---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our Story So Far: Steve Austin, aboard the Starship Enterprise (1701-A) is told that he was supposed to have crashed, and nearly died in his test flight. Instead, he was saved from certain death by the quick thoughts of Captain Kirk, and the quick actions of Commander Kyle. Also, Guinan, having just emerged from the Guardian of Forever to discover that she accidentally caused the errors in the flow of time that she wanted to prevent, is in a state of catatonic shock. Chekov calls down to inform the captain that two ships have suddenly appeared in the system, and are headed towards Earth. Marty McFly decides that if Spin really has managed to rebuild a working time machine from the parts at the train wreck, that they should contact Doc in 1885. As they drive off into the distance, the special effects inform us that it worked. In the distant future of 2691, Rufus is bummed out. It seems that all of the time distortions being caused in the past have turned the bright, hopeful future spawned by Bill and Ted into a wasteland of corruption and deceit. Rufus is now a member of a resistance force, and he is going back in time to enlist the aid of Bill and Ted to put the future back on the correct course. Luke and Company land in the desert near White Sands, New Mexico. As they are preparing to start out for the nearest city, Flash Gordon and his friends crash into the sand on a jet cycle (skewering Wedge in the process). The two groups join forces and head out for the nearest city. Sam and Al are in dire straits. They still have no idea why they are where they are, or even what they are really doing. Meanwhile, Riker, Data, and Geordi have discovered a bit of wreckage with what looks like Phaser burn on it. Almost a mile and a half above them, in standard orbit, Sub-commander Tanalak, and Commander Sateen of the Romulan Empire are puzzling with their own problems. They're dilithium crystals have been drained from the time warp that they followed the Enterprise crew into, and they are looking for a way to handle their current situation. Just then, the Star Wars Empire's attack force enters the system, and the Romulands head out to rendezvous with them. The GI Joe task force is being briefed on their new enemy "The World Crime League" when they rush out to meet the 'attack' of Buckaroo Banzai and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Buckaroo manages to hold off the hostilities and begin a dialogue with General Hawk. Agent 86, 99 and Hymie enter the secret Control labs, located in the floor of a moving van, and speak to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, who reveals that he has determined the identity of "Deep Voice." It is Grover. After Smart leaves, we see that Honeydew is really working for KAOS. The Doctor and his companions have misjumped and arrived on Squornshellous Zeta. The Doctor will not believe this, until he sees Marvin approaching the TARDIS, at which point he panics and madly sets coordinates to bring them back to Earth. After the TARDIS leaves, Marvin gets his artificial leg stuck in the mud. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) [Scene 51. Exterior Shot. New Mexico Desert. Luke, C3-PO, R2-D2, Leia, Solo, Chewbacca, Lando, Zarkov, Flash, Dale, and Harry are walking through the night. Luke, looks slightly despondent and hangs back. Leia slows down to talk to him.] LEIA: Luke, what's wrong? LUKE: Oh, nothing. LEIA: Don't give me that, you haven't been the same since Wedge died. LUKE: Which time? [He smiles, slightly] LEIA: [pokes him in the arm.] For the last time, what is wrong with you? LUKE: Does it ever bother you that every member of our family who ever became a Jedi succumbed to the Dark Side? LEIA: Well, you haven't. [She crosses her arms on her chest.] LUKE: Maybe. LEIA: What do you mean by that? LUKE: Think of it. who killed all those Dark Knights? LEIA: Well, you did, but that doesn't make you evil. LUKE: Killing is wrong. LEIA: But they were evil, the deserved it. Besides, they all forgave you. LUKE: Another thing! How have I continued my training? LEIA: Your spirit advisors. LUKE: Who are all dead! It's the dark side of the force that deals with death! The force is about life! LEIA: Luke, you aren't evil. [She puts a hand on his arm.] You just live in odd times. [A pause] We all do. [They walk ahead and pass R2-D2 and C3-PO. R2 veers off as they pass.] C3-PO: R2-D2, where are you going? R2-D2: *whistle* *twink* *bleep* C3-PO: I don't care what you've detected. We're going this way. [He points in the direction the others have gone.] R2-D2: *bleep* *bloop* *whirrrrr* C3-PO: Oh, all right, I'm coming. [They walk off along a path perpendicular to the rest. Suddenly, R2-D2 stops and C3-PO nearly trips over him.] C3-PO: What is it now? R2-D2: *beep* *whirrrrrr* *twinkle* C3-PO: Oh, OK, I'll look. [C3-PO bends down to look closely at the ground.] [Scene Change. Giant sand dune. A plastic green dune buggy drives up.] SISTER: Are we there yet, Papa Doodlebug? [The car comes to a stop.] PAPA: Yes, we are, Sister Doodlebug. SIS & BRO: Hurray! [Sister and Brother Doodlebug jump out and run off camera. Papa & Mamma Doodlebug get out of the car, set up a beach umbrella, and lay on towels.] PAPA: It sure is a fine day to be at the beach, Mamma Doodlebug. MAMMA: Yes, it is, Papa Doodlebug. [Suddenly, the child doodlebugs rush back into the scene.] BRO & SIS: We can't find the water! PAPA: Are you sure? BROTHER: We looked everywhere. MAMMA: Maybe we should all look? PAPA: Good idea, Mamma Doodlebug. [They all stand up.] PAPA: Let's look this way. [All of them walk off in the indicated direction.] MAMMA: Let's try this way. [All of them move in a new direction.] SISTER: This isn't working at all. BROTHER: Maybe we should split up and look for the water. PAPA: That is a good idea, Brother Doodlebug. [They split up and walk off in different directions. The camera zooms away and shows C3-PO standing up.] C3-PO: What was that all about? R2-D2: *beep* *twinkle* *whirrrrrrrr* C3-PO: Filler! What do you mean filler? Filler until what? SHREDDER: Until I show up! Blast 'Em! [Rock Steady and Be-Bop fire energy weapons at C3-PO and R2-D2, knocking them unconscious. Then they drag both droids into the terrordrome.] [Scene 52. Interior Shot. A Star Trek convention. A very large (around the waist) man, dressed in a red TNG uniform, commander's rank, is walking around. He spots worf strutting his stuff. He waves his arm and calls out.] MAN: Pete! Pete! [Worf, unaware that anyone is calling him, continues on. The man walks up to him.] MAN: Pete, didn't you hear me? [Worf regards him with a sneer.] You really do get into character don't you. C'mon, there's been a rewrite, your lines have all been changed. [The Man leads Worf through a door guarded by someone wearing Vulcan ears.] GUARD: (addressing the man) Hi, Kevin. KEVIN: Hi, Jim. [Worf and Kevin pass through the door. Inside, all is chaos. A man dressed as Counselor Troi walks up. He has two overstuffed balloons inside the dress and a wig on his head.] FALSE TROI: Pete! Great costume! Here, here's the rewrite. [He hands Worf some mimeographed pages. Worf sneers at them.] KEVIN: You go sit over there, I'll help them get ready. [Worf goes and sits down on an old crate. After a minute, he begins reading the script. A few seconds later, he laughs out loud.] [Fade to black.] [Scene 53. Exterior Shot. A dramatic, wind-swept, desert plain. The wind blows dramatically, blowing sand around in a dramatic way. In the distant, a majestic, yet dramatically placed mountain range can be seen, and the smoke from various campfires (now being built because we are viewing a dramatic sunset) can be seen rising in the distance. The camera pans around and we see a dust-trail (dramatic, but not caused by the wind). Following the trail, a large, overly-muscular, and very dramatic man is seen riding a horse at a fast pace. Dramatically. Three men come out of a conveniently, yet dramatically, placed copse of trees. They draw swords and look menacingly at our dramatic hero.] EVIL GUY #1: Conan! [Conan pulls his horse to a stop. It rears up slightly as it does so.] EVIL GUY #1: We would speak with you. [Conan slowly draws his sword, preparing for the dramatic battle he knows is to come.] EVIL GUY #1: Get him! [All three evil guys charge Conan. He charges back, and slashes one of them to the ground, while deftly dodging two swings from oponents. The third (Evil Guy #1) hits him with the pommel of his sword, knocking Conan of horseback. Evil Guys #1 and #2 turn their horses around and make ready for another charge. Conan holds his sword in a dramatic pose over his head. The two Evil Guys on horseback charge, and Conan manages to slash one of his sword, while knocking the other off on the back swing. Now two Evil guys are lying on the ground, and one more stands ready to fight. Conan and Evil Guy #1 battle back and forth for a while, just as Conan manages to knock Evil Guy #1 down, one of the other two guys attack him from behind, distracting him from the final kill. Finally, all three have mortal slash wounds to the chest. Conan stands over them, chest heaving dramatically from exertion. Then he hears a voice.] BIG, EVIL GUY: Conan! [Conan turns to see a very big man riding a huge black horse standing near the copse of trees that the original men came out of. He charges on his horse, missing Conan (he ducks) and turning around for another go. Conan waves his sword around dramatically, holds it over his head in that one-handed-I'm-gonna-throw-this-big-ass-heavy-sword-that-has-no-aerodynamic- -properties-at-all-and-I'm-gonna-hit-what-I-aim-at-cos-I'm-Conan-so-there pose. The tableau freezes for about thirty seconds, while the background orchestra plays a dramatic chord. Then, Conan throws the sword.] [Scene 54. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. Yet another portion of this god-forsaken desert that nobody has arrived at. For a government jet testing site, this place sure gets a lot of traffic doesn't it. A whirring noise is heard and a blue police box fades into existence. The door opens and the Doctor pokes his head out to have a look around. He brings his head back in and closes the door. Pause. The door opens again and Romana has a look around this time. She closes the dooor. Pause. The door opens a third time and K-9 comes out and makes one pass around the TARDIS without discovering anything at all. He speaks.] K-9: The coast is clear, Doctor. DOCTOR: [from within] Are you sure? K-9: There is nothing registering on my sensors for quite some distance. I do not believe that that robot is in the vicinity. DOCTOR: Well, if you're sure, I'll come out. [The Doctor pokes his head out the door and finally steps out. He walks 360 degrees around the TARDIS, looking out in every direction, then he turns and walks in the other direction looking out into the distance. Finally, he calls into the TARDIS.] DOCTOR: Ok, every thing seems to be clear out here. [Leela, Adric, and Romana step out of the TARDIS.] ROMANA: You have your key, Doctor? [The Doctor fumbles around in his long jacket for a bit, and pulls out a large key shaped device. He holds it up.] ROMANA: [Nods.] Good. [She closes the door to the TARDIS.] LEELA: No, what do we do, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, since that dreadful Marvin doesn't appear to be about, I suppose we could settle down to doing what it is we were setting about to do in the first place. ADRIC: And what was that? DOCTOR: I'm not quite sure, really. However, all the time travel in the vicinity, surely warrants an investigation. K-9? K-9: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: Access the TARDIS computers. Where is the United States Jet Testing Range in relation to where we are? K-9: Approximately 3.56 miles to the northwest, Doctor. DOCTOR: Good, come along then. [They all head off for the testing range, and their appointment with Destiny. Fade to black.] [Scene 55. Interior Shot. The Command Deck of the new, improved Dreck Star. Various Imperial Officers walk around giving orders to Imperial Soldiers who are all wearing that goofy looking helmet. You know the one, it looks like a racing bikers helmet, but it's more symmetrical, and it's sideways, and it's a deep, glossy black. One General walks up to Karth Gator who is, of course, striking a dramatic pose.] GENERAL: Lord Gator, we have a small ship approaching us, about the size of three TIE-Fighters. GATOR: Is it a new rebel ship? GENERAL: Unknown, there is no beacon, and it is unlike any ships we have ever encountered before. GATOR: Show me. [Gator and the General walk over to one of the control consoles. The General taps the soldier manning the station on the shoulder and relieves him. Then, the General sits down and begins entering commands. Soon the viewscreen at the station shows an exterior shot of space with a Romulan Bird of Prey approaching.] GATOR: That is unusual. What else have you to report? GENERAL: Nothing, Lord... [He is interrupted by a beeping alarm at the station he is sitting at. He immediately turns and begins adjusting controls.] GATOR: What is it? GENERAL: The ship, it has started emitting energy waves of some kind. [Lord Gator leans over the General to look more closely at the ship.] GATOR: Could it be part of a defense force from the third planet? GENERAL: Impossible. Our advanced scouts reported that this planet was completely without a space fleet of any use. They haven't even reached their own moon yet. GATOR: Then what is that ship doing? [Center on Gator's face, then cut to... Interior Shot. Bridge of the Romulan War Bird. Commander Sateen and Sub-Commander Tanalak are at their usual stations. The Sub-Commander rises from his chair and stalks over to the communications station.] TANALAK: What is taking so long? COMM. OFFICER: I don't know sir. We've been broadcasting on sub-space signals since we left Earth orbit, but they still haven't responded. Perhaps there is a problem with their communication equipment. TANALAK: There's forty ships in that fleet! Are you trying to tell me that every receiver on every one of those ships is broken!? COMM. OFFICER: It was just a theory. Still, they haven't responded yet. SATEEN: The Enterprise isn't going to let us try this forever. Eventually, Kirk will be on our tails, and