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Subject: "...Anniversaries" Archived thread - Read only
 
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dstar
Member since Oct-19-02
153 posts
Jul-26-17, 10:39 PM (EDT)
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"...Anniversaries"
 
   One year minus two weeks ago, my wife was diagnosed with squamous cell throat cancer.

Four months and four days ago, she died.

Twenty-four years ago today, we were married.

I never managed to get her hooked on any of the EPU stories. In retrospect, trying to start her on NXE was probably a mistake; I suspect she'd have enjoyed the Symphony better.

Either way, to be honest, I never expected EPU to outlast her.

If you're in love, never, ever take it for granted. The one thing that brings me comfort is that I never did so. I believe... hope... desperately think... that she knew that.

Not that it makes me want to live without her. I'd... um... well, I was going to say I'd kill for a meteorite that vaporized my bedroom without affecting the rest of the house, but then I wouldn't be in any shape to do that, so... uh... I'd try to satisfy any bargains from beyond the grave? I dunno. To be honest, if I was reunited with her right now, I probably wouldn't be _able_ to honor any bargains, so, y'know, probably not the best credit risk, so to speak....


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: ...Anniversaries Gryphonadmin Jul-26-17 1
     RE: ...Anniversaries dstar Jul-28-17 2
         RE: ...Anniversaries MoonEyes Jul-30-17 3
             RE: ...Anniversaries Mephronmoderator Jul-30-17 4
                 RE: ...Anniversaries Star Ranger4 Jul-31-17 5
                     RE: ...Anniversaries Proginoskes Aug-01-17 6
                 RE: ...Anniversaries dstar Aug-12-17 7

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Gryphonadmin
Charter Member
22374 posts
Jul-26-17, 11:34 PM (EDT)
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1. "RE: ...Anniversaries"
In response to message #0
 
   !

:( That really blows, I'm so sorry. I haven't been in a situation to compare, so any words of encouragement I can add might come across as pompous, but... I really hope you don't give up.

--G.
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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dstar
Member since Oct-19-02
153 posts
Jul-28-17, 00:12 AM (EDT)
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2. "RE: ...Anniversaries"
In response to message #1
 
   Give up....

That's a hard statement to reply to.

Vel wasn't the center of my world.

She _was_ my world. Quite literally, there's nothing I did that didn't relate to her. The closest I can think of is my programming for work... and even then I told her when I managed something worth mentioning.

Give up?

I'm not positive the concept actually applies.

I don't _think_ I'm likely to do anything, well... terminal in the next couple of years. If I still feel like this in five years or so? All bets are off.

My paternal grandmother is, I think, 92 this year. The thought of living another 48 years like this is... utterly horrific. I don't know how she did it -- my grandfather died of leukemia when I was... I don't even remember. Twelve at the oldest, so at least thirty-odd years ago.

I'm pretty sure you'll agree with this sentiment: Fuck cancer. Fuck it hard, sideways, with a chainsaw and no lube.

It's a pity that the 'cure for cancer' is looking like the 'cure for the common cold', in that both things to be cured are actually a vast collection of similar diseases.

When Vel got messed up by Charity Hospital in New Orleans, at least there was someone to be mad about. In this case? Even in hindsight, well... there's nothing that sticks out. _If_ it was a problem with her breathing, then in retrospect maybe the doc who wanted to give her a tracheotomy for no reason back at the beginning might have been rightt by accident (another, more experienced doctor, said that there was no reason to other than that it was better to do it when it wasn't needed than when it was)... but as there were no indications of distress as you'd expect to see when someone couldn't breath, it's more likely that it was a massive stroke as a result of the chemotherapy.

And in _that_ case, it's better a massive stroke that killed her than a lesser one that left her brain-dead... or, worse, one that left her with just enough awareness to know that she'd lost most of her mental capacity. I know for a fact that that idea was pretty much her worst nightmare, quite literally -- she woke up occasionally after having dreams about things like that.

And if it was a result of the chemotherapy... well, something that killed her quickly, or dying slowly... it's not a hard choice to make, especially if the first includes the possibility of, you know, _not dying_.

But god, I'd give anything to go back to 2015 with what I know now.


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MoonEyes
Member since Jun-29-03
1125 posts
Jul-30-17, 07:14 AM (EDT)
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3. "RE: ...Anniversaries"
In response to message #2
 
   LAST EDITED ON Jul-30-17 AT 07:15 AM (EDT)
 
>She _was_ my world. Quite literally, there's nothing I did that didn't
>relate to her. The closest I can think of is my programming for
>work... and even then I told her when I managed something worth
>mentioning.
>
>Give up?
>
>I'm not positive the concept actually applies.
>
>I don't _think_ I'm likely to do anything, well... terminal in the
>next couple of years. If I still feel like this in five years or so?
>All bets are off.

