GRM Reaper Productions, Uninc. in association with British-AnimeTech Limited presents A PsychoMental Production A Virtual Non-Film Benjamin D. Hutchins Brian Bikowicz Rob Mandeville Undocumented Features THE CAST Benjamin D. Hutchins Gryphon Brian Bikowicz MegaZone (!23) Rob Mandeville ReRob Kei Kei Morgan Yuri Yuri Daniels Rob Crocker Crocker/Confused John Todd Macquivr/Q Adam Johnson Pfloyd Rich Parker Rich The Wedge Rats The Wedge Commandos John Coyle Coyle Larry Foard Entropy Andrew Petrarca Android Kevin Tefft Kevin Largo Largo Special Visual Effects by Your Brain On Drugs, Inc. Costumes by Why Me, Lord? Ltd. Vehicles by British-AnimeTech Ltd. Destruction by Joe Martin Destruction Systems International Cool Neo-TechTronic Things by British-AnimeTech Limited Music by Ben & Joe & The Assistance Screenplay by Brian Bikowicz From an Original Story by Benjamin D. Hutchins, Brian Bikowicz, and Rob Mandeville CLULESS Created by John Todd 8thdimension Created by Rob Mandeville The Wave Motion RifleTM Created by Andrew Petrarca The GRF-3N Griffin III Armored Combat Suit Created by Benjamin D. Hutchins Gryphon Created by Ben's Parents MegaZone Created by Brian's Parents ReRob Created by Rob's Parents Kei and Yuri Created by Haruka Takachiho Technical Support by Gadaiyio Takeimienei Publishing by Eyrie Publishing Co., NotEvenCloseToInc. Copyright (c) 1991, by Benjamin D. Hutchins, Brian Bikowicz, and Rob Mandeville This one's for all the people out there who love SF, anime, and the marvelous concept known as "write yer own". But more than that: For Kei and Yuri. Ben: For Mike, the original coauthor--he's the one who got me going on this write yer own stuff... For Joe, the reason I'm here in the first place. For Cory. You started the whole mess anyway, indirectly. For Zoner and ReRob, who got me running with this idea like a giant snowball. For Mom and Dad, who could never understand, but they're behind me anyway... For Randy, who has become comfortably numb. For Seann, who may well find himself caught up in similar insanity next year. For anyone else I can't recall right now...I write for everyone, but not everyone reads for me. Zoner: For the Wedge Rats, who so graciously helped in proofreading and conceptualizing this beast. For Dave, who has been my best friend for, oh about, 7 years now. You were the only one who could put up with me. For Gryphon and ReRob, who sucked me into this mess and got me thoroughly involved to the point that I couldn't get out. For the Internet, especially rec.arts.anime, for all of the good stories and information I have gathered over the years. For Jenna, who saved me from the brink. I owe you more than I can ever say. For Marc, who got me into anime in the first place. For my parents, who have encouraged me to be myself. ReRob: For Crocker, without whom the HDS would be just a dream. As if it isn't right now. For Ben and Zoner, who warped a simple storyline into a convoluted mess only an author could love. For Jolt, for obvious reasons. For Joe "Lampshade" Curtin, the Anti-Gweep, who drove me over the edge and into the Wedge in the first place. For my parents, who love me because they think I'm loony and not in spite of that fact. How It Began----------------------------------------------ONE "On the first day of the first month in some distant year, the whole sky froze golden. Some said it was the aftermath of the radium bomb, while others told of a final retribution, a terrible revenge, of the gods." --Def Leppard WEDNESDAY 2 OCTOBER 1991 It was a slow Wednesday; Ben was down in the subbasement of Fuller Labs, poking around in CSLANtronix. He got up, logged out, and, bored, slouched out of the room. It was nearing lunchtime; today he had actually gotten up rather early. He turned the corner, heading away from the elevator; he was curious as to what was over there. At the end of the hallway was a room whose door said "NO ONE CUMZ IN HEER. SEKRIT". Being the naturally inquisitive sort, Ben tried the handle on the door, just to see if it was locked. It wasn't. The room beyond was dark and silent, save for the thrum of machinery. He looked around; there was no one around, no one in the entire subbasement, probably, except him. He entered the room, closing the door behind him. His hand sought a lightswitch on the wall; he touched something. Immediately, the room blazed into light. All around him was the environment of a DECstation. "Wha--?!" he uttered involuntarily, stumbling backward. He turned; the door was gone. He turned back around, almost in a panic, and suddenly he realized where he was. This was 8thdimension! The HoloDECstation! "But that was only a story," he breathed. "This is nuts." But it wasn't, it couldn't be; there in front of him was an xeyes, an IRC window, and the tattered remains of an xtank game. The station was logged into an account that no longer existed. Ben walked to the session manager's icon and thumped it with a fist; immediately, the window sprang into existence. He pulled the session menu down and quit, then banged the "YES" box with his fist. The station logged out and returned him to the system prompt. With a growing smile, he stepped to the login box and drew his login name, gryphon, and his password, which I'm not going to write here, so neener neener neener. Within moments he was inside MWM on his own account. "Hmm...let's see what this thing can do." He pulled up an xgif -3 of /usr6/pub/anime/dp.portrait.gif, the 2d version of which he always had running on a normal DECstation whenever he used it. Then, with a suitable distraction running, he started fooling around. He soon discovered xtty, which created a keyboard for him to type on; he found writing in air tiresome. As he sat clattering away, he decided to cd to /usr1 and see what was in there, but by a strange typo, he wound up typing What do we do next, Doctor? A:>cd /usr-1 instead. To his surprise, he wound up in a directory. He ls'd it and discovered that it only contained one file: cluless "What the hell is cluless?" he wondered, cding it. That accomplished a bit, and it soon became apparent that it was a software compiler. He more'd the README file. CLULESS CLULESS is a software compiler designed to generate artificial nonintelligence. It is the considered opinion of the author that true artificial intelligence is impossible, since so little natural intelligence exists to use as a model. Therefore, I have developed a software package which will generate, I hope, artificial NONintelligences, with which the casual user will be much better acquainted. Source code may be entered using emacs or another text editor and then compiled using the command clucomp -i . NEVER use clucomp without the -i flag. Ben's brows knitted; no explanation of the syntax of the language, nothing of that sort whatsoever. He wondered briefly what would happen if he were to start programming something and then compile it through clucomp. He thought nothing more of it, having no idea what the programming syntax for CLULESS was; instead he played with the station for a while longer and then decided to clr2gray a Dirty Pair .gif for mailing to a friend of his. However, in his rushed typing and crossed up train of thought (he always typed too fast) he wound up typing What do we do next, Doctor? A:>clucomp~/dp.PS He received the following messages: WARNING! Two separate entities--divided successfully. WARNING! Insufficient data. Auto-crosschecking: please wait: checking: dp.beverly.gif checking: dp.bikini.gif WARNING! Extraneous entity ignored! checking: dp.calender.gif checking: dp.chased.gif checking: dp.cycle.gif checking: dp.dressing.gif WARNING! Significant deviation from previous data! disregarding discrepant data. checking: dp.gunpod.gif WARNING! Significant deviation from previous data! Disregarding discrepant data. checking: dp.keitop.gif WARNING! Source lacking significant chromatic variation! Interpolating proper coloration from other data. checking: dp.portrait.gif checking: dp.rambo.gif checking: dp.topgun.gif checking: dp.water.gif Visual data successfully compiled. Now compiling personality protocols. checking......... Failure in locating data! Checking system for data................... Data located in /usr6/pub/anime/Scripts/ checking: dp.bigbang.Z checking: dp.eden.nr.Z checking: dp.eden.ps.Z WARNING! Duplicate data! Ignoring superfluous data. checking: dp.flight005.syn.Z checking: dp.movie.Z checking: dp.oav005.Z WARNING! Duplicate data! checking: dp.robin.Z Personality protocols successfully compiled. Interpolating... Interpolation complete. Extrapolating... Extrapolation complete. Compilation complete and successful. fbps: Cannot output to PostScript. "What?" He tried it again, oblivious to what he had done, and this time it worked; he outputted to -Plps20 and thought no more about it. Annoyingly, the station seemed to have slowed down. When he emerged from the HoloDECstation four hours later, having totally missed lunch, he found an extremely surprising sight waiting for him. He backed out of the room and closed the door; when he turned around he stopped breathing for a moment and almost dropped dead in his tracks. Two beautiful, and totally naked, women were standing in the hallway. They weren't doing much of anything; just standing. Somewhere in the back of his head he could hear guitars... <> He recognized them, of course he recognized them, but what the hell were they doing there? He turned around-- The door was gone. Momentarily panicked, he grabbed for the doorknob; the wall melted away and he was inside the station again. It had recognized him as its operator. He logged in and did a "what gryphon"--and received the following message: USER PROC# TIME TTY IDLE JOB gryphon 4432 17:38 8E ps gryphon 19553 17:38 8E sh gryphon 3180 17:38 8E grep gryphon 1010 17:38 8E tcsh gryphon 22067 17:58 8D 4:15 fbps gryphon 1009 17:58 8D :05 tcsh Ben called up the uncompiled code and found the line: Clothing=$null /*conflicting data, clothing dropped*/ Which he quickly changed to Clothing=$WWWAuniforms in both kei.cluless and yuri.cluless. What do we do next, Doctor? A:> kill -9 22067 [22067] Killed What do we do next, Doctor? A:> kill -9 1009 [1009] Killed What do we do next, Doctor? A:> Maybe that will do it, he thought as he logged out and left the station. They were still there; now, though, they were moving. And they were clothed in V-cut shorts, high-collared, open- fronted halter tops, and tall boots. The hung fbps job had held them there, unmoving; now they were freed. Without realizing what he was doing, Ben had created the world's first artificial life, CLULESSly compiling a .gif file and generating a life form with the absolute statistics of the .gif's subject. CLULESS's designer didn't realize it could do that, but then, he designed a programming language called CLULESS, so how brilliant could he have been? The red-haired one fixed him with a clear brown-eyed gaze and said forcefully, "Anta wa dareda?!" To which Ben replied articulately, "Huh?" "Kore wa nani o shimasu ka?" the other chimed in. "Uh...look...I don't speak Japanese..." Ben backed through the portal to 8thdimension again and called up the uncompiled source code for them, which was now split into two files and overloading his directory bigtime. He searched the one entitled kei.cluless frantically, searching for something, anything, that--AHA! The string there, LANG=$Japanese. That looked promising. He changed it to $English, then changed his mind and changed it to $AmericanGeneric. He altered yuri.cluless the same way, and then logged out yet again. When he exited, he was met by a long string of questions--but they were all in AmericanGeneric, a language he could understand. He weathered the storm, waited for his "guests" to calm, and then said evenly and diplomatically, "My name is Hutchins. Benjamin D. Hutchins. You can call me Ben. You're Kei," he said, pointing, "and you're Yuri. I don't know how you got here, really." He shrugged and opened his arms wide in a gesture of benediction. "Welcome to WPI!" The Battle of DAKA----------------------------------------TWO "What happened to your last fryboy?" "Fired. Thirty seconds under the broiler and he was done to perfection." --Nutrimancer MegaZone, ReRob, Q (aka Macquivr), Kevin Tefft, and Rob Crocker were sitting around in the Wedge when the glass doors from the Quad opened up and Ben walked in. He had on his face the biggest, smuggest, most shit-eating grin any of them had ever seen--and it was Wednesday, too, which made it awfully hard for them to take. "What're you smiling at?" ReRob asked. "I did something impossible this morning," he replied. <> Just about then, Kei and Yuri walked into the Wedge behind him. There were four seconds of dead silence. Crocker, MegaZone, and Q went deathly pale; Kevin looked up, shrugged, and went back to reading; ReRob tipped his hat full and ornate. Then seven words forced themselves out of MegaZone's nearly terror-paralyzed throat: "My God, we're all going to die." "Baaah?" said Q. "Um," said Crocker. "So?" said ReRob. "Hmmph," said Kevin. "Uh, Ben...we need to talk." MegaZone looked worried about something. "Later, later. Much as I hate to do this--it's DAKA time..." He turned and headed for the cafeteria, giving the assembled Wedge Rats a jaunty wave; then he noticed that Kei and Yuri were following him. "Why are you following me?" "Lack of anything better to do?" Yuri suggested. "Actually, I'm hungry," said Kei. "Oh." Ben shrugged and led the way into DAKA. His ID card was presented, slotted, and pinged; he took it back and stepped aside. "ID, please--gah!" said the young Pascal student as he saw Yuri. "Oh, by the way, you don't mind if these lovely young ladies eat with me tonight, do you? No, I didn't think so," said Ben rapidly. "Come on," he said, indicating for them to follow him into the food line. He noticed immediately that the dining hall had become almost silent. Everyone but the most oblivious had stopped eating and was just staring, including the entrees. The staring continued until the three of them vanished into the kitchen. "Oh, hey, it's just like WWWA Academy food," said Kei. "What're they having tonight?" "Uh...Unidentifiable Red Stuff DuJour," said Ben, peering at the vat. "Great! I really missed this stuff. I'll have some of that." The DAKA attendant, totally unfazed, plopped some of the wriggling mass onto her plate. Ben and Yuri, being of more sensible casts, chose the Amazing DAKABurger (put it on a bun, it's hamburger. With mushroom gravy, it's Salisbury steak. Bleach it and it's chicken--or, with tartar sauce, fish!). (No one is quite sure what it is, exactly; most people refer to it as DAKAbeast. The general consensus is that they would rather not know what it is.) Silence descended like a core dump on DAKA once again as they emerged from the kitchen; they started working their way toward the windows, where there was an empty table, when Guyblood jumped to his feet, doing an "I'm cool, I'm decisive, I'm leaving DAKA," just as Kei was behind him with her tray. With a tremendous CRASH Guyblood's back slammed the tray food-side-up into Kei's chest. Unidentifiable Red Stuff DuJour cascaded down her invisible pyroplastic lamination, and some of it splattered on her face and hair. "Hey!" she shouted, smacking him in the back with the tray. "Watch it, you moron!" The impact knocked the already unbalanced Guyblood face-first into Jeremy's tray, splattering U.R.S.DuJ. all over him as well. Jeremy replied with an ill-aimed glass of orange stuff that struck the Sig Ep at the next table. And so on, and so on, and so on. "I think we'd better get out of here," Ben announced, and started edging toward the back exit, near the cereal. Kei and Yuri, being somewhat sensible, tried their best to follow, but from the direction of the salad bar came a flying, razor-edged DAKA spoon. It slammed into the wall inches from Kei's right ear, snipping off a chunk of fiery red hair, then vibrated softly (wub wub wub). "HEY!" she bellowed, momentarily halting the action in the dining hall. Her eyes narrowed; she went for her laser... <> In the Wedge, MegaZone, et al., heard the escalating chaos, but chose to ignore it. Suddenly, a thought occurred to MegaZone. He looked up from the printout he was perusing and said, "Uh...they didn't have their guns with them, did they?" Crocker thought for a second, then said, "No, I don't think so." ZARK! A charred body, still venting sparkles of energy, was catapulted out of the DAKA exit, slammed into the airlock, and slid down. A man in a chef's hat darted out and dragged it back in. "We're safe out here, though, aren't we?" asked Q. "Yeah," said MegaZone. "'Long as they don't have any mini-grenades." Suddenly he realized what he had said; his eyes widened and the entire Wedge crew, screaming as one, charged in an amorphous mass out of the Wedge and into the Quad. Flashes of laser fire could be seen through the dining hall windows; they were increasing in intensity, and occasionally people, charred or just bruised, would be catapulted out of the window near the salad bar. Amazingly, none of the other windows were broken. "Ok, head count," Crocker announced, his ROTC training coming to the fore. "Zoner, me, Q, Kevin, ReRob...where's ReRob?" "OH NO!" The Wedge Rats turned and started hollering at the Wedge. "REROB! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THERE! REEROOOBB!" ReRob looked up, wondering what all the noise was. There was a blinding flash behind the dining hall windows; then, with an incredibly picturesque KERBLAMMO!, the entire dining hall exploded. The Wedge Rats dropped face-down to the Quad as chunks of brick, tables, and frat brothers flew over them in the lazily tumbling anime style. There were four or five secondary explosions, and then the entire gutted structure collapsed into itself. Along with it went that entire end of Morgan Hall, tumbling down into the wreckage, except for the end of the fourth floor hallway, which, by some incredible piece of luck, remained hanging over the rubble zone. <> (wub wub wub) The Wedge Rats stood up; MegaZone removed his Rho Alpha Tau cap and placed it over his heart. No way had Ben survived that. ReRob maybe, there was still hope, but Ben was undoubtedly flat. Such, he thought, was the price of his folly, bringing the Dirty Pair into the world. A chunk of rubble, not far from one of the small and lazily burning aftermath fires, shifted and crashed aside. The sky rumbled and split and it started raining heavily. Then a silver-gloved fist smashed some of the rubble aside and, coughing and choking, Kei stood up, then hauled Yuri to her feet. Ben scrambled out from under the wreckage as well. "Oh, wonderful shooting," said Ben sarcastically, brushing off his overcoat. (wub wub wub) "It's not my fault," Kei replied defensively. "He threw a spoon at me!" (wub wub wub) "Yeah," Yuri said, "but everything was under control until you put the laser bolt into the Jell-O." "I must agree," said Ben, "putting excited photons into DAKA Jell-O is a big mistake. Experimental evidence would seem to bear that out." (wub wub wub) The door to the Wedge on the Daniels side creaked, clattered, then fell out and shattered on the steps, the metal frame tumbling into the street. ReRob looked down at the mess in a bemused fashion, then shrugged and stepped down, heading across toward the other Wedge Rats. He was unscathed. (wub wub wub) "ReRob! You're ok!" said Crocker. "Spiking the p-field again," MegaZone muttered. Ben, Kei, and Yuri were still arguing about whose fault it was; Kei had brought up Yuri's firing at the salad bar as a possible cause, although Ben claimed the Italian dressing wasn't as volatile as the Jell-O, especially the lime, which had been the Jell-O DuJour. It may have even been the explosive decompression of the ice cream machine. A brick cracked loose from the hanging chunk of Morgan Hall and narrowly missed killing Ben. He glanced up, his train of thought derailed, to see the overhanging piece of building start to break free. (wub wub wub) "SHIT!" he screamed, and started running for the Quad. Kei and Yuri easily outran him, especially since he tripped on an indestructible DAKA tray and fell flat on his face in the rubble, stunned. Kei heard him hit the ground and skidded to a halt, turned, and bodily hauled his entire 100- kilo mass out into the street. (wub wub wub) He regained enough sense to stumble to his feet and get halfway across the Quad before the final CRACK echoed across campus. (wub wub wub) He turned to see the chunk of Morgan Hall hanging in the air; then it broke free completely and slowly fell from its perch. It started to rotate, but before it could, it smashed into the rubble of the caf and the bottom two layers of dorm. "My room!" Ben screamed as it hit. (wub wub wub) Amazingly, the piece of dorm didn't shatter into a thousand and one pieces the instant it slammed into the rest of the rubble; instead, it bounced once and settled, more or less even and more or less intact. (wub wub wub) Ben charged across the rubble, heedless of the bad footing, found the opening to the hallway, and entered; the building had broken off just before his room and the wall of the room beside it was still there, posters and all. He fumbled for his keys, dropped them, recovered them, and opened his door. (wub wub wub) The room was a little more tumbled than usual, but everything was intact; even the fish tank was undamaged. The power was even still on, although how that could be he wasn't quite sure. (wub wub wub) Satisfied, he closed the door and left. He'd clean up later. (wub wub wub) "Well, you're closer to the Wedge now," said ReRob. (As it turned out, that was not to be; although the crater that had been DAKA was sealed under a titanium sheath to prevent toxic contamination, Ben's room was reattached and the entire north end of Morgan Hall repaired that afternoon by overeager Civil students from Kaven Hall.) Handle With Care--------------------------------------------e "Remember--lightest touch counts!" --The Pioneer Valley Combat Club Later that evening, in the still-intact-if-slightly- rubble-littered Wedge, an evening of standard Wedging around was taking place. Ben was taking a particular interest in the boffa-weapon combat taking place; Zoner against Erik Swimm, and Zoner was winning quite handily. (Actually, he was winning around half the time, but inflicting more damage in every combat.) "Whose folder is this?" asked Kei, poking him in the shoulder and indicating a blue folder lying on the Wedge table. "Dunno...I think it's Vaughn's. He's been looking for it, as I recall..." Just then, Vaughn entered the Wedge in his standard garb; jeans, sneakers, t-shirt. "Morning. How's life. Anyone seen my blue folder?" "Yeah, it's--?" The folder was gone. "Hmm?" "Uh...never mind." "Oh. Well, it must be in the next one over then." For an instant, it seemed that he flickered, like a TV when lightning strikes nearby. If Ben had blinked, he would've missed it. "Well," said Vaughn, "since no one has seen it, I guess I'll just go back to E7, take out my eyes, and become unconscious. Good night..." "'Night, Vaughn," Ben called as Vaughn padded out. "Hmm?" Kei peered at Vaughn as he left, treading unconcernedly upon the floor in his bare feet, and then turned to Ben. "Wasn't he wearing shoes when he came in?" "What?" "Never mind..." "Dunno..." Suddenly, on an impulse, Ben jumped up, shucked his overcoat, and entered the Wedge floor, calling for Erik to toss him the boffa-dagger, which he did. Ben had been practicing for some time; he was a fairly decent fighter now. He was holding his own against MegaZone in what was a desperate combat to say the least. And then a voice rang across the Wedge, clear as a bell: "Zoner!" MegaZone turned, held a hand for pause, and tossed his boffa-dagger to Kei. <> Ben saw his life flash before him with the initial touch; then all his thoughts were based on defense against a trained and practiced onslaught of PVC, foam, and duct tape. He ducked sideways, then performed a nifty tuck under the hissing arc of her boffa-dagger; popping back to his feet, he swept his own weapon around in a slash of his own. Boffa- dagger met boffa-dagger. Damn, she's fast, thought Ben as he desperately parried a blinding series of attacks. There's got to be a weakness somewhere. He weaved across the Wedge, blocking and dodging, the jeers of his fellow Wedge Rats echoing in his ears. He ducked behind one of the columns, then did something extremely sneaky; he kept the pillar between himself and Kei. She couldn't get eyes on him for the life of her; it was as though he had disappeared. Then he reversed the direction of his travel around the pillar, climbed onto one of the Wedge trash barrels, swept the dagger in a great sweep, and tapped the point to Kei's back, just between the shoulder blades. She turned around and grinned. "Cheap trick," she said. "Effective, but cheap." "Uh, Ben? Could I have a word with you?" MegaZone said. "Sure," Ben replied. "Yuri! Catch." He tossed her the boffa-dagger and followed MegaZone out by the mailboxes. "What's up, Zoner?" "You've got to get them out of here," MegaZone said urgently. "Now." "What? Why?" "You read the book. Everywhere they go, everyone dies." "You die...she dies...evvverybody dies..." "Stop it! You're not Ard, Ard is my roommate. Seriously, I don't want to die just yet. I don't care how good-looking they are, I! don't! want! to! die!" "Zoner, you're overreacting. We're not going to die." Ben turned and started heading back to the Wedge. "You worry too much. Besides, there aren't any space stations around." "You don't understand," MegaZone cried, following him. "You're going to get us all killed!" "I don't think so...somehow, I don't think so...just... trust me on this, will you? I have a feeling about this." "Yeah, it's called lust--" "Oh, come on! You wound me, you really do. Take thy beak from out my heart." He turned again and went to the gweepery. Wonder of wonders, an open terminal. He sat down and logged in; a few moments later he sensed a presence, over his shoulder, watching. He looked back; Kei was standing behind him, looking at the monitor. "What's up?" he asked, returning to his gweeping. "Not much," Kei replied. "Yuri's fighting with MegaZone and I got bored. Figured I'd come out here and see what you were up to." "He's gweeping," said Guyblood from the other terminal. "That's all he ever does. He has no life." A look of outrage formed on Kei's face; with one arm she heaved Rick bodily from his seat, turning him and yanking his face right into hers. "Now look, buddy," she said dangerously, "I don't know where you get off passing judgement like that, but it doesn't seem to me you have much more of a life than he does--" "Oh, thanks a lot, Kei," Ben muttered, smacking the Return key a little harder than necessary. "--and if it weren't for him gweeping, as you put it, I wouldn't even be here right now!" She shook him rather violently. "I ought to kill you right here and now, just for the mess you caused in DAKA, you miserable little--" "Uh, Kei?" Ben said, getting up and managing to maneuver past his seat in the crowded gweepery.Z. "What?!" "He passed out about five seconds ago." "Oh." Mildly peeved at not having been able to complete her lecture, Kei dumped Rick unceremoniously back in his seat. "How did he get out of that explosion anyway?" "Idunno. But I do know a true gweep," Ben grinned, looking at Rick's unconscious form and still-logged-in terminal, "would never pass up this opportunity." Hosehosehosebashbashbash. "There, that ought to keep him wondering for a few years," said Ben with a smile. He logged himself out, but left Rick on, so he wouldn't be suspicious. Nothing in his homedir looked different, but... "What time is it anyway?" Kei asked him. He noticed with some measure of surprise that, sometime while he was hosing Guyblood's account, she had taken up a new position, leaning, arms crossed, on the back of his shoulders, her chin on the top of his head. He wondered, idly, what the hell for? "Uh..." He checked his watch. "Three-fifteen in the Oh my God, what are we doing up this late 'ning." "The what?" "The Oh my God, what are we doing up this late 'ning. From two to six AM. The other time periods are morning, six to ten, midday, ten to two, afternoon, two to six, evening, six to ten, and gweepning, ten to two." "Oh." Ben returned to the Wedge. Zoner and Yuri were sitting in the corner of one of the booths, discussing something; Zoner was using his hands to describe motions, which led Ben to believe he was recounting some sort of adventure, probably involving a death defying drive in the Daytona from Hell, while Yuri listened attentively, pausing every now and then to laugh politely. "I," Ben announced upon reaching the Wedge, "am very, very tired. I got up and studied for that Pascal test-- which, incidentally, I boned badly, for anyone who cares-- this morning at eight. It is now three-fifteen. I am therefore going to bed." "Then what are we going to do?" Yuri asked him. In a startling case of parallel development, both he and MegaZone considered for a moment; then each decided his budding friendship with them was solid enough to try a silly, joking innuendo. "Come with me," they both said, and started for the exits. To their and everyone else in the Wedge's extremely incredible surprise, Kei and Yuri looked at each other, shrugged, split up, and followed. Let me tell you, there were some turned heads on Morgan 4th that night. <> Ben couldn't keep the grin off his face as he walked down the hallway toward his room, noting with detached interest the skill with which the dorm had been Krazy Glued back together by the Civils. (They had been practicing long and hard for a day like this.) Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your point of view), his sleeping bag was not of the normal variety; if one were to fully unzip it, it became two separate parts, both of which could then be zipped into a separate sleeping bag. After performing said operation with precision, Ben flopped half of it onto the floor and kicked off his shoes. An argument ensued over "no, I insist" and "no, it's your room," but in the end, he managed to talk Kei into taking the bed. He put out the light, crawled into the bag, made himself as comfortable as one can be with clothes on, and drifted off to sleep, thinking about what a fincredible day he'd had. Zoner, meanwhile, walked into E7 with a nonchalant grin. Nobody in the apartment even questioned where she came from; those who knew, knew, and those who didn't, didn't want to. The only comment that was made was the one Chris Smith screamed toward the ceiling: "VAUGHN!!!!" Coyle Spring--------------------------------------------THREE "Claustrophobic? Hey, do you want a punch in the face or something? I've never even LOOKED at another guy!" --Casey Jones THURSDAY 3 OCTOBER 1991 It was a normal Thursday morning in the Wedge save for a couple of factors: one, it was Career Day, so there were no classes, and two, there could be no such thing as a normal morning anymore. Hanging around the Wedge that fine morning (technically midday, since it was eleven-thirty) were pfloyd, Crocker, Jay Phelps, and Erik Swimm. Crocker was explaining with violent hand motions and lots of shouting what pfloyd had missed, being an off-campus student and all, while the latter sat taking everything in with a slack jaw. "I don't befuckinglieve it," he mumbled as Crocker finished up his tale of amazingness and woe. "And to make things even better," said Rob, "he hasn't come down yet!" "That's not unusual," pfloyd replied, checking his watch. "It's only eleven-thirty--he doesn't get up until at least noon." SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud. <> Ben wandered into the Wedge, wearing the same clothes he had on the day before and thoroughly wrinkled. He looked annoyingly pleased with himself. "Hey," said Phelps, and the Wedge Rats saw Ben visibly wince. He knew something tasteless was coming. He held up his hand for a warning-- SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud. "How was she?" ZARK. "Fully clothed," said Kei with a cruel grin as she stepped around the corner, returning her smoking laser to its holster. Phelps slumped to the Wedge floor, his idiot grin permanently fixed to his face. Moments later, a man in a chef's hat ran from the mailboxes, grabbed him, and dragged him away. "Hey!" said Crocker. "That can't be--DAKA is destroyed!" "Wait a minute, Rob," said pfloyd, rising to his feet. "You've forgotten something." "What?" "Founders." "Right, men! We've a job to do. A duty to perform!" Crocker dug into his duffel bag and hefted his M-16A1 magic wand. "On to honor! On to glory! On to Founders DAKA!" And the Wedge Commandos retrieved their weapons from beneath the Wedge bench and trooped out. "Weird," said Ben, slumping into a booth. "Whattaweek." At about that time, with a tremendous crash of glass and metal and a shout of consternation, a bunch of big guys in windbreakers hurled ReRob through the airlock. "," said he, picking himself up, he was speechless. The four guys shouted in unison "This is your last warning!", turned, and marched away. The backs of their jackets said "KSNP". "Uh, ReRob--who was that?" inquired Ben. "Uh, like have some intense hatred?" spewed Q. "The Knights of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path," replied ReRob, dusting himself gently off with his hat. "I just don't get it. Four guys run up to me, gang-tackle me, and call me queer! With MY P-score! Talk about bad karma!" Macquivr looked up and said, "Some people, you know, they just will not do." "Awww," said Ben. "Sucks to be you," Kei added. "Where did you learn that?" She angled a thumb at Ben. "Oh." ReRob contemplated his hat for a moment. "Things that make you go...hmmm..." "Oh, shut up," said Ben, sinking further into his coat. "What?" ReRob protested. "I was just talking..." "ReRob," said Ben tiredly, getting to his feet, "as I am about to explain for the FOUR THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED THIRTEENTH TIME this morning midday afternoon..." Ben took him by the shoulder and led him out onto the Quad, where he then threw his arms wide and bellowed, " [ [ [[[[[[ [[[[[[[[ [ [ [ [[ [ [[[[[[ [[[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [ [ [[[[ [ [ [[ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [[ [ [[[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ [ [[ [[[[[[ [ [ [ [ [ [[ [[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [ [ [[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[[ [[ [ [[[[[[ [[[[[ [ [ [ [ [[[[ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [[[ [ [ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[ [ [[ [ [[[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[[ [ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ [[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[[[[ [ [[ [[[[[[ [[[[ [ [ " The Wedge windows rattled. "That's what Yar said, too," said ReRob unflappedly. Ben took a deep breath and walked back into the Wedge. ReRob shrugged and followed him. Moments later the Wedge Commandos returned, grimy, sweaty, food-smeared, breathless, their ammo depleted, wounded, grinning, and triumphant. The muzzle was blown completely off Crocker's magic M-16, but he seemed quite happy nonetheless. "DAKA is dead! DAKA is dead!" they chanted as they paraded into the Wedge, bearing on their shoulders the heroes of the hour: Zoner and Yuri. Ben buried his face in his hands and slid to the Wedge floor. "Gravity works," ReRob reminded him. "I know," he replied. Meanwhile, the Wedge Commandos deposited their heroes in the Wedge and were marching out into the Quad, alternating "DAKA is dead!" with "Zo-ner!" and "Yu-ri!" Ben turned to ReRob, grabbed him by the shirt, and said in an anguished tone, "What have I done?!" "Grabbed my shirt. The last guys to do that were the Coylian Armada. I suggest you refrain from such actions in the future." "So, ah, Zoner...how did your evening go?" MegaZone smirked a silly little smirk, whistled a little tune, and said nothing. A bead of sweat rolled down Ben's nose, poised on the tip, and fell off. His hands were shaking, his eyes squeezed shut. Zoner's little silly grin drove him absolutely insane, especially under circumstances like these. It was just about then that John Coyle himself entered the Wedge. Unlike the last several times he had entered this particular area, he was not afraid, perhaps because there were very few Wedge Rats in attendance. Only Ben and Q, who were technically members of Meta Chi, not Rho Alpha Tau, were there, ReRob, MegaZone, and, of course, Kei and Yuri. They were all slouched into one Wedge booth, with Kei and Yuri at the back, directly behind the table, Zoner and Ben in the corresponding corners, and Macquivr and ReRob on the sides. Coyle walked over to the Wedge booth, stood in front of it for a moment, and contemplated the Pair. For a moment it appeared he was going to just turn around and walk away; after all, he was receiving extremely strong "FUCK OFF AND GO AWAY" vibes from the Wedge Rats in the booth. But he weathered the onslaught long enough to shake his head and say sadly, "I see you've recruited another matched set." Ben could feel Kei stiffen beside him, even though he wasn't in actual physical contact; the sight of the muscles in her jaw jumping may have been a good clue. Yuri remained somewhat calm, but Coyle felt new additions to the hate barrage from that quarter as well. Zoner, having some experience in dealing with Johnny, just shook his head, knowing what was coming next. And the likely result. "And just what," Yuri said slowly, carefully, "was that supposed to mean?" "Well, it's obvious from the way you're dressed and sitting there--the Wedge Rats have absorbed another matched set of lesbians....when will you people learn--" Ben and Zoner ducked to the sides, going over the side panels into the Wedge and the next booth over respectively. They both knew full well what happened next. "HrrARRRRGHH!!" In perfect unison, Kei and Yuri jumped up onto the Wedge bench itself; then they launched themselves, still absolutely synchronized, up into the air. Ben could almost hear the "tching". They hung in the air for perhaps half a second--a neat trick if you can do it--before unloading twin flying side kicks into Coyle's face. With a wooden-sounding THRUD, Coyle fell flat on his back to the Wedge floor. Q snapped his fingers and announced, "Cold boot." The Pair got down from the table and walked around to either side of him, standing on either side of his head, tapping their toes, arms folded. "So I was wrong," Coyle whispered, still barely conscious. "You're not a matched set. You're both bull dykes." Kei and Yuri's boots slammed into either of his temples at exactly the same time. With nowhere to go, his head was caught in the middle. Consciousness went pif. "Reboot," said Q. itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy--------------------pi "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." --Sherlock Holmes Ben led Kei, MegaZone, Yuri, and ReRob into the depths of Fuller Labs later that afternoon, telling them simply, "You have to see this." "CSLANtronix? I've seen this place before, you know." "No, not that--this." With that Ben grabbed him by the collar and tossed him through the invisible door. PLOOP. "Oh. Shit." muttered ReRob. "Wow, what is this place?" asked Yuri. "I fraggin' wrote this." declared ReRob. "I fraggin' found it, so slot me, ok?" announced Ben. "Rather not." replied ReRob. "Do what to him?" said Kei. "Never mind," murmured Ben. Ben logged in and gestured grandly as the DECstation sprang into existence around them. "Cool," said MegaZone. "Great place to hold Matrix runs in my Shadowrun campaigns." "The Black IC would be a bitch though, for the players too." ReRob quipped, then to Ben, "Whatever you do, don't call up an xtank..." "The absence of xtank from your directory is not a coincidence," Ben said with a grin. "Huh?" questioned ReRob. "Forget it--you never heard about that?" asked Ben. "I'm nigh-oblivious, remember?" "Oh yeah." "But this is 8thdimension?!" "It was." "Was?" "I changed the name." "WHAT?! Why?" "Because the old name was an aej name ...I wanted something different." "What's it called now?" "itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy." "You're sick." "I know." "Itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy?" inquired Yuri. "We've got to show these two Buckaroo Banzai," Zoner observed. "And while we're at it--hey, let's have the anime festival in the Wedge tomorrow! We'll show Space Cruiser Yamato, and BGC, and all my DP stuff--" His mildly demonic grin was getting worse by the passing second. "What's the point, though?" ReRob interrupted. "I mean, you found the HoloDECstation--what does that have to do with--" "Well, I found this--" What do we do next, Doctor? A:> cd /usr-1 What do we do next, Doctor? A:> ls cluless What do we do next, Doctor? A:> "Stop right there," said ReRob urgently. "Do you know what you are doing?" "Of course not." "I didn't think so. Let me fill you in." He took off his hat, cleared his throat, and prepared to exposit. "CLULESS is a programming language which was developed by an unknown but undoubtedly fucked up user." ReRob went on to explain the nuances of CLULESS. And how it was very probably responsible for Kei and Yuri's very existence. As they left the HoloDECstation, Ben contemplated what he had heard. He became more and more convinced that what he had done was a Good Thing. Kei and Yuri wondered why they existed at all. Kei in particular wondered what kind of horrible things could happen to you if you thought your creator was cute. And, for that matter, exactly why she thought he was cute. The First Wedge War--------------------------------------FOUR "It's not the one bullet with your name on it that you have to worry about; it's the twenty thousand-odd rounds labeled `occupant.'" --Murphy's Laws of Combat SATURDAY 5 OCTOBER 1991 It was a standard Saturday in the Wedge; Ben was sitting in the first booth from the mailboxes, getting his stuff ready to play Morrow Project. Zoner was in the next booth over preparing some kind of report and munching on a sandwich. Most of the Wedge Rats were around. Kei and Yuri were discussing close-combat techniques with Tim. fnord "You know," Kelli was telling Kevin Tefft, "I get the absolute strangest feeling about those two..." Rich stood up and shielded his eyes with a hand, peering out over the Quad. "Hey...what frat around here wears red and gold?" "None that I know of," some generic personage replied. "Why?" "Because there's about a million guys in red and gold windbreakers marching this way--and...hey! THEY'VE GOT GUNS!" Rob Crocker jumped to his feet and sprang to the windows; he peered out as well. "I'll be damned. There are a lot of 'em, aren't there?" "Who are they?" "I don't know," said MegaZone, joining them at the windows, "but that's John Coyle in the lead--" "The Knights of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path!" ReRob shouted. "Red alert!" Crocker yelled. "ReRob--activate the defense shield. Ben, Kevin, Zoner--man your weapons! Everyone else, battle stations! Prepare to repulse invasion!" ReRob jumped up behind the Wedge booth near the broken wall and slapped his palm onto the fire alarm. This wasn't an actual alarm switch, but the box that gave out the alarm sounds; it had another purpose. Its activation threw the Wedge into emergency red alert status and activated the Wedge defensive shield. Outside, Coyle ordered the front ranks to open fire. <> Too late; as the first few ranks of Knights opened up with their laser rifles, which for all the world looked like AK47s, the shield was already up. The bolts burst harmlessly on the forcefield, appearing inside the Wedge as blue dots on the shield. "Hey Kevin, look. Blue dots," ReRob announced. "Oh, shut up," said Kevin as he ran to his battle station. With near-anime synchronizedness, he, MegaZone, and Ben all wound up and kicked the three small Wedge tables in the middle. They popped open, the Wedge windows flipped down, and their weapons emerged. On either side were Ben and Zoner's weapons, 20mm M61-A1 Vulcan gatling guns; in the center was Kevin's, a double-barrelled, reactor-powered, plasma-fired flamethrower. Ben slapped on his gunner's helmet, adjusted the mike, turned on the motor for the rotary barrels, and announced, "Wedge Gun One! Ready!" Zoner did the same. "Wedge Gun Two! Ready!" Kevin put on his oven mitts. "WedgeFlame One! Ready!" Meanwhile a computer voice was announcing loudly "RED ALERT. RED ALERT. THE WEDGE IS ON RED ALERT." The Wedge lights turned red. A Red Alert signal flashed on the Lower Wedge windows/liquid-crystal viewscreen. Crocker popped open the principal Wedge booths and a hand from below started passing the emergency defense M-16s to the general populace. Wedge Rats took up positions behind the other tables, behind pillars, behind trash cans, anywhere they could contribute to the defense of the Wedge if the forcefield failed. The Coylians reached the barrier, which extended from the Wedge to the curb; they began pouring laser fire into it. It was a tough device, designed and installed by the legendary First Wedge Rat whose name has been lost to history; even so, it couldn't handle such an onslaught of force for long. Not without blacking out Worcester County. "We have got to get a better