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Our Story So Far: Maxwell Smart has been assigned as the Control agent on
the World Crime League case. Princess Leia, and the rest of the leaders of
the Rebel Alliance are headed for Earth, although Karth Gator has no proof,
he senses the disturbances in the Force that tell him that Luke is in his
future. Zarkov, Dale, and Flash meet up with Harry the Bigfoot, but are then
captured by Ming's men. Riker, Geordi, Worf, and Data are examining the
Guardian of Forever, when Guinan (placed on the planet by Q) jumps through
in an attempt to put the universe right again. Meanwhile, in 1966, Kirk, Spock,
McCoy, Chekov, and Scotty are examining the area around White Sands, NM.
Buckarro Banzai arrives at Network 23 and picks up the World Crime League
tape, and the Battlestar Galactica crew has finally installed Slartibartfast's
Bistromathic Drive, but go veering out of control when they try and use it.
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The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 31. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building. The Doctor, Romana, Leela,
and Adric come walking down the front steps.]
DOCTOR: Well, that was helpful.
ROMANA: But Doctor, he didn't even believe us. He just spent
his time ogling Leela.
LEELA: I do whis you had let me slit his throat, Doctor.
DOCTOR: There, there, Leela, perhaps later we can blow something
up for you.
LEELA: Oh, thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: As for your comments, Romana, I was being sarcastic. I can't
believe that after all the time you spent with that Letterman
chap, he couldn't teach you a thing about humor.
ROMANA: Well, the Brigadier was a dead end wasn't he?
DOCTOR: Yes and no.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: Yes, that fellow was a dead end, but no, he wasn't the
Brigadier.
ROMANA: How can you be sure?
DOCTOR: Well, in the first place, the Brigadier I knew was a
gentleman and would never have 'ogled', as you say,
Leela the way this man did, and secondly, the Brigadier
was a good 80 pounds lighter the last time saw him, which
was less than a month ago local time. All in all, I'd say
we have a mystery on our hands.
[With that, he opens the door to his TARDIS and walks in, followed by
the Companions.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Room. Red lights are
flashing and a loud siren is wailing. As the Doctor and his Companions
enter they immediately cover their ears and squint. The Doctor rushes
over to a control panel and switches off the alarm. He whirls on K-9.]
DOCTOR: K-9!
K-9: (unruffled) Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Why didn't you shut off the alarm?!
K-9: I couldn't reach it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: You could have used your remote.
K-9: I was running the camera with it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: The camera wasn't even on us. Oh never mind, what set
that blasted thing off anyway?
ROMANA: Over here, Doctor.
[The Doctor rushes over and is dumbfounded by what he sees.]
ADRIC: What is it?
ROMANA: Someone is time-travelling in the vicinity.
ADRIC: But, that's impossible isn't it?
ROMANA: Yes.
DOCTOR: Come on, we're going.
LEELA: Where?
DOCTOR: White Sands, New Mexico.
[He begins to move controls on the TARDIS panel.]
[Scene Change. Exterior of TARDIS. The TARDIS fades out of existence.]
[Scene 32. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. Kirk, Spock, McCoy,
Chekov, and Scotty stand clustered together. In the distance, a small
crowd of technicians can be seen surrounding a few fancs near a makeshift
runway.]
SPOCK: Captain, over there, an expiremental aircraft, piloted
by a Steve Austin, will crash land. The pilot will
survive but lose the use of both of his legs, his
right arm, and his left eye.
KIRK: So we have to prevent this?
SPOCK: No, a government agency known only as the OSS, led by
Oscar Goldman, will rebuild him, replacing his useless
parts with bionic replacements vastly superior to his
own human parts. He will then become a top agent for
the OSS and OSS will grow and eventually become a
cornerstone of Starfleet.
KIRK: Well, everything seems all right now.
CHEKOV: Keptin, look.
[Everyone, including the camera, turns to look where Chekov is pointing.
A jet plane can be seen in the distance. It is angling in for a landing.]
SPOCK: That is the plane we are waiting for, Captain.
[As Spock speaks, about a hundred yards from the plane, a figure appears
out of nowhere and begins to plummet to the Earth. A moment later, a beam
of light streaks out of the same exact nowhere and hits the plane. The right
wing bursts into flames. Kirk flips open his communicator.]
