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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
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Sep-15-20, 09:28 PM (EDT)
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"Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Women"
 
   >>(BTW: Did I ever tell the story of how she earned that title here in
>>the forums? If not, I'll throw it up in General.)
>
>No, I don't think I've heard this one.

Okay, so this goes all the way back to my time spent living in the Puget Sound - primarily the Olympia-Lacey-Tumwater tricity area.

I hated living there because I am literally a born and bred Texas boy. My family history in the San Antonio area goes all the way back to the very foundations of the city (I'm a direct descendant of the first captain of the Presidio that become the very core of the city), and beyond by way of the Native Americans that live in the area.

I missed the heat, the sun, and the sudden torrential downpours some would call frog stranglers. (No joke, some of our streets have design characteristics shared with slueceways, we have two 10 meter diameter tunnels that run under the metro area to keep it from flooding out, as well as a dam which is only there to hold back the creek when it suddenly turns into a river.)

In Lacey, forget about even seeing the sun outside of summer time. You will go weeks at a time not even seeing BLUE SKY. And it will literally drizzle for a whole week straight just because it can. Ask anyone who has lived in the Puget Sound area and they will confirm - these are not exaggerations in any way, shape, or form.

Thus, I don't really have many fond memories of our visits to Pacific Beach. This place is pretty much the epicenter at which the North Pacific Current splits into the Alaskan Current and the Californian Current. This water was FRIGID, and the shore was strewn with nothing but rocks and pebbles. It was as much of a polar opposite of the beaches of South Padre Island as you could get without glaciers being involved.

Except... the one and only time my Maternal Grandmother visited. She was an adventurous soul, very much like my mother, and was willing to brave the colder climate. As a part of her visit, we went to places like the Olympic Rain Forrest in the eastern foothills of the Olympic Mountains.

As well as Pacific Beach.

Now, the thing is that Pacific Beach borders right on the very southern tip of the Quinalt Reservation. And Reservation life among the Quinalt at this time was pretty stereotypical for the youth - dull and boring with utterly nothing to do.

So it was that during this particular visit to the State Park, a trio of boys from the Reservation had taken to coming to the beach in the middle of the night and raiding the ice chests of campers in search of booze.

We were regular visitors by this time, and my mom had come to be on a first-name basis with the park rangers there. So of course, they warned my mom about this.

But I bet they never, ever expected what came next.

See, the thing about my mom? She's a very sweet and caring person. The pagan I had for a girlfriend remarked that she was like one of these sweet little old white witches that putter around in their garden, making herbal medicines for the local villagers. And really, she isn't far off the mark. Mom loves holistic medicine - the kind that actually works - and has been eager for the legalization of marijuana so she can try making cannabis-based poultices.

HOWEVER...

What few people ever suspect is the wild, fiery, and utterly vindictive mean streak she possesses. But once you really look at our family history, it's no small wonder - we are absolutely chock full of fiery personalities.

So. Along comes these kids from the reservation, never EVER suspecting that there was a hot-blooded Mestiza on the premises. And the very instant mom saw them?

She wastes no time at all and goes straight for her trusty old hatchet.

These kids fucking FREAK OUT, because suddenly here comes this stout woman, who looks very much Native American herself, and carrying in-hand what, in the middle of the night, could only look like a goddamn tomahawk.

Two of them take off running like Beelzebub's very own hounds are nipping at their heels. The third one tries to play it all cool and makes for the phone booth at the ranger's office (it's not a very large camping area, with all the campgrounds being in direct line-of-sight of the office) and pretends like he's a passerby making a phone call.

Mom isn't fooled in the slightest. She goes right up to the phone booth and warns the kid that if she ever sees him around again, she's gonna have a scalp to put on her trophy wall.

Pretty sure the kid had a brown pants moment right then and there.

And so, that was that. Or at least it would have been. There was just one thing Mom didn't happen to notice, and it was that one of the park rangers was on an overnight shift to keep an eye on things. And boy, did they ever get an eyeful!

Next morning that park ranger is gleefully telling the other campers about what mom did the previous night, and afterwards her title was secured: she was Hatchet Lady.

Mom took it all in good humor, though, and even swore that she would find someone to teach her how to make and throw a tomahawk properly.

It really comes as no surprise in retrospect. Her father was a tiny little Cajun man who ran a popular bar in the city, was well known for his own temper, as well as the ability back it up by completely laying-out men more than twice his size because he was a Boatswain's Mate in the US Navy in the Pacific during WWII.

-----------------------------

So, with that in mind, let's continue with the other parts...

>>Hah. If it were me... it'd probably happen by accident, and probably
>>because I piqued their interest by utterly ghosting whatever sixth
>>sense they might use.*
>
>"Waaaait a minute, I thought you said you were models."
>
>"We are models! Digital cameras are a miracle of science."

"Ah, right. Now I feel sheepish."

>>And then me utterly failing to bail
>>out because I got a thing for dangerous women.
>
>Next thing you know, you're all three out there robbing blood banks to
>support their habit...
>
>Actually, this could make a pretty amusing movie premise. They don't
>make screwball caper comedies any more...

"Oh good grief, that was ONE TIME. They swore off the smack* afterwards."

"What about you?"

"I might be dumb sometimes, but I'm not dumb enough to say 'No' to a couple of ladies who might decide to suck me dry in a fit of pique. Besides, someone had to be the sane one to make sure no one got killed."

