%0D%0ASmirking Kilrathi%0D%0A%5Bfont color%3D%230000CC%5DThe Captain of the Gravy Train%5B%2Ffont%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5B%2Ftr%5D%5Btr%5D%5Btd colspan%3D%222%22%5D%5Bhr size%3D%221%22 noshade%5D%5B%2Ftd%5D%5Btr%5D%5B%2Ftable%5D 70|5|69|||1||RE%3A Wow%2C that%27s vaguely uncanny.|Pasha||01:53:05|11/25/2009|%0D%0A%3EI%27ve never heard anyone down here refer to it as anything other%2C as %0D%0A%3Etechnically correct as the other multiple regional names it has may %0D%0A%3Ebe. Must be one of those snobby Bay Area things. %3A%29 %0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0AIt%27s more one of those %22not SoCal%22 things%2C since nobody north of%2C say...SLO calls it that. It%27s like how you all say %22The 101%22 and we just say %22101%22. To you%2C it%27s the PCH%2C to us it%27s Highway 1%2C or just 1.%0D%0A-- %0D%0A-Pasha%0D%0AWhat was that feeling again%3F%0D%0AOh yes.%0D%0A-Rage- 71|6|70|||||RE%3A Wow%2C that%27s vaguely uncanny.|Star Ranger4||22:35:58|11/26/2009|%3EIt%27s more one of those %22not SoCal%22 things%2C since nobody north of%2C %0D%0A%3Esay...SLO calls it that. It%27s like how you all say %22The 101%22 and we %0D%0A%3Ejust say %22101%22. To you%2C it%27s the PCH%2C to us it%27s Highway 1%2C or just %0D%0A%3E1. %0D%0A%0D%0A%2A%2AStarts to interject into this...%2A%2A%0D%0A%0D%0A%2A%2ARealised thats a really DUMB idea%2A%2A%0D%0A%0D%0AAll in all%2C I cant think of anything to add that someone else hasnt said already%2C well except for this%3A%0D%0A%0D%0AIs whatever it is that May%27s %28or was it Hammond%3F%3F%3F%29 owes Skuld breakfast over pertainent enough we might hear about it later%3F Doubt it%2C but thougth I%27d ask... 72|7|71|||1||RE%3A Wow%2C that%27s vaguely uncanny.|Gryphon||23:00:48|11/26/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-26-09 AT 11:03 PM (EST)]%3EIs whatever it is that May%27s %28or was it Hammond%3F%3F%3F%29 owes Skuld %0D%0A%3Ebreakfast over pertainent enough we might hear about it later%3F%0D%0A%0D%0ASeems unlikely%2C given that that line is a kind of salacious joke. Customarily speaking%2C you see%2C a man owes a woman breakfast when he%27s done something that%27s kept her at his house all night. May%27s stuffy answer %28which is a quote from %5Bi%5DLive and Let Die%5B%2Fi%5D%2C I think - one of the Roger Moore 007 films%2C anyway%29 is the sort of answer someone in that position would tend to give.%0D%0A%0D%0AMind you%2C this is James May we%27re talking about - and Skuld%2C for that matter - so it%27s entirely conceivable that what she spent the entire evening at his place doing with him was playing with his Scalextric set. But still. That%27s the point of the joke - it%27s ambiguous and might or might not even be salacious. Though it must be admitted that he is rather her sort of chap.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28As an aside%2C you guys seem to have forgotten - again%21 - that it doesn%27t cost money to make new topics for things when the old ones get up past 50. I mention this solely because I%27m on very slow dial-up at my grandparents%27 tonight and it has come back home to me what agony it is to download a long story post with 70-odd comments after it when you%27re not on your 3-megabit DSL at home. And I%27m never really in a position to do that myself because I%27m almost always answering a question when I post in mid-thread. %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 40|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|CdrMike||21:25:33|11/17/2009|400%2B years later and these three blokes are still managing to find ways to get in trouble. Sometimes%2C I think the only reason the BBC keeps them on is because the fans would revolt if they ever considered canceling the series.%0D%0A%0D%0ASeems the Griffin Mk 2%27s earned itself a place in the Super Cool Fridge%2C if not its own category entirely. %0D%0A%0D%0AThe news segment seems a bit abbreviated%2C but considering how much they had to pack into the episode%2C that can be forgiven. Too bad they couldn%27t wedge in a joke about the 405th anniversary edition of the Dacia Sandero.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28Speaking of which%2C that was an unbelievably cruel joke that Jeremy played on James this week. It was almost like giving somebody a new puppy%2C and then having some random guy come in and drop-kick it before their very eyes.