KIRK: Transporter Room, come in.
KYLE: (over communicator) Kyle Here.
KIRK: Approximately one hundred yards to the right of the crashing
plane, somebody is falling. Beam them up!
KIRK: (over communicator) Aye sir.
[The figure continues to fall, and then is caught in the transporter effect
and disappears.]
SPOCK: Captain, the pilot will not survive this crash.
KIRK: Spock, didn't you just say that he would.
SPOCK: Yes, but he was not supposed to crash from that height.
KIRK: Kyle! Beam up the pilot from that jet!
KYLE: (over communicator) But I thought... Aye sir.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Cockpit of the expiremental craft. Steve
Austin is doing his best not to choke to death on the smoke filling the
cabin. Suddenly, the glittering transporter effect covers him and he
disappears.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Medium view of the plane as it moves in for
a landing. On impact with the ground, it explodes.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Kirk, et al.]
KIRK: Enterprise! Five to beam up. (to Spock) I'm going to get
to the bottom of this. (to Communicator) Energize!
[Scene 33. Interior Shot. An office inside the UN building. The floor is
carpetted with a plush-green do-jobby. As for furniture, a large, oak
desk dominates the room. A high-backed, black, swivel, office chair is
behind the desk. Two other, rather bland chairs are in front of the desk.
A bookcase takes up most of one wall and behind the desk, a wall of windows
looks out onto the park. Sitting at the desk, a rather portly gentleman,
dressed in a uniform identifying him as a Brigadier General in His Majesty's
Army of Britain, and a well decorated one at that, is ignoring the paperwork
on his desk and twiddling his thumbs. On the bookcase, a volume titled,
_A_Passage_to_India_ tilts forward, and a secret panel comprising of that
section of the wall, gently swings open. Lex Luthor emerges from behind
the secret door.]
LEX: Otis! You Idiot! [He takes off the general's hat and hits
him with it.]
OTIS: Hey Boss, you remind me of Skipper when you do that.
LEX: You buffoon, you've come damn close to ruining everything.
OTIS: How? I did what you told me to. I stalled them, and gave,
them the brushoff saying...[He frowns in concentration.]
"I'm sorry, but our forces are currently engaged in other
investigations which won't be completed for at least another
three months." [He smiles in satisfaction at having remembered
the whole sentence, especially the big words.]
LEX: Oh, Otis, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of
intelligence.
[Scene Change. Close-up of the Evil One from Time Bandits.]
EVIL ONE: Hey! That's my line! [He lets loose a bolt of lightning
from his fingertips.] Drat! Missed!
[Scene Change. Back to the UN office. Lex seems unaware that a lightning
bolt was just thrown at him.]
LEX: What was I saying?
OTIS: Something about me being free of something or other.
LEX: No, before that.
OTIS: Oh, you called me a buffoon and then [concentrates, straing
the very limits of his memory.] You said something about
me almost ruining everything. [He smiles again.]
LEX: Right. And wipe that smile off your face! Now, you're here
for one reason, and one reason only...
OTIS: Wait, wait! It's to keep people from realising that the
Brigadier is missing until it's too late.
LEX: Very good, Otis, and you nearly blew it! It's obvious that
those people were freinds of the REAL Brigadier. I just
hope you haven't screwed anything up. Miss Tessmarket!
MISS T: [running in from secret door.] Yes, Lex.
LEX: Take care of this paperwork.
MISS T: Ok Lex. [She scoops up some papers and exits by the secret
door.]
LEX: And you try not to screw up again.
OTIS: Okay, Mr. Luthor, you can count on me.
[Luthor stalks back into the secret passage. Otis returns to twiddling his
thumbs. Fade to black.]
[Scene 34. Exterior shot. The screen fills with white light as Sam Beckett
makes another leap. As he recovers, he looks around to find he's in the
middle of the desert, surrounded by technicians and military personnel.
He looks rather out of place in a grey business suit. Before he can truly
get his bearings, a plane behind him that is crash landing, explodes. He
turns and rushes toward it, but is sent away by rescure fireman who are
already spraying out the flames. He walks off, but not before he checks
his reflection. We see that he is Oscar Goldman. As he walks off, Al
appears beside him.]
