EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED proudly presents: NEON EXODUS EVANGELION BONUS THEATER!! [TRAILER] [GRAPHIC: The following PREVIEW has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES. The fanfic advertised has been rated IS-13 (INDESCRIBABLY SILLY - MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR VIEWERS OVER 13).] [MUSIC CUE: Something relentlessly cheerful and full of fakey synth horns. The opening theme to "Shogo: Mobile Armor Division" comes to mind.] EYRIE PRODUCTIONS UNLIMITED is SO HAPPY to present: [GRAPHIC: Logo bearing text below, brighty colored and splashed gaudily across a black background featuring the NERV logo in blue.] (neon genesis) Evangelion starring REI AYANAMI [The logo fades out, leaving only the black background. REI AYANAMI, her model slightly simplified and exaggerated but definitely recognizable, trots cheerfully into the frame, if it is possible to trot cheerfully when one has one leg in a cast from the knee down. She is dressed like a Man in Black, carries an aluminum crutch, and is festooned with various bandages. Her hair is rather more unkempt than the original's, and is now SHOCKING BLUE. She is unbearably cute. She hobbles to center frame, then suddenly kicks off the cast (somehow shedding all the bandages in the same motion), spins halfway around, and wields what was once her crutch like the high-tech naginata it has just transformed into, whipping it through a short series of blocks, strikes, and accompanying kicks before finishing up with the V-for-victory sign extended toward the audience, a saucy wink on her face.] REI: Ta-da! ASUKA SORYU-LANGLEY [Camera pulls back to allow a little more space. ASUKA, drawn in a similar, simplified style, dressed in red-and-green-flecked German Army fatigues, tumbles into the frame from the right in a controlled forward roll, comes up to one knee, whips an automatic pistol from a holster, fires it three times at something off the left side of the screen, stands up, whirls the gun around her finger, and strikes a pose next to Rei, gun in hand pointing at the sky, face in a broad and slightly provocative grin. Her bright red hair is a bit spikier than we remember it from the original, especially in front, where it juts up blondely in a fashion reminiscent of the hairstyle of the 'Dirty Pair Flash' version of Kei.] SHINJI IKARI [SHINJI, wearing his usual pants and short-sleeved Dilbert-style dress shirt, jumps into the frame from the left, in a feet-up, bent-kneed leap, a katana held in his cocked arms so that his right elbow is behind his head and the blade extends past his ear and juts out in front of his face. He too has been slightly remodeled and now sports a serious Hikaru Ichijo hairstyle. He lands smoothly and easily center frame, whips the sword through a brief and speedy kata, and finishes up kneeling between Rei and Asuka, sheathing his blade in the scabbard thrust through his belt. He smooths back his hair, which immediately springs up again, and gives the audience a cocky grin and a thumbs-up.] and ALL THE USUAL SUSPECTS [The shot pulls back still further, and suddenly the space behind the three children is filled with a mob made up of the entire cast of NGE, remodeled along the same lines as the first three. In the back left corner, DJ CROFT and JON ELLISON can just barely be seen giving each other quizzical looks and shrugging to each other. GENDOU IKARI has Fresnel lenses in his glasses, a goofy grin, and an arm around the shoulders of MISATO KATSURAGI on one side of him and RITSUKO AKAGI on the other. MISATO looks younger, and is dressed as she was in the first episode of NGE; RITSUKO also looks younger and is dressed in a very smart, sophisticated gray suit. MAYA IBUKI, next to her, has on a lab coat and is wearing tinted lab-safety goggles; she holds a clipboard and has a pen behind her ear. MAKOTO HYUUGA and SHIGERU AOBA stand next to her, in badly-pressed pants, rumpled shirts and stained lab coats; they have rising-sun samurai headbands and are several days unshaven, but look extremely happy to be there. Next to them is a small group of children in high school uniforms - TOUJI SUZUHARA, KENSUKE AIDA and HIKARI HORAKI, looking embarrassed, avidly taping with a handycam, and looking irritated at TOUJI, respectively. RYOJI KAJI is there, looking shaved, scrubbed and well-pressed in the green uniform of a JSDF officer; a cigarette smolders at the corner of his smug grin. Next to him is KOZO FUYUTSUKI, the only character to look -older- than his NGE version; he wears a lab coat and a petulant scowl. Maybe that's because PEN-PEN is tugging at FUYUTSUKI's pants leg with his beak.] [INTERIOR DAY: The NERV control room. FUYUTSUKI's face is on the main screen; superimposed on it are the flashing red words: LIVE GLOBAL TELEVISION FEED. GENDOU, MISATO, RITSUKO, MAYA and the TECHS are present.] FUYUTSUKI: ... and if ten billion United States dollars, in gold, are not deposited in