It suits him. It's a shame that Uncle Iroh, somewhere in his unending stream of wisdom, never thought to mention to him that his best course of action going forward would probably be to pause and calculate the geometric opposite of his first impulse, then go with that. Iroh's a great fella and a fountain of useful knowledge, but what Zuko actually needed as a spirit guide was probably something more like Foghorn Leghorn. "Look at me when Ah'm talkin' ta you, boah. You gotta, Ah say, you gotta pay attention to these things. (He's a nice kid, but he's about as sharp as a sack'a wet mice.)"

As for his sister, well... Phil disagrees with me (and insists that we must Wait for the Official Word on such matters anyway), but I think what that girl really needs is a nice tall glass of cold cactus juice and a diligent seeing-to, in that order. Phil disapproves of my cheerful resort to cliché, but I say sometimes you have to go with the classics. :)

(And no, I'm not volunteering. I don't get hazard pay. Azalynn's up for it, though, she loves a project.)

>(Said comics may or may not be worth your time now that you're done
>with the series, by the way.

Eh, my time isn't worth much in the summer. My cash flow, on the other hand... :)

--G.
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On the whole I think Phil is more likely to be right, but there's at least a case to be made that if you got Azula to the point where she would cooperate with this plan, she'd be feeling a lot better already. :)

Oh, I fully expect he is. That's just me. On some level I want to like Azula, but I can't as long as her flavor of the crazy is mainly about murder. I just find hallucinogen-fueled manic hedonism a lot more approachable, I guess. :)

--G.
"As your attorney, I advise you to go faster."
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I think this may have been precisely the effect the ATLA writers were going for.

... now I've got a mental image of UF-Raoul Duke wandering around with the "secret tunnel" nomad guys. (Or did Sokka take a turn for the gonzo later in life, you think?)

Another thought I had the other day was that I'd be completely up for it if, instead of (or, ideally, in addition to!) manic hedonism, Azula also became a Mad Inventor after her spell in the crazy bucket. I picture her installed in a well-equipped but secluded dojo-cum-workshop someplace on the palace grounds, cheerfully inventing (or reinventing - she's probably had some memory problems regarding things that happened before Comet Day, poor girl) hilariously ill-advised firebending Power Stunts (for those of you who remember the %ile-dice Marvel Super Heroes RPG).

"Day 11, test 37, configuration 2.0... for lack of a better option, Dummy is still on fire safety." She turned a warning glance to Sokka. "If you douse me again and I'm not on fire, I'm donating you to the anatomy lab at Fire Nation Med."

"... No, see, this is where I don't want to be... eeeeee, nottheancientscrollsnottheancientscrolls, yyyyyyikes... OK, no, OK, we're fine, could be worse, could be worse... "

--G.
"Nuh - ah-ah-ah-ah! ... Yeah. I can fly."
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"Day 13: Target devoured by a hellfire of which even I am frightened. All combustibles within 10 feet ignited. Little remained when the fire died."

http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20070618
http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20070620
http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20070622
http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20070625

Ty Lee slid the door open and examined the pair of entangled bodies. She raised an eyebrow. Azula, managing to remove her cleavage from Sokka's face, merely glared back.

"Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing."

>"Nuh - ah-ah-ah-ah! ... Yeah. I can fly."

Zuko makes a pretty bad Tony Stark, but... well, here. 1.15 to 1.22 or so.

-Merc
Keep Rat

"Classic... narcissist? Agreed... "

--G.
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"This is probably a stupid question, but . . ."

I'd like to be able to protest that Azula's not evil, she's crazy, but... well... yeah, she's actually both. It's a shame.

On the other hand, was evil ever so adorable?

--G.
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Ah-ha! This has been nagging at the back of my mind since I started watching ATLA, "just who does Azula remind me of?", and your comment finally cemented it for me -- Azula makes me think of Flandre Scarlet, from Touhou Project, if given a chance to grow up and be social.