then we're in real trouble. This has to work. TANALAK: We're broadcasting messages on all channels and still nothing. I think it's hopeless. [An alarm klaxon goes off] DECK OFFICER: The Enterprise is approaching, coming in range. SATEEN: It's too late. Come about, prepare for battle. [Tanalak returns to his seat, while officers rush around preparing for what will probably be the last battle of their lives.] DECK OFFICER: Commander! The engines are not responding. SATEEN: [Clicks on a communicator panel.] Engineer, what is happening down there! ENG. CMDR: I dinna ken, Commander! The engines, they're givin' it all they got, but something is pulling us in de other direction! SATEEN: Thank you, Engineer, Bridge out. TANALAK: What are we going to do? The Enterprise is on it's way. SATEEN: Nothing. We have already achieved what we want. The only force that could be pulling at us, has to be a tractor beam from the approaching fleet. We've made contact. The Enterprise isn't going to fight them for us. [Scene change to Bridge of the Dreck Star.] GATOR: Put them in Bay #4, I want to have a talk with them personally. GENERAL: [Standing once again] Yes, Lord Gator. [Karth turns and stalks out of the room.] [Scene 56. Interior Shot. The kitchen of a farmhouse. Outside the window over the washbasin, we can see that the house is in the middle of a prairie out in the midst of nowhere. Off to one side, if looked at from the proper angle out the window, can be seen a large barn, three railroad cars in length, with lightning rods, weather vanes, and other odd looking equipment stacked on the roof. Inside, two young boys sit at the kitchen table. One is reading from an oversized, leather-bound, book. The cover reads "De revolutionibus orbium caelestium -- Nicolaus Copernicus." The other is eating from what appears to be a bowl of corn flakes. The one eating the corn flakes is obviously the younger of the two. His feet do not reach the ground and he swings them about underneath the table. Sitting below this boy is a scruffy dog. Working at the kitchen counter is a black-haired woman in her late 30's/early 40's. She moves about the room, deftly stepping over the dog when he gets underfoot and putting plates on the table, getting things ready for breakfast. She walks by a picture frame that appears to have a newspaper in it. The camera stays on the frame, and suddenly the woman moves back into view. She gasps and grabs the picture off the wall.] CLARA: Jules! Verne! Come here! [The two boys get up from the table and run over.] JULES: What is it, Mother? CLARA: Boys, take this out to the barn. Your father will want to see it. BOTH BOYS: Yes, mother. [Jules grabs the picture frame and runs out the front door. Verne is right behind him.] CLARA: Great Scott! [Scene Change. Interior Shot. The interior of a large barn. Sitting in the middle of the barn is a Plymouth Volare. 'Doc' Emmett Brown is pacing around the car, studying it from every angle. Staying largely out of his way are Marty McFly and Spin Tannen. Suddenly, the front doors burst open and Jules and Verne come in.] BOYS: Papa! Look! DOC: Boys! Shut that door, that door must always remain closed! [Verne goes and carefully shuts the door.] DOC: Now, what's the problem? JULES: [out of breath] Mom said to bring this to you right away. [He hands Doc the newspaper in a frame.] DOC: This is heavy! Marty, come take a look at this. [As Marty rushes over to stand by the Doc, the camera focuses in on the newspaper. It's a copy of the Hill Valley Gazette, dated July 22, 1969. The Banner Headline across the top reads 'Final Apollo Rocket Scrapped!'*] {* Historical note: July 22, 1969 is a few days after the first moon landing. I include this information as a gratuity to my readers, as I spent several hours looking it up on the net myself.} MARTY: Great Scott! Doc, what does this mean? DOC: Marty! I don't know. I doubt that the simple recreation of my time machine could have caused all this. Unless, something you and Spin did already could have that wide an affect. MARTY: No, Doc, we came right here. I knew there'd be trouble with just driving it around. I thought you might know what to do. DOC: Well then, there's obviously something wrong with the space/time continuum. I keep this and other newspapers around to watchdog the future, in case anything like this should happen. SPIN: Well, what can we do? DOC: We can get in this contraption of yours and see if we can fix what once went wrong. [As he utters that line, the Doc pauses and looks off in the distance.] MARTY: Doc, what is it? DOC: I don't know, it just seems to me I've heard that line before. Well, never mind, we have to go. SPIN: Where are we going? [The Doc pauses as he is getting in the car....] DOC: Back to the Future! [He points off in some random