power source," said Zoner as he opened fire with his Vulcan. "Well, there's always the radioactive sludge that was DAKA," Ben suggested, activating his own weapon. "Great idea!" Zoner shouted. "It'd be better than Protoculture if we got the resonances right!" (wub wub wub) Macquivr took his station behind the furthest small Wedge table to the east and, picking up a PA mike, began a play-by-play account of the action. The shield was starting to fail. A Coylian stepped up to it and, point-blank, began hammering it with laser bolts, hoping to break through at one specific point. That was incredibly stupid; two streams of blue-white flame and twin rivers of depleted uranium converged on him and baked, roasted, pureed, chopped, and shredded him to a state quite beyond simple mere death. "Gaaah," said Q, "like have some hot flaming brutal destruction." Alec walked in with a pizza, asking who had ordered it; Crocker paid, then handed him an M-16 and proclaimed him drafted. The screaming legions of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path charged the shield, battering it with laser fire and the stocks of their guns. It began to fold for real. "ReRob!" Ben screamed. "The shield's failing!" "Degauss it!" ReRob told him. "Got it!" Ben took one hand off the butterfly grips of his weapon long enough to slap the fire alarm switch hanging on the airlock next to him. The shield pulsed, rainbowing in that pattern of colors called Psychedelic Yawn by some authorities on the psychedelic, and then solidified, temporarily reinstated. Most of Worcester blacked out. One Coylian soldier had penetrated the field during the degauss; he was inside Ben and MegaZone's arcs of fire and under Kevin's. Screaming like a madman, he ran up the extended Wedge window and leaped in an incredible leap over the flamethrower, tackling Kevin to the floor. They rolled across the Wedge through a trash barrel in a tangled heap of limbs and laser rifle. The Knight screamed and jumped to his feet as he realized who he had just tackled. Howling with despair, the soldier raked the Wedge with full-auto laser fire, making everyone drop to the deck; one of his bolts slammed into the shield generator, which, with a shower of sparks, exploded. Then he ate his laser's muzzle. Thoroughly gross. "The shield's down!" MegaZone screamed as Coylian after Coylian poured in an incredible wave toward him. He kept the triggers down; shell casings flew over his shoulder in a never ending smoking stream. Sweat poured down his face. They overran the end of his weapon. "I can't hold!" Ben disappeared under a thrashing horde of them; Zoner followed, trying desperately to retreat and dragged down by sheer numbers. Someone screamed "DIE, Wedge scum!" "We're outnumbered!" Crocker screamed as he opened up with his M-16. "Don't think of it as being vastly outnumbered," pfloyd offered. "Think of it as having a very wide shot selection." Truly wild combat in the Wedge ensued; Crocker et al. opened up with their M-16s while Ben and MegaZone kicked and thrashed madly, with the desperate ability of people with little or, in Ben's case, no real training but lots o' adrenaline. The Knights' windbreakers were body armor; they could take four or five M-16 hits before blood was drawn. Pfloyd shouted something about buying Teflon ammo next time, which Crocker promised to make a note of and pick some up at the local death 'n destruction shop reeeeeal soon. Ben was flat on his back, a Coylian's sneakered foot pressed to his throat; the world was starting to turn red and spots were swimming in front of his eyes as his fingers lost their strength and slid from the Knight's ankle. He heard a terrible wet KRUNCH and thought his neck was broken. My God, he thought, I'm dead and I don't even realize it yet. Then the Coylian slid off him and he could breathe again. He forced himself up on an elbow and looked; the Knight of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path was the one with the broken neck. Kei had grabbed him in a nifty half-nelson-like maneuver and quite neatly rotated his head 180 degrees. He would've thanked her, but she was too busy, so he just fell back to the Lower Wedge wall. With no weapon, it was about all he could do. Zoner was still, somehow, on his feet; he grabbed whole handfuls of Coylians and slung them away from him with desperate strength. Suddenly a pair of arms grabbed him from behind, the fingers laced over the flesh of his throat; oxygen stopped coming in. He reached back; other arms pinioned his own. He tried to walk forward; something was holding his legs. A horde of the Coylians struggled madly to keep him down. Three well-placed laser shots drilled the ones holding his neck and arms through the faces as Yuri came to his rescue; released, he kicked his way free and made it to the Wedge wall with Ben. There were no more guns; all they could do now was watch. "Damn romantic, isn't it," Ben choked through a partially crushed throat. "They fight...we watch." "Well, they're better at this anyway. About all we're good for is getting ourselves killed." "I know...doesn't stop me from feeling like a total dick though...and thanks for your optimistic evaluation of our battle prowess." "Don't mention it." The first wave of Coylians were almost all dead, mowed down by the Wedge Commandos' fire; many of them had tripped and crashed over Ben and Zoner's five-foot piles of shell casings and been trampled by the second wave, including John Coyle himself, who had been shot many many many times (Crocker alone put a full clip into him) before being ground underfoot by his own troops. But they fought like madmen. Kei and Yuri disengaged themselves and fell back, not because the combat was too heavy, but because they were well and truly tired of being groped by the Knights (remember, STRAIGHT and Narrow) before killing them. Better to use ranged weapons to melee in this case. Ben saw his opportunity; he rushed forward as Kei slammed a knee into a Coylian's nose and grabbed the warrior's falling laser rifle. Then, backpedaling rapidly, he sprayed the horde with laser fire, giving her time to disengage. Tossing a second liberated rifle to Zoner alleviated Yuri's tactical disadvantage as well. The situation looked grim; of all the Wedge Rats, only Zoner, Ben, Kei, and Yuri had functional ranged weapons. The Commandos were out of ammo and the third wave of Coylians were advancing, heedless of the losses created by the merciless laser fire. Fritz and Tim were fighting them hand- to-hand now, and despite their truly superhuman skill and strength, were soon overcome by sheer numbers and flattened into the carpeting. (=|-]) "Oh hell," Crocker shouted. "KNOCK!" He wolfed the slice of pizza in his left hand as his right ran the M-16 out of ammo for the last time, then took his 1/2-level fireball spell from his jacket, pulled the pin, and threw. BLAMMO! The blast scattered dead and dying Knights almost back to the curb. And still they came. Kei pulled a minigrenade from its pouch on her left hip, the last grenade either of them had since the Battle of DAKA; she set it to impact and sent it spiraling into the middle of their thickest clump. It had the desired effect; that explosion sent Coylians back to the stone in the middle of the Quad. The last wave of Coylians, the thirty warriors remaining from a once-proud armada, charged through the window, screaming "Honor or death! Honor or death!" Ben's rifle overheated. Laser fire filled the Wedge. Erik Swimm screamed and dropped, a laser hole burned through his left shoulder. "Yuri!" Kei shouted. "(Oh how I hate to do this)--the Card! Now's the time!" Then she turned to Ben and muttered, "Down. On the floor. Now." "Shit, Kei--!" Ben cried as he dropped to the carpeting and put his hands over his head. "It's never the time for the Bloody Card," he told her as she joined him on the floor. Yuri took a small metal card from somewhere in her uniform. The stats and performance of the device immediately flashed to MegaZone's mind: The Bloody CardTM is a device roughly equating the dimensions and weight of a playing card. It is made of a tungsten- titanium alloy with a monomolecular edge. Its ion drives can sustain it for two hours at a time at true airspeeds exceeding one hundred kilometers per hour, and it has rudimentary psychokinetic control. It is somewhat inaccurate, but quite effective for crowd control, and popular among those with a flair for the dramatic. As soon as this thought finished flashing through his mind Zoner simply muttered "Oh shit" and kissed the carpet. She cast, and the Bloody Card howled out in a deadly arc, the sound of its ion drives sending chills up and down the spines of the Wedge Rats. The Card screamed in a crescent of death, sending gouts of blood fountaining into the air as it swept along the line of Coylians at around throat level. Its arc carried it through all but the last, who raised his rifle and sighted on Yuri. The Bloody Card was heading out toward the mailboxes, unable to turn tightly enough in the narrow end of the Wedge to return. Harold Mackiernan, better known simply as h, came strolling around the corner just then; the Bloody Card was heading straight for him. With nary a second thought, he snagged the gore-streaked weapon out of the air, pocketed it, and flicked a small white card of his own at the final Coylian. Distracted, the last Knight of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path caught the card offhand and looked at it. The only thing on it was a large black 1. He flipped it over. YOU CAN DIE NOW. "Thank you," he said to h, and promptly keeled over, dead. "This is yours," said h, and he tossed the Bloody Card to Yuri. "WE WON!" Crocker shouted, raising his M-16 defiantly. "WE WON!" The Wedge erupted in a tremendous cheer. And there was much rejoicing! "Hey," said Rich as he and the others finished lining the dead Coylians up on the Quad, "Coyle's not here." "What do you mean, he's not here?" Crocker demanded, slinging his M-16 and walking over. "And where the hell are Ben and Zoner?" "I've checked all the bodies twice and John Coyle is not among them. And I don't know where they are either." "That's impossible. I put a full clip into him! He was trampled under a hundred soldiers. I think Zoner hit him a couple of times! There's no way he could've been evacuated in all that confusion..." "...so where the hell is he then?" "I don't think we ought to tell Ben and Zoner about this just yet..." Stress Relief Therapy-------------------------Four Point Five "The second step to becoming a mad scientist is having a doctorate. After all, no one is going to tremble in fear at the name of the Mad Mister Rainbow." --The Mad Scientist Primer "Where the hell did the Animated Quartet go?" thought ReRob. It was a, well, UNIQUE day. He had just experienced the Wedge War. He saw the Wedge do things it has never done before. He saw anatomical organs he had never seen before. In fact, he had just finished washing some of them off this person. And now, Ben, Zoner, Kei and Yuri had gone piff on him. ReRob was on, shall we say, a mighty adrenaline rush. And he is not the type of person to inflict gratuitous violence on innocent people. Innocent inanimate objects, however, would be another thing entirely. "I think I'll take this one to the road," he thought. He walked downstairs and found his OmniSchwinn. That just wasn't enough. "I need some wheels," he thought. He caught himself. "I need some vehicleage." Too late. Michael Wheeler walked in, retrieved one of his cassettes, and walked out. ReRob never noticed this because of a rather interesting thought entering his mind. It could be done, and the research was the hardest part. "Hey, Mark, can I borrow the REF Field Guide?" "Sure, ReRob." ReRob then proceeded to grab the Invid Invasion tape and MegaZone's VCR. Mark walked downstairs and witnessed ReRob leaving with all this hardware and literature. "What the hell is that for?" "Kinemasochistics. You wouldn't believe the project we've got." ReRob locked himself into the HoloDECStation (HDS) and kludged up a window with a video input port. He plugged the VCR in, started playing the Robotech cassettes, and fed the Field Guide into a vidinput window. When the computer was done digesting up the data, ReRob called up cluless and rezzed up a VR-052 Cyclone and a suit of CVR-3 body armor. Cluless sent back a "no prob" on the CVR-3, but stopped short on the actual Cyclone. The error message was: protoculture: yaright? ReRob told the computer to fuck the protoculture and give him a Cyclone sans power unit. There are better power units than protoculture anyways. Especially when one had a VCR. Within an hour, he had fed itsnotmygoddamnplanetmonkey- boy all three Back to the Future movies. He then rezzed up the DeLorean. Cluless yaright?ed on the flux capacitor, but that was okay. He didn't want a DeLorean. He removed Mr. Fusion, and installed it in the gas tank of the Cyclone. Like, have some power. Within five minutes, ReRob learned that walking through the basement of Fuller Labs wearing futuristic body armor and pushing a variable-geometry motorcycle raises eyebrows. Telling students that this is the true power of UNIX didn't help. After a field trip to the Atwater Kent dumpster for fusion material, ReRob dropped some leftover SPAM into the gas tank, kick-started the fusion reactor, and sped off into the sunset. He only dropped the machine three times on the way off campus. All in all, it was a simple learning procedure. Mr. Fusion is many things, but it does not use a physical transmission. In other words, it's an automatic motorcycle. ReRob had ridden bicycles before, so it was just the concept of turning at higher speeds and with more weight under him. Thus, he was just about getting the hang of it and cruising down I-290 when the cops took an interest in him. The Cyclone is a rather amusing and powerful mecha unit, but it was never designed for twentieth century street use. To be sure, it carries headlights and all the normal safety features. The only problem is that there is literally nowhere to place a license plate. The only obvious spot, on the tail of the machine, is the perfect place to fry the poor aluminum off while jetting around in battloid mode. Fortunately, ReRob was wearing his CVR-3. This completely obscured his features. Besides which, he looked incredibly cool. Unfortunately, this didn't stop the main problem, that being black and whites behind him with sirens wailing. "But," ReRob thought, "Let's get real. A motorcycle on an interstate with a top speed of over two hundred miles per hour versus Ford mega-sedans. Null perspiration." And with that, he experienced the joy and dangers involved with removing the front wheel from the tar. He eased off on the throttle, reminded himself that he was wielding a fusion powered road machine, and figured that while high rates of velocity were necessary, large values for higher derivatives of position were right out. The cops were no problem in about fifteen seconds (that's one combat round for you Palladium gamers), but a new difficulty arose. Even in Massachusetts, driving around at one hundred fifty miles an hour creates