AL: Something's wrong here, Sam. You don't look like an Indian.
SAM: I'm aware of that Al, Where am I?
AL: White Sands, New Mexico, May 15, 1965. [He points off to
the distance.] 100 miles and 30 years that way is Project
Quantum Leap.
SAM: Big deal, who am I?
AL: Well, we're not sure, Ziggy says you're supposed to be an
Indian on a reservation, but you're obviously not that.
SAM: Well, what's the guy in the waiting room say?
AL: Well, he says that he's Oscar Goldman, chairman of OSS, but
that can't be right.
SAM: Why not?
AL: Sam! Don't you remember? OSS isn't real. It's a fictional
organization from that show, ummmmm, the Six Million Dollar
Man.
SAM: No, I don't.
AL: Well, trust me, you can't be him. I'll be back as soon as we
figure out what's going on.
[He steps back into his portal and disappears. Sam looks up and notices the
chauffer holding a door open and beckoning to him.]
CHAUFFER: Where to, Mr. Goldman.
SAM: [Half in, half out of the door.] Uh, home.
CHAUFFER: Right. [He closes the door, gets in the front seat, and
drives off.]
[Scene 35. Interior Shot? The picture is rather blurry and moves around
quite a bit. As the view clears, it molds itself into an extreme close-up
of Harry's face. Then the camera jerks back.]
[Camera angle change. Interior Shot. A drab, gray cell. Flash Gordon,
Dale Arden, Dr. Zarkov, and Harry are here. Flash is chained to the wall,
suspended from manacles by his wrists. The others are standing on their
feet, but manacles dangle from their wrists as well. We see that Harry
is staring into Flash's face, and Flash pulls his head back and hits it on
the wall.]
DALE: Flash! Are you all right?
FLASH: Yeah. Where are we?
ZARKOV: I don't know, Ming's men found us, knocked us out, and the
next thing I knew, I woke up here.
FLASH: Well, how'd you get down of the wall?
DALE: Harry did it. Pulled the chains right out.
FLASH: Well, uh [He motions his head at his own chains.]
ZARKOV: Oh, yes, Harry, let Flash down off the wall.
[Harry reaches up and pulls Flash's chains right out of the wall. Flash
drops to the ground.]
FLASH: Now, I think we should get out of here. [He goes to the
door of the cell] Locked! I'm going to try and force it
open. [He starts slamming his shoulder against the door to
no avail. Harry gets interested and moves closer to watch.]
(to Harry) Don't just stand there, help me you big ape!
[Harry looks puzzled, shrugs, throws his weight against the
door. Harry and the door fly out into the hallway.] Let's go!
[They all rush into the hall.]
ZARKOV: This looks like one of Ming's ships.
FLASH: It looks like War Rocket Ajax, C'mon, the sky cylces are
this way. [He heads down a corridor and past another cell
door.]
[The camera lingers on the door and moves toward the window. As it gets closer
and goes through the window, we see that Harry is being held, cowering,
behind an energy barrier of some kind. The camera lingers on Harry's face for
just the right amount of time to bring a tear to every eye watching.]
[Scene 36. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Riker, Data, and
LaForge are preparing to enter the Guardian to retrieve Guinan from the past.]
RIKER: I'm sorry, Lieutenant Worf, but this is a covert mission.
The appearance of a member of a previously unknown alien
race would prevent us from blending in.
WORF: Captain Kirk always used to let Spock go with him.
RIKER: Spock didn't have a cranial ridge. [Taps his communicator.]
Riker to Enterprise.
PICARD: (over Communicator) Go ahead, Number One.
RIKER: We are now ready to enter the Guardian of Forever.
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever....
WORF: Oh, shut up!
PICARD: (over Communicator) Riker, are you sure you want to do this.
RIKER: [Smiles.] Yes sir, [looks at Data and Geordi] We're ready.
PICARD: (over Communicator) OK, Number One, be careful.
TROI: (over Communicator) Good luck, Will.
