|
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited
remande
Member since Jul-31-07
78 posts |
Feb-10-13, 10:56 AM (EDT) |
|
"Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
|
(spun off from the General Order 13 thread) Okay, here's eighteen to start with. Please add on. And remember, Mark exists in real life as well. Keep it somewhat clean. 1: "Eat flaming death!" may be an appropriate way to taunt your enemies in a dogfight. It is not an appropriate way to taunt your squadron mates on Chili Night. 2: Stipulated: Unless Zoner made the chili. 3: Not allowed to put the CO on the Officer's Mess duty roster. 4: Caffeine is not a long-term substitute for sleep. 5: If you see the XO walking by in a tutu claiming to be the Tooth Fairy, you haven't had enough sleep. 6: Not allowed to exceed 90 words per minute. 7: Yes, we know you have Omega-2, but even that has limits. If your blood sugar exceeds 350, you're grounded--and forbidden from eating Oreos for a week. 8: No ordering pizza over the general combat freq. 9: No ordering pizza via the air boss. 10: Okay, you know what? Land first, order later. 11: _Tale Spin_ is not a training video. 12: The techniques you learned from "I, Mudd" do not work on any Genom products. Try shooting them. 13: Not allowed to lock self in the bathroom and complain about your impending demise. 14: Not allowed to use cameras in any bathroom. 15: Your ship's missiles are non-sentient explosive devices designed to home in on the targets you assign them to and detonate. They are not sentient robots with a death wish. 16: Not allowed to replace tool bays in astromech droid with Illudium PU-36 and eject it as a mine for trailing enemies. The artoos _hate_ that. 17: Using your valkyrie to fly up to the windows of 10-forward and wave at the ladies there will not make any points with them. 18: Ever. --rR
|
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
remande
Member since Jul-31-07
78 posts |
Feb-10-13, 12:53 PM (EDT) |
|
2. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #1
|
* We don't have a Scott Bernard Valkyrie. Once you've launched all your missiles, you're down to your autocannon. * We do not stock the following items. You are not allowed to send trainees to retrieve them: ** Lens Flares ** Paintball rounds for the GU-XX autocannon ** Gamma Legios ** Liquid Schwartz * If the enemy asks you if you are a god, you are allowed to say 'Yes'. You are not allowed to expound unless prompted by the enemy, and even if so, your sphere of influence is "Mechanized Death", not "Love". And under no circumstances are you to offer to demonstrate. * Not allowed to brief the chaplain corps on how to worship you. * If you use your Valkyrie to Hammer Dance in the hanger bay one more time, you're not flying again until you repair the gouges. * Not allowed to use Justin Bieber as a Goldfish Warning against the Meltlandi. Even if it does work. We signed a treaty. * Antimatter is not a condiment. * Yes, the actual Valkyrie are female. No, you're not applying five kilos of lipstick to your ship for realism. * Id Software does not make anything usable for training purposes. * Not allowed to add atomic or antimatter ordinance to your loadout "just in case"--you need approval just like everybody else. * The crew members wearing red on the hanger deck are ordinance handlers. They do not go on away missions, and they are not there to demonstrate how dangerous the land is. * If, during briefing, you think you have a better way to achieve the mission objectives, the proper interjection is, "May I propose an alternate mission plan, Sir?". It is not, "Well, that's just _dumb_". * The trainees have not been recruited by the Star League to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada. * Full Dress Uniform is emphasis on "Uniform", not "Dress". * The phrase "Dude, not funny" is not a request to come up with something that is. * The Valkyrie is built to be flown in a full environmental flight suit in case you need to eject. A towel isn't going to cut it. Even if you were showering when the scramble order was given.--rR
|
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
Gryphon
Charter Member
22398 posts |
Feb-10-13, 02:28 PM (EDT) |
|
3. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #2
|
>* We do not stock the following items. You are not allowed to send >trainees to retrieve them: >** Paintball rounds for the GU-XX autocannon Oh, come on, Rob, we totally had these. :) >* If, during briefing, you think you have a better way to achieve the >mission objectives, the proper interjection is, "May I propose an >alternate mission plan, Sir?". It is not, "Well, that's just _dumb_". Similarly, in Eight-Ball Squadron briefings the latter was probably much more commonly employed. :) --G. -><- Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/ zgryphon at that email service Google has Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
remande
Member since Jul-31-07
78 posts |
Feb-10-13, 03:59 PM (EDT) |
|
4. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #3
|
>>* We do not stock the following items. You are not allowed to send >>trainees to retrieve them: >>** Paintball rounds for the GU-XX autocannon > >Oh, come on, Rob, we totally had these. :) Only up until 2003, when somebody thought that the Daedalus should be painted red on the top as well. Of course, the problem with making a "Skippy's" list here is that half the stuff done there was par for the course with the WDF, given a tech school heritage rather than a military heritage. --rR