direction, then gets in the car.] DOC: Get in! [Marty and Spin scramble to get in the car. Doc starts it up and rolls down the window.] DOC: Jules! Verne! Tell your mother I've gone to 1969, and I should be back before dinner! [With that, he rolls up the window and drives out the back of the barn. He accelerates off into the distance, and leaves a double streak of flames through the field.] [Scene 57. Interior Shot. The office of Oscar Goldman, chief of operations at OSS. Sam is sitting behind the desk, with a huge stack of papers on it. Al is pacing back and forth behind him.] AL: Sam, this isn't getting us anywhere. SAM: I know, but I have to go through these by hand until Ziggy manages to break into the computer. What's taking him so long anyway? AL: That, spot of tea thing, remember... SAM: Oh yeah, that. Anyway, these are the files of every MD and PhD who works for the government in any way. AL: Yes, but we're not even sure these are the people we're looking for. SAM: You have a better idea? AL: No. SAM: Good, now look over this one, Dr. Clayton Forrester... [There's a knock at the door.] SAM: Come in. [The door opens and a blonde bombshell of a secretary walks in. She sexily walks to the desk, sits on the edge, crosses her legs, tosses her hair back, and smiles at Sam. Al goes into convulsions.] SECRETARY: There's someone here to see you, sir, but he doesn't have an appointment. SAM: Well, who is it? SECRETARY: He says his name is Gary Seven, and he brought his secretary with him. AL: [punching buttons] Checking Sam..... SAM: um.... AL: Um, Ziggy says that he's a private investigator from New York. Specializes in touchy cases that involve espionage usually. OSS has worked with him a couple of times before. SAM: Send him in. SECRETARY: Ok. [She walks out of the room, Al begins to follow her lecherously, but Sam shoots him a look, and Al stays behind. A few moments later, Gary Seven and Roberta Lincoln walk in.] SAM: [Standing up.] Mr. Seven, have a seat. What can I do to help you? GARY: Mr. Goldman, there's a problem, and I don't know if you're aware of it, but you are definitely in the best position to help fix it. SAM: What's the problem? GARY: Roberta? [Roberta steps forward with a small cube. She places it on the desk and aligns it slightly. Then she presses the top of the cube, and steps back. The cube begins to glow a bright blue, the lights in the room dim, and a hologram is displayed into the middle of the room. Al, walks over to it amazed.] AL: Sam, there's no way anyone in this century has this kind of technology. We don't have it in our century. [Al walks through the projection and is defocused quite a bit. It looks like something is interfering with his pattern. Sam makes an abortive gesture, but stops when Al comes out looking fine, but looking around him in a perplexed way.] GARY: Mr. Goldman, I know you don't understand how I've generated this, but you'll have to trust me. [He walks over to the hologram.] This is the Kennedy Space Center at noon today. [The hologram shows what looks to be an Saturn V rocket being removed from it's platform and dismantled.] SAM: How... GARY: You're wondering how I got this picture. [He of course is wrong, Sam was wondering how something like the destruc- tion of the last Saturn V rocket could happen at this critical juncture of the nation's space program, but Gary couldn't possibly have that information. The real Oscar Goldman would have been wondering how Gary got the picture, so it's almost as good.] Let's just say that I have very good resources. SAM: [nods.] Ok. GARY: Good, the problem here is, that this isn't supposed to be what's happening. This country is supposed to be on the verge of it's greatest triumph in spaceflight history so far. Let me show you. [He nods at Roberta, who touches another face of the cube. The hologram changes to show a 3-d enhanced version of Neil Armstrong's first moon walk.] GARY: I made this tape myself, from files aboard a ship called the Enterprise. They intercepted me on my way here to start my mission. SAM: On your way here. Are they around? I'd like to talk to them. GARY: I'm sorry, Mr. Goldman. You misunderstand. My mission, which I have been carrying out for the past few years has been to monitor the people of Earth and keep them from destroying themselves too soon. SAM: Too soon. GARY: Well, not at all, hopefully, but especially not before they've had a chance to get out into the galaxy and meet the other races that are out there. SAM: You mean, you're from another planet? GARY: No, I'm from Earth. A long time ago I was taken from my home to another planet 1000's of light years from here. I was trained, and returned to safeguard the Earth from itself. AL: This guy's for real, Sam. I just checked and Ziggy finds conflicting reports about