EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED proudly presents: NEON EXODUS EVANGELION BONUS THEATER!! [COMMERCIAL] [INTERIOR DAY. JON ELLISON sits in a makeup chair, getting ready for a shoot. As he talks, makeup people brush back his hair and apply foundation to his face.] JE: Well, yes, we're one of the more popular fan fiction series currently out, but I'd say we're handling fame well. It certainly hasn't gone to our heads, or anything. [EXTERIOR DAY. Outside the Eyrie studios. A long line of beautiful young females is standing, autograph books in hand, waiting eagerly for something. The camera pans slowly up the line, showing girls of every body size and shape (but all attractive), finally panning up to the head of the line, where a flipper guides a pen across a glossy photograph of Pen-Pen looking particularly non sequiturish.] WOMAN: Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!! I'll treasure this for as long as I live! Oh, you are so marvelous!! PEN-PEN: Waugh. Waugh? [CAPTION: This is Evangelion. (E P U)] [END COMMERCIAL] NEON EXODUS EVANGELION THE OUTTAKE REEL - -- ---- -------- ---- -- - A moment later, there came the chime of another intercom channel opening, and Ikari announced without preamble, "The replacement is useless. You will do it instead." DJ began to feel as if he had accidentally dropped through a wormhole in time and space and into an Ingmar Bergman movie. A few moments later, the feeling was intensified as a door at the far end of the catwalk opened and three men in medical greens wheeled in a gurney. On the gurney was a penguin, DJ guessed more or less his own age, and looking rather the worse for wear. Its legs were swathed in bandages, one wing wore a cast, and there was a loop of gauze around its head securing a pad over its right eye. An IV in its unencasted left wing dripped a clear solution from a bag held above it by a bracket on the side of the gurney. It had disheveled black wings which glinted midnight blue under the harsh lights of the bay, and the feathers surrounding its eyes were ash-white, the palest DJ had ever seen. As it passed, it looked up at DJ with its good eye, and for just an instant, their gazes - DJ's blue, wavering between residual anger and mounting bemusement, the penguin's a deep green and unreadable - met. As that instant stretched glassy thin, DJ felt curiously calm and focused, as if the preternatural calm with which it was taking these events had seeped into him through the momentary eye contact. He felt an unspeakable kinship with the flightless waterfowl, an undefinable longing for more and deeper contact... as if here was someone he could happily tell all his secrets to, here was someone who could confide implicitly in him. Then the moment shattered, time resumed its normal pace, the gurney was past and the feeling was swept away, and for a moment, DJ felt quite cheated. He turned, all blank of mind, and watched as the medtechs removed the IV and the brave bird struggled to a sitting position, beads of sweat breaking on its forehead from the exertion or the pain. It breathed sharply through its clenched beak, wings folded over as if to form fists, one visible eye narrowed in obvious anguish. DJ looked up to the booth, and the message in Ikari's expressionless eyes was clear: do what I want, or I'll send this penguin to die in your place. For there was no doubt in DJ's mind that if it went out there in its current condition, it would not survive. Shaking his head in disbelief, DJ wheeled around to glare at Gendou. "You people are all completely mad!" he shouted. "Send the penguin, see if I care." "Waugh!" concurred the bedridden bird. Anyone who had kept a straight face up to that point lost it completely. After five minutes, someone on the set finally regained the composure to speak. "My compliments to the costume department on the plug suit." - -- ---- -------- ---- -- - DJ flushed. "Right, that's enough, by God," he growled. "Get out. Get out -right now-." "You're gonna make me?" Kaji asked, taking his hand out of Misato's partially unbuttoned blouse and standing. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a lot bigger than you are." "Fine by me," DJ replied without hesitation. "I'm a lot angrier than you are." "All right, then," said Kaji, scowling as he pushed up his sleeves. "Let's dance, you little snot." "Fine," DJ said. He made as if to remove his jacket, and suddenly his left hand was full of metal. The muzzle of his automatic gazed unwinkingly at Kaji, as if daring him to act. "I'll lead," said DJ humorlessly from behind his .45. "Get out." There was a long moment of silence as the pair stared menacingly at each other. Then, Kaji's eyes began to flit back and forth, focusing first on the barrel of DJ's weapon, then over to Misato's bed, and finally on a spot on in space above and behind DJ's head. His lower lip twisted into a frown of concentration. "And you've forgotten your next line, haven't you?" DJ inquired with his trademark rakish grin. "Yep," replied Kaji, chuckling and planting is face in his left hand, as the tension of the moment faded into bursts of laughter. A moment later, a pillow flew from an unseen portion of Misato's bedroom and smacked Kaji square on the