The day before you posted that was the birthday of my Erin. Except, well...
http://www.eyrie-productions.com/Forum/dcboard.cgi?az=show_thread&om=1312&forum=DCForumID11

So, yeah. I made a promise and so, I won't be. But, I guarantee you'll be feeling it. Every day, at some point or another, you'll feel it. And at first, you don't feel much of anything ELSE. It took me at least the first year before it was ALWAYS there.

>My paternal grandmother is, I think, 92 this year. The thought of
>living another 48 years like this is... utterly horrific. I don't know
>how she did it -- my grandfather died of leukemia when I was... I
>don't even remember. Twelve at the oldest, so at least thirty-odd
>years ago.

...that's the problem I have. I don't want another 40+ years of this.

>But god, I'd give anything to go back to 2015 with what I know now.

Oh, yes. Anything and everything.

...!
Stoke Mandeville, Esq & The Victorian Ballsmiths
"Nobody Want Verdigris-Covered Balls!"


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Mephronmoderator
Charter Member
1895 posts
Jul-30-17, 11:28 AM (EDT)
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4. "RE: ...Anniversaries"
In response to message #3
 
   >...that's the problem I have. I don't want another 40+ years of this.

I am not my wife's first husband.

He died, taking out the trash, his heart stopped as a blood clot from his legs hit it at the speed a very obese man exerting himself heavily would have his blood moving. She looked out the window of their condo, and he was lying on the sidewalk. The paramedics arrived quickly, but he was already gone.

There is a strength in humanity, in humans. That is the strength to find a way through the darkest moments and find the place where they live again.

My wife and I had been friends before a stupid disagreement broke up our friendship. In fact, her first husband and I met her at the same time, and he asked her on a date before me, which is why it took fifteen years between first date and I do.

Then when her first husband died and I found out about it, I sent a condolence card. Six months later, she was insomniac and reached out to me, and we started talking.

Now we're married.

She still loves him. She still misses him. She doesn't love me less and she doesn't love him less, and I don't feel slighted by the fact she does miss him. The man i was when we met would have been a terrible husband and partner for her. I've learned patience and calmness.

Love may come to you again. Don't let it pass you by. It won't be the same. That doesn't mean it can't be wonderful in itself.

--
Geoff Depew - Darth Mephron
Haberdasher to Androids, Dark Lord of Sith Tech Support.
"And Remember! Google is your Friend!!"


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Star Ranger4
Charter Member
2483 posts
Jul-31-17, 12:21 PM (EDT)
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5. "RE: ...Anniversaries"
In response to message #4
 
   Nor is it always death that separates you.

In my case it was a flareup of her mental illness when her medications stopped being effective.

Either way, the hole it leaves in your life will always be there; but I have to agree that over time the edges of it will be less raw and painful.

Dont be afraid to reach out... As you can see there are those, who while we cant have been through what you have, might have been through something close enough that we can emote and relate and help you share your pain.

For, As Spider Robinson has said:
Pain shared is Pain divided, Laughter shared is laughter Multiplied.

Of COURSE you wernt
expecting it!
No One expects the
FANNISH INQUISITION!

RCW# 86


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Proginoskes
Member since Dec-3-09
210 posts
Aug-01-17, 03:06 AM (EDT)
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6. "RE: ...Anniversaries"
In response to message #5
 
   >For, As Spider Robinson has said:
>Pain shared is Pain divided, Laughter shared is laughter Multiplied.

Thus do we refute entropy.


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dstar
Member since Oct-19-02
153 posts
Aug-12-17, 08:57 PM (EDT)
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7. "RE: ...Anniversaries"
In response to message #4
 
   >Love may come to you again. Don't let it pass you by. It won't be the
>same. That doesn't mean it can't be wonderful in itself.

The problem there is this.

We were married when we were 24, after being together for around four months.

When we met, I was... -mostly- a good Preacher's Kid.

Today, well, uhm... notsomuch.

Both of us changed, significantly, over that quarter century.

But we changed in _complimentary ways_.

I discovered I had a major kink for BDSM... and she discovered the same, and, better yet, from the opposite direction, so that we could both have the role we desired.

I'm a rational person, Macarthur, so I know this isn't snow-- I mean, so I know the odds. I'll accept that there might have been _two_ people in the world who fit me as well as she did.

One of those is now gone.

That means my odds of finding someone who fits me as well as Vel did are one in 3.5 billion.

I'm not foolish enough to bet on those odds.

And, unfortunately, I'm not willing to settle for less than what we had. Hell, I wouldn't know _how_ to.

Which really, really sucks, you know?


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