* (The Smack, in this case, being whatever designer narcotic used by vampires who like to live a little more on the wild side than other vampires. These two would probably claim that it was the inherent "Crazy" in his blood combined with the drugs that made them go around the bend.)

>>* (No joke, when I lived with a bunch of pagans, they swore up and
>>down that I had the magical equivalent of ECM - even looking at me
>>straight on made their perception go fuzzy.
>
>Pfff. When I was at WPI, a couple of the local crystal gazers sat me
>down one afternoon and solemnly told me that they were Very Concerned
>because I had no aura, which meant I had been born without a soul(???)
>and, unless drastic measures were taken, could be used as a conduit to
>the physical world by Dark Entities.

Hah. In my case, it wasn't so much they couldn't tell I had an aura - they knew it was there because while I did indeed have a "Silent Running" mode, I also had an "Active Jamming" mode that kicked in whenever I knew I was On The Spot. And my girlfriend at the time claimed to have seen it in the few times I was relaxed enough that the "ECM" went down, so there was no real concern on that front.

>>"Well, a few generations back on my Dad's side, a Hoffmanite and a
>>Kryptonian fell hopelessly in love with each other... don't even get
>>me started on my mom's side - the family reunions there make the
>>shenanigans in Banned From Argo look tame."
>
>"You know the "Metropolis is destroyed" scene in Man of Steel?
>That's actually based on my high school graduation."

It probably wouldn't help much if his Grammy-Gramma - the Matriarch of his mom's side of the family - would be an actual expatriate of Svartalfheim. Complete with all that implies.

>>The UF-verse just makes everything more awesome. If my Mom has a
>>well-earned title "Hatchet Lady" IRL, then what does that make her in
>>the UF-verse?
>
>https://dc.fandom.com/wiki/Nyeun_Chun_Ti_(Pre-Zero_Hour)

Hmmm... Actually, you know what? Mom would have been the batshit-crazy kinda girl who'd have somehow captured a Zaku using just a power loader (IRL: she freakin' loves Zakus, and she always loved that last fight scene at the end of Aliens), managed to keep the dang thing running all these years by her wits and absurd mechanical aptitude, and learned how to use a Heat Hawk like it was nobody's business.

Say, that'd explain a LOT of things about his family! One of these family-operated Mech Warrior privateer groups that have a reputation for both getting the job done no matter what and being magnets for trouble.

Let's call them The Mad Lads, because everything they do is more than a little on the insane side of things.

Pretty much everything they have are war prizes, including the jump ship - probably some ancient thing that belongs in a museum, except somewhere along the line someone pretty much welded on the warp drive off an old Starfleet automated fuel transport.

Literally.

As modifications go, this isn't the craziest thing they've ever done. That honor goes to the Mad Lad that added a spinal-mounted mass driver to the jump ship.... all while somehow keeping the old K-F Drive in place and operational.

(K-F drives in UF-verse, I'd imagine, would be regarded as quaint things that only the most desperate or most eccentric would bother with. Severely limited in range compared to hyperdrive, they'd be a poor-man's substitute for a Fold Drive. Though easy to cobble together, they are also nearly as inefficient as a Fold Drive for their limited range, and need a very powerful Navicomp in order to nail the safe jump points in planetary systems - and that's to say nothing of trying to nail a "Pirate Point".)

And his mom scoring a Zaku? She'd just been a mechanic and was being held back from the action because, at the age of fourteen, she was too young for that kind of thing. Except they were on a contract to protect a small outpost near the Xeon Principality's borders, and a unit somehow wound up flanking their lines...

...Only to be taken out by a cheesed-off teenage girl with a chip on her shoulder and a power loader meant to wrangle mecha.

After that, it was a lost cause trying to keep her out of the action. Even the idea of trying to deny her the rightful war prize of her Zaku left a bad taste in their mouths.

Just to make the picture complete, have them be citizens of the Confederate Freespacers.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo Gryphonadmin Sep-16-20 1
     RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo drakensis Sep-16-20 2
         RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo BlackAeronaut Sep-16-20 6
     RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo BlackAeronaut Sep-16-20 4
         RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou Mephronmoderator Sep-16-20 8
             RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou BlackAeronaut Sep-16-20 9
                 RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou MuninsFire Sep-16-20 13
                     RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou Star Ranger4 Sep-16-20 14
                         RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou MuninsFire Sep-16-20 16
                     RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou BlackAeronaut Sep-16-20 15
                         RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou MuninsFire Sep-16-20 17
                         RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou Astynax Sep-16-20 18
                             RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou BlackAeronaut Sep-16-20 19
                                 RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou Gryphonadmin Sep-16-20 20
                         RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou Bushido Sep-17-20 21
  RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo Star Ranger4 Sep-16-20 3
     RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo BlackAeronaut Sep-16-20 5
         RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo Star Ranger4 Sep-16-20 7
             RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo BlackAeronaut Sep-16-20 10
                 RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo Star Ranger4 Sep-16-20 11
                 RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo Zemyla Sep-20-20 22
                     RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo BlackAeronaut Sep-21-20 23
     RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo Peter Eng Sep-16-20 12

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Gryphonadmin
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20436 posts
Sep-16-20, 00:25 AM (EDT)
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1. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #0
 
   >See, the thing about my mom? She's a very sweet and caring person.
>The pagan I had for a girlfriend remarked that she was like one of
>these sweet little old white witches that putter around in their
>garden, making herbal medicines for the local villagers.
>
>HOWEVER...
>
>What few people ever suspect is the wild, fiery, and utterly
>vindictive mean streak she possesses.