"This is probably a stupid question, but . . ."

>>"Day 11, test 37, configuration 2.0... for lack of a better
>>option, Dummy is still on fire safety." She turned a warning glance
>>to Sokka. "If you douse me again and I'm not on fire, I'm
>>donating you to the anatomy lab at Fire Nation Med."
>
>Ty Lee slid the door open and examined the pair of entangled
>bodies. She raised an eyebrow. Azula, managing to remove her cleavage
>from Sokka's face, merely glared back.
>
>"Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me
>doing."

"Sooo... still working on that plan for invading the Fire Nation, huh, Sokka?"

"Shut up."

--G.
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This would have strained the mind and tongue of any man were it his
only responsibility in the arena of civilized intercourse between the
nations at the time; however, during the ongoing rehabilitation of
Princess (nee Fire Lord) Azula, Sokka was frequently closeted with the
Princess and consulted relentlessly by her on the subject of occupation
of sovereign Fire Nation territories. No records of the exact content
of their conversations exist (indeed, all of the Princess' devices,
notes, experiments, diaries, and graffiti were eventually destroyed by
her brother as a threat to public order and mental hygiene) but,
according to the bodyguard and Lady Companion of the Princess, Ty Lee,
the discussions were "wide-ranging, inventive, and full of insight
and surprises on both sides. Not to say that blood wasn't sometimes
drawn, of course."

--from "Boomerang Diplomacy: A Water Tribe Swordsman in Lord Zuko's Court", Prof. Hong Fuzoku
Royal Fire Academy; Fire Nation, 250 ASC

-Merc
Keep Rat

-G.
"Records are made to be broken, come on!"
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-Merc
Keep Rat

Yes, there's some quite good phrasing there, isn't there? For instance, one does rather expect one would be consulted fairly relentlessly, under the circumstances.

--G.
XCOM mission name: Operation RELENTLESS CONSULTANT
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-Merc
Keep Rat

It's an encouraging sign vis-à-vis the princess's always fraught relationship with her brother that she would take such an active role in realizing his long-cherished dream of a rapprochement between the Fire Nation and Water Tribes. In fact, it could be argued that she accomplished more in that regard than he did himself, which is a surprising achievement from so perennially undiplomatic a figure as Princess Azula.

--G.
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What, they sent Dr. Vahlen at the aliens and let her nag them to death?

I'm pretty sure that violates one or more sections of the Geneva Conventions.

--------------------------
CdrMike, Columbia pilgrim

---
"She's old and lame and barren too, // "She's not worth feed or hay, // "But I'll give her this," - he blew smoke at me - // "She was something in her day."
-- Garnet Rogers, Small Victory

If anyone gets this, I'll be greatly pleased.

>--from "Boomerang Diplomacy: A Water Tribe Swordsman in Lord Zuko's
>Court", Prof. Hong Fuzoku
>Royal Fire Academy; Fire Nation, 250 ASC

As an aside, this is an excellent work on the subject with much to recommend it in terms of its scholarship and the delicacy of its innuendo, but Sokka's own memoir of his time in the Fire Nation, Crazy from the Heat, is much funnier and has considerably better illustrations. It's tied for the title of "Sokka's second-best book" with his chronicle of his travels with Toph, The Adventures of Snow Savage and Dirt Girl.

First place, of course, goes to his all-time classic memoir of the end of the Hundred Years' War, Love in the Time of Space Sword.

"I don't think we should be focusing on Azula," Aang mused. "That girl's brain is like a bagful of cats, you can smell the crazy on her."

Zuko glared at him. "Mind your tone, Avatar. Azula might be beyond reason, but she's still a princess of the Fire Nation, and she's my sister."

Katara wasn't impressed. "She killed 80 people in two days," she said flatly.

Zuko hesitated, unable to argue that, and then said lamely, "... She's adopted?"

"Zuko, you lying sack," I jeered. "She is not."