%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EClarkson %28VO%29%3A The Tlaloc%2C having overheard that a crisis was afoot%2C responded in the time-honored Aztechmotors tradition%3A It panicked and broke down immediately.%0D%0A%0D%0ASure they didn%27t just rebadge a Peugeot%3F If so%2C Hammond should be thankful it didn%27t spontaneously combust.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3ESubtitle%3A Honorless dogs%21 Make way for Captain Slow%21%0D%0A%0D%0AI%27ll just be a sec%2C I gotta wipe the tears from my eyes and catch my breath.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EClarkson %28shouting%29%3A WE%27RE TRAPPED ON TAU CETI AND EARTHGOV WANTS US DEAD%21%0D%0A%0D%0AA veritable poet%2C he is.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EClarkson %28wincing%29%3A Ooh. Yes%2C I can see that%2C especially there. Or on New Japan%2C I dare say. Whenever we take Top Gear Live to New Japan they swarm Richard Hammond like piranha. James and I throw him out of the limousine and make our escape while they%27re tearing off all his clothes.%0D%0A%0D%0AEven in the 25th century%2C Richard Hammond is something of a sex symbol. The others...not so much.%0D%0A%0D%0AHaving Kate and The Stig %22communicate%22 via %5Bi%5DWild Signals%5B%2Fi%5D%3A Sheer brilliance.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3EHammond %28on radio%29%3A Which explains how you can fit in the cockpit at all.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe Hamster%27s just jealous that he%27d need a booster seat to reach the controls.%0D%0A%0D%0AAll in all%2C truly a fantastic episode. I don%27t know how they%27re going to top this...perhaps challenging them to turn a Bond Bug into an Asteroid Racer. 43|1|0|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Nathan||04:22:34|11/19/2009|So%2C just now%2C I had an abrupt%2C belated realization%2C of the %27Wait%2C that should%27ve been obvious%2C %5Bi%5Dand it%27s brilliant%5B%2Fi%5D%27 flavor.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe killer psycho monster-zonda thing died in the custody of one J. B. Gibson%2C didn%27t it%3F 74|2|43|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||02:52:25|01/04/2013|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Jan-05-13 AT 11:54 PM (EST)]%3ESo%2C just now%2C I had an abrupt%2C belated realization%2C of the %27Wait%2C that %0D%0A%3Eshould%27ve been obvious%2C %5Bi%5Dand it%27s brilliant%5B%2Fi%5D%27 flavor. %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EThe killer psycho monster-zonda thing died in the custody of one J. B. %0D%0A%3EGibson%2C didn%27t it%3F %0D%0A%0D%0AI don%27t know how I missed this years ago%2C but hey%2C it%27s my party and I%27ll necro if I want to%2C so%3A%0D%0A%0D%0AYes%3B yes it did. %5Bs%5DWell%2C one of them did.%5B%2Fs%5D %5Bsmall%5D%28Forgot I%27d had James say there was only one Mk I.%29%5B%2Fsmall%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A%5Bsmall%5DAlthough in my memory of the actual OVA%2C the car%27s final form ends up looking eerily like a %5Blink%3Aen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FGumpert_Apollo%7CGumpert Apollo%5D.%5B%2Fsmall%5D%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Mod%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0Azgryphon at that email service Google has%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 75|3|74|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Nathan||23:34:14|01/05/2013|%3EI don%27t know how I missed this years ago%2C but hey%2C it%27s my party and %0D%0A%3EI%27ll necro if I want to%2C so%3A %0D%0A%3E%0D%0A%3EYes%3B yes it did. Well%2C one of them did. %0D%0A%0D%0AMan%2C I%27d forgotten all about this%2C too%2C but it%27s good to have confirmation. Especially since the paragraph in question %5Bi%5Dstill%5B%2Fi%5D makes me burst out laughing every time I read it.%0D%0A%0D%0A%28%22I%27m not joking. %5Bi%5DRichard Hammond%5B%2Fi%5D was afraid of it%2C and in his life he%27s owned ten Zondas %5Bi%5Dand%5B%2Fi%5D one atomic bomb. Though not all at the same time.%22%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E%5Bsmall%5DAlthough in my memory of the actual OVA%2C the car%27s final form %0D%0A%3Eends up looking eerily like a %0D%0A%3E%5Blink%3Aen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FGumpert_Apollo%7CGumpert Apollo%5D.%5B%2Fsmall%5D %0D%0A%0D%0AAfter the Apollo suffered a tragic transporter accident with the dread beast of Ormagoeden%2C yeah. 49|1|0|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Peter Eng||11:44:51|11/20/2009|%3E This is probably not going to be particularly funny - or even make much of any%0D%0A%3E sense - to those of you who don%27t watch %28or just don%27t like%29 Top Gear.