Ah yes. Around White Rose Fleet headquarters, this is known as the Inazuma type. Sweet, pleasant, loveable, really just all-around delightful, and she will fucking cut you if she has to. :) (Or drydock you with a mini-torpedo, which I have to admit I occasionally consider as a way of showing a certain infernal duke to the Final Door. :)

>These kids fucking FREAK OUT, because suddenly here comes this stout
>woman, who looks very much Native American herself, and carrying
>in-hand what, in the middle of the night, could only look like a
>goddamn tomahawk.

I submit that even if they didn't make the tomahawk association, "angry woman with an axe" is probably intimidating enough.

>These two would probably claim that it was the inherent
>"Crazy" in his blood combined with the drugs that made them go around
>the bend.)

There's no actual evidence that a person's mental state has any bearing on the qualities of his or her blood? But you did just give me the mental image of a younger, wilder Azula—say, right out of college—sussing out a clubhopping vampire(ss) well before the Big Moment and deciding ahh, what the hell, you only live twice, chicks dig scars and glory lasts forever, let's see how this goes... only to end up in the unaccustomed position of being the adult supervision when all hell breaks loose. :)

Clymene returned to her senses to find herself lying crumpled at the base of a brick wall under what looked like it had been a hotel's front awning. She tried to get up, but the spinning in her head made her reconsider doing so all at once, and for the moment she settled for sliding back down the wall and sitting there propped up against it.

Before her stretched the remains of what had been two city blocks of downtown New Constanza. It looked like it had been bombed from the air in her absence: buildings leaning crazily or toppled into the street, the pavement split up the middle as if by an earthquake. Spot fires still burned here and there despite the driving rain. Looking down at herself, she saw that her clubbing clothes were in rags, whole swatches of what had been an expensive velvet jacket and lace shirt torn away, her trousers shredded as if by some overenthusiastic avant-garde wardrobe artist. She shivered to think what her own flesh must have looked like if she'd been wearing the things when that happened, which, judging from the drying blood, she had.

"Wha... what happened?" she asked, aghast.

A low chuckle made her look to her left, too quickly, and the world swam for a moment before stabilizing on a view of the black-haired girl she'd singled out in the club that evening. What was her name? Susan? Sarah. That was it. She, too, was looking a bit the worse for wear, her clothes torn and burned. A bloodstained white bandage tied in a jaunty bow around her neck suggested what had become of the front of Clymene's shirt.

Despite this, and the fact that she'd been the victim of a vampire attack, Sarah looked entirely too cheerful about the whole situation. In fact, she seemed positively exhilarated, her amber eyes glittering with glee.

"Well," she said, sounding deeply amused, "that's complicated, but mostly, you did."

Clymene regarded the scene with wide eyes. "I did all this?"

"The lion's share. Well, I suppose if you want to get technical, the gas main did a fair bit of the heavy lifting."

"Sweet Elvis," Clymene murmured. "These are not the hoofprints of your normal God-fearing vampire."

"Indeed not," Sarah agreed, sitting down next to her in a companionable sort of way.

"This... this never happened to me before," Clymene heard herself saying in an amazed voice, as if explaining some strange behavior to a friend or lover. "Normally it's the human who freaks out. Who the hell are you?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Sarah replied.

They sat in a strangely friendly silence for a bit, watching the fires burn. Off in the distance, above the susurrus of the rain, came the faint sound of sirens, heralding the belated approach of the emergency services.

Sarah sighed and got to her feet again, dusting off what remained of her skirt. "Well, I must be going before the armed forces arrive. And you should pull yourself together and get inside, sunrise can't be that far off at this point. Thank you for the most entertaining evening I've had in... oh, years." She leaned down and patted Clymene's shoulder, then moved closer and murmured in her ear, "Perhaps this will teach you to consider your partners. By the way, the bill is in your name."

"Bitch," Clymene replied, but she was unable to muster any real resentment.

"On occasion," Sarah agreed cheerfully. Straightening, she rummaged in an inside pocket of her mostly-intact leather jacket, got out a card and a pen, and jotted a note on the one with the other.

"This was fun!" she said, then bent to tuck the card into Clymene's bra strap and kiss her on the cheek. "Call me sometime."

Clymene sat slumped against the wall, watching her saunter away, then raised her voice and called after her, "Hey!" Sarah paused, looking back, an eyebrow raised. "... I'll do that," said Clymene, feeling as awkward as a teenager.

Sarah smiled, turned, and walked off into the gathering morning, raising one hand above her shoulder in a chipper backhand wave as she went. Off to the east, the sky was just starting to go pink as she disappeared into the smoke at the end of the block and was gone.

"... Shit," Clymene grumbled, then dragged herself upright and stumbled off toward her apartment.

... something like that. :)

>(K-F drives in UF-verse, I'd imagine, would be regarded as quaint
>things that only the most desperate or most eccentric would bother
>with.

I'm not sure the principle behind the K-F drive works in the UF universe, but even if it does, I suspect it would be one of those technological dead ends that nobody ever did anything with. Like, every civilization that ever invented it looked at the math and went, "No, fuck that, we're not building that" and waited for someone to come up with the hyperspace motivator. :)

>After that, it was a lost cause trying to keep her out of the action.
>Even the idea of trying to deny her the rightful war prize of her Zaku
>left a bad taste in their mouths.
>
>Just to make the picture complete, have them be citizens of the
>Confederate Freespacers.