head. - -- ---- -------- ---- -- - "Evangelion Unit 02 - launch!" Asuka ordered, and the red machine heaved itself to its feet, head and shoulders tearing through the tarpaulin as it raised itself out of the open hatchway. To one side, the familiar clock display of battery power appeared, but to DJ's consternation, it started counting at 1:00.00. "Only one minute of battery power?" he inquired. "The test type's five-minute batteries were deemed a superfluous waste of tonnage," Asuka replied. "They slow the unit down." "Not half as much as running out of bloody power," DJ said. "Here comes the Angel," said Asuka. "Hang on!" With a mighty leap, EVA-02 hurled itself from the hold of the Freitag moments before the speeding Angel knifed through her and sent her to the bottom. "Uh, Major Katsuragi," said Commander Mueller. "Were you aware that EVA-02 was shipped with Type B equipment fitted?" "Type B?!" Misato replied, aghast. Aboard EVA-02, overhearing, DJ cast a dubious eye toward the water speeding up below and said, "Great, so if we fall in the sea, we've had it." "And if we don't, we'll be fine, right?" Asuka replied, a split second before the EVA crashed down a full five hundred feet short of the destroyer, disappearing beneath the blue-green waves and producing a towering backlash of water and surf which threatened to capsize the mighty Deutschland. "Not a -word-," growled Asuka's voice over the radio. "'She's going for no splash,'" quoted DJ. "'In her dreams, Bob!'" replied Misato, before breaking down into laughter. "Damn you! I -said-, not a word..." - -- ---- -------- ---- -- - [TAKE ONE] DJ looked skeptically across at her. "You went to college?" "Yeah, I graduated last year. That's the main reason I think it's stupid to send us to a local high school - or at least to send me. I already know anything they might care to teach me. Like this, for example," she said, picking up the book and indicating the problem Jon had been pondering a few minutes before. "Thermal expansion and contraction. Easy stuff. Materials expand as they're heated and contract when cooled because their temperature changes the size of their electrons' orbits. I didn't even learn that in school." "Very impressive," said Jon dryly. "There are some things I do wonder about, though." She looked curiously down at her own chest, placing her hands on either side of her swimsuit top, and suddenly dissolved into a fit of giggles. "I'm sorry," she finally managed to utter between gasps, "can we do this again?" [TAKE TWO] "Very impressive," said Jon dryly. "There are some things I do wonder about, though." She looked curiously down at her own chest, placing her hands on either side of her swimsuit top. "I wonder if that means my breasts will expand..." That was all she managed to say before her composure crumbled again. "Don't we all?" interjected DJ, causing Asuka to fall to the ground. [TAKE THREE] "Very impressive," said Jon dryly. This time, Asuka was unable to manage a single word. After finally catching her breath, her face still beet red, she exclaimed, "this line is just so -ludicrous-!" [TAKE TEN] "Very impressive," said Jon dryly. "There are some things I do wonder about, though." She looked curiously down at her own chest, placing her hands on either side of her swimsuit top, and mused, "I wonder if that means my breasts will expand if I heat them." Without hesitation, Jon deadpanned, "That's the dumbest question I've ever heard." Asuka's look of triumph warped into one of utter shock. Now it was Jon's turn to give in to laughter, rendering him completely unable to defend himself as Asuka shoved him off balance and into the pool, her cry of "You -bastard-!" echoing across the natatorium. - -- ---- -------- ---- -- - The beam lanced out, streaked over EVA-00, and plunged straight through the heart of the floating Angel, blowing a great chunk out of the diamond's back side and bringing the whole thing crashing unceremoniously down into Institute Park. As the brightness of the Angel's beam snapped off like a blown light bulb, EVA-00, its orange armor sagging and smoking, stumbled, then crashed face-first to the ground. DJ dropped the particle beam rifle and skidded EVA-01 down the side of the mountain on the soles of its feet, knelt it at the fallen prototype's side, latched onto the armor plate over the entry plug, tore it off, and extracted the plug manually. Then he shut his EVA down, ejected his own entry plug, and climbed forth, hacking and heaving the LCL out of his lungs into the night air as he stumbled toward the smoking Unit 00 plug, which lay across the palm of EVA-01's outstretched right hand on the ground before him. "Rei!" he called, though she couldn't possibly hear him with the power off and the hatch closed. He cursed copiously as he wrenched at the heat-expanded dogging handles on the prototype entry plug's hatch, not noticing as the palms of his plug suit gloves burned away and his flesh sizzled against the hot metal; then, with a squealing, tearing cry, the hatch gave way entirely. Propelled by a forceful outpouring of LCL, the door flew back abruptly. DJ, still holding the latch, was simply along for the ride. He managed to hit the ground feet first, but the uneven footing of