--G.
Admittedly, Love in the Time of Space Sword may not be entirely historically accurate, but it's a good read.
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Innuendo? Sir, you slander him.

Professor Fuzoku is getting roundly sick and tired of the constant snickering from the undergrads, and has begun docking anyone who yells "That's what she said!" during any of his lectures an entire letter grade. Yes! That IS what she said! Toph Beifong was renowned for her ability at, and indeed, her enthusiasm for, taking on all comers! Day or night! Sometimes two at the same time! No less than five independent primary sources confirm it.

Hong Fuzoku is a scholar, a man well-endowed with wisdom who has plumbed the very depths of history and emerged spent but triumphant. His expertise and deft touch deserve respect. He will not be mocked for his perceived shortcomings.

Fortunately, he has a new book coming out soon. Building on the work done in Boomerang Diplomacy, Professor Fuzoku plans to explore in intimate, exhaustive detail the oft-abusive and always dysfunctional relationship between Fire Nationals and Water Tribesmen in the postwar era. It will focus mainly on the period from 100-125 ASC, with especial emphasis on Fire Lord Zuko's tumultuous, often passionate diplomatic tete-a-tetes with both of the famous children of Chief Hakoda as they attempted to come to an equitable agreement regarding both nations penetration into each others spheres of interest.

Steam Powered: Fire Lord Zuko's Congress with the Water Tribes will certainly not be mistaken for anything other than the work of serious scholarship it is. He's already begun planning the graduate seminar.

>Sokka's own memoir of his time in the Fire Nation,
>Crazy from the Heat, is much funnier and has considerably
>better illustrations. It's tied for the title of "Sokka's second-best
>book" with his chronicle of his travels with Toph, The Adventures
>of Snow Savage and Dirt Girl.

Some feel that Sokka's later-in-life survey of that great mythological figure and good-luck charm of the Fire Nation army, To Wang Fire, Thanks for Everything, Ty Lee, is also a strong contender for the second-best slot.

Sadly, it was something of a flop on initial publication, with a limited print run. It was only half a century later, when Varrick Global Enterprises used it as the basis for the wildly popular Wang Fire mover serials (the first "talker", in fact, was a Wang Fire serial, Wang Fire and Piandao versus Nuktuk) that a second printing occurred. The people of the United Republic, somewhat to the consternation of actual Fire Nationals, took instantly to the bombastic-but-hilarious Fire Nation hero, and today the book can be found in any reputable bookstore, along with Wang Fire comics and paperback novels.

-Merc
Keep Rat

>It suits him. It's a shame that Uncle Iroh, somewhere in his unending
>stream of wisdom, never thought to mention to him that his best course
>of action going forward would probably be to pause and calculate the
>geometric opposite of his first impulse, then go with that. Iroh's a
>great fella and a fountain of useful knowledge,

It's worth noting that a close watching of the series suggests a slightly less than flattering interpretation of Iroh; that while he is both wise and good now, less than ten years ago he was still hurling tens of thousands of men at Ba Sing Se in the service of Azulon (who I think we can all agree is pretty... special) and that as of ATLA he is still kind of figuring out how to be a good person without also being a loyal Fire Nation imperialist. A lot of his advice to Zuko was maybe him totally winging it and hoping, desperately, that maybe his nephew would turn out better than he and Ozai did.

>but what Zuko actually
>needed as a spirit guide was probably something more like Foghorn
>Leghorn. "Look at me when Ah'm talkin' ta you, boah. You gotta, Ah
>say, you gotta pay attention to these things. (He's a
>nice kid, but he's about as sharp as a sack'a wet mice.)"

Pretty sure Toph spent a lot of time treating him like that, albeit off-screen. :)

>As for his sister, well... Phil disagrees with me (and insists that we
>must Wait for the Official Word on such matters anyway),

Phil and I have gone round-and-round on Azula more than once. She is far and away my favorite character in ATLA and in my top five best villains ever; I love her to death. (This is different from her being a person I find likable, which... no. Just no. Sociopathy isn't chic even on a Princess, dear.) But it can be hard to justify that love in the face of, you know, the war crimes.