Well, it would have to be the Freespacers at that point, wouldn't it. :)

--G.
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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drakensis
Member since Dec-20-06
361 posts
Sep-16-20, 01:19 AM (EDT)
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2. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #1
 
   >>(K-F drives in UF-verse, I'd imagine, would be regarded as quaint
>>things that only the most desperate or most eccentric would bother
>>with.
>
>I'm not sure the principle behind the K-F drive works in the UF
>universe, but even if it does, I suspect it would be one of those
>technological dead ends that nobody ever did anything with. Like,
>every civilization that ever invented it looked at the math and went,
>"No, fuck that, we're not building that" and waited for someone to
>come up with the hyperspace motivator. :)

There is a fanfic that crosses BT with the Kerbal Space Programme

And the Kerbals think BT fusion engines are freakish, never mind the K-F Drive. BT advanced physics are apparently rather out there when it comes to fusion reactors and the extension that led to their hyperspace use.

D.


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-16-20, 08:25 AM (EDT)
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6. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #2
 
   >>>(K-F drives in UF-verse, I'd imagine, would be regarded as quaint
>>>things that only the most desperate or most eccentric would bother
>>>with.
>>
>>I'm not sure the principle behind the K-F drive works in the UF
>>universe, but even if it does, I suspect it would be one of those
>>technological dead ends that nobody ever did anything with. Like,
>>every civilization that ever invented it looked at the math and went,
>>"No, fuck that, we're not building that" and waited for someone to
>>come up with the hyperspace motivator. :)
>
>There is a fanfic that crosses BT with the Kerbal Space Programme
>
>And the Kerbals think BT fusion engines are freakish, never mind the
>K-F Drive. BT advanced physics are apparently rather out there when it
>comes to fusion reactors and the extension that led to their
>hyperspace use.

Yeah, BT just went so deep on Rule of Cool that any attempt to extract any kind of rubber science or applied phlebitonium is an exercise in futility. Which is why I'm not getting into any specifics about how or why it would work in UF-verse, just that it does, and reasons why we don't see it around more often.


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-16-20, 08:14 AM (EDT)
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4. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #1
 
   >>See, the thing about my mom? She's a very sweet and caring person.
>>The pagan I had for a girlfriend remarked that she was like one of
>>these sweet little old white witches that putter around in their
>>garden, making herbal medicines for the local villagers.
>>
>>HOWEVER...
>>
>>What few people ever suspect is the wild, fiery, and utterly
>>vindictive mean streak she possesses.
>
>Ah yes. Around White Rose Fleet headquarters, this is known as the
>Inazuma type. Sweet, pleasant, loveable, really just all-around
>delightful, and she will fucking cut you if she has to. :) (Or
>drydock you with a mini-torpedo, which I have to admit I occasionally
>consider as a way of showing a certain infernal duke to the Final
>Door. :)

With Mom, it's not so much "If she has to". It's more like, "Congratulations on finding this landmine, which will self-destruct in 3... 2... 1..."

Additionally, she has a fondness for badasses. She's very much like Wakaba in this sense. To whit, she used to participate in a community on the old AOL dial-up service called "Trekkers Around and Over 40", where her character's husband was a Romulan who had defected to the Federation.

Since I already went for "Hoffmanite-Kryptonian" for the Dad's side, and my character doesn't have green blood, we'll have to rule out the Romulan bit for now. ;)

>>These kids fucking FREAK OUT, because suddenly here comes this stout
>>woman, who looks very much Native American herself, and carrying
>>in-hand what, in the middle of the night, could only look like a
>>goddamn tomahawk.
>
>I submit that even if they didn't make the tomahawk association,
>"angry woman with an axe" is probably intimidating enough.

Amen to that! :D

>>These two would probably claim that it was the inherent
>>"Crazy" in his blood combined with the drugs that made them go around
>>the bend.)
>
>There's no actual evidence that a person's mental state has any
>bearing on the qualities of his or her blood? But you did just give
>me the mental image of a younger, wilder Azula—say, right out of
>college—sussing out a clubhopping vampire(ss) well before the Big
>Moment and deciding ahh, what the hell, you only live twice, chicks
>dig scars and glory lasts forever, let's see how this goes... only to
>end up in the unaccustomed position of being the adult supervision
>when all hell breaks loose. :)

<snip>

>... something like that. :)

Hah-hah! Nothing livens things up quite like a Fire Princess.

And this definitely sounds like one of the more "Memorable" events that these folks would be known for. A more "normal" occasion looks something like the New Years Eve parties from Berke Breathed's Bloom County.

Actual quote from said comics on said New Years Eve party:
"MR. KRUTINSKY! I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT OLD MRS. GREENBLATT'S '57 RAMBLER ENGINE UP IN THE RAFTERS... BUT DROP IT AND BRING MRS. GREENBLATT BACK DOWN. AND HER RADIALS, TOO!"

But really, they're all pretty mellow when they're not partying it up. Probably because a Funkotronian married into the family at some point. Weirdly enough, Cannabis doesn't really go around much. Instead, everyone drinks Black Blood of the Universe. (A form of coffee made by a... device based on the Viennese Triple Cold Extraction apparatus and using a Turkish grind. Yes, this is a shout-out to Funranium Labs.)