[Riker, Data, and LaForge line up parallel to the Guardian. Data is watching
his Tri-Corder. Worf goes and sits on a rock and sulks.]
DATA: Now!
[They run together and jump into the circle, and disappear.]
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. Many such journeys are possible.
[Suddenly, something clicks in Worf's mind. He gets up, brushes himself off
and stares at the Guardian. With great speed, he runs toward it.]
WORF: Banzai!
[He jumps through the Guardian and disappears.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 37. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's office at OSS Research Headquarters.
It's a rather ordinary office, desk, plant, window, chair, the usual. Sam
Beckett is here, pacing the floor. Al appears.]
SAM: Al! Where have you been? It's three hours into the leap and
and I'm still not even sure who I am?
AL: Sam. You aren't going to like this. You better sit down.
SAM: [Sits down.] Ok, Al, Who am I?
AL: [Walks over to stand in the middle of the desk. Only his torso
and head can be seen now.] You are Oscar Goldman, chairman of
OSS.
SAM: But, Al, just three hours ago, you told me that was impossible.
AL: Well, Ziggy says you are caught in a multiple solipsismal
envelope doo-hickey. A lot of pseudo-scientific jargon has
been spewing out of her terminal for over an hour! Anyway,
Ziggy says there's an 88.4% chance that you have to help this
Doctor guy fix this mess.
SAM: What mess, and is it absolutely necessary for you to stand in
the middle of the desk like that?
AL: Yes.
SAM: Why?
AL: To falsely increase the special effects budget.
SAM: [Heavy sigh.] What mess?
AL: Huh? Oh, yeah, you see, what seems to have happened is that
for some reason, certain works of science fiction have suddenly
become part of actual history.
SAM: Why?
AL: We're working on that, but the most consistent criteria seems
to be humorous effect.
SAM: Huh?
AL: Like that exchange we had a couple of minutes ago about me
standing in the desk. Normally we wouldn't even mention it,
but today, we had a silly arguement that didn't even make
sense.
SAM: That was humor?
AL: I didn't say it was good humor. [Al looks up to see a Good
Humor Ice Cream Truck floating by the window. He shakes his
head.] Anyway, all these different fictional universes are
getting all jumbled together and this Doctor person, whoever
he is, is going to need your help fixing it.
SAM: Doctor who though?
AL: That's what we keep asking Ziggy.
SAM: And what does he say?
AL: 'Exactly.'
SAM: Dr Exactly?
AL: No, no, Dr. Who.
SAM: That was my question.
AL: Exactly.
SAM: So I have to find Dr. Exactly.
AL: No, no, Sam cut it out!
SAM: Cut what out?
AL: You were falling into an old Abbott & Costello routine.
SAM: [Smiles.] I was, wasn't I?
AL: Yes, and it was sickening. You have to be careful of that sort
of thing. Indications are you are in a huge parody, and you
have to set things right, from the inside. This is going to
be one tough leap.
SAM: You said it. See what you can dig up about this Doctor guy.
AL: Ok, but it'll be slow going.
SAM: How so?
AL: About fifteen minutes ago, this weird guy in a bathrobe walked
in the door. He slapped Gooshie's pet fly, Agrajag, and asked
for a spot of tea.
SAM: Then what happened?
AL: He left! But Ziggy's going nuts trying to figure out why anyone
would want to drink dried leaves seeped in hot water. [He pushes
some buttons on his control and steps into the portal.] Bye
Sam.
SAM: Bye, Al. [He hangs his head.]
[Scene 38. Interior Shot. A mechanic's garage. The camera pans slowly around
the room taking in every little detail. It passes over tool kits, socket
wrenches, battery chargers, etc.... Outside the window, a yellow pickup
with purple lettering identifies the place as 'Biff's Automotive Detailing'
shop. As the camera passes a radio, a burly hand turns it on an oldies
station. The camera passes over a calendar featuring scantily clad women
holding power tools. It passes by, then quickly goes back to linger a
moment longer. Finally, we see a car, but not all at once. First we see the
same hand polishing the fender, it moves up the length of the car to the
door handle and opens the door. The view switches quickly here, rather than
panning around. The car door closes, the head light switch is pulled on,
it is pushed off again, the windshield wiper knob is turned, the wipers
go back and forth, the figure seated in the driver's seat holds up a key.]