>but I think
>what that girl really needs is a nice tall glass of cold cactus juice
>and a diligent seeing-to, in that order.

Uh. Wow. You, uh, may want to flip the order on that. I'm pretty sure after a tall glass of cactus juice you'd be incapable of giving meaningful consent to choice of pizza toppings, to say nothing of a, er, seeing-to.

Also, if it were that easy you'd think all that goth sex Zuko was having would have unwound him a little bit.

(Seriously, we all know what he and Mai were getting up to. "I want a big fancy fruit tart. With rose petals on top!" I don't know what kind of filthy Fire Nation sex act that's a euphemism for, but it sounds pretty kinky.)

>(And no, I'm not volunteering. I don't get hazard pay. Azalynn's up
>for it, though, she loves a project.)

Given that Azula is fourteen, Azalynn may want to farm that one out to someone less... statutory.

Ty Lee is probably up for the challenge, tho, and could definitely benefit from Azalynn's advice. Among other things, she needs to be informed that the direct approach ("But you're the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world!") sometimes needs to be slightly LESS direct. You don't wanna overshoot.

-Merc
Keep Rat

No, no, no. What do you take me for? The paperwork gets done ahead of time.

--G.
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>>(And no, I'm not volunteering. I don't get hazard pay. Azalynn's up
>>for it, though, she loves a project.)
>
>Given that Azula is fourteen, Azalynn may want to farm that one out to
>someone less... statutory.

Oh, don't be such a slave to time. Time is not the boss of you! Rosalind Franklin's been dead since 1958 and she's still on the list.

>Ty Lee is probably up for the challenge, tho,

Hmm... maybe. When I think of those two, in particular, I find the chorus from Fall Out Boy's "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More 'Touch Me'" coming to mind: I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it...

>and could definitely benefit from Azalynn's advice.

Hmm. Well, Az does love a project. In this case, quite an involved one, since step 1 of preparing Ty Lee to undertake any such mission would be leveling her up about 20 times. On the other hand, the Motor Club would get its cars waxed very thoroughly.

Ye gods, now you've given me the mental image of Azalynn as a sort of erotic Mr. Miyagi - I bet that's a phrase no one's ever constructed before! - to Ty Lee's Daniel-san. "Learn how kiss... when learn how keep dry!" (SPLASH) "Hahahahaha!"

--G.
she's usually more of a sexual Toshirō Mifune
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Time might not be my boss, but she IS entropy's administrative assistant, and entropy has made it pretty clear that he can and will fire me one day.

>>and could definitely benefit from Azalynn's advice.
>
>Hmm. Well, Az does love a project. In this case, quite an involved
>one, since step 1 of preparing Ty Lee to undertake any such mission
>would be leveling her up about 20 times.

Maybe, maybe not. Ty Lee clearly knows how to do her some social engineering. She just isn't quite clear on how to apply those skills outside of "teenage boys who I want to buy me things." But that's already, like, three-quarters of the battle. And Ty Lee is already pretty spiritual, and in kind of a floofy way you'd think Azalynn would appreciate.

(Sidebar: one of the more common fan theories is that Ty Lee is descended of Airbenders in some form; it's a combination of her fighting style, general personality, weird off-the-wall spiritualism, and the fact that there is exactly one other person in the series with the same eye color she has, and that person is Aang.)

>she's usually more of a sexual Toshirō Mifune

The guy who worked himself to death, had no idea how to manage his money, and spent nearly half his life estranged from his greatest creative partner for ill-defined reasons?

Gosh. Azalynn has some DARK stuff going on under the surface. :)

-Merc
Keep Rat

I don't wish to seem like a tour guide, but that might be because the next several lines in the logfile were This Is Spinal Tap references. :)

--G.
"... but these go to eleven."
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Oddly enough, I didn't make that connection until afterwards. It was immediately triggered by the concept of "Rock band + pyrokinetic".