|
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
Peter Eng
Charter Member
2051 posts |
Feb-10-13, 05:00 PM (EDT) |
|
5. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #4
|
>>>* We do not stock the following items. You are not allowed to send >>>trainees to retrieve them: >>>** Paintball rounds for the GU-XX autocannon >> >>Oh, come on, Rob, we totally had these. :) > >Only up until 2003, when somebody thought that the >Daedalus should be painted red on the top as well. > >Of course, the problem with making a "Skippy's" list here is that half >the stuff done there was par for the course with the WDF, given a tech >school heritage rather than a military heritage. > >--rR There's probably a reason the list wasn't updated after a point. (Probably somewhere between 2025 and 2040.) The final entry was probably something like, "If you think it would be hilarious, and it involves any WDF gear, you are required to talk it over with your CO first." Peter Eng -- * Despite their lack of use for anything else, you are not allowed to use crates of Hamdingers for gunnery practice. ** Or missile targets. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gryphon
Charter Member
22398 posts |
Mar-26-13, 03:29 PM (EDT) |
|
37. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #35
|
>>* Not allowed to add atomic or antimatter ordinance to your loadout >>"just in case"--you need approval just like everybody else. > >>--rR > >Is is just me, or is this somewhat rather ironic, considering the >two-ton atomic drum bomb carried by Kilroy the Thunder God? I vaguely recall the drum bomb coming from somewhere - whether it was a standard bit of Beta/TREAD ordnance in Mospeada or pulled in from another source I don't recall - though the original version may not have been a nuclear weapon. It should perhaps be borne in mind that we, as writers, paid that kind of thing a lot less attention when writing the Core than readers are prepared to pay it now. :) (The respondent before me had valid points as well.) --G. -><- Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/ zgryphon at that email service Google has Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
glasswalker
Member since Dec-11-12
50 posts |
Feb-10-13, 10:37 PM (EDT) |
|
8. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #7
|
LAST EDITED ON Feb-11-13 AT 05:49 PM (EST) * As a pilot, you are entitled to have your own personal "battle mix" while flying. You are NOT entitled to wide-band broadcast it across the general battle frequencies. Nor are you entitled to slip q a 50-salcred note and have him do it for you. Finally, you are not repeat NOT entitled to hack the PA system during full-dress reviews with allied services and broadcast said battle mix at full volume while the dignitaries are speaking. (Normally, I would say that this goes without saying, but....)(A WDF-revival era one....) * Neither the SDF-23 nor any other WDFN vessel is "the Love Boat," their patrols are neither "making another run" nor "offer something for everyone," and their destinations are never "a new romance." (No, not even if Gryphon is aboard.) * No more using Jimmy Buffett song lyrics to fill mandatory word-counts in your after-action reports. * When operating as part of a first-contact team, remember: that attractive female alien dignitary has NOT lost "that lovin' feelin', whoa, that lovin' feelin'." It is not "gone, gone, gone, whoa-oh-whoa." You are not repeat NOT to attempt to "bring it on back." (And while we're on the topic, high-speed passes -- be they over an air-control tower or an admiral's daughter -- are expressly forbidden.) * Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On" is a fine song with an admirable message. The middle of a dogfight is not a fine time to sing along with it, especially not with the comm net open. "Everyone gets lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars..." - Rush, "The Pass" |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
Bodhi
Member since Jan-19-09
24 posts |
Feb-12-13, 03:14 AM (EDT) |
|
18. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #8
|
>(A WDF-revival era one....) > * Neither the SDF-23 nor any other WDFN vessel is "the Love Boat," >their patrols are neither "making another run" nor "offer something >for everyone," and their destinations are never "a new romance." (No, >not even if Gryphon is aboard.) That's fair. I do not know Haywire personally, but it does seem to be the low-hanging fruit. His reputation would seem to lean more toward just stenciling it on Gryph's Valk and awaiting the reaction. Okay, stenciling may be a generous term when you use 30 inch letters and opera mauve paint. > * No more using Jimmy Buffett song lyrics to fill mandatory >word-counts in your after-action reports. Now your auto-biography, on the other hand.... Is it really anyone's fault if the mission did, in fact, take place above, on, or near Funkotron? I could see there being a Margaritaville out past the horizon. Maybe southeast of the Mamboes. It's 0200 here, that is my only excuse. -Bodhi To be fair, the lyrics to "This Hotel Room" actually are the report of a very inventive and bored man.