Mount Wachusett's rocky slopes and the inertia of the hatch conspired to keep DJ from remaining upright. Realizing that he was about to be crushed by the falling slab of metal, he shoved off with all his might. With a heavy THUD, the plug's hatch finally came to rest six inches from DJ... who had landed painfully on a dried-up bush. Twelve feet away, Rei got up from her seat, splashed through the remaining LCL, poked her head out of the now-open doorway, and surveyed the scene. Without changing her expression, she brought her hands together under her chin, cocked her head slightly to one side, and said softly, "My hero." "mEDiC..." groaned DJ in reply. - -- ---- -------- ---- -- - "If this is a bad time - " DJ began; then she reached him, snatching away the glasses. He tried to take a step back from the sudden, unexpected fierceness in her eyes, but before he made it a half-step he ran into the dresser; thus unbalanced, he had to do a quickstep to try to keep from crashing backward with the item of furniture, in the process making quite a mess. This was brought up short by Rei's proximity - he couldn't complete the step without treading on her bare feet with his boots - and, completely overbalanced now, he toppled forward, letting out in vain an inarticulate and too-late warning cry. With a crash, they both fell to the floor, Rei on her back and DJ atop her; he managed to come down on his knees, one knee between hers, and with those and his outstretched right hand, which brushed her left side and solidly struck the floor, kept most of his weight off her. For a very long moment, they remained frozen there, DJ wide-eyed and terrified that he'd hurt her, Rei gazing expressionlessly up at him - apparently unconcerned. His horror at the accident faded as he looked down at her, replaced by that strange feeling of mixed perception and longing he'd felt at their first meeting, and as it had then, the moment stretched. And broke as Rei smiled and sang: "Some enchanted evening / You will meet a stranger / You will see a stranger / Across a crowded room... " DJ fell sideways, rolled on his back, and lay helplessly wracked with laughter as Rei continued to sing. - -- ---- -------- ---- -- - Ikari flipped a page in his questionnaire. When he spoke again, his voice carried a new tone of urgency: "Is your partner a co-worker?" DJ nodded. "In one! Shall we play Twenty Questions?" "Yes," replied Ikari, his voice stony. "Is she bigger than a breadbox?" "Ahem... Is -what- bigger than a breadbox?" DJ replied, slightly taken aback. "You will answer the question." "That's rather personal. I don't think I'm at liberty to say," DJ replied mildly. "It was not a request!" Ikari barked, and DJ raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised at this outburst from the Icy Commander. "This is a military organization, and I am your superior. You will -stop- stealing all the best lines, you will -not- force me to perform as your straight man in every scene." He pushed his glasses up his nose before continuing, "Now, give me an answer." With a casual shrug, DJ answered "Well, if you put it that way... just a moment." He leaned back in his chair, held up his hands in various orientations as if to gauge the size of some invisible object, then rubbed his chin in thought. "I'd have to say 'yes.'" Ikari's eyes widened. "Fascinating," he remarked as he scribbled furious notes on his clipboard. "Next question?" DJ impatiently inquired. Ikari paused, then leaned forward. A mischevious grin on his face, he asked, "Is it in this room?" DJ snorted. "Oh, don't you -wish-." Ikari slammed a fist down on the conference table. "I won't tolerate your attempts at comedy any longer!" he declared, standing and leaning over the table toward the boy. "You will cease your endless one-upsmanship and follow orders, or you will be removed from the program!" DJ got to his own feet and replied, "The program you all but shanghai'd me into in the first place? How generous of you! The great Gendou Ikari, whose is the power to bind and to loose. Go ahead and throw me out - I've half a mind to take the others with me when I go!" He turned, and headed for the door. "It's also the organization that clears you to drive a motorcycle." DJ froze mid-stride, turned around, gave Gendou the iciest of glares, and walked back to his chair. "All right, damn you, carry on," he muttered, leaning on the backrest as he stood. His calm demeanor restored, Ikari continued, "Is it alive?" "-That's- it!" shouted DJ, throwing the chair on its side. "You can finish this without me." Ikari followed, his cry of "I'm appalled at your conduct, Croft!" resounding in the room before the door closed behind them and left those working the set in a stunned silence. "Can we use that?" asked one offstage voice. "Absolutely -not-," was the firm reply. "Well, if you lose that film, I'm going to hurt you." /* J.P. Sousa "The Liberty Bell" */ NEON EXODUS EVANGELION BONUS THEATER!! was conceived, written and performed by Ben Hutchins John Trussell Rei Ayanami Asuka Soryu-Langley DJ Croft Jon Ellison Gendou Ikari Ritsuko Akagi Maya Ibuki Misato Katsuragi and featured Pen-Pen as himself "This is Evangelion" ad spot #3 written by Kris Overstreet (c) 1998 E P U (Colour)