You would think that with this much caffeine going around, everyone would be bouncing off the walls... But no. Some do - mostly people who have married into the family, but after a few months they simply become functional caffeine addicts. (It is a rite of passage, in fact, for the newcomer to the family to be tricked into drinking BBotU, and their following antics be recorded for posterity.) It's suspected that there is a very strong dominant trait for ADHD in the family's gene pool because of this. (Among other bits of anecdotal evidence...)

That said, I would say that it isn't so much the mental state, but rather the genetics combined with the absurd levels of caffeine in their blood.

Suffice to say, the crash a vampire would experience after getting a meal out of a Mad Lad would be something to behold.


>>(K-F drives in UF-verse, I'd imagine, would be regarded as quaint
>>things that only the most desperate or most eccentric would bother
>>with.
>
>I'm not sure the principle behind the K-F drive works in the UF
>universe, but even if it does, I suspect it would be one of those
>technological dead ends that nobody ever did anything with. Like,
>every civilization that ever invented it looked at the math and went,
>"No, fuck that, we're not building that" and waited for someone to
>come up with the hyperspace motivator. :)

Hee-hee. I did say that it would probably be the province of eccentrics and desperate people. Say that a society developed in a system where some of the unique materials needed for a hyperdrive motivator simply didn't exist. And warp drives this early on was a difficult proposition, what with needing antimatter and dylithium and all... And so they cook up this beast instead.

Have a minor diaspora happen, followed up by a short but intense series of wars, and then suddenly the Centauri or some other race shows up with either Metaspace, Warp Drive, or even just plain old Hyperdrive, and all the old Jumpships are quickly ditched and forgotten about.

One might turn one up by sheer chance on one of the larger junk planets, but they are considered to be so useless that even preserving one as a museum ship is seen as a needless expense.

The origins of the Mad Lad's Jumpship are quite extraordinary, though. It had been the ship of a privateer captain (read: pirate) that had somehow gotten stuck in a time loop. The original Mad Lads of the day somehow got into the loop and were subsequently attacked... But of course, that was a mistake on the pirate's part. The attack was repelled, their ships all captured, and the time loop broken. All in all, the pirates had been stuck in time for some three centuries and change.

The pirates were released into the care of local authorities as temporal displacees. (This would probably have been UF Golden Age, and one of the more weird things that happened during this period.) With the Jumpship being taken as a war prize, it was originally proposed to scrap it. However, there was one person from the pirates that stayed on with the Mad Lads, and that was the jumpship's chief engineer. After some pleading and cajoling, he got them to come around on the idea, swearing that he could make it work better using some of the various technologies and rare materials that his people never had access to before.

The rest, as they say, is history. :)

This brings us to the other defining trademark of the Mad Lad tribe: their utterly breathtaking engineering genius. If the Sterling clan is renown for being naturals in the pilot seat, then the Mad Lads are the Sterlings of starship engineering.

You wouldn't know it at first to see their ships. Patched all over the place with obvious looks-don't-matter-we're-fighting-a-war-here repair jobs, one might think that these ships are about to fly apart at their many, many seams.

But they don't.

Nobody knows what eldritch mechanical sorcery they do in the bowels of their Jumpship, but they somehow got an old warp drive out of 23rd Century Starfleet fuel tanker to reliably do Warp 7 at a cruise, Warp 8 at the maximum "safe" settings, and Warp 9 in an emergency. However, they have been clocked doing Warp 12 once before. The Mad Lads deny it, pointing out that there's no way it's physically possible, subspace distortions this, time dilation that, etcetera. But having seen other examples of "Holy Shit They Actually DID IT!" engineering from the Mad Lads, some engineers wonder about that. Rumor has it that the only one outside the Mad Lad tribe who might know for certain is Skuld Ravenhair, and only because their chief engineer has an Altar dedicated to her in the engine room. But she's staying quiet on the matter.

And this is to say nothing of what they've done with the K-F Drive, directly powering it off the reactor that fuels the warp drive and somehow making it the fastest charging K-F drive in recorded galactic history. (And also the only known functioning one, but that's beside the point.) Most people don't even want to think of it, no matter how interesting it may be, for fear of it being some kind of memetic hazard such as Science-Related Memetic Disorder.

That said, their K-F drive is still one thirsty bastard of a kludge job, so they only use it when they intend to get the drop(ship) on someone. ;)

>>After that, it was a lost cause trying to keep her out of the action.
>>Even the idea of trying to deny her the rightful war prize of her Zaku
>>left a bad taste in their mouths.
>>
>>Just to make the picture complete, have them be citizens of the
>>Confederate Freespacers.
>
>Well, it would have to be the Freespacers at that point, wouldn't it.
>:)

Oh, for certain. They're the only ones even remotely capable of handling that much crazy at once. I think it would go without saying that they're a Favorite of Aya Nakajima's whenever she wants to hit someone with a certain... je ne sais quoi that not even she is capable of. (Because, for all her efforts, she can't distill that much crazy in such a potent concentration. Even among the Freespacers.)

It's like I say to some people - "There is nothing quite like hitting an enemy with ten thousand raving, screaming lunatics." Even if they don't crack right away, they'll do untold havoc to the enemy. And this is pretty much the Mad Lad's shtick. Everyone's got their own flavor of mayhem they prefer. You'll see ships and mechas from all kinds of eras, races, makes and models, and all of them sporting features that are some degree of "ill-advised" on paper, but they somehow make it WORK.

