[In which Bill Bailey, with the aid of Anne Dudley and the BBC Concert Orchestra, brilliantly sends up the entire 1970s progressive rock "triple-LP incomprehensible concept album" genre in four minutes. Excerpted from Cosmic Shindig, which was a sort of prototype of Bill Bailey's Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra they did for BBC Radio 3 the previous year.]

The jester hops on the Leg of Time
The scourge of the wizard nation
Madrigal chanting is no crime
When you're suckled by a blind Alsatian
Who stole the Leg of Time?

Seen through the eyes of Murgar's kestrel
Where's the tiny mouse? There it is!
Ah ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Ride a white pig to the edge of Lapland
Why did I do that? Why did I do that?
I don't know
Who stole the Leg of Time?

When Time had one leg it couldn't march
It stopped
It hopped
Who stole the Leg of Time?

Was it the wizards?
Was it the goblins?
Was it the elves?
Was it the dwarves?
Was it the kestrels?
Was it the satyrs?
Was it the brain police?
What?
Or was it the man with the key to the Door of Reality
Underneath the Mat of Insignificance?

No?
Well who was it then?
Was it the terrorists?
Was it the pterodactyls?
It was Terry
Terry
Terry stole the Leg of Time

Cockney middle eight!
Oh Terry, you slag, you nicked the Leg of Time
Give it back before you get a slap
Oh, take it to the Dog and Duck and leave it be'ind the bar
Or you'll get a slap, sunshine
Don't gimme no rabbit
Leave it be'ind the bar
Get off me sister
Leave it be'ind the bar
Give m'alf a pound
Leave it be'ind the baaaar

Who stole the Leg of Time?
Terry stole the Leg of Time!
The theft of Time's leg was his crime

- Bill Bailey (w/Anne Dudley & the BBC Concert Orchestra)
"The Leg of Time"
Cosmic Shindig (BBC Radio 3, 2008)

I wonder if Terry refers to Pratchett, given that the "Trousers of Time" is one of his bits.

One cannot be sure. It could just be young Mr. Bailey being completely bloody mental. It is hard to tell.

Sometimes, it must be said, Mr. Bailey is not being mental. He is just taking an idea and running with it- in fact, taking it to its illogical conclusion.

"It's difficult keeping up with the cross-continuity, but I think Cosmouse just gave The Saturnian Scraphunter his Ultimate Pacifier to use against Galactapuss..."

Indeed. However, taking something to an illogical conclusion involved illogical behaviour on the part of the speaker.

Not quite.

It's like the idea that Jedi might be considered an official religion here in the UK. We get onto the thorny issue of Lightsabers. Now, do they count as religious artifacts, the same way that Sikhs are allowed to carry knives, or do they get classed as offensive weapons? More to the point, who confiscates them if they are offensive weapons? And would that mean that the Police would have to employ Sith? In addition, in the interests of equality, the police would ALSO have to employ Jedi as well.

I'm sure you can see where this ends up- a serious mess.

"It's difficult keeping up with the cross-continuity, but I think Cosmouse just gave The Saturnian Scraphunter his Ultimate Pacifier to use against Galactapuss..."

>One cannot be sure. It could just be young Mr. Bailey being completely
>bloody mental. It is hard to tell.

Nah, Bill's not mental. Although he has taken quite a lot of drugs over the years, by his own admission. But no, in this case, the people who are mental are the people whose concept albums he's mocking. "Bands who shall remain ELP and Yes," as he put it in the intro to this piece. :)

"The Leg of Time" instantly became my favorite riff on that era of rock music, eclipsing the bit on Top Gear in which May and Clarkson discussed the new Hyundai Genesis, to the complete bafflement of Hammond. "So presumably that means that in a few years, the front will leave and Phil Collins will come round from the back to the front, leaving Chester Thompson at the back. And occasionally Phil Collins will go back to the back with Chester Thompson and - " "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU TWO ARE SAYING NOW." "The best part is, it's got a 60-degree V6, right, and in between the two banks of cylinders? A 16-minute keyboard solo."

--G.
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I am aware of his lack of mental-ness, if that is the correct word. Probably not, but there you are. The song, however, required him to at least pretend like he'd gone clean round the twist to get a decent level of parody.

Method comedy, mayhap.

In any event, 'tis unimportant. He can do what he likes and say what he likes because he is famous, despite looking like everyone's really weird cousin. You know, the one who lives in a converted barn somewhere rural and spent most of his childhood grinning and eating the wallpaper.