my numbered Swiss account by the close of business, Zurich time, today, the first of my army of mighty servants will destroy Tokyo! GENDOU (overacting): You fiend, Fuyutsuki! You were a great scientist once! Why waste your brilliance on crime? FUYUTSUKI (smiling thinly): Because, my dear boy, science doesn't pay nearly so well. And besides - chicks dig criminal masterminds! Nyahahahahahahaha! [The screen goes to static, then a SIGNAL LOST test pattern.] GENDOU (banging a fist down on the railing): By God, Fuyutsuki, we'll stop you! [INTERIOR DAY: The Evangelion bay as it appeared in Episode 1 of NGE. SHINJI, MISATO and RITSUKO are on the catwalk in front of EVA-01's head.] SHINJI: Wow! A giant robot! GENDOU (V/O, from PA system): How'd you like to pilot it for me, son? [SHINJI looks avidly up toward the mirrored window of the control booth.] SHINJI: Would I ever! Wow!! [INTERIOR DAY. The control room.] RITSUKO: Neurosystems, switch on! MAYA: Neurosystems, switch on! HYUUGA and AOBA: Neurosystems, switch on! RITSUKO: Contact! MAYA: Contact! HYUUGA and AOBA: Contact! [The status screen floods with green.] MAYA: Success! EVA-01 is ready to launch! HYUUGA and AOBA (overcome with joy, throwing their hands in the air in time with their shouting): BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI! [EXTERIOR DAY: EVA-01, its design streamlined and made to look somewhat less spindly and more classically 'giant-robot', is doing battle with the THIRD ANGEL.] [INTERIOR DAY: The NERV control room. GENDOU is watching the battle on the big screen. He can barely control his excitement; as the fight progresses he makes little noises and shadow-boxes.] GENDOU: Gnn! Uhh! That's the way, Shinji! That's my boy! Hoo-ha! [RITSUKO and MISATO look at each other and sport big sweatdrops.] [INTERIOR DAY: A conference room. SHINJI, GENDOU and MISATO are present, as well as two figures in the shadows.] MISATO: Good work, Shinji. Now it's time for you to meet the rest of the Evangelion Fast Response Squad. Come and meet Shinji, girls! [REI and ASUKA emerge from the shadows. ASUKA gets to SHINJI first; after all, she hasn't got a broken leg to contend with.] ASUKA (shoving herself right in SHINJI's face): Hi! I'm Asuka Soryu-Langley! I'm from Germany. Sprechen Sie Deutsche? [Before SHINJI can answer, REI has rather roughly shoved herself between them.] REI (with a big grin): My name is Rei. I don't care what language you speak to me in. [ASUKA elbows REI aside so that they're uneasily sharing the space. They glare at each other sidelong.] REI (muttering): Bitch. ASUKA (muttering): Slut. SHINJI (nervous grin): Please don't fight. [MISATO and GENDOU look at each other and sport big sweatdrops.] [INTERIOR NIGHT: Control room. FUYUTSUKI is on the screen again.] FUYUTSUKI: ... and if twenty billion United States dollars, in gold, are not deposited in my numbered Swiss account by the close of business, Zurich time, today, the second of my army of mighty servants will destroy Tokyo! GENDOU (overacting): You couldn't defeat us before, Fuyutsuki! What makes you think you'll succeed this time? FUYUTSUKI (smiling thinly): Oh, I admit your little EFRS didn't do too badly last time, Gendou, my boy - but this time I'm ready for your tricks! Your toy soldier will never defeat my Mega-Monster Shamshel Avenger! Nyahahahahahahaha! [The screen goes to static, then a SIGNAL LOST test pattern.] GENDOU (banging a fist down on the railing): By God, Fuyutsuki, you've got another think coming! [INTERIOR NIGHT: The three CHILDREN are sitting in the living room of MISATO's apartment playing a GoldenEye deathmatch on the N64. ASUKA and REI have killed each other a combined total of 45 times; Shinji has not yet been killed. He observes the girls' single-minded determination to destroy each other with bemusement. An alarm sounds.] ASUKA (dropping her controller and jumping up): The alarm! REI (doing likewise): Let's go! SHINJI (ditto): OK! [They press controls on their identical wristwatches while saying in unison:] ALL: Evangelion Fast Response Squad - POWER UP!! [The background goes white and all three undergo nifty bullet-time dissolving-clothes costume changes. More time is spent on the girls than on SHINJI, of course. They finish up standing on what appear to be transporter pads in a metal-paneled room at Central Dogma, wearing ridiculously stylized plug suits, Shinji's green, Rei's white and Asuka's red.] ALL: Let's go! [REI presses a control on her wrist; her transporter disc sinks into the floor, passes through a long tube, and then drops her into a heavily padded seat on what appears to be a small monorail car. The car accelerates down a long, brightly lit tunnel, outside which water can be seen, before slamming to a stop inside an entry plug, which immediately powers up.] REI: Evangelion Unit 00, ready! [SHINJI hits a control on his wrist and is whisked away by his transporter to his entry plug in a similar sequence. Outside his transit tunnel