|
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
CGWolfgang
Member since Jun-11-09
135 posts |
Feb-11-13, 00:25 AM (EDT) |
|
9. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #0
|
*When on a mid patrol break on Hoth do not try to convince the new guy/girl that there is a beautiful man/woman/asari behind every tree. There is always one person who will go look. *You are NOT the law. **...Especially on Zardon *When questioned by a Judge the proper response to any allegation is not "Because it looked like fun." *If you happen to find a string bikini in the rag bin do not put them on and prance around the flightdeck singing Barbi Girl. *You can not become sterile from going through fold space and stop trying to convince people you can. * Not allowed to give the Fight Deck Chief a Peanut Butter Grease and Jelly sandwitch. Stuff's poisonous ya know. *Do not secretly exchange the Flight Deck Chief's Heathy Snack! fruit bars with high calorie survival rations. They're like 6000 calories. *No longer allowed to get lower enlisted to comb the desert when visiting Tattooine. ------------ ~If you want my input the red explosions are really pretty and if you did enough you might live for a few more excrutiating seconds My not so humble contribution to cyberspace http://cgwolfgang.deviantart.com/ |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
Meridias
Member since Jun-9-12
96 posts |
Feb-11-13, 00:26 AM (EDT) |
|
10. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #0
|
Under NO circumstances are you allowed to tea-bag disabled enemy ships in your Valkyrie, regardless of how funny it might be in the gun camera footage. "42" is not, in the given context, an acceptable answer to any question asked. Just because you happen to fly your Valkyrie faster does not give you the ability to call your CO "Dippy the Wonder Slug". ********************* Rock Is Dead. Long Live Paper And Scissors. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
BeardedFerret
Member since Apr-21-08
514 posts |
Feb-11-13, 01:37 AM (EDT) |
|
11. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #0
|
The first and second rules of piloting are not "You do not talk about piloting". The upper hull of the Prometheus is not an appropriate place for your Valkyrie to land, run, jump or 'snipe'. Ditto the upper hull of any ship in the WDF or allied fleets. The most appropriate use of a cluster bomb is not to shove it through an enemy's cockpit canopy and yell 'Pop!' Severing your Valkyrie's arm and strapping it to a missile does not count as being armed with a 'rocket punch'. Stop asking the Deck Chief to list this in your loadout. The appropriate response to Gryphon being winged by Cyclonus (NOTE: OR ANY OTHER DECEPTICON) is absolutely not to mail the Decipticon armada half a black Valkyrie silhouette decal. Addendum: If you do feel the need to ship something to the Decepticon armada OR ANY OTHER OPPOSING FORCE, ask an officer prior to marking the return address with your previously-secret base's location. You are not "helping the Normandy stay stealthy" by painting the entire ship black. What you are doing is covering the outlet vents for the ship's IES and forcing the crew to choose between evacuation or roasting the ship. As an addendum to the above, when questioned by your commanding officer about painting things black, you are no longer allowed to get away with it by quoting The Doors. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
ebony14
Member since Jul-11-11
437 posts |
Feb-11-13, 12:25 PM (EDT) |
|
14. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #13
|
>Volunteer. We already know you'll do it if it's dangerous and crazy, >so accept you're already on the board. > >-- >Geoff Depew - Darth Mephron >Haberdasher to Androids, Dark Lord of Sith Tech Support. >"And Remember! Google is your Friend!!" I expect that there was likely a mission deployment/flight plan template for dangerous and/or crazy missions that had Haywire's name already filled in under "Mission Personnel." Ebony the Black Dragon "Life is like an anole. Sometimes it's green. Sometimes it's brown. But it's always a small Caribbean lizard." |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