interesting problems in traffic avoidance, meeting other vehicles at relative velocities of over seventy miles an hour. ReRob slipped into a game of Pole Position in his mind, and survived for the next minute or so. Then he ran across a strip of traffic flying formation; there was no way around. A voice from the old Gauntlet game intruded upon his thoughts: "Wedge Rat is about to die." He checked and realized that he was fresh out of quarters. This was his last game. Flub this, and it was all over. There was only one way out. It was untested, and would probably remove several parts of his anatomy along with his all-important ugly baritone singing voice. "Oh well," he thought, "Not like I'm going to have a use for it if I end up in this guy's hatchback." He pushed a lever from the down to the up position. The bike proceeded to behave in several ways that bikes never normally react. First thing it did was microjet up to leap over the line of traffic in question. That was the simple part. Then the front faring started acting up. It split in two and attached itself to ReRob's chest armor. The engine, it seemed, was not an internal combustion engine at all, but just a latex item that looked like one. It rapidly deflated itself. The skid plate moved up and became a chest piece. By almost sheer coincidence, it linked perfectly with the armor codpiece: ReRob was still a baritone. The entire back of the motorcycle, tail through fuel tank/Mr. Fusion, slid behind ReRob, folded up, and attached to his back. The wheels swung around in a rather unbalancing position and deployed jets. ReRob was now a quasi-cyborg, over three hundred fifty pounds of flesh, metal, plastic, and ceramic, and was now hovering over the northbound lane of I- 290, thinking "Neat!" He hovered over to the southbound lane, waved to the cops as they passed, and landed on the grassy strip next to the breakdown lane. He began the sequence which would allow him to extricate himself from his bike and ride it again. But only one thought took up his frontal lobes: "Shouldn't I be thinking something profound here?" Worcester Nightlife--------------------------------------FIVE "[quote deleted]" --Macquivr (Q) Later, down at the Thai Orchid (a local Thai restaurant, obliviously), we find Zoner, Yuri, Ben, and Kei enjoying a rather well prepared meal. Kei and Yuri were wearing stunning evening gowns which had set both Zoner and Ben back about a term's spending money. "So how are you enjoying your stay at the Worst Place Imaginable--ahem--Whoopie Tech so far?" inquired 'Zone. "So far, so good. Do you normally have so much violence on campus?" asked Kei. "No. It isn't normally this bad," --sideways glance at Ben-- "I can't figure out why it has been so bad." (elbow) "Side effect. It'll pass," Ben parried. (poke) "So, what is there to do in...." Yuri began. "PASS THE SALT NOW!" screamed Ben, his hand suddenly bending his fork. "I knew I shouldn't have let you order." "Iai!" Kei shouted, snagging the salt shaker from Ben's hand. "Me first! This stuff is deadly!" "So I like spicy food," Zone replied with an evil smirk. "You were saying, Yuri?" "Yes, I wanted to know if there was anything interesting to do in Worcester." "May I reply to that?" interjected Ben. "Why not?" Ben got up from the booth and began to pace, his hands folded behind his back. "From the home office in Schenectady, New York: The top ten things to do in Worcester on Saturday night. "Ten: Drive to Boston. "Nine: Drive to Boston for the evening. "Eight: Why not drive to Boston? "Seven: Driving to Boston is a definite possibility... "Six: Drive to Boston. "Five: If you're feeling particularly ambitious, you could drive to Boston. "Four: Drive to Boston. "Three: It wouldn't hurt to drive to Boston. "Two: Go to Spag's. Bet you thought I was going to say drive to Boston didn't you?" And the number one thing to do in Worcester on Saturday night is:" "Drive to Boston?" hazarded Kei. "Survey says: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXXXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXXXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Thank you for playing. No, the number one thing to do in Worcester on a Saturday night is: "Get mugged!" "Bravo! Now sit down and stop making a spectacle. I can't take you anywhere," observed Zone, eliciting a chuckle from both Kei and Yuri. "True, since your car is in the shop!" Ben jabbed. "Ouch! Low blow! So the Daytona from Hell is ill, I'll have it back on Monday, for 300 bucks which I can't afford." "What is this Daytona from Hell?" asked Kei. "I'll explain it later," replied Yuri. The collective group fell into standard dinner rapport, occasionally interrupted by Ben's pleas for the salt to cut the spice. As the evening progressed it was obvious that Zoner and Yuri gravitated into one pair and Ben and Kei another. (Kinda like bookends.) <> After dinner the quartet began a leisurely stroll back to campus, veering around the Centrum to prolong the walk; after all it was a pleasant night. They were just strolling along when Kei reached over to get Yuri's attention. And when they made contact they froze. Their gaze seemed to be focused at infinity. "Zoner, I think we have a problem..." muttered Ben. "Obliviously, Ben, they appear to be having one of their psychic flashes," observed Zoner. Slapping a hand to his forehead, Ben replied, "Duhh. So what do we do?" "We wait." A few tense seconds later the Angels broke out of it. Collapsing into Ben's arms, Kei gasped, "What was that?" Yuri, being similarly supported by MegaZone, replied, "There's an attack coming." "COYLIANS?!" Ben and Zoner exclaimed in perfect harmony. "No, it seems to be giant humanoid robots or something like that," Yuri continued. "Why is it always giant... humanoid... robots???" Ben murmured in a tired voice. "We have to find a defensible position!" Zoner blurted in a rare burst of logic. "We could scale this building," suggested Kei. "100% NutraSweet," responded Ben in his Ad-Man-Voice. "Huh?" Yuri questioned. "Never mind," Zoner cut in. "I have an idea..." "Uh oh..." interrupted Ben. "As I was saying, I have an idea. The Galleria's parking garage is right over here." The quartet hurried off towards the garage as the sound of an approaching horde filled the air. Panting heavily, Zoner declared, "We're here. Any sign of the enemy?" "Well, since we're being obvious...how about that large pack of soldiers and the attack choppers?" panted Ben. "You guys are out of shape," observed Kei. "I'm soooooo sorry," Zoner snapped. "Kei, we have better things to think about. Like that horde over there," Yuri interjected. Ben collapsed into a coughing fit. Noticing this, Kei asked, "What's wrong with him?" "Asthma. He'll either recover or die. Don't worry about him. Worry about THEM!" Zoner shrieked. ZARK! A laser bolt slammed into the wall next to Yuri, who then pulled her blaster out of her purse. "You brought that to dinner?" Zoner asked incredulously. "Sure, so did Kei. Didn't you bring a weapon?" "NO! I don't OWN one! Before this past week I never NEEDED one!" "What about him?" Kei gestured to Ben's choking form. "I severely doubt it!" Zoner snapped. "Unless you count his Buck knife, which personally I don't!" ZARK! ZARK! ZARK! KA-ZAP!!! More lasers sliced chunks from the concrete. Followed by a large particle blast. ZARK! ZARK! Kei and Yuri returned fire. ZARK! ZARK! They began dropping the oncoming horde with ease. Well, they dropped, but some began to get back up. "Oh shit! BOOMERS! How... Never mind, WHO?" Zoner exclaimed. "Boomers? The deli?" Ben asked, staggering to his feet, the spasm almost over. "The killer 'bots from Bubble Gum Crisis!" "Oh. Them.... OH! THEM! GAAAH!" Ben said as the importance of this fact dawned on him. "Boomers? Bubble Gum Crisis?" Kei and Yuri asked in stereo. "Never mind! Keep shooting!" Ben and Zone snapped in unison. "I'm getting tired of being told to never mind," Yuri said to anyone who was listening, who at the time was no one. "Look. Over there!" Zoner said, gesturing to a pair of racing bikes. "Think we can hotwire them?" Ben asked. "We can damn well try." "Hey! The keys are in them!" "Oh... Look," Zoner said, gesturing to the Becker College parking sticker. "Natch," Ben quipped. VVRROOMM!! SSQQUUEEAALL!! "Get on!" Zoner yelled. Yuri leapt onto his bike, while Kei mounted Ben's. "Hang on, I haven't driven one of these in over a month," Ben said. "So, I haven't driven one in at least 15 years. No time like the present to learn," Zoner replied with a smirk. "What? Are you crazy?" "Well, my philosophy is, if you try to stay sane in life, it'll just drive you crazy. So, you may as well go crazy now and have fun with life." Then he grinned darkly and slowly intoned, "It's a couple of miles to campus...we don't know what we have for gas...we don't smoke...it's dark...and we're wearing trouble consultants." "Hit it." Ben finished the thought and fired his bike out of the garage, with Zoner wildly trying to keep his own under control behind him. <> The bikes screamed from the garage, flying through the troop of Boomers and under the three attack choppers. ZARK! The remaining Boomers shed their human guise in a gross but effective manner and fired their thrusters to give chase. Their lasers and particle cannon lashed out at the fleeing bikes. Kei and Yuri began returning fire. They were disappointed by their lack of results. "No use fighting these 'bots, we've gotta lose them!" noted Yuri. "Ben! The tunnel!" MegaZone screamed, gesturing wildly, then turned onto Main Street. Ben followed suit, before realizing what Zoner meant. "Are the choppers that dumb?" queried Ben, more to himself than anyone else. "Let's find out." Zoner gunned his engine to a rating several octaves above manufacturers' recommendations. He then remembered the joys of third gear. Shift-lurch! Meanwhile, Ben was all the way to fourth (sick minds! On a moving superbike?!?! Talk about P-points!) and screaming almost as loud as his motorcycle. Air moved against his right ear and formed into the words "How fast are we going?" [Normally, he would have found such a phenomenon intolerably stimulating...but not here.] "Do you really wanna know?" he replied beyond the top of his lungs. "Uh...hmm." "I didn't think so!" Going the wrong way down Main Street into the tunnel is generally not recommended by the Worcester Police Department. However, the Worcester penal code was probably not written considering the needs of motorcyclists who have to deal with attack helicopters. Ben and Zoner avoided the few cars going the right way that time of night, entered the tunnel, then saw a flash of light shove its way through the walls. "Yep. They're that dumb," shouted Ben. "One down, two to go, not to mention Boomer troops." He found it amazing that anyone stupid enough not to look for large stationary objects like, say, tunnel roofs, would be piloting one of those aerial juggernauts. *slap* Duuuh. A Saab 900 Turbo loomed, or at least as close as a Saab 900 Turbo gets to looming, ahead; Zoner hollered something unintelligible and ducked around it. It skidded, trying to dodge him, right into Ben's path. Ben knew a bit about motorcycles; for one thing, he knew that, with the extra weight the machine was hauling, an attempt to dodge violently enough to have any chance at success would put them on the side, skidding under the Saab's wheels. "Kei!" he screamed. "When I tell you to, lean back!" "WHAT?!" "Just do it, trust me! Ready? NOW!" As she threw her weight back, so did he, while tossing a downshift and ramming the throttle open. The racer responded with a howl, its rear wheel clawing at pavement. The front wheel rose from the ground and struck the speeding Saab's hood above the front bumper. Momentum, a bit of skill, and a shit load of luck carried them up and over; the bike slammed into the street front-wheel-first, throwing Ben violently against the handlebars and Kei violently against Ben. They wobbled, dipped, ducked, and then recovered--all at sixty miles per hour. "You ok?" Kei shouted. "Fine, you?" A light squeeze to his shoulder reassured him that she was. Zoner jerked his transmission while forgetting the clutch (hey, it doesn't look like a stick-shift), and Yuri responded by sinking her left hand deeper into his shoulder as he tried to look back at Ben and Kei. He still didn't quite believe he had seen that. The twin motorcyclists found a dead end, and geeked the second 'copter on a conveniently placed costumed, antennaed figure who then leapt across the alley as though nothing had happened, a pair of what appeared to be high-tech binoculars hanging around his neck, accompanied by a large rabbitlike figure with wings. Both bikes turned around, and four pairs of eyes found the third attack chopper hovering, waiting for them. MegaZone gunned his engine first, with a battle cry of "Shiiiiiiiit!" The chopper responded by exploding in a tidy fireball and falling just behind the twin bikes. Zoner and Ben raced down Main St. while Kei and Yuri handily plugged the remaining Boomers. It hadn't taken them long to discover the head was the weak spot. "Wow...neat..." Zoner was busy admiring the destruction when he banked around a corner and nearly got his head ripped off by a construction barricade. The words MAX HEADROOM 5'3" zipped by as he threw an instinctive downshift and ducked around it; he was feeling pretty damn proud of himself for that maneuver when he hit a Jersey barrier. The front fork of the bike responded to the stress with a big, very definitive "NOT" and totally collapsed. Zone's only warning of such impending disaster was the sensation of Yuri's fingernails apparently attempting to etch her initials into his collarbone. MegaZone hung in the air in much the same way that a B-52 bomber with no functional engines, a full bomb load, half of one wing blown off, the other wing completely severed, a fire near the fuel tanks, and a dead crew would, given the opportunity, and landed on his back in a dirt pile. He opened his eyes just in time to see Yuri land gracefully ten feet in front of him and have the front tire bounce by to add to his injuries. Ben succeeded, surprisingly, in a stylish skid-to-a- halt-with-left-side-banked-and-left-foot-planted stop, grinned, and announced in his finest Sports-Event-Announcer- Voice, "And for MegaZone's incredible dismount: a 9, a 9.6, a 9.9, a 4.2 from the Bulgarian judge, and a 9.6! That's good enough to move him on to the gold medal round. He would've had an even better score, but he took a couple of extra steps on that landing, and it cost him in the final standings. Thank you for playing `How the fuck do I drive this thing?'