%0D%0A%0D%0AEither I%27m somewhere on the far side of the probability curve%2C or you%27re Just Plain Wrong on that estimate.%0D%0A%0D%0APeter Eng%0D%0A--%0D%0AInsert humorous comment here. 57|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|JFerio||16:18:07|11/21/2009|And I%27m pretty sure I found video of a car behaving similarly to the Griffon Mk 2 on the track%3A http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DWaWoo82zNUA 58|2|57|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|BobSchroeck||17:11:24|11/21/2009|%3EAnd I%27m pretty sure I found video of a car behaving similarly to the %0D%0A%3EGriffon Mk 2 on the track%3A %0D%0A%0D%0A%3Cchuckle%3E %22It%27s so quick%2C it can destroy your entire face...%22%0D%0A%0D%0A-- Bob%0D%0A-------------------%0D%0AFive years ago I was a four-stone apology. Today I am two separate gorillas. 59|3|58|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Kokuten||19:18:17|11/21/2009|Epiglottis. Bees.%0D%0A%0D%0A-- %0D%0AKokuten Daysleeper%0D%0ARCW %2313013%0D%0A%28Insert Witticism Here%29 62|4|59|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|kenabi||23:54:51|11/22/2009|I don%27t even need to watch that%2C to know it%27s the Ariel Atom.%0D%0A%0D%0AJust be careful of the hotwireability factor.%0D%0A%0D%0AOh yes%2C and the bees. They do love those epiglottises. 73|4|59|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||21:58:00|05/30/2011|%3EEpiglottis. Bees. %0D%0A%0D%0A%5Blink%3Aplangkye.deviantart.com%2Fart%2FTop-Gear-Top-Quotes-S05E09-140737160%7CEpiglottis%3B bees.%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 60|2|57|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Tzukumori||20:32:21|11/21/2009|Good lord%2C that car is fast%21 The skin on his neck looks like it%27s gonna peel off.%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0A%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%0D%0A%0D%0A%22I believe that when life gives you lemons%2C you make lemonade. %0D%0AThen find someone whose life gives them vodka and have a party.%22%0D%0A%5Bi%5D--Ron White%2C stand-up comedian.%5B%2Fi%5D%0D%0A%0D%0A%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D%3D 63|1|0|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|kenabi||00:15:33|11/23/2009|You know%2C Gryph%2C I%27m actually forced to wonder what the lads themselves would think of this.%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0AClarkson%3E Good lord%2C have they been moonlighting on me%3F We%27ll see about that%2C right after I stick the pair of them in a set of Mercedes C-classes for a month.%0D%0AAnd whoever it is they got to play me%2C clearly too hysterical%2C and he needed to make fun of Hammond more. What%27s a bloke got to do to get a proper impersonation these days%3F Hmmm.. I do like that Stig though%2C Classy.%0D%0A%0D%0A%3E%3E%3EHammond%3A And now the news. The Internet has just exploded thanks to time time that car posted. Video signal experts have confirmed that we both faked and DIDN%27T fake that lap%3B there are reports from Salusia that the Mark II will be re-entering production next year%2C in two years%2C and never%3B and despite the fact that 999 were made%2C 10%2C482 people have just joined the Griffon Mark II Owners%27 Club.%0D%0A%3E%3E%3E%0D%0A%0D%0A%0D%0Atime time%3F %3Av%0D%0A 64|2|63|||1||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|Gryphon||01:17:45|11/23/2009|[updated:LAST EDITED ON Nov-23-09 AT 01:20 AM (EST)]%3EI%27m actually forced to wonder what the lads themselves would think of this.%0D%0A%0D%0AAt a guess%2C something along the lines of%2C %5Bi%5DWhat the fuck is %5B%2Fi%5Dthis%5Bi%5D in aid of%3F God%2C the Internet. Especially in America.%5B%2Fi%5D %3A%29%0D%0A%0D%0A%3Etime time%3F %3Av %0D%0A%0D%0AWhat%2C your whole life has been typo-free%3F Congratulations on that...%0D%0A%0D%0A--G.%0D%0A-%3E%3C-%0D%0ABenjamin D. Hutchins%2C Co-Founder%2C Editor-in-Chief%2C %26 Forum Admin%0D%0AEyrie Productions%2C Unlimited http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eyrie-productions.com%2F%0D%0A%5Bi%5DCeterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.%5B%2Fi%5D 65|3|64|||||RE%3A Bonus Story%3A Road Film %28With Fighting%29|kenabi||05:40:40|11/23/2009|hardly%2C just thought I%27d point it out %3Av fabulous writeup though.