Mercutio
Member since May-26-13
942 posts |
Jun-15-13, 03:27 PM (EDT) |
|
39. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #14
|
LAST EDITED ON Jun-15-13 AT 06:55 PM (EDT) >I expect that there was likely a mission deployment/flight plan >template for dangerous and/or crazy missions that had Haywire's name >already filled in under "Mission Personnel." The staff officers had their own keyboard shortcut for Haywire that eventually made it's way into the standard nomenclature, actually. Ctrl + F + U -Merc Keep Rat Edit: I did not realize this was a necrotic thread being resurrected, I just saw it on top of the forum and thought 'hey, new funny thing.' Now I feel silly. >.<; |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
The Traitor
Member since Feb-24-09
1197 posts |
Feb-12-13, 10:56 PM (EDT) |
|
20. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #0
|
*If the thing you are about to say in the middle of the mission briefing involves any of the following words and phrases (or variations thereof):- **ferret **baked beans **Mister Fitzwilliam Fontainebleu, Paramour To The Stars **ladders **glockenspiel **"plasma-based multi-focal shaped charge network" **"Pot-pourri is nothing but a bowl of scented pencil shavings!" **"I know this is going to sound crazy..." **"Why are some of you all glowy?" **"Ongle bongle pongle wongle" ((SEE ADDITIONAL FILES 2X4B THROUGH 2X4F FOR FULL LEGISLATION REGARDING THE ONGLE BONGLE PONGLE SONG)) **"God, this is a really warm room, LAYDEEZ." **"I shwear on my mother'sh life I've not been in zhe bar..." **"The thing with the ((INSERT ANY COMBINATION OF FOOD ITEM, DOMESTICATED ANIMAL, AND SUPERIOR OFFICER HERE)) was blown completely out of proportion." **plib. *Then for the love of whatever God it is you believe in that allows you to do all the things that you do, don't. Say. A word. *Especially not the word plib. *You know how it upsets people.--- "Yeah, I'm definitely going to hell/But I'll have all the best stories to tell" -- Frank Turner, The Ballad of Me and My Friends Do not ask about the Ongle Bongle Pongle Song. It will only bring you pain. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
Gryphon
Charter Member
22398 posts |
Feb-13-13, 01:19 PM (EDT) |
|
22. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #21
|
>You left out any version, permutation, or manifestation of "The Song >That Never Ends." 436. You may well be the Laughing Gnome, but history has demonstrated that we can, in fact, catch you. --G. -><- Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/ zgryphon at that email service Google has Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ebony14
Member since Jul-11-11
437 posts |
Feb-15-13, 10:15 AM (EDT) |
|
33. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #28
|
>I bet that sells really well bundled with Derek Bacon's So Your >Life is a Running Gag: How to Find Happiness and Prosperity While >Living a Cautionary Tale. I figured there was a volume entitled So You've Discovered That You're Wingman Is Insane, with a chapter or six on Haywire (because there are other crazy pilots out there; the renowned H. M. Murdoch, Captain, U.S. Army 7th Special Forces, 75th Ranger Regiment is an example) plus an appendix of the Things Haywire Is Not Allowed to Do. Ebony the Black Dragon "Life is like an anole. Sometimes it's green. Sometimes it's brown. But it's always a small Caribbean lizard." |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Prince Charon
Member since Jan-11-09
309 posts |
Feb-18-13, 07:59 PM (EDT) |
|
34. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #32
|
