I woke up this morning
I had a scone and a large house blend
Then a little conversation with my squirrel and chipmunk friends
I said "I'm sick and tired of winter
And I wish that it was spring"
Then a little fella named Robin Red-Breast began to sing

And he sang
"Ooh child, what'd you think the cold winter's gonna last forever?
Ooh child, now's the time for all the people to get together outside
'Cause it's the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fuckin' starts today
So bring your favorite lady or at least your favorite lay
Water's not cold, baby, dip in your big toe
Maybe I'll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called...
Fuckin' outside"

I thanked him for the information
I cried a little when he flew away
I watched an episode of The People's Court and I tried to plan my day
I called up my old lady
She wasn't home so I called my girl
I asked her if she'd like to join me as I entertained the world

And I said
"Ooh child, bring a blanket and I promise I will brush the ants off
Ooh child, you're gonna like it when we're takin' each other's pants off outside
'Cause it's the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fuckin' starts today
So bring your favorite lady or at least your favorite lay
Water's not cold, baby, dip in your big toe
Maybe I'll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called...
Fuckin' outside"

So we went to the park together
We were walkin' in the midday sun
Met all kinds of people and we, we fucked everyone
We fucked the lady who sells ice cream
We fucked a man with a tan shar-pei
Everyone who needed fuckin', well they, they got fucked today

So come on
Ooh child, open your mind and your heart, feel the spirit movin' through you
Ooh child, you'll feel the warmth of the love when I stick it to you outside
'Cause it's the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fuckin' starts today
So bring your favorite lady or at least your favorite lay
Water's not cold, baby, dip in your big toe
Maybe I'll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called...
Fuckin' outside
Fuckin' outside
Fuckin' outside

- Jonathan Coulton
"First of May"
Smoking Monkey (2003)