And it's somehow fitting that this is the post that let the thread go to 11. :)

Michael C. Fortner
"Maxim 37: There is no such thing as "overkill".
There is only "open fire" and "I need to reload".

TiVos have this thing they do where they look at the category tags on stuff you've asked them to record, then go and record other things with similar tags whether you asked for them or not. Mine occasionally misreads my preferences based on the fact that a) I like very specific things and not entire genres and b) their tags are too broad anyway. So, for example, I'll ask it to get an episode of an animated show (e.g. Adventure Time), and it'll go, "Oh! You have children! I can help with that!" and start going on these massive broad-spectrum cartoon benders.

(This is not the worst example of this particular TiVo habit. A few years ago I had a Season Pass for Good Eats and got a couple episodes of a home improvement show, and, since it thinks all cooking shows are the same and doesn't know the difference between home improvement and decorating, it responded by saying, "Dude, why didn't you tell me you were gay?" and, well.)

Usually I just shovel out the suggestions box without watching any of this stuff, but in this case I actually watched a couple of things, one of which was interesting but deeply, reverberatingly confusing. I said to Phil, "dude, wtf" and the next thing I knew there were DVDs and stuff.

This is a bit of an oversimplification, but you get the general idea. :)

--G.
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I guess this is the point where I chime in that Peggy and I got into ATLA in a totally bass-ackwards way -- because we saw the live-action film first. In a theatre, even. And we came out of it and said to each other, "you know, that wasn't bad, you wanna check out the original cartoon thingy?" And within an hour we were in the local Barnes & Noble, where they had all three seasons' box sets on sale for $"c'mon, we're losing scads of money on this, buy it!" Which we did, and then we had a very intense hobby for the next month to six weeks.

And afterwards we 1) understood why the people who hated the movie when compared to the series felt that way, but still thought they were a little overboard in that hatred, and 2) really regretted knowing that we'd never get to see a live-action Toph.

-- Bob
-------------------
My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We kill only out of personal spite.

Actually, thinking about it, Toph is probably described as That One Little Girl From That Weird Cartoon Who Can And Will Fuck A Bitch Right The Hell Up.

Might be a bit difficult to put on the business cards, though...

---
"Yeah, I'm definitely going to hell/But I'll have all the best stories to tell" -- Frank Turner, The Ballad of Me and My Friends

Her Einherjar visiting-card describes her - possibly with some artistic license - as "Duchess of Gaoling, Surveyor of the Fire Lord's Pictures, and Instructor to Avatar Aang in Earthbending, Metalbending, and the Amorous Arts". It's a measure of her perversity, perhaps, that she included that last bit specifically to make Katara give her the Look - even though she will never see it. :)

--G.
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I cannot wait until she <REDACTED>. Which freaked me right the hell out when I first read it, but on reflection is kind of the coolest thing ever.

--
-Pasha
What was that feeling again?
Oh yes.
-Rage-

...so, which thing was <REDACTED>?

Just curious.

-- Bob
-------------------
My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We kill only out of personal spite.

--
-Pasha
What was that feeling again?
Oh yes.
-Rage-

Ah. I thought you meant something in the Movement. Never mind.

-- Bob
-------------------
My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We kill only out of personal spite.

For the record, the episodes in question were those of The Legend of Korra.

And Now You Know (tm).

--- Philip

	Philip J. Moyer Contributing Writer, Editor and Artist (and Moderator) -- Eyrie Productions, Unlimited CEO of MTS, High Poobah Of Artwork, and High Priest Of the Church Of Aerianne -- Magnetic Terrapin Studios "Insert Pithy Comment Here"

Seriously, my TiVo went on a Korra bender a few weeks ago. I clicked in expecting the Suggestions box to be full of Totally '80s and old episodes of The FBI Files (yeah, I don't know why either) like usual, but lo.

--G.
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As it were.