I don't have the chops (chemically, historically, or grammatically) to criticize this piece, but I can offer my opinion:This was a helluva lot of fun to read!
I'm not sure why, exactly, but it reminds me of this piece by Max Gergel. Less exhaustive (and to me, bordering on incomprehensible) detail, more simplified -- but similar in feel, somehow.
It's funny, given what forum we're on and all, but I think I enjoy your non-fanfiction-related writing as much, if not more. Which is not to say I dislike the fanfic, but I'm having a hard time expressing myself here.
The best shorthand I can think of is, I like Gryph's Story Time a helluva lot, and would like to see more. (I think I even said something similar back in the days when Off The Top Of My Head was just out.)
--sofaspud
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