!" "Very goddamn funny. I'm in a great deal of pain. I am NOT enjoying this. Do you think we could possibly obtain some medical attention, NOW?" Zoner snarled. "What, don't you have a DocWagon contract?" Ben chuckled. "Oh, a comedian! This is REALITY, not some story from Shadowrun." "This isn't Reality. Vaughn's Reality. This is a motorcycle accident in downtown Worcester." "BEN!" "So sorry. Shall I call an ambulance?" "If you would BE SO KIND!" Kei dismounted, chuckling, and walked over to check on Yuri. Yuri, of course, being used to this kind of event, had landed fine. Ben hopped off his bike and checked it over; the front fork was annoyingly bent from the leap he had taken over the Saab, and the finish on the front fairing was dinged. "I have to get a tougher bike," he observed, wincing and rubbing his shoulder a bit. "I think I'll achieve unconsciousness now," Zoner said, closing his eyes. "What? Did that hurt him?" Yuri asked. "Well, actually YES!" Zoner declared in a Carlinesque manner. A VR-052 Battler Cyclone-clad figure, smoke still streaming from a forearm rocket launcher, clunked onto the scene. Ben, Zoner, Kei, and Yuri looked at the warrior and prepared to square off for another combat. For Zoner this involved attempting to peel himself out of the MegaZone- shaped dent in the sand. The figure flipped the faceplate back from the helmet, drew a curly-q in the air, and said, "Gweepings." The quartet simultaneously exclaimed, "ReRob!?" MegaZone then collapsed to his back again, letting out a soft groan as ribs grated together. Strange and Mysterious Ways-------------------------------SIX "Character is what you are in the dark." --Lord John Whorfin The last tap had gone in that afternoon. The newly- pilfered DECstation 5200, overthruster, was linked to the net with an illegal Ethernet and powered by a tap from the reactor in Washburn which was also extremely illegal; what none of the NukeEng students realized was that the reactor was no longer a puny Uranium-235 10-kilowatt reactor. Now it was a radium-reinforced fission unit capable of powering a Valkyrie fighter in sustained combat. (As if any Valkyrie pilot would go into combat powered by a fission reactor. Yeah, right.) No one in the NE department noticed any difference; all the extra power was going to power overthruster and an assembly line. From his headquarters in the (sub^5)basement of Alden Hall, Largo watched as the last vid display went to static. "DAMN! They're better than I thought. No," he reconsidered hastily, "they're just lucky. Next time I won't underestimate them," Largo sneered. "Entropy! Do you have any ideas?" "We could create more Boomers. Or perhaps some Invid," Entropy, aka Larry Foard, suggested, looking up from his DECstation 5200. "No! We must develop a better battle plan. These Wedge Rats seemed to be skilled in repelling direct attacks. We must try subterfuge. We will undermine their efforts to stop us by striking at their weak points," Largo ranted. "I don't know. I don't really have much against them. After all, I am considered to be a Wedge Rat too," Larry protested. "Silence! I am paying you well! After all, it was you who brought me to this world. You and your gweeping! If you hadn't hacked your `overthruster' into `itsnotmygoddamn- planetunderstandmonkeyboy' and started playing with clucomp I would have never existed in this reality! But since I'm here I might as well flex my muscles and take control of this worthless campus. Once I control Whoopie Tech I'll be able to use its resources to build the army I will need to control the world," Largo euthusiastically decried. His face darkened to an evil sneer as he finished with, "And now...you know too much." "So, what are the weak points you spoke of?" Larry asked, utterly unconcerned. "Their emotions! They actually care for each other. We must find a way to drive a wedge between these Wedge Rats. We must find a way to destroy this...Dirty Pair and use this to destroy the Rats emotionally," Largo declared. "The loss of those two women will deprive them of a good deal of their combat skill as well..." "Wedge between Wedge Rats? Sheesh!" Larry mumbled. "What was that?" "I said, `whatever'...I suppose it's up to me to find a way to do this, right?" "Of course. That is what I pay you for!" "Fine, so leave me alone and let me get to work." With this Entropy bent over the keyboard to overthruster and began hacking the source to clucomp. "This may take a while." Ben crawled into his sleeping bag, never more grateful in his life for a warm, semi-comfortable place to sleep. (Just lucky it was his turn for the bed.) He was quite surprised, then, to be awakened a few seconds later by Kei, who was crawling in beside him. "What," he inquired curiously, "are you doing?" "It's cold on the floor--you've got room," she replied. Ben tried desperately to keep his head from spinning; he needed all the brainpower he could muster at three-thirty in the Oh my God, what are we doing up this late 'ning to figure out what was going on. Could it be that this incredibly beautiful girl from the inside of a hard disk found him-- short, squat him--attractive somehow? The very thought was inconceivable. Women thought of him as a friend, a confidant, a non-threatening male presence--never as an object of romance. It was at that moment that she shifted closer; before they had been in the same sleeping bag, but separate, and the balance on the narrow college bed was somewhat precarious. Now she had shifted closer; all along them, there was contact. Kei had removed her invisible polycarbonate- laminate body armor; all that stood between them was his clothing and her 3WA uniform. If he hadn't've been so bone- tired, Ben would've found that unbearably exciting. As it was, he did nothing but fall extremely asleep. That was ok, so did Kei. <> Zoner led Yuri into NY8XW305 (well, that was the license plate on the door; actually it was Ellsworth 7). Logan was sleeping on the fold-a-couch in the living room. Apparently he had anticipated being thrown out of the room by Zoner again and decided he didn't want to be awakened again. "Are you OK?" Yuri asked, concerned. "Well, I have contusions, lacerations, two broken ribs, and my entire body hurts, but other than that I'm just F-I-N-E," Zoner intoned solemnly. "Fine?" "No, F-I-N-E: Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional," Zoner answered. Yuri chuckled. "Well, your sense of humor isn't hurt." "That's about the only thing that isn't." "Oh, really," Yuri said, a mischievous grin spreading across her face. "Uh, Yuri. What are you thinking?" "Wouldn't you like to know." "MMgggaazznn, thht yoo???" Logan muttered. "No, you're dreaming," Zoner whispered. "KK..." Logan mumbled and rolled over. "Let's go upstairs before we wake him up," Zoner said, waving his arm toward the staircase. "Okay," Yuri said, that same infuriating grin on her face. Yuri led the way up to Zoner's room. Once inside Yuri closed the door and locked it. "Ummm, Yuri. I may be naive, but I'm not stupid. What exactly are you planning?" Zoner asked after noticing her locking the door. "Well, I wanted to tell you that you were great out there today." "And for this you needed to lock the door?" The reality of the situation was slowly dawning on him. "Well, no. But I also wanted to tell you that, well, that I'm attracted to you." Zoner took a step back. "Ah, right. Sure. Listen, you're a fictional character and I'm a screwed up college super-sophomore. I don't think this is gonna to work." "Why not? You don't find me attractive?" Yuri asked, mildly annoyed. "Hey, whoa. I never said that. Of course I do. You're interesting, beautiful, and being with you is certainly never boring," Zoner defended. "So, what's the problem?" Yuri asked again, walking over to Zoner. "I don't know. I was never one to just jump into a relationship. This is moving a little too quick, my head is spinning. I almost DIED tonight. Now, I don't care about death. It doesn't scare me. But I don't want to die just yet," Zoner emphatically stated. "So I'm a hazard to be avoided?" Yuri asked, apparently insulted. "No, no, no. I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm just surprised. Kei, well, I would sort of expect this from Kei, which reminds me, I wonder what--no, I don't wanna know," he said, lapsing briefly into It's-late-I'm-tired-I'm- talking-faster-than-I-think mode before recovering and continuing with, "She seems to move pretty quick, but I guess coming from you it sort of surprised me. Especially since you're so beautiful and this school has a male to female ratio of about 5 to 1. You could have just about anyone you wanted. So why me?" Zoner asked. "Well, you don't run away when you see us for one, even though you know about our past. Second, you're interesting. I enjoy talking to you. You're a nice guy." "Ouch! Nice GuyTM! That's almost as bad as having a great personality!" "I was about to say that," Yuri mumbled. "And could you really handle being my SO? I'm Joe Average when it comes to looks. I'm overweight and out of shape. You always seem to go for, well, for.." "Hunks?" Yuri ventured. "Yeah, hunks," Zoner continued. "So, are you still interested in me?" "Yes. There should be much more to a relationship than looks. I LIKE you. You actually talk to me and are interested in what I say. You like me for who I am, not just for my body." "Well, I like that too," Zoner jabbed. "Oh, really," Yuri said, that smile returning. "So, let's see if I can make you forget your injuries." "Wait a minute, Yuri, I--mmmpphhh--" Zoner's response was cut off as Yuri kissed him full on the lips. "Do you still have cold feet?" Yuri asked, a twisted little grin on her face. "Well, actually yes, but I think that's because the window is open," Zoner joked. "Oh, come here," Yuri said, pulling Zoner towards the bunk. Ben awoke at ten-fourteen the next morning, having had the most bizarre dream of his life. Giant 'bots, lasers, motorcycles, and God only knows what else. It was all a purple haze. A finger tapped him on the shoulder; he rolled a bit and peeled his protesting eyes open. His vision got as close to focused as it ever got without his glasses; Kei was propped up on an elbow, grinning at him in that annoying way that morning people do. Even with his unfocused vision and the fact that she apparently had also just awakened, she was beautiful; Ben was immediately quite conscious of what hell he looked like in the morning, and immediately tried to slip down into the bag again. "Stop that," Kei chided him. "What're you hiding for?" "I look like hell," Ben replied. "Not to me you don't." "Oh, come on." Ben surfaced, a tad of defensive ire arising inside him. "Don't pull this routine with me; I've been down this path before. You could have any guy you want--don't try and make me think you find me attractive. I'm not that stupid." Kei looked hurt. "Why would I lie to you?" "I don't know, but it's been done to me before. I'm very familiar with the concept of cruelty." "I do find you attractive," she said. "You're a very special guy. For one thing, you don't scream and run the instant you see us on the horizon, like most men." "Yeah, well, I'm for certain not the kind of..." "Hunk?" "Yeah, whatever...I'm not the kind of guy you usually look for." "Let me let you in on a little secret. Huge, muscular hunks are always either one of three things. Unmercifully stupid, taken, or gay. You are obviously none of the above." "Yeah, well, be that as it may, I'll believe this particular bit of weirdness when I see it." "You honestly don't believe me? Fine! I'll prove it to you." And with that, she grabbed his head and planted an ardent kiss on him. When she released him a minute and a half later, he let out a small "gaaah?" and slumped back on the pillow. "You see?" she said to him. "I could have any man I want, you said so yourself. So why would I have wasted something like that on someone I didn't find attractive? Wow, you're paranoid." "No," he said weakly, "I'm not Paranoid. Jen's Paranoid. I'm Gryphon." "What? I'm confused now." "No, you're not Confused. Rob Crocker's Confused. You're Kei." "Gweeps," Kei said, shrugging, and kissed him again. "Wait a second," he said, pushing her gently aside. "This is... wrong." "Why is it wrong? We're both mature individuals--you're eighteen, I'm nineteen--we can make our own decisions. I like you, you like me, where's the problem?" "You're not nineteen, Kei...you're four days old. You were created out of thin air on Wednesday, I'm still not sure how...what I am sure of is that I'm the one who did it. I'm your creator, for God's sake." "So? Where's the harm? There's nothing genetic involved, no precedent...I'm attracted to you, hard as that may seem for you to believe, and you're quite apparently attracted to me...so why not?" He put on his glasses for a second and looked at her; focused, she was even more beautiful. His senses reeled. "Can't see me? Are you nearsighted?" He nodded. She took his glasses and laid them on the trunk. "Guess I'll have to get closer then." "Kei--" "Shh," she silenced him with a fingertip's touch to his lips. "Don't worry about it. We're here, it's working, it's right. Don't argue with it--you're only arguing with yourself if you do that." She smiled a cockeyed little grin. "So let's...experiment, shall we?" <> He didn't make it to many afternoon Wedgely things that day. The Mellow Day------------------------------------------SEVEN "Things we do instead of doing our homework." --Zoner <> Ben wandered into the Wedge that afternoon around five, wearing a t-shirt that said "Operation Zenith--WE NEVER FAIL" and a strange, inscrutable smile; Kei was with him, wearing an exact duplicate of his shirt. They settled into a Wedge booth; he opened up his backpack, removed a largish printout, and they began to read, the very picture of serene relaxation. "Hey, Gryph!" ReRob called as he entered. "Where were you all this afternoon?" "In my room," Ben replied without looking up. "You overslept?" "Something like that." He was steadfastly remaining mysterious about whatever he had been doing; that confused ReRob, but there was really a good reason for it. The last thing he wanted to discuss with ReRob was purity loss. What was the purity loss for making it with a cartoon character? One you brought to life? He didn't want to think about it. He was just too damned happy. "What do you mean, `Something like that'? Either you overslept or you didn't..." ReRob's voice trailed off as an unsettling thought occurred to him. "Unless... no. Tell me you didn't--" "Didn't what?" MegaZone asked, walking in from the gweepery's direction with another silly smirk on his face and Yuri at his side. "He didn't make it out of his room this afternoon," said ReRob, angling a thumb at Ben. "So I asked him if he overslept and he said, `Something like that.'" "So?" said Zoner. "Big deal." "For that matter, where've you been?" MegaZone replied, "You live with me, remember?" "Oh yeah. So you're just getting up? What time did you get into bed?" "Yes, and about 3 or 4 AM. But I didn't get to sleep for a few hours." "What does that mean?" ReRob asked. Zoner replied with his patented smirk. "Why is everyone in obscurity mode today?" ReRob demanded. "This is getting frustrating." "I don't feel frustrated," Ben said calmly, putting his feet up on the Wedge table and flopping the printout into his lap. "You feel frustrated, Zoner?" MegaZone sat down in the side of the booth, put up his feet, cracked a Dew, the beverage of the Gods, and responded, "No, can't say as I do...Yuri?" "No frustration here," Yuri replied, settling gracefully into the booth next to him and opening her own Dew. "Kei?" "Not a bit." She