http://www.st-minutiae.com/humor/wherenobeagle.htm

Offsides

I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked also back into me.
Neither of us liked what we saw.
EPU RCW #π
#include <stdsig.h>

Full name: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, 1756-1791
Also known as: Ireland's Regal of Prisoner's Base, the Beagle of the Lens
Species: Domestic dog (Canis familiaris)
Date of birth: September 2, 2402
Place of birth: Prisoner's Base, Avalon County, Zeta Cygni
Height (at shoulder): 12"
Weight: 35 lbs.
Eyes: Brown
Coat: Tan/white
Adjusted Wolfe-DeKok Intelligence Index: 27

Date of IPO Induction: November 15, 2402
Division of service: International Police Space Force
Grade: Ordinary Spaceman
Test of Light administered: June 20, 2404
Other special qualifications/certifications:

- Basic and Advanced Obedience Training, Avalon County Kennel Club
- Canine Good Citizen, ACKC
- International Police Organization Tactical Division Canine Security Patrol Certificate
- IPO Tac Div Canine Search and Rescue Certificate
- IPO Criminal Investigation Division Canine Contraband Detection Certificate
- International Police Space Force Lifesaver's Medal, January 17, 2407
- IPSF Good Conduct Medal, January 17, 2407

Description: Wolfgang is an ordinary-looking tan-and-white beagle dog in the prime of life. He has an overbite. Like many beagles, he struggles with his weight, but his active life as an IPSF crewmember keeps him reasonably fit. He wears a black leather collar fitted with his Lens, which is red.

Notes: Wolfgang was purchased from Prisoner's Base Kennels, a galactically known breeder of scent hounds such as beagles, foxhounds and bloodhounds, in 2402 as an early Christmas present for Chief of International Police Operations Benjamin D. "Gryphon" Hutchins by his wife, Kei Morgan. Though his parentage is distinguished, the dog known officially as Ireland's Regal of Prisoner's Base suffers from a significant overbite and an overlong back, traits which made him unsuitable for breeding or showing, but which matter not at all to his doting owner.

Wolfgang, as he was dubbed by Gryphon's eldest daughter Kaitlyn (then age 13), became a well-known fixture around IPO Headquarters in New Avalon. The running joke around Headquarters was that Wolfgang was the Chief's top advisor on policy matters, especially those concerning the selection of field rations or the scheduling of mealtimes or rest periods. In the summer of 2404, IPO special quartermaster's consultant Skuld Ravenhair startled a good many people by awarding the dog a Lens, making him the first and so-far only non-sentient Lensman.

When the IP Space Force was inaugurated in the fall of that year, the Lenshound accompanied his owner into the stars, becoming the ship's mascot of IPS Challenger, the IPSF flagship. He has served in that capacity ever since, acting as an ambassador of goodwill and promoting the sharing of snack foods throughout the galaxy.

Many of the Prisoner's Base hounds find themselves neither shown nor kept as pets, but used as security or search dogs by various law enforcement and military agencies, including the International Police themselves. This part of Wolfgang's breeding has shown true; he may not be a show-quality dog in appearance, but his tracking and working instincts are top-notch and he is a highly intelligent dog - some say too intelligent, for his sharp wits give him a tendency to be wilful and stubborn which some consider excessive even for a hound. His natural hound mulishness is exacerbated by the fact that, when he wants to go in a different direction than his handler, Wolfgang is usually right. This can, when proven, occasionally make him intolerably smug.

His sleepy demeanor and good nature sometimes obscure his practical training, which has come in handy many times in his career. In 2407 he was awarded the IPSF Lifesaver's Medal and Good Conduct Medal for saving the lives of two ambassadors to Babylon Station, G'Kron of Narn and Londo Mollari of the Centauri Republic, who got lost on a camping trip in the highlands of Bajor and would have frozen to death in a freak blizzard had the Beagle of the Lens not sniffed them out.

The jokes about Wolfgang serving as the Chief's advisor may have some basis in fact, come to that. The Lenshound is renowned throughout the IPO as a masterful judge of character. He decides instantly whether to trust a new acquaintance, and his calls on the matter have proven almost invariably correct, sometimes to the chagrin of would-be infiltrators of the IPO or Babylon Foundation. He has, for instance, a great and abiding hostility toward Alfred Bester, a Federation Psi Cop who has visited Babylon 6 several times and caused some manner of difficulty each time, and a marked fondness for Captain Utena Tenjou, commander of the IPO Irregular Projects flagship, IPS Valiant.

Present assignment: Wolfgang serves as the ship's mascot and unofficial command advisor to the International Police Space Force flagship, IPS Challenger.

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