Tactics... What tactics? Everyone does their own damn thing, just like the Texian volunteer army of old that so badly humiliated Santa Ana despite being the disorganized mess they were. And with so many people working at so many different angles, more than a few are going to have some degree of success or another, because there's always gonna be something the enemy never expected.

One guy's entire thing is, in a ground assault operation, to buzz enemy airspace in his heavy aerospace interceptor doing something to the tune of Mach 20. He calls it "The Rodan Trick" for obvious reasons.

Another uses a heavily modified Mad Cat where the entire loadout is long-range missiles. It launches multiple drones to act as its eyes. Once the drones are in place, he'll Scott Bernard his entire loadout, all at once. Madness? Oh no. Every single one of those missiles is specially addressed, and he's on a mission to make sure every missile gets there like Hiro Protagonist from Snow Crash. And deliver he does - the missiles are very hard to shake because they are guided not by an internal system, but by the earlier mentioned drones which can use any number of passive and active systems.

And like a maraschino cherry on top of an improbable looking sundae, their preferred Goldfish Warning song is Wipeout by the Surfaris. Hearing that wild, high cackle and the equally high pitched voice crying out "Wipeout!" lives on as a trigger for PTSD in the minds of many Very Bad Men That Got What Was Coming To Them. At least, the ones that manage to survive the encounter.

Oh, and I finally figured out what the Jumpship should be called.

The Cosmic Joke.

It's like Jim Henson's ethos - that you can't take yourself too seriously. And just like in the Muppet Show, on board The Cosmic Joke there's always someone nearby who is ready and willing to blow you up if you start taking yourself too seriously.

No, really.

Something commonly carried by Mad Lads are small pyrotechnic devices called "Reminders". They are harmless, producing only a loud bang and some incredibly sooty and sulfurous smelling smoke, leaving the victim covered in soot and smelling vaguely of rotten eggs. They are used to "Remind" someone that they aren't quite that special and need to loosen up.

Although, at times, use of Reminders can sometimes trigger some very rambunctious games of tag.


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Mephronmoderator
Charter Member
1818 posts
Sep-16-20, 10:29 AM (EDT)
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8. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #4
 
   LAST EDITED ON Sep-16-20 AT 10:35 AM (EDT)
 
>Weirdly enough, Cannabis doesn't really go around much.
>Instead, everyone drinks Black Blood of the Universe. (A form of
>coffee made by a... device based on the Viennese Triple
>Cold Extraction apparatus and using a Turkish grind. Yes, this is a
>shout-out to Funranium Labs.)
>
>You would think that with this much caffeine going around, everyone
>would be bouncing off the walls... But no. Some do - mostly people
>who have married into the family, but after a few months they simply
>become functional caffeine addicts. (It is a rite of passage, in
>fact, for the newcomer to the family to be tricked into drinking
>BBotU, and their following antics be recorded for posterity.) It's
>suspected that there is a very strong dominant trait for ADHD in the
>family's gene pool because of this. (Among other bits of anecdotal
>evidence...)

As someone who has what a doctor once called “long term biochemical damage as the result of caffeine abuse”, I see this happening.

Oh, the effect? Caffeine has no perceptible effect on my neurometabolism anymore. I can drink a 20 oz of MTN DEW Zero at 9 pm and settle in for bed at 10:30 with no effect. I do this to improve the effacy of my pain meds (hello tibiofemoral osteoarthritis.)

(Apparently six calendar months of averaging six liters of Jolt Cola a day, usually to wash down Tastykake cupcakes or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, has lasting effects on your system. But when you’re 19, the words of Rush still speak well.)

(Those words, are “We are young, wandering the face of the Earth, wondering what our dreams might be worth, knowing that we’re only immortal for a limited time.” Released a couple of years after that part of my life. That’s right. I’m old.)

--
Geoff Depew - Darth Mephron
Haberdasher to Androids, Dark Lord of Sith Tech Support.
"And Remember! Google is your Friend!!"


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-16-20, 10:58 AM (EDT)
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9. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #8
 
   Yeah, I'm kinda there myself. I usually use caffeine in a more... utilitarian fashion. Like taking a Red Bull with my meds.

(Pro Tip: Taking two aspirin with two Tylenol and a suitably caffeinated beverage is the same thing as taking two Excedrin - maybe even a bit more, I think. Really helped me get through the last time I was sick. Still not sure if it was COVID or not.)

But yeah. These days, it's more the energy supplements in an energy drink that help me than the caffeine itself. The only difference is that a decaf version kicks in a bit slower.


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MuninsFire
Member since Mar-27-07
365 posts
Sep-16-20, 04:21 PM (EDT)
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13. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #9
 
   Hi, fellow Coffee Cryptid here.

A couple years back, I was working physical security at an infosec convention, and had been kvetching on twitter about how I'd screwed up my schedule such that I'd be utterly exhausted later.

A friend of mine likes making cold brew. He makes -strong- cold brew. We've talked before about our mutual love of the bean. And he came up to me that morning holding a repurposed plastic bottle filled with...a substance that he said was "munin strength" cold brew.

It was...strong. Strong enough that I ended up using it for a Potion of Wake The Hell Up for the next three days.

One of the reasons this year is tough is because he'd promised me another bottle of joy and hasn't gotten to deliver yet.

But yes. Sign me the hell up for some of that Black Blood of the Universe.

--
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome
decree,
Where Alph, the sacred river,
ran
Through caverns measureless to
man
Down to a sunless sea


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Star Ranger4
Charter Member
2386 posts
Sep-16-20, 06:00 PM (EDT)
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14. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #13
 
   so, even thought it wasn't Klatchian coffee, you almost attained the state of Knurd???