smiled and leaned closer against Ben's shoulder as he leafed through the printout. ReRob caught a glimpse of the burst sheet; it was the Principia Discordia. Ben took a sip of his Old Tyme Jamaican Style Ginger Beer, almost managed to not wince, and then handed it to Kei, who slugged it in an impressive manner (Meta Chi nick for OTJSGB: Drano) before handing it back. "See?" said Ben with a grin. "Nobody's frustrated. It's a totally mellow day." He went back to reading. ReRob started to get some inkling of what was going on; even for the nigh-oblivious, the signposts here were just too obvious to miss. "So, what DID keep you up last night, Zoner?" ReRob persisted. "Losing P-points," Zoner jabbed. "Ahem, right. Ben, what were you doing?" "Last night? Sleeping," Ben answered truthfully, eliciting a sidelong glance from Zoner and returning an earnest little nod. Crocker walked in and asked about the same questions ReRob did to Ben and Zoner. He then turned to ReRob, who was covered with minor scrapes and bruises. "Looks like you had some fun last night. Do I know her?" "No, but you should. She's really into inflicting pain. It's her entire mission in life." "Sounds kinky!" "Not really kinky, just painful. But, Gaah!, she knows how to ride. Trust me, you two would mesh well together. I'll get one for you." Crocker turned and left the room more Confused than ever. Ktefft approached the four smug Wedge residents. "Um, can I talk to you?" Kevin asked, gesturing towards Zoner. Zoner got up, wincing from the pain of his broken ribs. Yuri began to get up with him, but Zoner motioned her to stay. He told her, "This will only take a minute." "Whassup?" Zoner asked. "I need to talk to you about those two," Kevin said, motioning towards the Pair with his head. "Yeah, what about?" "Kelli pointed them out to me, and I think there is something strange about those two women." "Strange? As in magically active?" "Well, yeah. They look different." "Worse that Paul?" "No, no. Paul is DIFFERENT. They just look strange." "Kevin, they are psionically active. They're an ESPer team. Random, somewhat inaccurate, and certainly annoying gestalt contact clairvoyance. I've seen it, it's no big thing." "Oh, well, that explains it." "Tell you what. Take them over to Higgins House on the full moon. I think it's the 23rd." "Ok. Will do. You doing a Shadowrun this Tuesday?" "Don't think so. Someone else is." "Ok, seeya 'round." MegaZone walked back over to the Wedge cubicle and sat down next to Yuri, wincing again. Yuri cuddled up to him. "What did he want?" Yuri asked. "Not much. He just commented on the psionic powers you two have." "How did he know about them?" Kei asked. "Long story. Let's just say that Kevin knows these things, OK?" Zoner answered. "Ok, I guess." Kei replied. "Hey, I wasn't done reading that page." "Oh, sorry." Ben flipped back a page. Badger walked into the Wedge, hugging everyone she knew, which included Zoner. When she hugged him Yuri visibly stiffened. "'Tis ok, Yuri. She's just a friend," Zoner said, trying to calm her. "Has anyone seen Entropy?" Badger asked. There was a resounding chorus of 'no' and then it struck everyone. No one had seen Larry in a long time. A few of them wondered what the computer god could be up to. Oh well, he would probably be on the Encore. "Have someone at the Wedge terms do a Super-Who," Zoner suggested. "Good idea." Badger said as she walked off. A few minutes after she left Zoner looked around and asked, "Ten Minute Walk?", this being the standard colloquial statement signifying a trip to Playoff Entertainment, the local electronic reflex testing center, aka arcade. Why it is called Ten Minute Walk is another story altogether which we will not go into now. The replies were all negative, except Yuri's. "What's Ten Minute Walk?" she asked. "It's an arcade, you know, video games. Sort of electronic combat simulations. Things like that," Zoner replied. "Sounds interesting, let's go." "Ok. Anyone else?" There was an overwhelming wave of apathy and general negative responsiveness. So Zoner and Yuri just got up, said their goodbyes, and left the Wedge. Unsafe At Any Speed-------------------------------------EIGHT "You're drunk. Give me the keys. I'll drive." --Stevie Wonder As they walked across Institute Road to the Ellsworth parking lot, dodging speeding traffic on the way, Yuri asked "Can I drive?" "I dunno, can you?" Zoner responded. "You know what I mean. I need more experience driving your cars." "Well, it is a company car and I'm not supposed to let anyone else drive it..." "Oh, please," Yuri whined, batting her eyelashes and making herself look irresistible. It worked. "Ok. Just take it easy." The car was easy to find. It was a bright red Daytona ES with New York vanity plates which read, surprise, MEGAZONE. Yuri slid into the driver's seat and adjusted it to fit her form; Zoner slid into the passenger seat, slamming his head on the door frame in the process. "You know what you're doing right?" Zoner asked, genuinely concerned...about the car of course. "Yes, I turn the key to start it. And I shift with this and the pedal on the right is the gas, the left it the brake," Yuri answered condescendingly. Luckily the car was an automatic, so there was no clutch for Zoner to worry about. "Ok. So let's go. Take a right out of the lot, and a left onto Institute. Then a left onto Park." Yuri backed out of the parking space and drove out onto the streets of Worcester. She did fine, maybe using just a little too much of the turbo. "Just keep driving down this way, it's a ways down," Zoner instructed. Everything went fine until the guy in the Probe cut Yuri off. "Hey, who does he think he is?!" Yuri exclaimed. "Just a Masshole, don't worry about it. You get used to it," Zoner calmly replied. <> "Well, it isn't very nice. I think I should teach him a lesson." With that she dropped the accelerator to the floor. "Ah, Yuri, what the hell are you doing?" Zoner shrieked, suddenly panicked. "It's ok. I'm know what I'm doing," Yuri replied as she pulled alongside the Probe. "Don't do this Yuriiiiiii!" Yuri swerved toward the Probe, trying to cut him off, but she misjudged the distance and slammed the driver's side of the Daytona from Hell into the right front corner of the Probe. "My car!" Zoner screamed. "Sorry," Yuri apologized. "Watch the road!" "Ayieeee!" Yuri shrieked as she swerved left to avoid the large truck in her lane. This of course caused her to sideswipe the Probe, which then crossed the two oncoming lanes of traffic and slammed into the CVS across the street. Inside the store pfloyd looked up at the tremendous noise as the Probe removed most of the entryway corner of the store. "I hope he'll be alright," Yuri said, glancing back at the crash. "The road!" Zoner screamed, covering his eyes. Yuri turned back just in time to avoid the line of stopped traffic in her lane. She swerved into the left lane and shot through the intersection with Chandler Street, clipping two cars which were passing through the intersection. Zoner was beyond coherency, he just moaned quite a bit. Especially when he felt the Daytona impact something. Yuri was busy dodging traffic and violating every known traffic law in the process. She swerved back to the right to avoid the oncoming traffic, then onto the sidewalk to avoid the traffic on that side of the road. This accomplished the removal of most of the right side of the car on the fronts of the buildings along that side. "Yuri, why don't you use the brake?" "What? Oh, yeah." She successfully brought the car to a halt in the parking lot of State Liquor. Zoner got out and assessed the damage. There was a lot to assess. "M-m-m-m-my car! What have you done. It's dead!" "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." "You didn't mean it?! You didn't MEAN it?! What is that supposed to mean???" Zoner screamed. "It's not my fault! I'm not used to these vehicles. And if that guy hadn't cut me off in the first place..." "Please be quiet. I really don't want to hurt you." "Well, I was just saying..." "Please, just don't say anything. I like you too much to kill you." Zoner added the damage up in his head. The entire fascia was gone. Both fenders were destroyed. Hell, the entire right side of the car was ground down. Both mirrors were gone. The driver's door was dented. All of the air skirts were FUBAR. And there was some liquid dripping onto the ground from under the hood. After composing himself as best he could Zoner spoke. "Yuri, get in the passenger side. And don't say a word." Yuri was about to say something, but after looking at the cold fire in Zoner's eyes she thought it might not be a good idea. Zoner drove back to campus, using the back roads so as not to pass by any of the destruction Yuri had caused, mumbling the whole time about repairs, cops, and mayhem. He parked the Daytona from Hell in the Ellsworth parking lot and said to Yuri, "Leave me alone. Please." "Listen, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault, really, I..." "No more. Please, just go back to the Wedge. I'll be over, later." Yuri exited the car and strolled over to the Wedge. Zoner just sat there beating his head against the steering wheel, mumbling about being killed by his parents and how much the cost to repair the damage would be. "'Lo, Yuri," said Ben as Yuri entered the Wedge. "You're back early..." "I, ah, had a little trouble with the car..." "A little trouble?" Kei said with a smile. "He let you drive? Ha! Doesn't he have any idea how stupid that is?" "And just what is that supposed to mean?" "To put it simply, you can't drive worth a damn." "Oh really." Yuri considered her options for a moment, then sat down in another Wedge booth, tossing back, "Well, at least I don't have to hold my breath to fit into my battlearmor." "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Kei screamed, leaping up. "You're the one who adjusted all the locking plates so the damn thing didn't fit!" "That's because I wore it last. It fit me perfectly," said Yuri with a small grin. Ben was having too good a day to allow this to continue. Rising from his seat, he said calmly, "Please...it's too nice a day...Yuri, what exactly did you do to MegaZone's car?" Yuri described in gritty detail the entire affair. "Ouch," Ben winced as she finished. "That has to hurt." Then an evil smile spread across his face. "Come upstairs for a second...I have something in my room I think you should have..." After Zoner sat beating his head for fifteen or twenty minutes, ReRob strolled up to the open driver's window. "So, I hear you didn't have such a good trip." With deliberate slowness Zoner lifted his head from the wheel and turned towards ReRob. "I know where you sleep. It would be wise not to anger me further," Zoner intoned solemnly. "Tell you what, let me have the car for a while and I'll fix it up for you." "ReRob, I think this car is beyond repair. My parents are going to kill me. I'm dead," Zoner replied, letting his head bounce off of the steering wheel again. "Why don't you let me worry about that. Give me a couple of weeks, and don't tell anyone about this." "I have to go home for break on the nineteenth. And what about the police?" "Well, just hope no one saw you license plate." "Yeah, right. I think I'll go Wedgitate." When he arrived in the Wedge, Ben, Kei, and Yuri were discussing spectacular car crashes, space station explosions, and other unnatural disasters. Yuri was wearing a shirt Zoner didn't recognize--he hadn't given it to her, anyway. It was white with snappy black rolled cuffs on short sleeves and black stripes over the shoulders. He was almost calmed down by this point; he walked deliberately over to the booth and sat carefully down. Then he saw the front of Yuri's shirt. KAMIKAZE RACING TEAM Ben saw his friend's face turning a delicate shade of violet and decided it was time to leave... Millinocket, Maine---------------------------------------NINE "Home, home again. I like to be here when I can." --Pink Floyd The Daytona from Hell was unseen for the next couple of weeks. Around the seventeenth of October Zoner cornered ReRob. "ReRob, I don't mean to rush you. But where is my car?!" "Um, well, I haven't quite finished with it yet." "ReRob, I have to go home in two days. My finals are stressing the hell out of me, and you tell me I won't have a car?!" "Relax, I've got an angle." "You've got an angle? Like what. I need my car. What am I going to tell my parents? I didn't want to drive home so I took the bus? I'm sure they'll buy that. I love my car, I love to drive, and they KNOW that. I'm boned....." "Just take it easy, I've got an angle." "What angle?" Zoner screamed. "Itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy." "What the hell are you doing with that? Never mind, I don't want to know. I just want my car back by Saturday." With that Zoner just walked away. ReRob just shrugged and headed back to the HDS. FRIDAY 18 OCTOBER 1991 Ben was sitting in Wedge Booth #1 with his stuff all around him, ensconced in a little fortress of trunk, duffel bag, and laundry basket. He was, as usual, reading something. "'Lo, Ben," said Yuri as she entered the Wedge. "Where's Kei?" "Dunno...she went that way. Probably taking up one of the Wedgeterms for a frivolous purpose again...I'm just waiting for Mom to show up..." The airlock swung open and Ben's mother entered. Ben waved, which she returned as she came over. "Hi, Ben--ready to go?" "Just about...hey, can a couple of people help me with this stuff?" "Sure," said Yuri. She picked up the trunk and hauled it unconcernedly out to the curb. "I hate it when they do that," said Ben, shouldering his duffel bag. "Who is that?" "Oh, that's Yuri." "Who's Yuri?" "She is." "Stop that!" "Sorry...she's a student. A Wedge Rat." "What's her major?" "MegaZone." "What?" "CS." "Could she help you with your Pascal?" "Yeah, if I felt like living dangerously." "Why, is she dangerous?" "You might say that." They finally reached the curb by this point. "Thanks, Yuri." "No problem...have a nice break." "Thanks, you too." "She's nice," Ben's mother commented as he stuffed his duffel bag into the back of the Camaro. "Do you know her well?" "Mmm..." said Ben, wobbling a hand. "Oh really?" "Mother, don't start with that." "Well, I just want to know..." "Don't. Start. That." "Okay, fine! Ready?" "In a second...there's one more thing I have to get. Be right back," he announced, and ran back into the Wedge. Just as he thought, Kei was indeed on a WedgeTerm MUDding. "Come on, my mother's waiting." "Just a minute, let me kill this thing." "*sigh* Come on, will you? My mother's not the most patient person in the world." "I see it's genetic." "Oh, shut up." Fully ten minutes later, Kei finally got to a point where she was willing to save her character and log out. In that time she slaughtered various critters and things, including Schletz. "Have a nice break," pfloyd called from deep within a Wedge booth. "You too," Ben replied. "Like he has to worry about it," Kei whispered, nudging him. "HMMmmm," Ben replied. Ben's mother, waiting impatiently by the car, looked up, about to say something to him, and stopped, just kind of...looking... "You want the front?" "Sure." "Ok...don't let Mom intimidate you...Mom, this is Kei. Kei --this is my mom Anne." "Hi," said Ben's mom. She grabbed her son by the sleeve, dragged him closer, and whispered, "Who is this?" "I told you," Ben replied, pulling himself away. "This is Kei. She's coming home with us." "", replied Anne, speechless. "Oh, don't look so shocked," Ben replied. "She's got nowhere else to go, I couldn't possibly be so mean as to leave her here in this pit over break. Unlike some people I know." The sarcasm was of course lost, as its recipient was some several dozen yards away watching TV. Ben's mother gave him a very strange look. "I hope you don't mind, Mrs. Hutchins," Kei said in a letter-perfect #141-A (Sweet and Innocent). "It really does get awfully boring here during breaks." "Does your father know about this?" Ben's mother asked him suddenly. "No," Ben replied openly. "He hasn't the faintest idea." "I don't know what he's going to say..." "Probably something like `baaah?'," Ben said with a grin, folding up the front seat long enough to compact himself into the back. "I can deal." "Are you sure it's no problem?" "Not for me, I guess..." Shaking her head, Ben's mother got into the car and shut her door. Kei settled into the passenger seat and away they went. "Hey, a stick shift. You drive stick shift?" she asked, noting the shifter. "Only when forced," Anne replied. "Oh." And thus the conversation went...all the way to the Galactic Center of Nothingness, Millinocket, Maine. Can you say, "awkward"? Sure you can. I bet you can even spell it. Ben dumped his duffel bag on the porch and fumbled for the keys; he managed to get the proper one into the door and open it up. "This is it," he said, spreading his arms wide. "My house." At about that point, the dog noticed people and went berserk. Not dangerously berserk...more of a "Oh, wow, people!" kind of berserk. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, down, muttley, down!" Ben shouted playfully, fending off the retriever. "Hey, a dog! What's his name?" "Randy." "Hi, Randy," Kei greeted the animal, vigorously patting his head. "Can he drive?" "No..." "Play Trivial Pursuit?" "No..." "Operate starship weaponry?" "No...mostly, he sleeps and eats." "Great. We'll get along fine then." Randy proceeded to submit (grudgingly [yeah, right]) to having his head scratched for a very long time. (It takes a biiig lot of convincing to get him to do that, let me tell you.) "Dad must not be home yet," said Ben as he executed Standard I'm Home Maneuver #33--Open The Refrigerator. "You want something?" When Peter arrived home, he discovered his son sitting on the couch, drinking a soda and watching Late Night with David Letterman. That wasn't surprising. What was surprising was the young lady sitting next to him on the sofa, scratching behind the ears of a very contented-looking Golden Retriever and taking in the incredibly silly show as well. "Hey, Ben," said Peter. "How was your trip?" "Fine...yours?" "Fine...can I talk to you in the kitchen?" "I suppose you could, but that would mean I'd have to get up...as you can see, I'm somewhat comfortable...is it really important?" "Yeah, I would say so." "Okay, I guess." Ben heaved the sigh of one who has been called away from a perfectly comfortable couch for no good reason and got to his feet. They went into the kitchen. "Who is that?" Peter asked as soon as they were around the corner. "Oh, how rude of me." Ben went back to the living room and said, "Dad, this is Kei. Kei, this is my father Peter. I invited Kei to come up and spend the week--Worcester during break is even more boring than Millinocket and she had noplace else to go. Hope you don't mind." "Hi," said Peter. "So, are you a student at WPI too?" "You could say that," Kei replied. "I hope you don't mind this--Ben said it would be okay." "No, no, I don't mind. I'll go upstairs and put the guest room together..." "Oh, you don't need to--" Kei began, but a semi-gentle elbow from Ben cut her off. "Hmm?" "I mean, that's all right, I can take care of it myself." "Oh, no, that's no problem. Well, it's been a long day...good night...and Ben, turn down the heater before you come upstairs, you hear me?" "Yep. 'Night." "Good night. Good to have you home, son. And it was nice meeting you, Kei." "You too," said Kei. Confused beyond repair, Peter went upstairs and went to bed. He'd figure it out later. "Why'd you poke me?" Kei demanded. "My father's a cool guy, Kei, but I don't want him to know about certain parts of my life...you know?" "No, I don't--ohhh..." she said, a knowing smile slowly obliterating her earlier look of puzzlement. "I get it. Not a word out of me," she assured him with a wink. "Thanks. I don't know how he'd react..." "Don't worry about it then." She leaned closer and suddenly, with a lightning motion, seized the remote control. A massive battle began for control of the remote, which ended with the two of them on the floor, laughing madly but trying to stay quiet for Peter's sake, grappling for the remote, entangled, and looking up at Mike... Term Break Blues------------------------------------------TEN "I ain't ever gonna let you down. All you gotta do is trust me." --Tom Petty SATURDAY 19 OCTOBER 1991 Zoner slept in late Saturday morning; he had taken his last final Friday afternoon and afterward he and Yuri had relaxed by consuming a few Southern Comfort and Cokes in Ellsworth 7 and watching Rock 'n Rule. ReRob hadn't been seen in quite some time, but Zoner decided not to worry about it. If his car wasn't there Saturday morning he would just have to kill ReRob and face up to his parents. Zoner and Yuri finally woke up around noon, and after kissing their good mornings Zoner went out into the environment that was E7. He found ReRob vegging on the couch watching his Def Leppard Live - In the Round, In Your Face video, which he also had piped through the stereo. "Gweepings," ReRob greeted Zoner. "Gweepings. You know what day today is, don't you?" "I'm pretty sure it's Saturday. Why?" "It's the day I go home, remember?" "Yes." "Well?" "Well what?" "Where's my car?!" "Out back in the parking lot." "Really?" "Really." "My car?" "Well, not quite. You may notice some differences. I created it with clucomp using data I got down at Harr Dodge. It's as close as I could get it. It's sort of a blend of an '89 and '90 Daytona ES, with a bit of DeLorean and some British-AnimeTech Turbo 7000 thrown in for fun. I did use the engine, drive train and tires from your car. You won't be needing them anyway." "That's cool...wait a minute, what did you mean, `You won't be needing them anyway'? And what the hell is an British-AnimeTech Turbo 7000? Isn't British-AnimeTech that fake company Ben made up for his Marvel campaign? The one the Griffin runs?" "Never mind that now. It's a surprise. I haven't quite finished yet, but I'm sure you'll like it." "Whatever, as long as the car out in the parking lot can fool my parents. I'm going upstairs to shower. Later." "Later." After a refreshing shower, Zoner checked in on Yuri. "G'morning love, howsit with you?" Zoner asked. "Ok. You're leaving today, aren't you?" "Yeah, I've got to go home and work for a week. Make some honest money. Help to pay the bills." "I'll miss you. Why can't I go with you?" "Yuri, we've already been over this. My parents are cool, but I'm not sure they could deal with me bringing a woman home to live with them for a week. Even if they could handle it, I don't know if the rest of my family could. It's just a little bit awkward, especially if I have to explain where you came from. That would be nearly impossible. I'm still trying to get a grip on that." "Still, you're going to be gone for an entire week. What am I supposed to do?" "I don't know. Watch my entire videotape collection? Read some of my books? Here, this one's good, Combat Guns, I'm sure it will interest you. Or how about the Epic of Flight series? Or any of the others I've got here. How about the Illuminatus! Trilogy, or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Maybe Red Storm Rising, I've got a bunch of good books. Listen to music. Roger Waters, The Wall, Live in Berlin. AC/DC. Go ask ReRob for some of his weird music if you want, or listen to pfloyd's entire collection of ZZ Top and Pink Floyd when he's here this weekend. You know my password, log in...read news, post to rec.arts.anime, I'm sure they'd think that was cool...I'm sure you'll find something to do. But whatever you do, don't drive anything!" "That's not fair! What happened with your car wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to - mmppphhh...." Zoner silenced her protestations with a kiss. "I know, I'm over it now. I just couldn't resist. Tell you what, I'll call you up a couple of times. I'd have you call me, but my parents tend to sack out early, they don't keep college hours. Well, I'd better get going." He began to pack up his laundry and some of his junk from around the apartment which he wanted to take home. Once finished he went back upstairs to say his goodbyes to Yuri. <> Zoner sat down on the bed next to Yuri and wrapped his arm around her. "Well, I'm packed, guess it's time to leave." "Guess so," Yuri replied morosely. "Don't be so glum. It's only for a week. I'll be back, I don't want to go, but I should see my family, you know. And I want to finish off my flight lessons. Maybe I'll take you up some time," Zoner said, followed by a mumbled, "Not." He grinned and finished with, "Besides, it is money..." "Yeah, you're right. I guess I'll cope." Zoner chuckled. "What was so funny?" Yuri inquired. "You, you're starting to use slang more often. For a while I thought you were going to speak normally forever, I'm glad to see you're picking up the lingo." "Lingo?" "Slang terms, you know, like cope, gweep, and the others you've started using." "Oh. I haven't really noticed." "Well, I have, it's one of those things that makes you so loveable. It's one of the little things an SO notices." "Like how you use the 'I love you' sign to say hello?" "Well, yeah, I guess I never really think about it, I started doing that years ago." "I think it's cute." "I think you're cute." "Really," Yuri intoned slyly, and followed up with a kiss. "Really," Zoner replied gently after the kiss, and kissed her again. "I thought you were leaving," Yuri said with a grin. "I'm not in any hurry," Zoner whispered, pulling her down. The Beginning of the End-------------------------------ELEVEN "Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future." --Steve Miller TUESDAY 24 DECEMBER 1991 A couple of months passed without a tremendous amount of strangeness. John Coyle hadn't been heard of since the Wedgewar, missing corpse or not. They had seen no Boomers, no attack choppers, no hideous monsters. The Wedge was safe, Ben had passed Scheme and Calc 2, the subtitled release of Flight 005 was out, and everything was going along just plain incredibly well. As far as Kei and Yuri went, well...thanks to a little, no, make that a lot of judicious hacking, the WPI academic computers now recognized "Kei Morgan" and "Yuri Daniels" as registered students of Worcester Polytechnic Institute. The fact that they were taking no classes was quite beside the point. Of course, being registered as students meant they could now have their own accounts on the local computer system. Kei was now deadshot@wpi.wpi.edu and Yuri was hazard@wpi.wpi.edu, a little joke between Zoner and herself. It had reached the point even where people in the Wedge never noticed them anymore. The Dirty Pair were as much a part of Wedge life as being asked not to lean on the window. They even had Gamma Delta Iota shirts and were now full members of that sister sorority to Rho Alpha Tau. Of course, Ben couldn't resist teaching Kei everything he knew about the computer systems; she had thus been inducted in early November as GGF-1, Meta Chi, Member G.L.O.G., Disruptive Influence, Enemy of the State, et al. Of course, during this time the Zone was teaching Yuri as much as he could about the local systems and the networks. Naturally, Yuri, being incredibly competent with computers, quickly became more skilled than her teacher, although the lack of cyberlink capability frustrated her somewhat. However, Zoner still was the better driver, as the drive to Ten Minute Walk had demonstrated. Since they had no classes both of the pair spent a good deal of time each day playing around on the system. Kei MUDded a great deal, quickly putting Guyblood to shame and nuking him a couple of times, just to prove a point. Ben, being ardently anti-MUD, found this incredibly depressing. Yuri spent most of her time hacking on the Internet, trying to get into NORAD. She had a great deal of interest in the military technology of her new reality. (She was in for a disappointment.) One big change was in the Daytona from Hell. After Zoner returned from break, ReRob offered to finish his repair job on the Daytona from Hell and no one had seen it for a couple of weeks. He apparently had used machines supplied by itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy, lifted from Back to the Future using the video input capability of the DECstation, as well as some stuff he got from consulting with Ben and formatting some ftp'd text from the latter's hard drive. In other words, it was now the Flying Daytona from Hell, which suited Zoner just fine, as he had finally gotten his private pilot rating after being in training on and off for over four years. Of course, the Daytona wasn't an FAA approved craft. That was no problem; Rob had also incorporated Minovski technology from Mobile Suit Gundam which made the Daytona undetectable on radar. The Wedge was not what it had been, either; Zoner's earlier comment about resonating the DAKA sludge into a feasible, Protoculture-style power source had actually panned out. Something in the wreckage was generating the precise resonance rate needed to harness the mess as a power source of incredible potential. (wub wub wub) The Wedge Rats wasted no time in laying in lines and control systems; with that as a power supply, the somehow repaired shield generator would finally function at peak efficiency, freed of its dependence on the Worcester power grid. Zoner normally went home for winter break, but since he had lost his regular job he found one working as a sales clerk at the Auburn Mall, so he stayed in the area. Besides, it would be hard to explain Yuri to his parents. He did visit his family a couple of times; luckily, he could fly over the drifts which had kept the Worcester area snowed in for the season. Weird weather, that. Of course he couldn't go home for Christmas, and his birthday which was the day after, as Christmas Eve and the day after were busy days at the mall. Ben sat in the Wedge booth of his choice, feet up, Drano in hand, Kei tucked under an arm as he was tucked under one of hers, mulling over the latest issue of Guitar World and generally reflecting on how overpoweringly cool life was. He was also marveling at how the snowdrifts were covering the street outside. Drive home for Christmas in this? Yeah, right. He had gotten a ride from Zoner once or twice to see his folks, but as far