whether the moon landing even happened. He has found records that indicate that this did happen though. SAM: How could this happen? GARY: I'm not sure, Mr. Goldman. AL: Ziggy thinks it's another part of this paradox cross-streams multi-solipsism thing. [He's waving his arms about trying to describe it.] It's getting worse, and things are starting to really get messed up. There's one good thing. SAM: What's that? GARY: I said I wasn't sure. AL: Ziggy's stopped worrying about tea. SAM: *sighs* GARY: My information shows that the entire space program is being scrapped. There were no signs of this happening at all until a week ago. I traced the vectors through time that created this mishap and traced them to you. The question is, why haven't you had Steve Austin placed in the bionic man program? Why haven't you rebuilt him? SAM: But, Mr. Seven, Steve Austin died in a plane crash a week ago today. How could I have put him in the program? GARY: What?! This is impossible! Mr. Goldman, would it be all right with you if I inspected the crash site myself. AL: Let him, Sam, this may be the help we've been looking for. SAM: Yes, I can take you there myself right now. GARY: Ok, then, let's go. [Gary, Roberta, and Sam stand up and leave the office. Al, follows them out, walking through the door they close behind them.] [Scene 58. Interior Shot. The Flight Deck of the Liberator. Rog Blake is sitting in the central couch.] BLAKE: Zen, chart me a course through the vineyards, too Nantucket system. ZEN: Charting. There is an anomaly in the most direct route through that path, steer around? BLAKE: Is it dangerous? ZEN: It could be. BLAKE: Well, then, why aren't you steering around it automatically. ZEN: You may have wished to investigate that region. It may have been your intention. BLAKE: Enter that course then, we'll have a look at it. ZEN: Path charted. Rockets firing. BLAKE: Thank you, Zen. [He looks at the computer suspiciously.] [Blake stands up and walks over to Orac. He turns the machine on.] BLAKE: Orac? ORAC: What is it now? BLAKE: Have you any idea why Zen is being so helpful all of a sudden? ORAC: Simple, I reprogrammed him. I found his unhelpful, condescending manner irritating. BLAKE: Orac, you shouldn't have done that. ORAC: Why ever not? BLAKE: You might have damaged him. ORAC: I don't see how. I was extremely careful, and I did have my own patterns to draw on as an example. Was there anything else you wanted of me? BLAKE: No, I mean, yes. See what you can find out about this anomaly we're approaching, before we get there. ORAC: I'll get to work on it, as soon as possible. BLAKE: Thank you. [Blake walks back to the couch to study the starfield in the viewscreen.] [Scene 59. Interior Shot. The boardroom where the members of the World Crime League have their meetings. It is empty now, except for the mysterious leader, who still sits with his back to the camera, stroking a white ball ball of fur. There's still nothing on it to distinguish whether it is a cat or a hamster, or a rabbit. A black gloved hand reaches out and touches a button on the arm of his chair.] DEEP VOICE: What is all the commotion out there? VOICE OF SECRETARY: How did...? Um...It seems that some of your associates are a bit confused about what you want them to do? DEEP VOICE: Send them in. [The large double doors open and Krang, Lex Luthor, and Zigfried enter.] DEEP VOICE: [without turning around] What seems to be the problem gentlemen? ZIGFRIED: Well, first of all, why do you want Maxwell Smart to think that you're a muppet! LUTHOR: And I'm getting pretty tired of doing all of the UN's paperwork and not getting much else done. KRANG: And how long do you expect me to just keep watch over that deserted patch of desert in New Mexico! DEEP VOICE: All will become clear, gentleman. Mr. Luthor, while the visitor I was expecting to visit Mr. Lethbridge-Stewart has already come and gone, we must still keep the general on ice so that he cannot warn the Doctor. Zigfried, you know as well as I do that Agent Smart has a talent for stumbling onto the truth no matter what you do to hide it from him. I'm just going to make it a little easier for him, and allow him to follow the path to the truth that I have chosen for him. If he's lucky, he won't survive it. KRANG: But, what about me? You promised that I would be able to strike at those accursed turtles. DEEP VOICE: At this very moment, your turtle friends are joining forces with the enemies of your associates. The final confrontation will take place in that desert, I am giving you an advantage. Now, have you brought me the droids? KRANG: Just a moment. [Krang's robot beckons with his right arm. Be-Bop and Rock Steady move in escorting R2-D2 and C3-PO. C3-PO is visibly nervous.] DEEP VOICE: Hello, my friendly little droids. I