Well, since poor Mephron is disappointed by the lack of responses, I guess I should comment just to say I've read it. Honestly, there isn't much I really wanted to comment on...

Geoff doesn't do much for me in a central role. He is really fun as a side character (like in the CSI stories) or opposite someone like Logan where he can be shown wrestling with his various demons. Having him keep his depths to himself makes sense in this context (and I'm definitely not suggesting he should lapse into wangsting about his past with every appearance), but it does make him something of a non-entity.

Also, he doesn't strike me as the leadership type. He's always been either the solo operative type or the working with one trusted partner type. From there to leading a ragtag bunch of schoolgirls without as much as a "thank God I took that two-week correspondence course from Commander Tenjou" just seems a bit of a stretch.

None of the other characters are ones I'm familiar with and I'm still kind of disappointed that The Lightning User Previously Known As Kilovolt didn't make the cut.

Saya and Lain's banter was decently entertaining, but they both come across as being on the stoic side so there isn't much of the Odd Couple effect that makes duo banter *really* fun.

Penance made me nostalgic for my CoH group since one of the guys loves playing characters of that type.

Mike grated on my nerves. I heard all his lines in the sort of voice the Small Annoying Creature in 80's cartoons would have. Let's just say I did not feel overwhelming relief when it turned out he wasn't dead and leave it at that.

As for Max, well - I had trouble remembering the name referred to a female and kept mentally inserting Timothy Van Patten's character from the Master Ninja "movies".

Overall the whole thing felt rushed. I can't help thinking it would read better as a two-parter, with a slow character-building first part and a more action-ny second part. That was I could get to know the characters a bit better and the action would give each suspenseful moment its due instead of quickly resolving it to move on to the next one: "will Our Heroes defeat MODO- oh wait, they did. BUT! Will they esca- oh wait, they did. BUT! Will Lain recover fro- oh wait, she did. I guess it's all okay then."

Wow, that's kind of a downer. I guess it's why I didn't comment in the first place.