[Close up of the key. Sunlight reflects off the jagged surface.]
[Close up of the ignition as the key is inserted. The key is turned and
the engine roars to life. Every dial immediately goes to its maximum
reading. The garage door opens, and Spin drives the car out of the
garage.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside Biff's Automotive Detailing. The garage
door is open and a 1977 Plymouth Volare Station Wagon (guess what kind of
car the author drives) is pulling out of the garage.]
SPIN: Hey Marty! Check it out!
MARTY: (pretending to be impressed) Hey Spin! Where'd you get this?
SPIN: I built it out of some wreckage I found by the railroad tracks.
MARTY: Hm.
SPIN: It took me weeks to get it together, the only thing is I
can't get the radio to work.
MARTY: Well, let me take a look at it.
SPIN: Ok.
[Marty walks around the car as Spin pulls his head in the window. Close up of
Marty's face as he walks to the passenger side, gets in the car, and bends to
look at the radio. His mood is cheerful throughout until he sees the radio,
when he stops mid-whistle and his expression becomes one of shock. The camera
angle changes to show the keypad from the DeLorean Time Machine. Marty quickly
looks around for the flux capacitor but doesn't see it.]
MARTY: Uh, Spin, I need to, uh, check the wiring under the hood.
SPIN: Sure, then I can show you the funky carbuerator it has.
[He pops the hood and the both get out.]
[Marty and Spin walk to the front of the car, as Kip props open the hood,
On the distributor cap is the flux capacitor, and it's fluxing. Mounted right
next to it is Mr. Fusion.]
MARTY: Spin! Where did you say you got these parts?
SPIN: Near the railroad tracks, by Eastwood ravine.
MARTY: Great Scott! [He gropes back to a wall and collapses to the
ground.]
SPIN: [Rushes over.] Marty, what is it?
MARTY: You built Doc's time machine, into a Volare?!
SPIN: Whoa! That's heavy.
[Scene 39. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's Apartment. Sam is making a pot of
tea. He reaches over to the pot and burns his hand over the steam.]
SAM: Ow! That hurt!
[A swoop noise is heard.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: Maybe I can help?
SAM: Who are you?
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: I'm Middle-Aged Man! Aaaaah!
[Scene Change. Middle-Aged Man running down a suburban street.]
CHORUS: Middle-Aged Maaaan!
Middle-Aged Maaaan!
With Powers and Knowledge that are far beyond
younger man,
Middle-Aged Maaaan!
Caught between forty and fifty-five
Accruing more interest, but losing his sex drive.
Developing skills and a gut.
Middle-Aged Maaaan!
[Scene Change. Original Scene 39.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: I can help with that burn. Hey! What are you looking at? You're
looking at my gut aren't you? [Sam begins to protest.] Well,
I'm working on it! Now, just run that hand under cold water
and wrap it in a wet towel. You'll be all right.
SAM: Uh, thank you. Are you a Doctor?
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: No, just a regular guy with lots of common sense.
[Sam runs his hand under the sink.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: Well, I have to go now. [He swoops out.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 40. Interior Shot. A large convention hall. Along three walls, tables
piled with Star Trek and other science fiction memorabilia abound. Crowds upon
crowds of people mill about looking at various exhibits. Some of them are
wearing Starfleet uniforms, both old & new. Some have Vulcan ears on. Most of
them are babbling excitedly. One is pointedly dressed as Worf in traditional
Klingon Battle Armor. On closer examination, we see that it is Worf in
traditional Klingon Battle Armor. He walks around sneering, and attracting
quite a crowd. Little kids gather at his feet, asking him to say "Good Tea,
Nice House." He walks up to a refreshment counter.]
REFRESHMENT
DEALER: Hey! Gret costume friend! What can I get you?
WORF: Do you have any prune juice?
[The crowd around him goes wild. Yells of 'Oh Man' and 'That's Perfect' can
be herd. Worf looks around and sneers. The dealer pulls out a glass of prune
juice and hands it to Worf. Worf downs it in one gulp and walks off.]
--
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to lightnin@sidehack.gweep.net
-----
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