Of COURSE you wernt expecting it!
No One expects the FANNISH INQUISITION!
RCW# 86


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MuninsFire
Member since Mar-27-07
365 posts
Sep-16-20, 06:28 PM (EDT)
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16. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #14
 
   Like Vimes, I'm always about two shots knurd of other people's sobriety...

--
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome
decree,
Where Alph, the sacred river,
ran
Through caverns measureless to
man
Down to a sunless sea


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-16-20, 06:17 PM (EDT)
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15. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #13
 
   >Hi, fellow Coffee Cryptid here.
>
>A couple years back, I was working physical security at an infosec
>convention, and had been kvetching on twitter about how I'd screwed up
>my schedule such that I'd be utterly exhausted later.
>
>A friend of mine likes making cold brew. He makes -strong- cold brew.
>We've talked before about our mutual love of the bean. And he came up
>to me that morning holding a repurposed plastic bottle filled with...a
>substance that he said was "munin strength" cold brew.
>
>It was...strong. Strong enough that I ended up using it for a Potion
>of Wake The Hell Up for the next three days.
>
>One of the reasons this year is tough is because he'd promised me
>another bottle of joy and hasn't gotten to deliver yet.
>
>But yes. Sign me the hell up for some of that Black Blood of the
>Universe.

Here's the real deal: Black Blood of the Earth by Funranium Labs.
https://shop.funraniumlabs.com/


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MuninsFire
Member since Mar-27-07
365 posts
Sep-16-20, 06:29 PM (EDT)
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17. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #15
 
   Oh aye, I've had that before. It's not bad, but it's not my preferred type...

--
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome
decree,
Where Alph, the sacred river,
ran
Through caverns measureless to
man
Down to a sunless sea


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Astynax
Charter Member
785 posts
Sep-16-20, 06:49 PM (EDT)
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18. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #15
 
   ...that's a $40 bottle of coffee. Does it let you see sounds and hear colors?


-={(Astynax)}=-
"Human Overclocking."


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-16-20, 07:57 PM (EDT)
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19. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #18
 
   >...that's a $40 bottle of coffee. Does it let you see sounds and hear
>colors?

YES.

At least it does for some people. If you already have a high tolerance for caffeine, though, probably not quite so much.

Besides, there's also the fact that it is quite tasty and lacks the bitterness of regular coffee.


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Gryphonadmin
Charter Member
20436 posts
Sep-16-20, 11:12 PM (EDT)
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20. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #19
 
   You amateurs with your caffeine and your taurine. "Ooh, look at me, I use alkaloids! I'm such a badass!"

I just took 500 milligrams of prednisone. I have to do that twice a day for the next three days, followed by a taper that will last another 25.

I AM GOD HERE

;)

--G.
holy fuck I forgot how bad prednisone tablets taste since the last flare
-><-
Benjamin D. Hutchins, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief, & Forum Mod
Eyrie Productions, Unlimited http://www.eyrie-productions.com/
zgryphon at that email service Google has
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.


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Bushido
Member since Apr-8-10
363 posts
Sep-17-20, 11:05 PM (EDT)
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21. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerou"
In response to message #15
 
   I'll see you that, and raise you whatever unearthly brew that comes out of this place https://imgur.com/gallery/z2V9I

--------
Wedge Defense Force General
Order 12: "Try to avoid
freaking the mundanes."


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Star Ranger4
Charter Member
2386 posts
Sep-16-20, 02:21 AM (EDT)
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3. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #0
 
   > Ask anyone who has lived in the Puget Sound area and they will confirm -
> these are not exaggerations in any way, shape, or form.

As a bloke who met my ship at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard, I can confirm the weather around there can be broken down into two types. Warm Rain and Cold Rain. Guess which type this Southern California Boy ran into when he reported aboard? *snicker*

> She wastes no time at all and goes straight for her trusty old hatchet.

In a lot of ways I say this makes her a wise woman, in more than one sense of the term?

> Just to make the picture complete, have them be citizens of the Confederate
> Freespacers.

*COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHATTER BZ!!!!!!*


Of COURSE you wernt expecting it!
No One expects the FANNISH INQUISITION!
RCW# 86


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-16-20, 08:21 AM (EDT)
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5. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #3
 
   >> Ask anyone who has lived in the Puget Sound area and they will confirm -
>> these are not exaggerations in any way, shape, or form.
>
>As a bloke who met my ship at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard, I can
>confirm the weather around there can be broken down into two types.
>Warm Rain and Cold Rain. Guess which type this Southern California
>Boy ran into when he reported aboard? *snicker*

... The Puget Sound has warm rain? I suspect you may have been misinformed on that bit, or have a different idea of what constitutes "Warm Rain".

Here in Texas? Warm rain is literally like stepping into a comfortably hot shower. It's rare, but incredibly pleasant.

>> She wastes no time at all and goes straight for her trusty old hatchet.
>
>In a lot of ways I say this makes her a wise woman, in more than one
>sense of the term?

Heh-heh-heh. The properly raised Texian Ladies and Tejanas are rare breeds that are highly sought after.

>> Just to make the picture complete, have them be citizens of the Confederate
>> Freespacers.
>
>*COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHATTER BZ!!!!!!*

*Takes the Entertainer's Dust Off and bows*

Thank you, thank you...


