>Even though I can't read the Japanese on the ad, for some reason, it
>seems to me like it'd have the slogan, "Life's a hassle. Have a
>Hassy."

You got me curious, so I threw the image into Google Translate. I fiddled with the results a bit to make more sense, but for the most part this is what Google came up with.

Above the can:
"New century physical strength recovery drink."

Large white text on the right:
"Hassy has landed in Japan, and is becoming popular in Bolivia!"

Fine print:
Collect 5 Hassy stickers and invite 30 pairs and 60 people to travel to Saturn!!

If you collect and send 5 HASSY SEALs that are currently attached to HASSY RECOVER, 60 people in 30 groups will be given a trip to Saturn on the private Saturn passenger ship ``Haru Ichiban''! (Scheduled to depart in 2020)

Tamaki

A fantastic spacewalk in the middle of nowhere, and a landing on Saturn that has never been done before by humans. Let's enjoy the mysteries of the universe like no one has ever experienced before! (It takes approximately 32 years and 8 months to travel to Saturn and back.)

[How to apply] Paste 5 Hassy stickers on a carrier pigeon and apply.
[Address] USA
[Deadline] The end of January 2019
[Announcement of winners] “Professional Baseball Rare Plays and Plays (Kintetsu/Sano Edition)” program Announcement in the corner

Recycle empty cans of HASSY RECOVER

HASSY is a registered trademark of KIMRA BEVERAGE.

Peter Eng
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Insert humorous comment here.