>>I thought it was a list of stuff that he actually DID at one point, >>that's why they get added to the list. Otherwise, just trying to >>anticipate what he's gonna do in any given situation and put it on the >>list as a preventive measure would be, to me, kinda pointless. I mean, >>this IS Haywire we're talking about. Who here has any idea what he's >>going to do? > >Of the original list, my personal favorite is #87 "If the thought of >something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume >that I am not allowed to do it." This leads one to outlawing many, >many things not specifically listed. :) >This is why you train yourself to giggle for no longer than 14.9 seconds, exactly. ... training oneself to limit giggle time is going on the List, isn't it? On another note, if Mark is reading this somewhere, I hope we've amused him... and he doesn't get in trouble for trying any of the things on this list. "They planned their campaigns just as you might make a splendid piece of harness. It looks very well; and answers very well; until it gets broken; and then you are done for. Now I made my campaigns of ropes. If anything went wrong, I tied a knot; and went on." -- Arthur Wellesley, First Duke of Wellington |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
Apostate_Soul
Member since Aug-22-08
155 posts |
Jun-15-13, 01:52 PM (EDT) |
|
38. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #0
|
LAST EDITED ON Jun-15-13 AT 02:02 PM (EDT) by pjmoyer (moderator) *Industrial Music is not to be broadcast over the Comm Net during engagements, no matter how much people like it. While a purely instrumental version of "Pong" DID tie up Kilrathi Intelligence assets for the best part of a year, believing it to be some kind of encrypted broadcast, at least one of [zerosumgame]'s tracks has been found to contain sequences that function as shutdown codes for six models of android, Eighteen different classes of battlemech across the entire destroid-using races, anything running Ubuntu 756.3, and, rather more importantly, Class-6 Expert System Cores (which we all know are installed in most starships these days. Including ours.) making this not just OUR ruling but an agreement by interplanetary law..."It's difficult keeping up with the cross-continuity, but I think Cosmouse just gave The Saturnian Scraphunter his Ultimate Pacifier to use against Galactapuss..." |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Peter Eng
Charter Member
2051 posts |
Jun-25-13, 00:08 AM (EDT) |
|
42. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #41
|
LAST EDITED ON Jun-25-13 AT 00:26 AM (EDT) >I was just thinking about the most bizarre possible goldfish warnings >on my commute this morning. Weird Al's "Hardware Store" was on my CD; >I began wondering how tactically useful it would be for disrupting >communications. > >I have a very long and boring commute. Hey, don't forget They Might Be Giants. Peter Eng -- "We used Birdhouse In Your Soul as a Goldfish Warning, they spent two million credits trying to decrypt it." "Let's see what happens if we use something from Apollo 18." |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
Zemyla
Member since Mar-26-08
430 posts |
Dec-01-20, 02:25 PM (EDT) |
|
45. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #0
|
LAST EDITED ON Dec-01-20 AT 02:49 PM (EST) Meanwhile, in GCC #332/S:"Lucchini, I don't know how you got a copy of that book from whatever dimension Gryphon is from, but you have to give it back." EDIT: * Yes, I know that you just found out about Strikers and really like them. No, that does not mean you can cut the legs off your Valkyrie and wear them into battle. * Even if you manage to get your hands on an actual Valkyrie Striker and get it to work, you're still forbidden from going into combat without pants. ** It happened in 2003. I still vividly remember it. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
The Traitor
Member since Feb-24-09
1197 posts |
Dec-01-20, 05:12 PM (EDT) |
|
47. "RE: Things Haywire is Not Allowed to Do"
In response to message #45
|
"Well. That sure was a thing we all just witnessed. Who else is looking forward to bringing this memory up whilst curled up in a ball in their therapist's office?" "DON'T MENTION THE WORD BALL GAVIN-" --- "She's old, she's lame, she's barren too, // "She's not worth feed or hay, // "But I'll give her this," - he blew smoke at me - // "She was something in her day." -- Garnet Rogers, Small Victory FiMFiction.net: we might accept blatant porn involving the cast of My Little Pony but as God is my witness we have standards. |
|
Alert | IP |
Printer-friendly page | Edit |
Reply |
Reply With Quote | Top |
|
|
|
version 3.3 © 2001
Eyrie Productions,
Unlimited
Benjamin
D. Hutchins
E P U (Colour)
|