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Star Ranger4
Charter Member
2386 posts
Sep-16-20, 10:19 AM (EDT)
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7. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #5
 
   >... The Puget Sound has warm rain? I suspect you may have been
>misinformed on that bit, or have a different idea of what constitutes
>"Warm Rain".
>
Given the claimants were an exotic dancer, and the proprietor(s) of a tourist T-shirt / sweat shirt store, I have to concede my sample size is... suspect. Add to this the fact that when the so called 'warm rain' was supposed to arrive, my ship was done with refit and returned to her home port of Alameda, CA.

So, those of you who recall Samuel Clements saying the coldest winter he ever spent was a SUMMER in San Francisco?

He wasn't kidding.


Of COURSE you wernt expecting it!
No One expects the FANNISH INQUISITION!
RCW# 86


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-16-20, 11:13 AM (EDT)
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10. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #7
 
   >>... The Puget Sound has warm rain? I suspect you may have been
>>misinformed on that bit, or have a different idea of what constitutes
>>"Warm Rain".
>>
>Given the claimants were an exotic dancer, and the proprietor(s) of a
>tourist T-shirt / sweat shirt store, I have to concede my sample size
>is... suspect. Add to this the fact that when the so called 'warm
>rain' was supposed to arrive, my ship was done with refit and returned
>to her home port of Alameda, CA.

Yeah, these people sound like natives who think rain at 50 degrees Fahrenheit is "warm". Bet they take cold showers, too, on account that it saves energy. Bah! If they'd just pipe up some gas for water heaters then it wouldn't be such a strain on their energy bills.

Say what you will about the price of natural gas, it's still a heckuva lot more effective at heating things than other methods relying on electricity alone. The only exception I make to that rule is induction ranges because holy hana do they ever work fast, but damn they're expensive. Any place that does not have natural gas available for the cooktop is a non-starter for me.

>So, those of you who recall Samuel Clements saying the coldest winter
>he ever spent was a SUMMER in San Francisco?
>
>He wasn't kidding.

Ah yes. My folks have assured me - after they're time spent in Mountain View while Dad was working at Google-X - that the weather in San Fran is pretty batshit. At least it only ever gets that bad here in South Texas during the winter season.

(They are not kidding when they say that you can experience all four seasons in a single day in South Texas during Winter. Granted, those kinds of days don't occur all that often, but they happen often enough that it's talked about.)


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Star Ranger4
Charter Member
2386 posts
Sep-16-20, 11:54 AM (EDT)
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11. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #10
 
   LAST EDITED ON Sep-16-20 AT 11:55 AM (EDT)
 
>Any place that does not have natural gas available
>for the cooktop is a non-starter for me.
>
Lucky you. I've been stuck in 'All Electric' places for... hmm... 20 years now? Not sure I CAN cook anything on a 'real' stove without burning it anymore.

>>So, those of you who recall Samuel Clements saying the coldest winter
>>he ever spent was a SUMMER in San Francisco?
>>
>>He wasn't kidding.
>
>that the weather in San Fran is pretty batshit.

Yup. On the 'lee' side of the range (think the Mission district, the 49'ers ballpark, or Alameda across the bay) it can be 80 f. Get up to the Golden Gate itself... well... your lucky if it hits 50f and less than 15mph windspeed.


Of COURSE you wernt expecting it!
No One expects the FANNISH INQUISITION!
RCW# 86


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Zemyla
Member since Mar-26-08
153 posts
Sep-20-20, 08:57 PM (EDT)
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22. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #10
 
   You're a South Texan too? People tend not to believe me when I talk about sunbathing during February. And I've literally only seen snow twice in my life.


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BlackAeronaut
Member since Apr-15-15
45 posts
Sep-21-20, 11:11 AM (EDT)
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23. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #22
 
   >You're a South Texan too? People tend not to believe me when I talk
>about sunbathing during February. And I've literally only seen snow
>twice in my life.

A San Antonio boy, born and bred. And I know what you mean about sunbathing in February. Not to say we don't get some nasty cold snaps. I'm just glad they figured out a way to salt the highways that is low-impact.

It's pretty cool, really. They use a special machine to put brine on the road and fast-dry it so it leaves a thin residue of salt - just enough to keep the bridges from icing over.


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Peter Eng
Charter Member
1673 posts
Sep-16-20, 01:24 PM (EDT)
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12. "RE: Hatchet Lady or No Wonder Why He Likes Dangerous Wo"
In response to message #3
 
   >> Ask anyone who has lived in the Puget Sound area and they will confirm -
>> these are not exaggerations in any way, shape, or form.
>
>As a bloke who met my ship at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard, I can
>confirm the weather around there can be broken down into two types.
>Warm Rain and Cold Rain. Guess which type this Southern California
>Boy ran into when he reported aboard? *snicker*
>

For some value of "warm rain," perhaps. I've lived in Seattle all my life, and while there are times when the rain is warmer than usual, I have it on good authority (my parents spent a few years in Alabama) that it's nothing like warm rain in the southern U.S. I have no information to make comparisons with Southern California's rain. (Do they even have rain in SoCal?)

Also, we do occasionally have days when the sky turns an unpleasant shade of blue and this rather bright thing appears, but thankfully they don't last long, as residents consider it unpleasantly hot. People with experience of Texas or Southern California weather generally describe it as "comfortable" or "kinda warm."

Peter Eng
--
I may be exaggerating in that last paragraph.


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