is brown earth.] SHINJI: Evangelion Unit 01, ready! [ASUKA does the same. Whatever is visible through her transit tube is bright orange and glowing.] ASUKA: Evangelion Unit 02, ready! [INTERIOR NIGHT. Control room.] MISATO: Evangelion Fast Response Squad, launch! [EXTERIOR NIGHT: EVA-00 rises up from the waters of the pond out front of NERV Headquarters and charges off through the streets toward the disturbance.] [EXTERIOR NIGHT: EVA-01 pops out of the top of a hill overlooking the downtown area and immediately runs off downhill.] [EXTERIOR NIGHT: EVA-02 bursts up from the bubbling caldera of a conveniently-situated volcano and hightails it for town through what appears to be a park, leaving burning trees in its wake.] [BEGIN MONTAGE] [EXTERIOR DAY: All three EVAs in battle with the two-part Angel from "Both of You, Fight Like You Want to Win!" They are not dancing.] [INTERIOR DAY: Control room.] FUYUTSUKI (on screen, looking a bit disheveled and tired): ... and if seventy billion United States dollars... [EXTERIOR NIGHT: SHINJI, walking with REI in a park, suddenly turns to her and kisses her fiercely. Her eyes open widely in surprise, then close in surrender.] [EXTERIOR DAY: EVA-01 is electrified by an offscreen attack.] [INTERIOR DAY: SHINJI and ASUKA are playing NHL 2000 on the N64 in the living room. SHINJI suddenly drops his controller, takes ASUKA in his arms and kisses her. She doesn't hesitate as long as REI did.] [INTERIOR DAY: MISATO in her office. She's tearing her hair in frustration. On the screen of her computer, REI and ASUKA are arguing fiercely in adjacent videocomm sessions.] [EXTERIOR NIGHT: SHINJI is walking down a sidewalk. Suddenly he is jumped by ninja. Good thing he knows how to use that katana he's carrying!] [INTERIOR DAY: Control room.] FUYUTSUKI (on screen, now quite haggard): ... the tenth of my army of mighty servants... [SUSPEND MONTAGE] [EXTERIOR DAY: A JSDF base outside Tokyo. KAJI, grinning around his cigarette, is standing in the passenger seat of a jeep and looking at something through binoculars.] KAJI: By God, we'll show those punks what the JSDF can do! (He reaches down and raises a CB mike to his mouth.) Jet Alone Battalion, advance! [EXTERIOR DAY: Five of JET ALONE are advancing on the possessed EVA-03. They engage it in a minute or so of inconclusive battle.] [Cut back to KAJI. MISATO can now be seen in the back of the jeep; she has her own binoculars and is not impressed.] MISATO: They're losing. KAJI: Not for long. (Into the radio.) JA Battalion, execute Special Maneuver Number One! [EXTERIOR DAY: The five JAs back off and group together, then start climbing up each other and executing weird contortions.] [Cut to MISATO, who looks first puzzled, then incredulous.] MISATO: You've got to be kidding. [Cut back to the JA Battalion, who have now combined into one giant robot, identical to their smaller selves but for scale. It towers over EVA-03.] KAJI: Special Self-Defense Super-Robot Jet Together - ATTACK! [JET TOGETHER pounds EVA-03 into the ground.] KAJI (gloating to MISATO): Losing, huh? [EVA-03 climbs out of its crater, howls in fury and tears JET TOGETHER to pieces.] KAJI (cigarette drooping): ... damn. [RESUME MONTAGE] [INTERIOR DAY: Control room. HYUUGA and AOBA at their panels; EVA-02 is on the main screen, fitted out with a Type 12 particle-beam weapon.] ASUKA: Target locked! HYUUGA: FIRE! [The weapon fires, blasting a silhouette target of the THIRD ANGEL to slag.] HYUUGA and AOBA (throwing up their arms in time): BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI! [INTERIOR DAY: ASUKA and REI are having a full-fledged catfight in the living room, which SHINJI is unsuccessfully attempting to mediate. They are interrupted by ninja.] [INTERIOR NIGHT: Control room.] FUYUTSUKI (on screen, now looking -very- tired and unkempt): ... one hundred thirty billion United States dollars... [Snippets of numerous EVA combats, kisses, slaps in the face, ninja attacks, science experiments.] [SUSPEND MONTAGE] [EXTERIOR DAY: DJ CROFT and JON ELLISON are standing on a hilltop outside Tokyo, which seems to be largely on fire. All three EVAs are battling it out with an ANGEL which is like the two-part one, except that there appear to be six of it.] DJ: I'm bloody glad we're not in this show. JON: You said it. [JUMP TO BLACK.] [GRAPHIC: Logo as in opening.] (neon genesis) Evangelion Tuesdays on the Eyrie Broadcasting Network - right after LAIN: THE WIRED IDOL Coming in Fall 2000! [END TRAILER] /* J.P. Sousa "The Liberty Bell" */ NEON EXODUS EVANGELION BONUS THEATER!! was conceived, written and performed by Ben Hutchins John Trussell Rei Ayanami Asuka Soryu-Langley DJ Croft Jon Ellison Gendou Ikari Ritsuko Akagi Maya Ibuki Misato Katsuragi and featured Shinji Ikari Kozo Fuyutsuki Makoto Hyuuga Shigeru Aoba Touji Suzuhara Kensuke Aida and Pen-Pen as himself [The editors would like to remind the audience that this is MOST ASSUREDLY a JOKE.] (c) 1999 E P U (Colour)