For example, we created a goaltender who stood the maximum allowable height (ca. 7 feet) and weighed the minimum allowable weight (ca. 100 lbs.), maxed out his reaction speed, glove ability, and puck awareness, but gave him very low strength and weak stick skills. This is how René-Philippe Target, the Leafs' goalie in Hogtown Rhapsody (later traded to the New Avalon Razors), came to be. We also gave him a phenomenally high aggression, so that he would occasionally get into fights even though goaltenders very rarely do - and he was so aggressive that he would usually win them even though he was a stick figure. Getting into a fight with René Target was like being beaten up by a seven-foot praying mantis, only he'd rip your head off without even giving you the courtesy of a reacharound.*

This was pretty good comedy, and we amused ourselves for some time by loading up games featuring the Leafs' comedy roster and then just letting the computer play against itself.

We never assumed for a moment that we were the only people who ever thought of doing something like that, and we were right not to assume it. In his travels around the sporting Internet, Truss recently discovered the works of a man called Jon Bois at SB Nation. Bois's whole shtick over there seems to be doing similar things to various sporting video games, and in fairness, he's better at it than we were. :)

Having first pointed me to his work on a project entitled NBA Y2K, Truss then directed me to a larger and more elaborate project of Bois's called Breaking Madden, in which he does terrible things to the latest installments of EA's John Madden-branded football series.

Now, here's a thing you need to understand before I say what I'm going to say next: I don't get football. (And before anyone chimes in with some allegedly witty quip about metric football, aka soccer, it's a moot point because I don't get that game either.) I never followed it as a kid, and though I was required to attend every home game in high school as a member of the band, I rarely had any idea what was going on out on the field. I know virtually nothing about how the game works.

And when I say I know virtually nothing about it, I literally mean that the list of things I do understand about the game is short enough to enumerate for you. Here: I know that if the man carrying the ball makes it all the way to the end it's a touchdown, and then they get to try and kick the ball through the giant tuning fork for an extra point; and I have the vague impression that the man making the tactical decisions is called the "quarterback", although I haven't the faintest idea why. (Where are the other three-fourths of the back?) And that's... well, that's it, basically. Oh, and there are referees, but what they're actually for I couldn't tell you. Not to prevent the players from committing acts of violence that would get anyone else jailed without trial, obviously.

(I once saw an amusing video in which a referee reported that he had declared a penalty because, and I quote, "number 99 of the defense, after he tackled the quarterback, he's givin' him the business down there," but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that that is not an actual, technical description of a foul one can commit in American football. Which is frankly a shame, but there we are.)

Anyway, there you go. Beyond the touchdown-extra point thing, I don't understand how American football works in terms of timing or scoring; don't know why they stop the clock when play stops sometimes and not others; don't know what the names of the positions imply as to their functions in the game; don't have any idea what all that "n^th and x" business is about. I'm also not familiar with any but the most ultra-prominent names of personalities in the game, to the point where even most of those guys, I don't know if they're active players or retired or what.

If I did know any of that stuff, Breaking Madden would probably be funny enough to actually endanger my health, because even without that information I've found myself properly, genuinely laughing out loud at many, many points during my odyssey through its archives. Oh my stars and garters, this is some funny, funny stuff. A lot of that can be attributed to Bois himself, who has a very wry, self-deprecating style of humor that I appreciate a lot.

As an aside, SB Nation overall is a pretty fun site. I'm not a big sports guy beyond following Formula One and taking a sporadic interest in baseball and ice hockey, but in addition to the comedy, there's some quite good straight-up sports writing going on there. Yesterday's The Poison Oasis, their long-form extravaganza on the Mayweather-Pacquiano fight - speaking of sports I don't give a single fraction of a damn about, to the point where I sort of hesitate to even call it a sport without huge sarcasm quotes - is outstandingly good. Also, our very own Matt Wagner writes for their NHL Columbus Blue Jackets feature, The Cannon.

--G.
* Apologies to R. Lee Ermey.
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Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.