have an old friend of yours waiting to meet you. Krang, leave them with me. Luthor get back to the UN and wait for further instructions. Zigfried, continue to carry out the orders I've set for you. Expect some reinforcements from Dr. Doom's personal army to be arriving within the week. [Krang, Luthor, and Zigfried exit closing the doors behind them. Deep Voice holds up a large remote control and points it at another wall. He presses a large glowing button, and it slides up, revealing Jabba the Hut sitting on a movable platform.] R2-D2: *beep* *whiirrrrr* *rattle* C3-PO: I know, I thought he'd died too. JABBA:* Hello again, it is good to have my favorite droids back again. I missed you. Ha ha ha ha! (*Author's Note: All of Jabba's dialogue is translated from the Hutese that he speaks.) C3-PO: What are you going to do to us? JABBA: Put you back to work of course. This time, that Jedi will not defeat me, and I will be assisting my friend in the greater glory of crime. Ha ha ha ha! [Fade to black.] [Scene 60. Interior Shot. A convention center. Everyone is gathered around a small stage, where Worf and several others are performing. The stage is set up to be a mock up of the bridge of the Next Generation Enterprise. "Captain Picard" is sitting in the command seat. "Deanna Troi" (played by a man with a beard in drag), is sitting next to him. "Data" and "Wesley" are at Con and Ops respectively. "Riker" strikes a dramatic pose near the center, and Worf (no quotes, this is the real McCoy (no not the doctor, the klingon)) is at the security station.] "PICARD": On screen, Mr. Data. "DATA": On screen now, sir. "RIKER": What the hell is that? "DATA": It would appear to be a structure of monolithic size, sir. Sensors read it as a cylindrical solid 1 kilometer in length and with a diameter of 300 meters. "PICARD": What is it's heading? "DATA": It appears to be on a course directly headed for Earth. WORF: We are being hailed, sir. Audio only. "PICARD": On speakers. [Worf presses the button on a tape recorder in front of him, which is hidden from most of the audience by his console. The tape recorder emits loud whale songs.] "TROI": Oh, the pain! "RIKER": What is it Deanna? Doy you sense some emotional conflict in these sounds that we mere humans cannot comprehend? "TROI": No, I have a killer hangover, and that noise is incredibly loud. And you can stop shouting now. "PICARD": Cancel speakers, Worf. [Worf turns off the tape recorder.] "DATA": Captain, the last recorded sighting of this object was 80 standard years ago, when it headed directly for Earth, and nearly destroyed it in the process. "PICARD": What happened? "DATA": According to Starfleet records, it was looking for humpback whales, which had been extinct for nearly two centuries. "PICARD": How was disaster averted? "DATA": Uncertain, sir. Some reports state that a Klingon Cruiser manned by a Federation Crew went back in time to bring some humpback whales to Earth of their present. Since then, there has been a small population of humpback whales in the San Francisco basin area that is slowly spreading out to the rest of the world. "PICARD": Thank you, but why would this probe be coming back now. "DATA": Unknown. "PICARD": Suggestions. "RIKER": Recommend we try and communicate, sir. "DATA": In the past, communication with this probe proved impossible without knowledge of the humpback whales language. I suggest allowing it to run its course, and follow it to determine its intents. WORF: Klingon Honor demands that we kill...I mean kill...I want to see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth, I mean kill...kill...kill...I want to burn village women's houses, and eat dead babies, I mean kill...kill...[He starts jumping up and down]...Kill..Kill...Kill... [And Wesley starts jumping up and down and shouting with him.] WORF & "WESLEY": Kill...Kill...Kill... "PICARD": That's enough. Thank you for your suggestion. Mr. Crusher, please return to your station. "WESLEY": I'm sorry, sir, it's just that I got so excited and... "CREW": Shut up, Wesley! -- All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. Copyright 1992 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International Distributed April 1992 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI Speical Thanks for video research go to: God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo "If we can't find it, you don't want it!" DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH (Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.) All groups mentioned in this .signature are pseudo-real groups that represent Derek Bacon, and are owned by him. Ecce Homo Ergo Elk. The copyright is his. Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to lightnin@sidehack.gweep.net ----- Next Chapter or Back to the Index